Not meant for people

[theslowesthand]

Just now i realized again (after watching "happy, social people dining together" on tv) that i have never been "that" person, nor ever will be. I should know, at my age (late 30s). Which is probably why i stopped trying to work on my SA/shyness/etc many many years ago (at least in my teens, possibly in my childhood). I just "KNEW" i simply was not cut-out for people, in any way, shape or form (on a normal, regular basis anyway). I am UNABLE to be the normal, joking, smiling, sociable person; that just simply is not my personality, and would/does feel false & bad when i have tried to be in the past. So i just gave up, and now am true to myself, being always the serious, grumpy, unsociable, un-palatable, ugly, etc, persona/lity that i truly am.

Which is why i don't really regard my SA as a "problem", as that would imply that it is something that can be resolved. It's more just an occasional "hindrance" or "difficulty", or a permanent "handicap" .. not a "problem".

So that kinda sets me apart from most others on here, as i am "beyond hope" in this area. I HAVEN'T really got "SA" in the true sense, more of a "permanent social disability", as stated above (perhaps is due to my Aspergers/sth?).

But i have learnt to handle my situation, and being alone for 99% of time. My AvPD means i almost never go into situations where i am confronted with the social/people, and so i seldom then have to suffer the associated feelings of envy, missing-out, anger, bitterness, inferiority, etc, etc.

And i don't really even like chatting/etc (socialising) on here, or internet either. I know that some people on here have complained that 'my only social life is on the web!'. But they ARE at least semi-sociable. i don't even have (or want) that.

Anyone else on here in roughly same boat???

 

[Fin]

I understand very much where your coming from. My mom is like this. But i very much doubt you are ugly! Just to put summet out there do with it what you will but have you ever considered getting a pet? Be it a dog cat or even rabbit? Sometimes helps to focus you energys elsewhere.

 

[mikebird]

I like the fantasy phrase of 'self-employed'

It seems to have a middle-earth minority existence as a small part of society

I thought of a way to do it, but started realising that you can't earn your own fortune by yourself. You have to get others to do things for you. I dreamt of having a Human Resources person / people to do that bit for me. Every company have this department, and I like that it must be taken care of by those special, friendly, HR ladies, who smile a lot, and deal with paying employees. But it does very much involve firing people, and not letting anyone start with the company unless they are **PERFECT**

Where can a person start? My brother gives me ideas about cleaning: the windows of everyone in our apartment block, knocking on the doors, asking for £5 each. Getting a ladder and doing it. Or valeting the cars parked in the local railway station, asking £5 for each driver who gets the train to London.

Would be nice to have vet qualifications and take care of animals at a zoo, however aggressive and dangerous they are.

 

[laure15]

Which is why i don't really regard my SA as a "problem", as that would imply that it is something that can be resolved. It's more just an occasional "hindrance" or "difficulty", or a permanent "handicap" .. not a "problem".

So that kinda sets me apart from most others on here, as i am "beyond hope" in this area. I HAVEN'T really got "SA" in the true sense, more of a "permanent social disability", as stated above (perhaps is due to my Aspergers/sth?).

But i have learnt to handle my situation, and being alone for 99% of time. My AvPD means i almost never go into situations where i am confronted with the social/people, and so i seldom then have to suffer the associated feelings of envy, missing-out, anger, bitterness, inferiority, etc, etc.

Anyone else on here in roughly same boat???

I'm roughly on the same boat. I also don't like socializing with others for the most part and try to find as much alone time as possible. But the problem is, most jobs require applicants to have good interpersonal communication skills so if I want to get a job I will need to put myself in discomfort. I have student loans I need to pay off so I need a job (though winning the lottery would be good too). But after I pay off my student loans, I can quit the job if I'm not satisfied and go the nontraditional route (i.e. farming, try to work online, freelance, etc).

 

[fitftw]

I know I'm not meant for people because I can't be bothered with reading responses if they are longer than one or two sentences. Same with dealing with people in real life.

 

[Aron]

And i don't really even like chatting/etc (socialising) on here, or internet either. I know that some people on here have complained that 'my only social life is on the web!'. But they ARE at least semi-sociable. i don't even have (or want) that.

Heh, look at my statistics:
Posts Per Day: 0.08

Talk about sociable. But I do want to do it thought, I just can't... or I don't know.

I see my SA like you do, a "permanent handicap". I'm in my early 30s, and I know it's not likely to change.

 

[Lowlight]

I relate to this immensely.

When I was a kid I didn’t mind being alone at all. I would just hang out at my house alone without any troubles. As I started to get older, especially going from middle school into high school, I saw other people enjoying themselves greatly by having friends and boyfriends/girlfriends. I suddenly felt that my lot in life wasn’t enough. I thought I was missing out and that being more like everyone else would put life in a new light.

I got a few friends and even had a girl who wanted to go out with me. The problem is that whenever a person got close to me I would just shut them out. I would sit with people in school, but after the bell rang I would sequester myself at home in my room.

I’m 24 now, and have only recently reflected on my situation. I think to myself, would going out like others do really make me happy? I hate going to movies or out to eat or just being in public in general. Do I think that if I just had someone else with me I would suddenly find these things enjoyable? Would I really want to deal with the fighting and disappointment I would cause someone who would want to be with me? What exactly do I want, and what is the cost of getting it?

In the end I just wanted all the positives of being social and having a significant other, without the necessary work that would be involved.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

In the end I just wanted all the positives of being social and having a significant other, without the necessary work that would be involved.

I think this has been my big problem for the last number of years. It's like I'm waiting to be discovered. Some girl is going to notice all of my wonderful traits and "save" me from my misery.
Being a hopeless romantic, I constantly daydream of saving the girl. A knight in shinning armor, so to speak. And yet, here I am, waiting for.........a princess in shining lace? I hate to use this cliche but I need to man up if I'm going to get into a relationship.

:thinking: Hmmm.......Life HAPPENS when you're pursuing it, and passes when you're not. So many years have passed............Where was I? I don't know....I don't know.

 

[jaim38]

^I used to have similar thoughts too. I used to daydream about a rich "prince in shining armor" who can save me from the life I live, but now I don't have such desires anymore. I used to see myself as a weak woman but now I want to become stronger and do something for myself.

 

[satstrn]

So, what exactly is the problem? If you dont like being around people and dont want to be, then youre fine right? Giving up is inexcusable. If youre going to give up, then dont complain about your situation as it will never change. Be happy you have enough to eat.

 

[OceanMist]

I have a few things that come to mind with my thoughts on this thread.

As for the post above me, the OP is not fine to answer your question that you asked if the OP was fine because he doesn't like being around people and doesn't want to be. No human being is fine if they spend an excessive amount of time alone.

I think that's the reason this thread was made (That you are hurting right now inside because of lack of personal connection with people). I see what people say when they say it can be easier to observe someone else when you aren't them. I know you will probably try to tell me I'm wrong about everything I'm saying, but whatever, that seems to happen a lot in these threads with anyone who has a strong opinion on anything.

After reading this thread, it reminds me how tough it is to have SA. You speak of having all those problems, many of which I can relate with.

I disagree that it's not a problem, because I do think SA is definitely a problem. When SA is so bad that it throws us into excessive isolation, that is so not healthy for our mental health. It leaves us depressed and lonely, whether we want to admit or not.

I personally think avoiding anything social is the worst thing you can do because the further we dip into isolation the more time we have to be lonely and depressed, which can lead to suicide for some people. Either way, it's a lot of suffering.

You probably will tell me, well why are you on here if you think you have your shat together? Well I obviously don't have my shat together, and I am also an SA sufferer. I just have some understanding of what's wrong with us and thought I'd give my thoughts on this thread.

Also, I don't like the "be happy you have enough to eat" comment. You can't honestly expect anyone to just sit in their room alone and glorify that they have food on their table. SA, depression and loneliness are painful whether we are getting enough to eat or not. Just because I live in an industrialized nation doesn't mean I'm not suffering from an anxiety disorder.

 

[theslowesthand]

WOW satstrn, for a short post it sure "packs some punch"!!! :bat: But it's all good - "constructive criticism" :bigsmile:

So, what exactly is the problem? If you dont like being around people and dont want to be, then youre fine right?

Well the problem certainly isn't my "social disability". It used to be, when i was around people (school & work), not not any more. My problems are things like OCPD, extreme AvPD, workaholism (not job, but at pc), loneliness (seems is getting worse every year), unable to do anything outside of routine (prob due to aspergers/OCPD), hoarding, sleeping patterns "pole-shift" (can't get back to sleeping at night & awake during day), etc, etc.

Giving up is inexcusable

It happens. Yes, i have completely given up on ever having a social life (or woman friend), but still am every single day trying to combat all my other problems. But i must admit, it does increasingly seem i might not be able to resolve my problems. Life is just too complex. No "system" seems to work, not even by a long-shot (as the human brain/mind & life is just too complex for any "logical systems" to handle; medication & psychiatry barely have got to tip of iceberg .. still very in their infancy).

If youre going to give up, then dont complain about your situation as it will never change

I don't mean to sound negative about things, or "complain" (which i never do, in my own mind .. i just tell it like it is, warts'n'all, good and bad - which i guess is termed "complain"?). I love a "good complain" lol (mind you, others usually aren't too keen on it, lol)

Be happy you have enough to eat

Ha ha .. i'm surving right now on "scraps" of food

 

[theslowesthand]

I think that's the reason this thread was made (That you are hurting right now inside because of lack of personal connection with people)

I posted this thread due to seeing something on tv (a cooking program, showing at end, people sitting together at table, laughing/etc). I've NEVER been able to do that, but that's not a problem now. But the ad did "inspire" me create this thread, as it i may have finally found he missing pieces in the puzzle??? (has a few cerebral gaps in the overall picture, which now is more complete). I never put down any personal emotional pain to being an isolated hermit. But social contact is a "basic human need", so logically i can see that it possibly might have a slight effect on my emotional health. Thing is, i've been alone for so very long (all my life really), that i don't have anything to compare my situation with; ie i'm an "experiment", but there's no "control" to compare the results with .. so i just think 'yeah, i'm getting the correct results' (even tho they may be majorly "out" from the "correct" results).

I disagree that it's not a problem, because I do think SA is definitely a problem. When SA is so bad that it throws us into excessive isolation, that is so not healthy for our mental health. It leaves us depressed and lonely, whether we want to admit or not

I tend to view SA as a symptom of other issues/problems (just like most anxiety disorders are a symptom of neurosis (irrational thought patterns).

I personally think avoiding anything social is the worst thing you can do because the further we dip into isolation the more time we have to be lonely and depressed, which can lead to suicide for some people. Either way, it's a lot of suffering

I kind of agree. But i've been this way my whole life, and so have never seen "the other side". I'm so used to it - being isolated, sterile, distant, "cold", alone, lonely (at times) - that it's my normality. And change scares the bejesus out of me. It really does. But i'm just starting to face some hard facts about life, the main one being that there is no avoiding change. It's going to happen sooner or later, one way or the other. Just learnt the other day that my parents cat died (at xmas, i only found out). That upset me in a major way, and i was completely inconsolable that night. I broke down "big", which very very seldom happens. But change does that. Even small changes "upset" me, make me really anxious; big changes tend to "wipe me out", such as what happened the other day.

You probably will tell me, well why are you on here if you think you have your shat together? Well I obviously don't have my shat together, and I am also an SA sufferer. I just have some understanding of what's wrong with us and thought I'd give my thoughts on this thread

I would never talk to sby like that, even on the web .. it's just not how i roll. And i appreciate your thoughts on the matter! (your thoughts DO matter!)

 

[laure15]

And change scares the bejesus out of me. It really does. But i'm just starting to face some hard facts about life, the main one being that there is no avoiding change. It's going to happen sooner or later, one way or the other. Just learnt the other day that my parents cat died (at xmas, i only found out). That upset me in a major way, and i was completely inconsolable that night. I broke down "big", which very very seldom happens. But change does that. Even small changes "upset" me, make me really anxious; big changes tend to "wipe me out", such as what happened the other day.

I'm on the same boat. I can handle small changes but big changes can put me out of balance. I broke down when I found out I had to do jury duty just last year, and I came out of it feeling even worse.

 

[ClovizKarts]

yes totaly!

i never could socialize even in computers, i am starting know, i am so lonely and actualy i am feeling very good by doing it