Searching for validation....

[Luthien]

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I joined this forum was an attempt to feel heard and appreciated. I feel so different, so off from the rest of the world... It's sort of lonely. I have people that I love, but for some reason it's never enough! My self esteem is so wrapped up in what other people think of me, it's really bad. I am trying to change, but it keeps popping up.

I started thinking about it again because I realized that I was getting a bit sad that not many people were responding to my posts, threads or what have you. I posted a bunch of art on one thread and only one person said anything about it, and they didn't say much.

I feel a bit shirked by the community here, but then I tell my self how silly that is. Just because everyone isn't crawling all over each other to tell me how great my work or ideas are doesn't mean they don't care... I've spent most of my life trying to take care and listen to everyone in my life, and that's my problem. I really shouldn't expect anyone to be like I was, it wasn't healthy for me at all. I try to remind myself that there can be so many reasons for people doing what they do and it has very little to do with me. Maybe I just WANT everything to have to do with me. Maybe I want the world to revolve around me... Or maybe I'm just trying to fill the hole where my self-love should be and it's not really working...

 

[FOR REAL]

I was getting a bit sad that not many people were responding to my posts, threads or what have you.

aye, i know exactly what you mean, its a feeling of not wanted. i hate when people skip past posts. ive noticed it a lot in the "how are you feeling" forum.

i dont know if your new here or not, but i say just keep posting cause then what happens is that people then take notice of you

 

[userremoved]

I understand what you mean. I don't think I've quite learned to "self love' the way I should either. What sucks is the less validation you get the less love you feel for yourself and then you seek more outside validation. If its any consolation I'm impressed with any kind of artist, I still draw like I'm in elementary school.

 

[Shift]

I feel the same way, actually... And then I think about the fact that I don't really comment on other people's stuff very much, so I can't really expect other people to always say something about my posts.

 

[philly2bits]

It goes with the nature of the site that people will not always comment on posts. Many here would probably like to say something, but don't because of anxiety caused by thoughts of how there post will be taken. For some people, SA effects them the same as in person.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Luthien, I think we've all felt that at some point. Probably more than one point. I mostly comment on stuff that I can relate pretty well too, or if I think someone is hurting and I might could help, or when my spastic sense of humor tells me I should.

I understand what you mean. I don't think I've quite learned to "self love' the way I should either.

You're probably just using the wrong hand.



Case in point.

 

[FOR REAL]

It goes with the nature of the site that people will not always comment on posts. Many here would probably like to say something, but don't because of anxiety caused by thoughts of how there post will be taken. For some people, SA effects them the same as in person.

i agree with that philly. its just a pity that newbies have a hard time fitting in, cause it can be really daunting.
my first thread was a post i think, i messed it up as usual::

post away aye say

 

[diesel]

youre not the only one who feels like this im wrapped up in what other people think even thought i dont care ( if that makes any sense )

 

[Luthien]

Thanks everyone. I am new here and I assumed that it was similar for other people, but I just felt like I had to say it, and it helped. Saying it helped me to feel less stuck, and all your answers even more so.

I think one big problem for me is that sometimes, I really WANT conversation. I really want to write a post and get instant responses and go back and forth a bit. But I only want conversation once in a while. Most of the time I really prefer my solitude.

I spent all my adult life traveling the country and making quick friends and then never seeing them again. It's really hard for me to make new friends, now, because I am just so sick of explaining myself and who I am. I am so sick of the "getting to know you" period. I am so sick of small talk and all that crap. So when it comes to actually just talking to someone, it's just so annoying to talk about all the stuff that doesn't really matter just to "get to know them". That's why I like the idea of posting and talking about one topic, because then I can just discuss and argue or share, but I don't have to small talk or explain myself.

I just want to know people already, i guess. Or have it not matter because we're discussing something we have in common and it doesn't matter where I grew up or what have you. But I need to feel like there's no obligation to talk. Most of the time I feel like I have to talk to people, like they'll think I don't like them if I don't. And I think it's even worse on forums like this. I'm so terrified I might hurt someone's feelings or not be there when they really need a buddy... My urge to take care of people is more like a compulsion and so far I've only been able to stop it by cutting off contact with others. So sometimes I'm afraid of talking to others because I will compulsively try to fix them or make them happy...

I don't know, I love being alone and I want more of it, I'd prefer to be alone most of the time! But I'm also a super social and loquacious by nature. I just can't seem to find a balance between the two... I am just so confused, I don't know what I want.

 

[Da Kid]

It's completely understandable how u feel Luthien. Everybody wants to be acknowledged and have validation, have people understand and comment on what they are saying. But, in the world we live in (and even on here sometimes, thou this place is really friendly and accepting), we have to realize that nothing is owed to us. Sounds kinda rough, but it's true. It's people own preference whether they wanna comment on something, we can't just keep wishing that they would do as we want.

The best advice I can offer is that your craving for attention is likely so inner thing which is looking to be loved and revered. I would recommend filling this desire with self love cause that's the only love that is promised to you in life. You'll be happier with yourself and with other people, because your love for what you do will be more then enough, and what people add on by their own wills will be extra. Be happy with what u have, work for more, and don't have any regrets, cause lifes too short for regrets.

 

[shore_of_glass]

I'm on the same boat.
Craving atention and feeling stupid for obssessing over it.
Feeling great in my solitude although rotting inside because of it.

 

[xxaimsxx]

I feel the same. I kinda thought everyone on here would be allot more like me and i'd be accepted but everyones different arnt they?

Same in real life. I cant get on with day to day things because of it. I hate myself for wanting to be accepted and have someone notice me because its selfish.

 

[Eam]

Yep, I'm with you lot. I try to act nonchalant as best I can, but underneath I am needy by wanting to be accepted wherever possible.

I try my best not to come across that way though feeling I'd look like an utter dork.

 

[Luthien]

lol. My posts get glossed over all the time, and I'm pretty sure I have a knack for killing threads. Anyway, because I'm kind of self-conscious about that, I always try to quote or add onto what other people post, so those people know that at least one person read what they wrote.

BTW I think 99% of the posts on here don't get a direct response (but obviously doesn't mean people aren't reading). Like other people eluded to already, this place is like any other place online or in real life: there are established acquaintances and people that others are just comfortable interacting with, so I don't take it personally.

I read your posts whenever I see you, just because your name made me laugh and grabbed my attention!

That's the key, isn't it, not taking things personally and having self love. I know these things, but for some reason knowing just isn't the same. I'm not sure how to just DO IT. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to different "self-helpish" or spiritual books and things. My boyfriend listens to them, too and he's the type of person who just reads it and does it. He's like, "oh, that's a good idea to not take things personally, I'm gonna do that from now on!" and then he does. For me, I just don't get it. I need step by step instructions because my brain feels like it's filled with concrete. Changing how I think requires slowly chipping things away and then figuring out how to attach the new ideas and it's a slow and grueling process. I think my boyfriend's brain is made of wet clay, so it's easy to just alter what's in there without having to try very hard.

 

[coyote]

stunned again by the revelation that I'm not the only person feeling the way I'm feeling

that's why i guess i keep hanging out here

 

[market.garden]

Philly touched on it before about people sometimes being hesitant to post through anxiety. I think that hit the nail on the head.

Everyone on the forum is nice enough, but it sometimes takes time to "get to know" people on here, or any other forum.

 

[Eam]

Philly touched on it before about people sometimes being hesitant to post through anxiety. I think that hit the nail on the head.

Everyone on the forum is nice enough, but it sometimes takes time to "get to know" people on here, or any other forum.

Do people use the reputation system here? That's a way to let someone know you appreciate their post without having to post.

 

[Luthien]

I feel the same. I kinda thought everyone on here would be allot more like me and i'd be accepted but everyones different arnt they?

Same in real life. I cant get on with day to day things because of it. I hate myself for wanting to be accepted and have someone notice me because its selfish.

I don't think it's selfish, it's just a normal thing to want to be accepted. It's not selfish to want to be accepted or noticed, it's just what EVERYONE wants, only some people want it more than others and some feel like they NEED it.

For me I've found that I NEED other people's approval to feel good about myself, but the more I get, the more I "need". It's a vicious cycle because it's never enough. Plus a lot of times I don't believe them, or I forget all the good things people say and only remember the one bad thing one person said. It's all about self love, like others have said. I'm doing inner child stuff and I really feel like that's helping. Just playing the parent role to myself and saying that I'm good when I don't believe it... I think it's a good way to combat that insanely nasty voice that says evil, mean things to me all day long.

So really I want to tell you that I accept you and I noticed you and I think you're beautiful and wonderful! I know you love tea (so do I) and you're from Wales (I'm from the US) and I know you have hope that you'll get better and I believe that you will! As long as you believe you will and are working towards it, you'll get there. Maybe it'll take a long time, maybe it wont but you'll get there. Keep going because when you stop being afraid to be yourself people will be able to see who you really are and they will love you, accept you and notice you ♥

 

[Luthien]

It's completely understandable how u feel Luthien. Everybody wants to be acknowledged and have validation, have people understand and comment on what they are saying. But, in the world we live in (and even on here sometimes, thou this place is really friendly and accepting), we have to realize that nothing is owed to us. Sounds kinda rough, but it's true. It's people own preference whether they wanna comment on something, we can't just keep wishing that they would do as we want.

The best advice I can offer is that your craving for attention is likely so inner thing which is looking to be loved and revered. I would recommend filling this desire with self love cause that's the only love that is promised to you in life. You'll be happier with yourself and with other people, because your love for what you do will be more then enough, and what people add on by their own wills will be extra. Be happy with what u have, work for more, and don't have any regrets, cause lifes too short for regrets.

thanks, this is totally good advice (it's the advice I would give me) but it's not as easy as it sounds. I am totally working on it and it's going a lot better now that I'm doing this inner child therapy stuff, but it's a slow process.

You know, it really helped me just to post this thread. Just saying what was in my head got it out and now I'm not so stuck on it anymore.

 

[Anomaly]

A good number of times when typing up responses I just thought to myself, "Who gives a f***? How does that really contribute to the thread?" and I closed out the tab. Despite a lot of us here having a common characteristic, we're still with varied lives. I can rarely offer advice that's relevant. General comment-wise, it just depends on how much I'm multitasking and how tired I am. Sometimes it's just hard to say anything.