Searching for validation....

[Shift]

I read your posts whenever I see you, just because your name made me laugh and grabbed my attention!

That's the key, isn't it, not taking things personally and having self love. I know these things, but for some reason knowing just isn't the same. I'm not sure how to just DO IT. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to different "self-helpish" or spiritual books and things. My boyfriend listens to them, too and he's the type of person who just reads it and does it. He's like, "oh, that's a good idea to not take things personally, I'm gonna do that from now on!" and then he does. For me, I just don't get it. I need step by step instructions because my brain feels like it's filled with concrete. Changing how I think requires slowly chipping things away and then figuring out how to attach the new ideas and it's a slow and grueling process. I think my boyfriend's brain is made of wet clay, so it's easy to just alter what's in there without having to try very hard.

I had a conversation like this with my friend yesterday... He had been terribly depressed a couple years ago and then decided that wasn't what he wanted and he just stopped being depressed. I can't do that. I can't just decide that I want to be happy one day and then be happy. It's hard for me to change, even though I want to more than anything. I worry that he thinks I'm not getting better because I am not trying hard enough.

 

[Luthien]

A good number of times when typing up responses I just thought to myself, "Who gives a f***? How does that really contribute to the thread?" and I closed out the tab. Despite a lot of us here having a common characteristic, we're still with varied lives. I can rarely offer advice that's relevant. General comment-wise, it just depends on how much I'm multitasking and how tired I am. Sometimes it's just hard to say anything.

That's true, we are all very different, but you never know when your advice will be relevant. I understand the anxiety of commenting, but I think that what ever you have to say is valid, interesting and worth reading!

 

[Luthien]

I had a conversation like this with my friend yesterday... He had been terribly depressed a couple years ago and then decided that wasn't what he wanted and he just stopped being depressed. I can't do that. I can't just decide that I want to be happy one day and then be happy. It's hard for me to change, even though I want to more than anything. I worry that he thinks I'm not getting better because I am not trying hard enough.

well one of the things I'm working on is trying not to worry about things i have no control over, and to stop assuming I know what other people are thinking... I guess for people like me with cement brains, we just have to make little itty bitty steps forward, chipping away slowly, and resisting the urge to give up.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I think that what ever you have to say is valid, interesting and worth reading!

I've had enough contact with the smoking cat to know he's quite intelligent, and sometimes funny, too. So I usually read his posts.

 

[Anomaly]

That's true, we are all very different, but you never know when your advice will be relevant. I understand the anxiety of commenting, but I think that what ever you have to say is valid, interesting and worth reading!

I wouldn't say it's the anxiety of commenting. On some threads, I notice people type out long responses that cover all or most of what I would've said -- no point adding more. Sometimes I send a private message. A lot of times I just stay out as I can't possibly offer anything of use. OCD, extreme loneliness, bullying, and other topics are really outside of my realm. I know that there are other people here who have experience with that and can respond effectively and others are just good at consoling people.

I'll read, but I'll rarely respond -- the reading isn't always apparent without receiving (m)any comments.

 

[Shift]

well one of the things I'm working on is trying not to worry about things i have no control over, and to stop assuming I know what other people are thinking... I guess for people like me with cement brains, we just have to make little itty bitty steps forward, chipping away slowly, and resisting the urge to give up.

I need to work on those things too... Do you have any suggestions?

 

[Luthien]

I need to work on those things too... Do you have any suggestions?

all you can really do is try to remember. If you pay attention to your thoughts, then you can say to yourself, "no, i don't know what they're thinking!" or whatever. What's really helping me is the inner child stuff. Every day I write in my journal to this little me and she'll say things like "I want everyone to like me" and I can be the reasonable parent and say all the nice things to her that she needs to hear. For some reason, it's a lot harder to be nice to myself without the idea that there's this little kid in me. When I think about my issues and negative thoughts as coming from a child, I can say the sweet things I would say to a child because I'd never be as nasty to a little kid as I am to myself. I think that it helps, even if you don't believe it all the time, just saying those things or thinking them starts the re-wiring of your brain.

Just remember, all your negativity and nasty mean thoughts are LEARNED, they're habits. And trying to be nice to yourself can be harder than quitting smoking, but it's still possible. It just takes changing your habits and unlearning that which doesn't serve you.

 

[qwerty103]

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I joined this forum was an attempt to feel heard and appreciated.

I started thinking about it again because I realized that I was getting a bit sad that not many people were responding to my posts, threads or what have you. I posted a bunch of art on one thread and only one person said anything about it, and they didn't say much.

Or maybe I'm just trying to fill the hole where my self-love should be and it's not really working...

Well done Luthien.

Keep looking and you will finally find the root cause, I promise. Most people will probably never find it because of self-denial. So they do something that feeds and nourishes them.

But even if they use it for that purpose, it's simply one tiny pebble in the never ending river of time.

So keep looking. Finding it is the first step.

 

[Luthien]

Well done Luthien.

Keep looking and you will finally find the root cause, I promise. Most people will probably never find it because of self-denial. So they do something that feeds and nourishes them.

But even if they use it for that purpose, it's simply one tiny pebble in the never ending river of time.

So keep looking. Finding it is the first step.

Thanks I don't know if I could stop looking, even if I wanted to!

 

[Shift]

all you can really do is try to remember. If you pay attention to your thoughts, then you can say to yourself, "no, i don't know what they're thinking!" or whatever. What's really helping me is the inner child stuff. Every day I write in my journal to this little me and she'll say things like "I want everyone to like me" and I can be the reasonable parent and say all the nice things to her that she needs to hear. For some reason, it's a lot harder to be nice to myself without the idea that there's this little kid in me. When I think about my issues and negative thoughts as coming from a child, I can say the sweet things I would say to a child because I'd never be as nasty to a little kid as I am to myself. I think that it helps, even if you don't believe it all the time, just saying those things or thinking them starts the re-wiring of your brain.

Just remember, all your negativity and nasty mean thoughts are LEARNED, they're habits. And trying to be nice to yourself can be harder than quitting smoking, but it's still possible. It just takes changing your habits and unlearning that which doesn't serve you.

Thanks! I'll definitely try that and see if it helps me.

 

[xxaimsxx]

I don't think it's selfish, it's just a normal thing to want to be accepted. It's not selfish to want to be accepted or noticed, it's just what EVERYONE wants, only some people want it more than others and some feel like they NEED it.

For me I've found that I NEED other people's approval to feel good about myself, but the more I get, the more I "need". It's a vicious cycle because it's never enough. Plus a lot of times I don't believe them, or I forget all the good things people say and only remember the one bad thing one person said. It's all about self love, like others have said. I'm doing inner child stuff and I really feel like that's helping. Just playing the parent role to myself and saying that I'm good when I don't believe it... I think it's a good way to combat that insanely nasty voice that says evil, mean things to me all day long.

So really I want to tell you that I accept you and I noticed you and I think you're beautiful and wonderful! I know you love tea (so do I) and you're from Wales (I'm from the US) and I know you have hope that you'll get better and I believe that you will! As long as you believe you will and are working towards it, you'll get there. Maybe it'll take a long time, maybe it wont but you'll get there. Keep going because when you stop being afraid to be yourself people will be able to see who you really are and they will love you, accept you and notice you ♥

Lmao you like tea!
Thankyou

 

[M1tCh]

This is an excellent thread that's just brimming with interesting insights.

Thanks to all contributors.

Oingo Boingo.

 

[Luthien]

This is an excellent thread that's just brimming with interesting insights.

Thanks to all contributors.

Oingo Boingo.

Hooray for the Mystic Nights of the Oingo Boingo!

Never thought of it that way, as looking at yourself as 2 distinct identities: one that has SP and one that doesn't, one helpless and one that has the power to help the other. My therapist is trying to make me see my other self.

She says to me that I have 2 egos: one that is strong, cruel, and has high expectations, and the other one, that cant do what the ''boss'' says. So she said to me the solution is not to kill the helpless one, like I though, but to bring the 2 sides of me toghether and try to bring them to peace: one has to lower the expectation of the other, and the second one has to meet those expectations, thats when I have founded my true self.

And I have pretty much lost my true self cause in the last years I threw away all my principles, conceptions, my own ideeas, interests, my true self in the quest to be like the others and be accepted by them. Acting had been pretty much what I had done and at one point in my life I though that acting has changed my true self to be more like the others, and I though I was on the right track, but I was wrong...::

So now I have a quest to try to find peace between my 2 identities. Dunno if what I said had made any sense.

That made perfect sense to me! I've had the same sort of thing going on. Thankfully, you can never destroy the real you, and believe me, I've tried and come pretty close. It's so hard when you do that to distinguish between what is really you and what is just what you decided you should be.

I don't really know about the idea of having two egos, I look at it a bit differently. For me, there is only one ego. The ego is the part of you that tries to find a way to identify with the world and it's also the part that is cruel and awful. But that other part, the part that is beautiful and true, that is the REAL you. I don't think of it as another ego, I think of it as just a light inside myself, inside everyone. It's what we embodied as children, which is why nurturing it using the inner child stuff as a tool seems so applicable. I try to remember that my ego is constantly trying to figure out who I am using material things, like how many friends I have or how much art I make or how I dress. The ego isn't bad, it just shouldn't control your life. If you can witness it, realize it's there and watch what it's doing without judgment, then you can begin to see the other part of you. It's so hard, though. I'm no where near that point, there's far too much nasty judgment rolling around in my head. That's why the inner child work is so helpful to me right now. Just trying to change my ego's sense on my identity, so that it identifies with good things, rather than bad. So that my sense of self is wrapped up in what a good person I am. That's what I'm working towards.

I had a really hard time getting into this inner child stuff. It's taken months and months for me to really understand what the hell I'm supposed to do. But I feel like I've finally got a handle on it. I wrote all about how I came to understand it in my blog, if you'd like to check it out. Here's a link Little me Over Under

I hope that helps, but everyone is different and you may have to find your own way to that "ah-ha!" moment

 

[bigrob]

i agree with that philly. its just a pity that newbies have a hard time fitting in, cause it can be really daunting.
my first thread was a post i think, i messed it up as usual::

post away aye say

I only found this site 3-4 days ago and I think it's great! No one has made me feel anything less than welcome.

Even if no one responds to my postings I feel better knowing there are others out there that have the same issues I do. I was feeling really alone. My family couldn't understand how I feel and I find it hard to explain, but here I suddenly feel surrounded by my kindred.

 

[fudgy]

I think you have to be quite hard when entering cyber space re getting responses to posts ...

It happens a lot and I know many many people who take it to heart when they don't get a response , so that's perfectly normal. You have to learn to harden up and just crack on with what you want to say regardless !!


personally speaking sometimes I just like to read and can't be arsed to respond or am too stoned ...either way I enjoy reading everyones input and you should take on board that your pics will have been looked at and enjoyed but maybe other posters just couldn't think of an appropriate response.

Now...

can you all stop fecking ignoring me ..I am new here ::

 

[Dronee]

I think you have to be quite hard when entering cyber space re getting responses to posts ...

It happens a lot and I know many many people who take it to heart when they don't get a response , so that's perfectly normal. You have to learn to harden up and just crack on with what you want to say regardless !!


personally speaking sometimes I just like to read and can't be arsed to respond or am too stoned ...either way I enjoy reading everyones input and you should take on board that your pics will have been looked at and enjoyed but maybe other posters just couldn't think of an appropriate response.

Now...

can you all stop fecking ignoring me ..I am new here ::

Ma'am, yes Ma'am!

 

[fudgy]

Thats more like it

 

[Luthien]

I think you have to be quite hard when entering cyber space re getting responses to posts ...

It happens a lot and I know many many people who take it to heart when they don't get a response , so that's perfectly normal. You have to learn to harden up and just crack on with what you want to say regardless !!


personally speaking sometimes I just like to read and can't be arsed to respond or am too stoned ...either way I enjoy reading everyones input and you should take on board that your pics will have been looked at and enjoyed but maybe other posters just couldn't think of an appropriate response.

Now...

can you all stop fecking ignoring me ..I am new here ::

you're right, i know that. I do say what I want regardless, it's just in my nature. But what's not in my nature is to harden up... I'm more the soft and snuggly type. I want to not care, but it's hard. When I know I'm posting something controversial that might get a lot of nasty responses, I try not to go back and read the responses, because I either get angry or feel hurt. I try to just say my piece and hope it doesn't get skipped over, but I am also trying not to care so much whether or not I can "win people over" with my ideas.

Really I was just trying to feel like this site was a community and not just a place to spout your ideas and thoughts. It takes feedback and conversation for that. And I definitely feel a lot better about it since I started this thread.

 

[M1tCh]

Hooray for the Mystic Nights of the Oingo Boingo

Hurrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

[Luthien]

Danny Elfman is a genius >.<