Does it ever ever ever get get better?

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Earthcircle

Well-known member
I am 49, and I keep thinking that surely I won't be avoidant for much longer. Surely, I won't be avoidant when I'm 55. And surely surely surely I won't be avoidant when I'm 70! But when I was 20, I could hardly believe that I would still be avoidant by the age of 30. Certainly not, given all the therapy I was vigorously pursuing. But now 30 was a long time ago, and I'm as avoidant as I ever was. I don't see any way out.
 
hidwell

hidwell

Well-known member
I think you have answered your own question. We humans are creatures of habit good and bad.
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
It gets better, it gets worse, it stays the same. At any moment in time each is true.
 
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Epistemic

Member
I've been alone the past 4 years, and arguably before that (I had one good friend). When I say alone, I do mean alone. Spending everyday by myself, and the only social interaction being the exchange of pleasantries. Luckily, I actually have a very high tolerance for being alone, and most of the time it doesn't bother me. However, I agree that spending decades alone is another issue entirely, and honestly, I don't know if I can survive that.
 
goblin

goblin

Well-known member
I don't think there's an easy answer to this. Individual circumstances play a role, whether it's a learned behavior or part of the brain, how much and what kind of support is available, where you live...

I do know that, for me, it's improved since I was a child. Gone? Nah. Your job sounds like a bummer and a problem in and of itself (unless you truly like the solitary lifestyle).
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
goblin said:
I don't think there's an easy answer to this. Individual circumstances play a role, whether it's a learned behavior or part of the brain, how much and what kind of support is available, where you live...

I do know that, for me, it's improved since I was a child. Gone? Nah. Your job sounds like a bummer and a problem in and of itself (unless you truly like the solitary lifestyle).
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Well, I learn a lot about the world. Lol. And have lots of meaningless flings punctuating long periods of isolation. Being gay just makes it worse. Can't take a spouse with me.
 
emptybench

emptybench

Well-known member
hmm, you could try (well, probably you've tried already) to get a job that doesn't require so much moving.

Regarding 'get better', I think I'm getting better. I decided that any time I see myself avoiding doing something out of shyness, I should do it not matter what. Of course, it doesn't always work (maybe only 20%), but it's still better than before. So yes, I think it can get better, for some people it's faster, but don't give up.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
emptybench said:
hmm, you could try (well, probably you've tried already) to get a job that doesn't require so much moving.

Regarding 'get better', I think I'm getting better. I decided that any time I see myself avoiding doing something out of shyness, I should do it not matter what. Of course, it doesn't always work (maybe only 20%), but it's still better than before. So yes, I think it can get better, for some people it's faster, but don't give up.
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My job does not strictly require that I move, but it's a lot easier if one is flexible about moving. Being gay actually makes me more flexible, ironically. But it also means that I'm unattached and adrift. I think a lot of the bullying I experienced as a teenager has contributed to my social avoidance, although it surely wasn't the only factor.
 
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bsammy

Well-known member
mid 30s here and this has been my experience..right now i can deal with people better than i have ever been able to, talking to them is ok, my social skills are pretty good..this has not changed my avoidant nature though as i am now more avoidant than i ever have been..strangely this is somewhat due to idea that i have somewhat 'accepted' my true nature..self acceptance is key like so many like to claim..i no longer really try to be a normal social person as it just seemed pointless..

id take a guess and say if you are still highly avoidant in your 30s, then its going to be with you for the rest of your life unless you undergo some major therapy and life changes..

i have found that once you get past the ultra important teens and 20s, then you are 'locked in' in a way..
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
Well, even if you're gay surely you could have a significant other move around with you? Maybe someone who works 'from home' wherever that is, or if your paycheck is big enough the other can just pursue own interests...? Surely there are people who'd be up for that kind of life...?

I think people can change, and if you can stick to a job surely you can stick with a human being too? Just my ponderings...
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
bsammy said:
id take a guess and say if you are still highly avoidant in your 30s, then its going to be with you for the rest of your life unless you undergo some major therapy and life changes...
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I have had many different forms of therapy. What is "major therapy"?
 
goblin

goblin

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
Well, I learn a lot about the world. Lol. And have lots of meaningless flings punctuating long periods of isolation. Being gay just makes it worse. Can't take a spouse with me.
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Thank goodness for the little things, then. Not a lot of people can claim much real-life experience of that kind.
 
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bsammy

Well-known member
Earthcircle said:
I have had many different forms of therapy. What is "major therapy"?
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cognitive behavioral therapy..not only would it take that but i believe the right meds and some luck, a combo of all 3 things..if you were in your teens id say the chance at having more success at changing would be higher but you have 40 plus years of shyness..very tough to break the cycle, you have to really devote all your effort to changing..
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
bsammy said:
cognitive behavioral therapy..not only would it take that but i believe the right meds and some luck, a combo of all 3 things..if you were in your teens id say the chance at having more success at changing would be higher but you have 40 plus years of shyness..very tough to break the cycle, you have to really devote all your effort to changing..
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I have taken a number of meds, and react to them badly. The only one I could take long-term was Nardil. It made me less shy, but people also found me very rude -- which is strange. The drug also overstimulated me so much that students made fun of me. They said "I want to take what he's taking." I don't think a med should have that effect on a person. I felt better when I stopped taking it. As for Buspar, Prozac, Zoloft, and Effexor, I found them intolerable.
 
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