Feeling like a nobody lately

[Dark angel]

It has been a while since I don't feel like this. I'm months away from graduating college and instead of feeling excited because I'm getting my degree at last, I feel like I'm heading nowhere.For my entire life I've known what I wanted to do( I want to study medicine), but the reality is that I'm graduating and I have no work experience and no research experience. Adding insult to injury, I'm taking classes with a recent 20 year old who has done everything I've ever wanted to do, but didn't do before because of my constant fear of doing things wrong. This girl has done it all, internships, abroad conferences, lab work, you name it. I can't stop thinking that I'm 24, almost 25(uughh I even hate writing my age down, it hurts me) and I haven't done anything else, besides being buried in my books and in my house. I can't even go to a laboratory class without thinking that I will ruin everything and it is just then, that I get paralyzed and rather do nothing. I'm practically afraid that I've wasted my time dreaming of something that will never happen.
I hate this constant mood swings, for a minute I feel invincible and capable of achieving whatever I want and then, all of the sudden I listen to people like this who are just fearless and so competent and my dreams vanish away. It is pathetic how every single night I avoid going to sleep, trying to delay the next day to come. As if I could stop time or something, when the reality is that I just can't. What hurts me the most is my mom, she's a single parent and she has done the impossible in order to get me and my brother afloat. I don't want to dissapoint her. I want her to feel proud of me, but I guess you can't take pride from a person who can't even stand a side of herself in the damn mirror. Sometimes, I wonder why am I here? I tried talking to my brother because we are in a similar situation when it comes to our college lives. We both have had a hard time getting where we are at this point but he still has two more years before he finish. Still, he can't understand what I'm afraid of. I feel like nobody can't understand where I'm coming from. He and my mother think that I'm sooo intelligent but is not true. I'm not who they think I am, still I can see that they look at me differently, as If I'm this "genius" person that I'm not. Medicine is not an easy field, it is competitive and I'm weak in every single aspect of my life. Then how am I even gonna make it If I don't have the attitude and the experienced background that other student have? I should've known better that life was not gonna make me have this one...

 

[MikeyC]

I'm taking classes with a recent 20 year old who has done everything I've ever wanted to do, but didn't do before because of my constant fear of doing things wrong. This girl has done it all, internships, abroad conferences, lab work, you name it.

I bet I could name less than 5 people I know who have achieved what she has by the time they're 20. She is an exceptional case and it's not the norm.

You want to study medicine. Go for it. You hate writing your age down and I don't know why. You're 24 and you've already done more than me, and I'm 26. Your life has yet to begin. You can still do medicine. You're young.

Don't worry about trying to impress your mother and brother. You just focus on you.

 

[Gaucho]

you can be very proud of yourself to be able to achieve a medicine degree, i knew a person who was 38 and was finishing his degree. You are still very young, and you still can have all the lovely life experiences.
Maybe if its very severe you should visit a therapist to help you.
Don't feel guilty about the past, but try to change the future.

 

[Csea88]

It has been a while since I don't feel like this. I'm months away from graduating college and instead of feeling excited because I'm getting my degree at last, I feel like I'm heading nowhere.For my entire life I've known what I wanted to do( I want to study medicine), but the reality is that I'm graduating and I have no work experience and no research experience. Adding insult to injury, I'm taking classes with a recent 20 year old who has done everything I've ever wanted to do, but didn't do before because of my constant fear of doing things wrong. This girl has done it all, internships, abroad conferences, lab work, you name it. I can't stop thinking that I'm 24, almost 25(uughh I even hate writing my age down, it hurts me) and I haven't done anything else, besides being buried in my books and in my house. I can't even go to a laboratory class without thinking that I will ruin everything and it is just then, that I get paralyzed and rather do nothing. I'm practically afraid that I've wasted my time dreaming of something that will never happen.
I hate this constant mood swings, for a minute I feel invincible and capable of achieving whatever I want and then, all of the sudden I listen to people like this who are just fearless and so competent and my dreams vanish away. It is pathetic how every single night I avoid going to sleep, trying to delay the next day to come. As if I could stop time or something, when the reality is that I just can't. What hurts me the most is my mom, she's a single parent and she has done the impossible in order to get me and my brother afloat. I don't want to dissapoint her. I want her to feel proud of me, but I guess you can't take pride from a person who can't even stand a side of herself in the damn mirror. Sometimes, I wonder why am I here? I tried talking to my brother because we are in a similar situation when it comes to our college lives. We both have had a hard time getting where we are at this point but he still has two more years before he finish. Still, he can't understand what I'm afraid of. I feel like nobody can't understand where I'm coming from. He and my mother think that I'm sooo intelligent but is not true. I'm not who they think I am, still I can see that they look at me differently, as If I'm this "genius" person that I'm not. Medicine is not an easy field, it is competitive and I'm weak in every single aspect of my life. Then how am I even gonna make it If I don't have the attitude and the experienced background that other student have? I should've known better that life was not gonna make me have this one...

Well, First off I'd like to say congratulations on getting that far! that is an accomplishment in and off itself....I got into college not too long ago and I'm 24 and I wanted to be a nursing student but I messed that up so bad and I can say no matter the achievements of other people, you're still doing pretty great if you about to finish college most people can't even get past the first month but you managed to ...take everything in small steps when you graduate and if you feel like you're not as competitive or weak , just know that there's always other options, especially someone as smart as you who got into college in the first place :/ I know I don't know you but I'm trying to give you some support and know that there's always tomorrow, and there's always a chance for change...in difficult times we might not realize that..there's always time to make a change

 

[Roman Legion]

I understand how you feel about not being excited, I remember when I finished paying the loan on my car off, my parents just didn't understand how I wasn't excited in the slightest modicum about paying it off and paying off early.. I don't know the answer to that, but don't feel bad about not being excited when most poeple would be, you are an individual and we are all different. I also understand the mood change, I found that getting excited about things makes for a bigger let down when or if it failed.. Being a bit pessimistic, I expect things to fail and feel better about them when they work and no different when they fail. I think you graduating is a rather impressive feat that I hope I can accomplish as you have one day.

 

[Dark angel]

I bet I could name less than 5 people I know who have achieved what she has by the time they're 20. She is an exceptional case and it's not the norm.

You want to study medicine. Go for it. You hate writing your age down and I don't know why. You're 24 and you've already done more than me, and I'm 26. Your life has yet to begin. You can still do medicine. You're young.

Don't worry about trying to impress your mother and brother. You just focus on you.

I know those kinds of things shouldn't bother me, I guess it is my really low self steem that does not help at all. I keep comparing myself to others even when I know it does make any good to me. Must stop doing that instantly. About the age thing, I don't know why I found aging so threatening, I guess it is the fear of not achieving anything that gets to me. Thanks Mikey C for your support.

 

[Dark angel]

Well, First off I'd like to say congratulations on getting that far! that is an accomplishment in and off itself....I got into college not too long ago and I'm 24 and I wanted to be a nursing student but I messed that up so bad and I can say no matter the achievements of other people, you're still doing pretty great if you about to finish college most people can't even get past the first month but you managed to ...take everything in small steps when you graduate and if you feel like you're not as competitive or weak , just know that there's always other options, especially someone as smart as you who got into college in the first place :/ I know I don't know you but I'm trying to give you some support and know that there's always tomorrow, and there's always a chance for change...in difficult times we might not realize that..there's always time to make a change

Csea, thanks for your support also and your optimistic ways of seeing things. Really appreciate it

 

[MikeyC]

I know those kinds of things shouldn't bother me, I guess it is my really low self steem that does not help at all. I keep comparing myself to others even when I know it does make any good to me. Must stop doing that instantly. About the age thing, I don't know why I found aging so threatening, I guess it is the fear of not achieving anything that gets to me. Thanks Mikey C for your support.

I understand what you're saying about not achieving anything because I feel the same. Comparing ourselves to others is something we all do whether we know it or not. You're still doing a good job studying medicine. Keep at it and you'll be curing my ailing body one day.

 

[Hoppy]

Don't worry much about other people, just do your own thing at your own pace.

A girl who was in the same school as me, prodigy, did the best at school, won a Rhodes scholarship and did her masters degree in economics at Cambridge University in England. She ended up as an lecturer at a university and realised she didn't like it and is now a yoga instructor. And she's happy.

 

[Roman Legion]

Don't worry much about other people, just do your own thing at your own pace.

A girl who was in the same school as me, prodigy, did the best at school, won a Rhodes scholarship and did her masters degree in economics at Cambridge University in England. She ended up as an lecturer at a university and realised she didn't like it and is now a yoga instructor. And she's happy.

Random thought tangent: As soon as I saw 'Rhodes Scholarship" I instantly remembered when my father would talk to me about the Rhodesian Army..

<Sorry to derail, just popped into my head and thought sharing would be caring>