I Never Get Any Attention From The Girls...

[Pookah]

I don't think random spontaneous meeting with strangers is the way to go is all. Not a logical approach imo. Hence, I don't think the archaic men must make the first move thing applies. Neither does expecting women to. It doesn't have to be that way. Unfortunately society is screwed up, and our SA doesn't help any of us out.

 

[Minty]

If you don't have the guts to even go to a bar, then that's just totally giving up. If you refuse to go out, then no you don't have an advantage and you will never get a man unless some miracle occurs. Most people are willing to go out if they want a b/f like it sounds like you do. There is much less pressure on you because you don't have to start conversations with men.

But yeah, if you don't ever go out, then you aren't at an advantage. But that also means you are the only one to blame for being alone if you don't go out. Don't expect to get a b/f if you never go out. The same goes for men trying to get a g/f.

If you don't even have the empathy to understand why a girl with SA would avoid a bar, I'm guessing you barely have SA. More like severe shyness. It's called a disorder because it creates disorder in people's lives and limits their abilities.

I can go shopping. I can go out with a couple friends. I can go to school. I cannot go to a place where most of the people will be drinking and thinking about sex. That doesn't equate to "totally giving up".

 

[Felgen]

So you don't mention the women that don't put up with guys who have social anxiety? I believe more women won't put up with socially anxious guys than men won't put up with socially anxious women. It's because women can be pickier because they usually have more options. You can see this at it's most intense when you compare a guy's message box to a women's message box on online dating websites. Women get paraded with more messages than men.

I never said that most women would put up with a guy who suffered from social anxiety. Yes, it's "easier" for women with social anxiety to date, but these women still have it harder than women who suffer from generic shyness and normally extroverted women.

 

[JamesSmith]

If you don't even have the empathy to understand why a girl with SA would avoid a bar, I'm guessing you barely have SA. More like severe shyness. It's called a disorder because it creates disorder in people's lives and limits their abilities.

I can go shopping. I can go out with a couple friends. I can go to school. I cannot go to a place where most of the people will be drinking and thinking about sex. That doesn't equate to "totally giving up".

I mentioned in a previous post that you don't have to go to bars to meet men. I'd also like to bring up the fact that it's prejudiced to think that most men at bars are drunk and thinking about sex. There aren't that many men that are animals like that, i for one am not one of those type of guys. There are different types of bars, some are crazier than others. The reason i mention bars is because that would be the best way to meet the highest number of men to give u more choices. I just wanted you to be open to trying new things because when something isn't working it's often the case that you need to try something new.

 

[JamesSmith]

I don't think random spontaneous meeting with strangers is the way to go is all. Not a logical approach imo. Hence, I don't think the archaic men must make the first move thing applies. Neither does expecting women to. It doesn't have to be that way. Unfortunately society is screwed up, and our SA doesn't help any of us out.

Well if you aren't into meeting strangers your options are going to be very low. If you haven't ever gone out with people you already know, what makes you think you're going to all the sudden start to go out with them? I'm all for having a small number of friends, but meeting a partner requires looking at many options, unless you aren't picky at all.

 

[Minty]

I mentioned in a previous post that you don't have to go to bars to meet men. I'd also like to bring up the fact that it's prejudiced to think that most men at bars are drunk and thinking about sex. There aren't that many men that are animals like that, i for one am not one of those type of guys. There are different types of bars, some are crazier than others. The reason i mention bars is because that would be the best way to meet the highest number of men to give u more choices. I just wanted you to be open to trying new things because when something isn't working it's often the case that you need to try something new.

I was implying that PEOPLE are thinking about those things. A good proportion of people at bars are. I don't think that's prejudiced because I don't think drinking and thinking about sex are bad things. I also don't think men and women are that different (at least in the things that matter).

Ironically, you're the one making that argument.



You're probably right in that I could meet someone at a bar, but maintaining a relationship with them is another matter. And that's what is more important to me. I know you're trying to give advice though; thank you.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Well if you aren't into meeting strangers your options are going to be very low.

She didn't say that she wasn't into meeting strangers, but that she wasn't into spontaneous random meetings with strangers as you would have in, for example, a bar.

Pookah is looking for someone with whom she shares things in common, which seems to be the best approach if what you're looking for is a sustainable long term relationship. I don't think you're likely to get that from meeting someone in a bar. To me, meeting women in bars is about short term encounters, usually culminating in sex. That's not Pookah's style at all, so the "go sit in a bar and guys will hit on you" advice isn't going to be very helpful to her.

If you haven't ever gone out with people you already know, what makes you think you're going to all the sudden start to go out with them? I'm all for having a small number of friends, but meeting a partner requires looking at many options, unless you aren't picky at all.

Meeting a partner usually requires some form of networking. Most people I know who are in relationships either met their partner through work, or through a network of friends. Both of these present obvious problems to people who suffer from SA.

 

[userremoved]

Even if you had some magical way to prove once and for all to everyone and beyond argument that being a guy is harder than being a girl, what does that get you? What will you gain from this?

I can answer that question Lord Cthulhu. I was gonna stay out of it, but I think the main reason this topic keeps surfacing is because basically a lot of the SA guys are saying they for once want to be asked out instead. Although we all know thats unrealistic so the debate is pointless. Besides even if you do get asked out, you still have to overcome the fear of that first date. You still have to be social enough to keep it going.

Yeah I'll admit that for girls, the more good looking they are the more likely they'll get approached, but putting on makeup, dressing sexy and putting yourself out where single men can see you still takes a measure of confidence. And for those girls that dont get attention, that doesn't mean you're unattractive. That means like most SA sufferers you're just too anxious to go into places where guys are gonna approach you and you don't dress the part. So I mean honestly we can't really say which is easier, we're just both expected to do different but still scary things. Guys pursue...and girls put themselves in a place to be pursued. Both scary for a social phobe.

 

[userremoved]

I'd also like to bring up the fact that it's prejudiced to think that most men at bars are drunk and thinking about sex.

Maybe I'm just an perverted animal then. Usually when I go to a bar I'm not thinking "Wow, I wonder how many friends I can make here tonight?" It's loud, people are drinking, the girls are wearing sexy outfits, it's kinda hard to avoid thinking about sex.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Maybe I'm just an perverted animal then. Usually when I go to a bar I'm not thinking "Wow, I wonder how many friends I can make here tonight?" It's loud, people are drinking, the girls are wearing sexy outfits, it's kinda hard to avoid thinking about sex.

Yes. You are a uniquely perverted beast-man. People never go to bars to drink, and most people are never thinking about sex. No sir.

I can answer that question Lord Cthulhu. I was gonna stay out of it, but I think the main reason this topic keeps surfacing is because basically a lot of the SA guys are saying they for once want to be asked out instead. Although we all know thats unrealistic so the debate is pointless. Besides even if you do get asked out, you still have to overcome the fear of that first date. You still have to be social enough to keep it going.

Truth. It would be nice if girls did all the work. It would also be nice I'd inherited fabulous wealth, looked like a model, and so on. And as you say, even if you're fortunate enough for the girl to make a move, that hardly solves all the problems if your brain doesn't work right.

I think the rest of the truth of why this keeps coming up is a bit more lame, though. I think a lot of guys are looking for confirmation that it isn't their fault that they don't have a girlfriend--it's women's fault, it's society's fault, etc. Feeling like a loser and that everything is your own fault is hard to deal with. In the end of course, fault is irrelevant anyway.

 

[Felgen]

Hehe thanks.

I suppose I have an extra thing, asperger's which makes me weirder than just the SA. I don't interact with other people in real life easily. If a guy does talk to me he loses interest real quick in the face of my quirks. I'm not a looker either. Attention I have gotten is bad attention from not well intentioned males. So no, I do not find being a female to be a perk.

You shouldn't give up hope just because of Asperger's. My paternal grandmother has it and married for the first time at age 37. The marriage lasted for nearly 50 years until my grandfather died.

 

[Tiercel]

It is hard to keep up the pretense of makeup and clothes to hide imperfections. In some ways it is a lie. If someone would only give me the time of day if I struggle with my frizzy hair, my weight, and coverup all the time....how is it worth it? There will be a time when I can't keep up.

It's currently 4:23 and cloudy as I'm typing this. I'll give you the time of day and the current weather, too. But I'm terrible with keeping things going, so that's probably about all you'll get. So forget all those superficial things you mentioned and keep typing. On second thought, you can see the time on the bottom-right of your screen and look out your own windows if you want to know the current state of the world. I guess I'm not as special as I was led to believe.

Back on topic, though. The last time a girl showed an interest in me was probably about 7 years ago at a blood drive. She seemed pretty friendly when I was lying on the table. Afterwards I saw her in the mart (next to where the blood drive was taking place), and was a bit surprised when she called me by my name. I said hello, and went back to talking to Mom. It wasn't until I got home that I figured things out with a mental "Oh, $#*%!"

And that's about as lucky as I've ever been in love. And if anything, I've only slithered further into my own little world over the years. It's gotten to the point where I'm much more comfortable with a guitar than a girl, and I have a nasty habit of avoiding the uncomfortable while yearning for the unattainable. And I wouldn't even say that I'm that good on the guitar.

But I am relieved to see that we didn't finally decide if men or women have a more difficult time while I was busy and unable to monitor the results as they came in.

 

[Pookah]

She didn't say that she wasn't into meeting strangers, but that she wasn't into spontaneous random meetings with strangers as you would have in, for example, a bar.

Pookah is looking for someone with whom she shares things in common, which seems to be the best approach if what you're looking for is a sustainable long term relationship. I don't think you're likely to get that from meeting someone in a bar. To me, meeting women in bars is about short term encounters, usually culminating in sex. That's not Pookah's style at all, so the "go sit in a bar and guys will hit on you" advice isn't going to be very helpful to her.



Meeting a partner usually requires some form of networking. Most people I know who are in relationships either met their partner through work, or through a network of friends. Both of these present obvious problems to people who suffer from SA.

Mah hero. I was gonna rep but REP IS GONE?!

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Mah hero. I was gonna rep but REP IS GONE?!

Yeah I noticed that rep seems to have vanished. Weird.

Still, being your hero is more than enough reward in itself. ::

 

[Felgen]

Too bad the rep. system is gone. Heck, I even enjoyed it when I got negative points because of my political views.

 

[vj288]

No more rep? That's probably for the best, as much as I did like getting rep.

 

[sorrow1]

I rarely do. Though I dont often go to bars. I dont know why, wish I did know. Dont even now if I am that attractive wish i knew the answer to that too.