Paying for affection??

[dottie]

I have to say, your posts make me feel really sad. I don't pity you, but it's undeniably sad that you're so starved for affection. I don't mean that with any malice, it just does sadden me. I'm a really tactile person and I actually can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

That being said it's really difficult to comment. I don't think what you're suggesting is morally wrong, but my instinct is to say that an experience you pay for.. while it may be physically gratifying.. won't be emotionally fulfilling. You won't be able to emotionally develop with this person, and to be honest there's also a danger you'll become reliant on that rather than developing real human connections. You're still so young, too, it isn't like you're fifty and have never been hugged.

My advice would be just be really patient. It must be so hard, I can't imagine.. but if you've waited this long, just try waiting a little longer. You say you've only recently joined this site to try and make connections.. well.. give it time, join up on other sites if first contact face-to-face is a bit scary. Hopefully you'll be able to make an emotional connection and then the physical can follow.

I genuinely believe that if you wait the whole experience will be so much more gratifying.

amp so eloquently sums it up again!

don't do this. it may give you some sort of momentary gratification, but afterward you will only be left more confused and tortured.

 

[surewhynot]

If you do this, every single second that you will spend with that person, there will be that little thought in the back of your head, constantly reminding you that she's only doing it for the money, and that she has no feelings for you. I can't see anything good comming out of this.

 

[JackOfSpades]

Everyone is different and no one can know for you if this will or won't help. I hear a lot that this stuff doesn't work, but I don't believe that's true for everyone. Someone mentioned surrogates before. I'm a little the other way in that my longing is giving my affection to someone, not necessarily receiving. And it is romantic/sexual affection so maybe it's different. But I can honestly say I've rode the confidence, and sense of belonging from some experiences for a very long time.

Some people are invited to the party. Some people pay to get in. And some people climb in through the friggin' window. But once you're in, and no one kicks you out that may be all you need to get your ball rolling again. So you can seek out what you need more conventionally.

 

[vj288]

Can't buy me love

If you're paying for it, it's not affection. That simple. It's attention, which might be quite pleasant--but not affection. Affection can't be bought.

Well you might be able to feel that it's affection, and that might be good enough. I think if I close my eyes when a girl is cuddling me and telling me they love me I could really make myself believe it was real! When I see some of my students hug their parents at the end of the day sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I'm them. So this could maybe work?

I agree with NathanielWingatePeaslee. What makes a hug, or cuddling, or saying I love you affectionate is not the act itself but the emotion behind it. The fact that you have to close your eyes to imagine it's real should show you that.

I know it is hard to feel alone and unloved, and maybe this would be better than nothing, I am not one to say whether it is or isn't. The "girlfriend experience" is about as much like having a girlfriend as reality Tv is like real life though. At best it would fulfill a fantasy.

 

[JackOfSpades]

Re: Can't buy me love

I agree with NathanielWingatePeaslee. What makes a hug, or cuddling, or saying I love you affectionate is not the act itself but the emotion behind it. The fact that you have to close your eyes to imagine it's real should show you that.

But how do you know that's true for him? Maybe he feels incapable of being touched that. Not every method of recovery involves real world experience. Some involves simulation. Exposure to a lesser version or safer version of something. Maybe he needs to see, in whatever way is available to him, that he can be hugged. That he's not as rejectable as he may feel.

Also, not everyone views sex workers as anything more than a person providing a service. Or another human being. When the plumber fixes my tub, I'm not preoccupied with the notion he would never do this for free.

 

[vj288]

Re: Can't buy me love

But how do you know that's true for him? Maybe he feels incapable of being touched that. Not every method of recovery involves real world experience. Some involves simulation. Exposure to a lesser version or safer version of something. Maybe he needs to see, in whatever way is available to him, that he can be hugged. That he's not as rejectable as he may feel.

Also, not everyone views sex workers as anything more than a person providing a service. Or another human being. When the plumber fixes my tub, I'm not preoccupied with the notion he would never do this for free.

I never said it couldn't be good exposure therapy. Affection also isn't required to gain exposure. Very often exposure therapy can start from things that aren't real world experiences, it's called "Systematic desensitization." Like if someone were afraid of snakes, they may start by showing a picture of a snake rather than an actual snake. All I was saying is a picture of a snake obviously is not the same thing as an actual snake.

 

[xDreamseller]

If you're paying for it, it's not affection. That simple. It's attention, which might be quite pleasant--but not affection. Affection can't be bought.

Pretty much this. Might be a nice experience (all be it kinda awkward and expensive) though.

 

[Articulate]

Re: Can't buy me love

I agree with NathanielWingatePeaslee. What makes a hug, or cuddling, or saying I love you affectionate is not the act itself but the emotion behind it. The fact that you have to close your eyes to imagine it's real should show you that.

I know it is hard to feel alone and unloved, and maybe this would be better than nothing, I am not one to say whether it is or isn't. The "girlfriend experience" is about as much like having a girlfriend as reality Tv is like real life though. At best it would fulfill a fantasy.

I agree that what would make a hug or kiss or the words 'I love you' truly special is the emotion and sincerity behind them. However what I would ask you is this. If you had three options: Real affection, purchased affection or no affection at all, out of the last two which one would you think was better for a person? I can't ever have love from a mother I know that, unless maybe I was with a girl whose mother loved me. But in the absence of that would it maybe not be better to have some purchased affection from someone? I'd love to have hope that I'll one day meet a girl who will love me and show me affection, and get me over these attachment problems. But however much I want that I HAVE to be realistic. Will I ever find it? Some ordinary people never do. So why would it be so outlandish to think that someone like me with severe emotional issues would never find it?

Like I said my counsellor said to me that I'm vulnerable and that I'm 'in such need of basic love, that I'm reaching out for affection in places that could cost me my career and life just to feel whole.' For whatever reason I'm very desperate right now.

 

[JackOfSpades]

Do paid animal care workers provide affection to the animals? What about home care or hospice workers? Are they not providing affection despite being paid to do so?

Babysitters?

 

[Lea]

I think even purchased affection can be good.. they´re humans too after all.

 

[MikeyC]

I say go for it. Reading what you've been through, it would probably be beneficial for you in the long run. Sure, it'll be fake, but you'll then have experience in affection, which might help you out later on when a girl comes into your life. The fact that you need to buy affection saddens me.

Lots of mixed opinion here, but my opinion is that you should give it a try. If you have the money, I can't see anything bad coming from it.

 

[dottie]

really, it's sad. this is hardly a "service." they aren't going to magically teach you that you are lovable. what a crock. you aren't going to walk away feeling empowered or enlightened. you are going to walk away feeling even more unlovable because you were desperate enough to pay a con-artist to stomach your presence and lie to you for 45 minutes.

there is something especially pathetic here. if i ever found out my boyfriend did this at some point... i would be disappointed. really.

 

[JackOfSpades]

I reiterate that nobody knows that. Nobody knows how he'll feel or what he needs. And the other part just sounds like you're not understanding of the depths of his struggle. And for the oft misunderstood like us, that is unfortunate.

 

[dottie]

you really think he will walk away from this feeling better about himself? on an honest level. be real.

 

[JackOfSpades]

I'm speaking on an honest level. I think he may walk away feeling like he's capable of being hugged. That he's not so flawed as to be unable to ever experience this. And that he may feel some solace in that. And the experience may press him on to seek it more conventionally with some amount of confidence, just by sheer knowledge that he's done it before.

I think you may be underestimating what it can mean for someone possibly because it wouldn't for you.

 

[dottie]

maybe you're right. if someone is that disabled to need this.

 

[Articulate]

really, it's sad. this is hardly a "service." they aren't going to magically teach you that you are lovable. what a crock. you aren't going to walk away feeling empowered or enlightened. you are going to walk away feeling even more unlovable because you were desperate enough to pay a con-artist to stomach your presence and lie to you for 45 minutes.

there is something especially pathetic here. if i ever found out my boyfriend did this at some point... i would be disappointed. really.

I don't understand why it should be considered 'normal' or generic or understandable for hordes of men to use prostitues to provide them with sexual gratification that they can't get elsewhere. I mean that's exceptionally common. I'm sure if you found out your boyfriend at one time, perhaps while on holiday, used a prostitute for sex you wouldn't be really disappointed??

If that is the case why does it make me so pathetic and sad to pay a girl for this? I'm not asking for sex, I'm asking for a girl to show me affection for the first time in my life, and provide me with something I've never experienced before. It's obviously not what one would have wanted starting out in life, and I understand it's quite sad to be considering it. However, what is the alternative? Where else can I realistically find someone, whom I don't have to pay, to cuddle me and say they love me? The older I get the more severe my complexes about physical contact and emotion get. I am trying, I really am.

 

[Articulate]

maybe you're right. if someone is that disabled to need this.

And I'm not 'disabled'! I've spent alot of time in SEN schools. These are just problems from childhood I really want to overcome.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I don't understand why it should be considered 'normal' or generic or understandable for hordes of men to use prostitues to provide them with sexual gratification that they can't get elsewhere. I mean that's exceptionally common. I'm sure if you found out your boyfriend at one time, perhaps while on holiday, used a prostitute for sex you wouldn't be really disappointed??

You're making a false assumption--lots of men go who can get sex elsewhere. That's not the only reason and I doubt it's the typical one. That's a minor point, though.

If that is the case why does it make me so pathetic and sad to pay a girl for this?

Men who pay for sex get sex. Men who pay for affection get lied to. Important difference. You can't possibly think a girl is going to respect or care for someone who's paying her to pretend to like him, do you?

I'm not asking for sex, I'm asking for a girl to show me affection for the first time in my life, and provide me with something I've never experienced before.

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

It's obviously not what one would have wanted starting out in life, and I understand it's quite sad to be considering it. However, what is the alternative? Where else can I realistically find someone, whom I don't have to pay, to cuddle me and say they love me? The older I get the more severe my complexes about physical contact and emotion get. I am trying, I really am.

You really seem to have made up your mind before you posted this thread, but seriously--try anything but this (or a student). Please.

 

[dottie]

i wasn't talking about prostitution. but, yeah. i'd be disappointed if i found out my bf did that, too.

this is unsettling to me in that you are emotionally deluding yourself. the whole purpose is to lie to yourself.

be honest with yourself. how is this going to teach you to approach women? how is this going to promote growth?

be honest with yourself. this is not going to provide you with something you haven't experienced in life. this is going to provide you with a mechanical simulation, a hollow lie. you will not be experiencing the real thing so how would you walk away feeling at all fulfilled or changed? you will not experience the chemistry shared between two people. you will not experience the sexual tension between two people who have stumbled through life to connect. you will not feel the fire behind a kiss. you will not feel the passion beneath the fingertips. there is no animal magnetism. everything she speaks to you will be a lie. every compliment, every word will be meaningless.

if you want to go through with it, that is your business. i just think it's important to be honest about what it is and what you will get out of it. don't expect much from it. if i were you i'd get a massage. this is just the candid feedback you asked for. :/