I get annoyed with my "needy" friend! what´s your opinion?

[Nanita]

I´d like to know your opinions on this.. I have a friend that I sometimes get really annoyed with!
( She is a 32 year old female, and I am a 31 year old female.....)

I will try to explain; What I mostly get annoyed with is that she expects us to be very very "close", and we are close since we have known each other for 12 years and have a lot of mutual interests and have experienced fun things and difficult things together. We have aso had some periods with not much contact, but the past year we have had more and more contact since we have been living in the same town.
I feel that she´s often pushing me, by needing me to live up to her expectations regarding level of contact or how many loving sweet words I say to her.

She feels rejected very easily. She expects me to write back quickly when she sends me an email or text message, even when I´m out of the country.
Like right now, I´m out of the country. One week ago she send me an email, talking about different stuff (mostly a continuation about a subject that we have talked about (a bad experience that she had). In the email she mentioned that she has been doing some good daily things for her health, inspired by me actually, and that she is very happy to have me as a friend, - she expressed it with very kind words.

When I read the email I didn´t feel like responding right away, and I guess that´s how I like to communicate freely with friends, if it´s nothing "urgent" , I will just reply whenever I have time or when the mood is right.
So I didn´t reply to that email yest, and today I got a new long email from her saying that it´s strange and unpleasant that I haven´t written to her, that I haven´t shown any reaction to what she wrote (about being glad that I´m her friend) - she asks if I have been busy or if I haven´t had proper internet access, since I´m in another country.

In the meantime since she send me ther first email, I have been really busy, taking care of 4 orphan kittens that I found.
But that´s not even the point. I should be able to write whenever the time is right, and not feeling pressured. No matter if I´m busy or not busy.

What does this mean..Are we not compatible as friends, since we have such different opinions about what the norms are in a friendship?
I have experienced this with her before, again and again. I get so irritated with her. I have told her that I like to be free and act as I will. I understand the feeling of rejection that she has, but in a way I I feel like saying "Come on please, I am your friend but I can´t behave exactly how you want me to...and obviously you have some needs that I can´t fulfill".

Aaaargh.. frustrated

 

[dyingtolive]

i get this sometimes too... long emails are intimidating to reply to and take longer to reply to. as long as u let her know that u were planning to reply and just be nice.

the frustration of not getting a reply can also be hard on a person, so just be patient with her i guess. she was upset about something so maybe that contribute to the freaking out

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Why don't you talk to her about how you feel like she is putting pressure. Tell her that, sometimes, you won't be able to respond immediately to her messages, but you'll reply eventually. Try to set some boundaries for her. Like, to wait at least a certain number of days after sending a text to send a check-up text. She mght be more willing to comply if you offer her something, like promising to answer her texts quicker.

 

[YellowBird]

yes,i have the same problem,i know i probably shouldn't be saying this as i need friends desperately,but some people are too much.she is the only close friend i have and sometimes when i try to socialize with others she gets..jealous.and the other friend i had was the same,she tried to boycottage any other opportunities of me forming other friendships.

 

[Srijita52]

I think you need to talk to her about it, tell her that you need some personal space and it doesn't mean you won't be her close friend.

 

[Nanita]

the frustration of not getting a reply can also be hard on a person, so just be patient with her i guess. she was upset about something so maybe that contribute to the freaking out

Good point. I try to be patient to a certain degree...I don´t think I´m very patient with people in general and I tend to simply write them off if Iget too bothered too often, but maybe I should practice patience.

Why don't you talk to her about how you feel like she is putting pressure. Tell her that, sometimes, you won't be able to respond immediately to her messages, but you'll reply eventually. Try to set some boundaries for her. Like, to wait at least a certain number of days after sending a text to send a check-up text. She mght be more willing to comply if you offer her something, like promising to answer her texts quicker.

Yes I will definitely tell her that I feel a pressure from her and that I won´t always be able to answer on her terms. I don´t know I guess I find it tiring and even immature for me to set exact boundaries for the communication between us.

yes,i have the same problem,i know i probably shouldn't be saying this as i need friends desperately,but some people are too much.she is the only close friend i have and sometimes when i try to socialize with others she gets..jealous.and the other friend i had was the same,she tried to boycottage any other opportunities of me forming other friendships.

Me too, I really don´t have a lot of people to hang out with these days.. Not having many friends shouldn´t make me accept any annoying behaviour though, and I actually think I´d rather have alone time than being with someone I am not getting along with..
On the other hand, it´s also important to try to just accept people, with all their good sides and all their not so great sides.

I think you need to talk to her about it, tell her that you need some personal space and it doesn't mean you won't be her close friend.

Yes, because friendships should be able to survive even if it´s not possible to be in touch constantly.

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[Newtype]

I think I understand how you feel. You like the idea of having your freedom, you like being alone and doing your own things while not having the pressure of having to be in contact with other people all the time. It's not that you dislike your friend, it's just that when contact with her is so frequent, the friendship starts to become unnatural and feels more like a task that you need to complete, am I right?

In any case, I don't think there's an easy way to solve your problem. I personally think there's nothing wrong with you. In fact, I don't think that you should change, it's her who should change. It's not normal for a person to need another person so much. Obviously there are reasons why she is like this, but it's something that she needs to realize and deal with on her own, which is why this is so hard.

 

[Nanita]

I think I understand how you feel. You like the idea of having your freedom, you like being alone and doing your own things while not having the pressure of having to be in contact with other people all the time. It's not that you dislike your friend, it's just that when contact with her is so frequent, the friendship starts to become unnatural and feels more like a task that you need to complete, am I right?

In any case, I don't think there's an easy way to solve your problem. I personally think there's nothing wrong with you. In fact, I don't think that you should change, it's her who should change. It's not normal for a person to need another person so much. Obviously there are reasons why she is like this, but it's something that she needs to realize and deal with on her own, which is why this is so hard.

I know , right.. Yes the friendship can sometimes feel like a task. Everytime "something happens" to her (which is very often) she needs me or one of her other friends or all her friends, to comfort, listen and give comments and so on. This is probably more typical for females than for males...I think. (And since it bothers me, am I in fact a man then?! )