Speaking in groups vs speaking 1 to 1

[KiaKaha]

Hey guys,

Been meaning to do this thread for a while, I wanted to get some feedback on this topic. Just wondering how many of you feel uncomfortable speaking up in groups rather than 1 to 1. I am far more capable with my shyness/social phobia dealing with one or two people at a time, but have great difficulty in groups.

I am particularly shy when it comes to situations where other people can hear me speak to one other person (like if I am on the phone and there are other people in the room within earshot for example) It makes me very uncomfortable and if I have to, I will do it in a quiet voice so no one will be able to hear me....even posting on a forum is a little uncomfortable, having everyone see what it is that I am writing..


So I am just wondering do you feel comfortable speaking groups? or are you better at talking 1 to 1 with other people....honestly the only way people get to know me is when I converse one to one.

 

[Raijin]

im more better at talking to people one on one depending on what it is im talking to the other person about but stil i aml still nervous some of the time but when it comes to groups or crowds of people i usually stick to myself or find somewhere less populated

 

[crescent]

If it's someone that I don't know very well, I'm better in a small group. It's because I don't need to find topics to talk to and I can just go with the flow of conversation. I don't normally talk much in a small group too, but at least I don't feel awkward.
I enjoy talking one-on-one if it's a close friend.

 

[MikeyC]

even posting on a forum is a little uncomfortable, having everyone see what it is that I am writing..

I certainly wouldn't want someone over my shoulder while I post stuff here, either. That would make me uncomfortable, too.

For me, it depends. If it's a group, I should be able to relate to what's going on but if I'm not relating, I'll go quiet.

One-on-one is a different ball game. It depends on who it's with. With my closest friend it's not bothersome because we can always talk crap or sit there in relative silence and it somehow doesn't get awkward. For others, it can (and will) get awkward. It's happened before.

So, to answer the question, I'm better in a group of about 4 people because if I want to go silent, which happens, the others can carry on chatting and I'll join back in when I feel it's appropriate or necessary. I don't have that luxury with a one-on-one conversation.

 

[KiaKaha]

Hmmm interesting..

I think I might be better one to one because there is only one person listening to me...and if I say something stupid where people will judge me negatively it wont have that much of an impact.. Its kind of like stage fright perhaps...

Can anybody understand the fear that someone would have speaking up in a group... in respect to being shy I mean.. Just curious if someone out there can relate..

 

[Joan6466]

I can truthfully say, at one time I was totally phobic of speaking in groups, giving presentations, anything social. I think it involves the process of pedestaling everyone else-that they are somehow all perfect and I am this pathetic inadequate (but superior) being..It became my life's study and work until a health problem intervened.
It involves remembering that they don't have time to put me under the microscope- their heads are filled with their own concerns- the tragedies in their families- their doubts and worries. No one has a perfect life-tho we present our best facade to the world. It also involves my not just speaking up when it is vital to me or I feel strongly about something. Start the habit of involvement first. Smile, and nod- affiliative body language- so we don't look aloof and judgemental- practice it- in front of a mirror. The easiest place to begin is with a supportive add-on to what someone else has said- "John made a good point, because....
Always respect your attempts. Praise yourself for the attempt- good for me- I actually said "That's really true". usually we walk away doing a self-condemnation for what I didn't do, and the brain remembers that punishment the next time. It WILL change for you.
I love that the feeling of connection grows as you become socially comfortable. It contributes to your overall health and less depression.

 

[Nanita]

I prefer being with 1 person at the time, I get very nervous when in groups. It´s like something happens in the conversation and communication, when there´s more than 2 people, it gets superficial and people tend to interrupt each other, fighting for the attention or something.... Okay maybe it´s not that bad, but I have just noticed the way the communication often changes when more people are present, and I don´t like it.

 

[emre43]

I'm fine when one-on-one. Two or more is when it starts becoming difficut for me.

 

[IcedEarth25]

Hmmm interesting..

I think I might be better one to one because there is only one person listening to me...and if I say something stupid where people will judge me negatively it wont have that much of an impact.. Its kind of like stage fright perhaps...

Can anybody understand the fear that someone would have speaking up in a group... in respect to being shy I mean.. Just curious if someone out there can relate..

I feel alot better with just 1 to 1 conversation. The whole thing of an entire group just listening to me talk about things they don't care about is very nerve racking, also depends who you are with, if your with a close friend then that's a little different but yea 1 to 1 seems better to me anyways.

 

[phantastica]

it depends on the group. in general it's easier to talk to just one person, in groups i tend to not saying anything. i expect someone else to say what i would have said, so what's the point in talking.. (in the settings that come to my mind, it's stressful and usually unrewarding to talk.)
if it's a small group and i don't know anybody (or only scarcely know them, like fellow students), it can be easier as with a sole person i'm not familiar with. it really depends on the feeling i get from the persons in the group.
if among the group is someone i do know better and others i don't know, it's hell. i can't behave properly, inner terror at its height. [it's one of my biggest fears, that someone i know will be ashamed of me. (or will realize, that i'm a different person than he thought, when he sees me interacting with someone else.)] same goes for a single person, who is a friend of someone i know.
hm.

 

[Mike135]

I prefer 1 to 1 conversations too.

 

[Silatuyok]

I was thinking about this today. I think I do best in small groups, like if there are two or three other people. That way, I don't feel as much pressure to keep the conversation going, but I still feel like I'm enough of a physical presence to actually be noticed when I do say something!

 

[MikeyC]

I was thinking about this today. I think I do best in small groups, like if there are two or three other people. That way, I don't feel as much pressure to keep the conversation going, but I still feel like I'm enough of a physical presence to actually be noticed when I do say something!

I've already commented here but yeah, this is basically me, too.

 

[KiaKaha]

Interesting to note that some people prefer groups because it takes the pressure off that person to speak... in that way I kind of agree.

The problem is, in a group people are talking and tend to get caught up in the moment, and not notice the quiet one...who sits there unhappily feeling self conscious

It is difficult to push the conversation forward with one other person though, especially if its you that has to do most of the talking. I think my problem is that I care about what other people think, so if there are lots of people listening to me, the potential for someone to judge me is greater than with just one person...kind of like making a speech I suppose... I tend to relax and be myself a lot more when its just one other.

 

[MikeyC]

The problem is, in a group people are talking and tend to get caught up in the moment, and not notice the quiet one...who sits there unhappily feeling self conscious

Yeah, this is the downside to a group. I was recently in a group of 4 and they had all started talking on a tangent to the main conversation and I was sitting there, eating, not feeling talkative all of a sudden and then I got the immediate urge to just leave, because I wasn't feeling so great about it. But I still think the small group dynamic outweighs the one-on-one scenario, because I couldn't sit there quiet at all - the conversation needs to flow and convey no matter how I feel.

 

[Predacon]

I'm a lot better at one to one, in a group I never know who to focus on.

 

[LifeInternal88]

Hey Shykiwi

I don't like one-on-one; means you gotta keep the conversation going. And if it's with someone I'm not free with, there will be a lot of awkward silences. So I prefer at least one other person. For me the silences aren't so awkward when there's 3 people.

And the phone thing...I hate hate hate it! SO glad I'm not alone on this. I actually keep my phone on silent in the car because if it rings, there is nowhere to escape to.

I hate the phone in general.

 

[KiaKaha]

Yeah, this is the downside to a group. I was recently in a group of 4 and they had all started talking on a tangent to the main conversation and I was sitting there, eating, not feeling talkative all of a sudden and then I got the immediate urge to just leave, because I wasn't feeling so great about it. But I still think the small group dynamic outweighs the one-on-one scenario, because I couldn't sit there quiet at all - the conversation needs to flow and convey no matter how I feel.

Thats pretty much how I am all the time when it comes to speaking within groups. Except for the fact that I fear that as soon as I open my mouth everyone will stop talking and give you the "ugh... who the hell is this guy?" look.

Anyway, the thread can die now. Thanks everyone who took the time to respond, it gave me some new perspectives. I appreciate it.

 

[MikeyC]

Thats pretty much how I am all the time when it comes to speaking within groups. Except for the fact that I fear that as soon as I open my mouth everyone will stop talking and give you the "ugh... who the hell is this guy?" look.

I certainly doubt that happens.