People are dangerous!

[CeeJay1981]

The basic problem is that, as SA sufferers, we see almost everybody else as a threat. If not a physical threat then a threat to our ego.

Since we feel so low down on the social spectrum, anytime we are in the presence of someone more attractive, intelligent, outgoing or fun than we are in any given moment we feel inferior in comparison and we shut down.

The truth is that if we wanted to we could recieve the positive energy of our more open friend and align ourselves with it. We could use their more open state to infect us and lift us up to their level. This is easier said than done of course. All too often we close down and resist people who are more open than we are being. We critisize them as offensive, silly, childish or any number of other put downs if not out loud then internally to ourselves. We might say "That guy is such an idiot"

It is our RESISTANCE to other people that is our problem. In fact, resistance is the root cause of ALL problems but that is beyond the scope of this post.

So why do we do this?

Well, it all comes down to feeling safe. For whatever reason, we have been tramatized somewhere along the line with the effect of making us avoid parts of this energy spectrum. Perhaps we were told to "Be quiet" a lot by our parents which makes us contain and repress our energy when we feel like we want to express it.

Consequently, we tend to set our 'emotional thermostat' to a very limited part of this spectrum and feel uncomfortable if we move out of it.

So how do we get round this?

First we must become AWARE when we are closing down in the presence of others and consciously CHOOSE to open up. Perhaps we could laugh at a joke (even if it aint that funny), join in a conversation and add a bit of humour (even if we don't like the people involved) or maybe clown around a bit with someone who tends toward that kind of behavior naturally.

Whatever we do it is GOING to feel uncomfortable but the only way out is to break through those invisible barriers and keep doing so until it becomes easy. There is no other way to forge a personality to be proud of. Medication may help raise your emotional comfort zone but it will be temporary and may come at a cost (addiction,side effects)

Above everthing else we must learn to take 100% responsibilty for our lives. Check out my site to learn more

 

[misterF]

First we must become AWARE when we are closing down in the presence of others and consciously CHOOSE to open up. Perhaps we could laugh at a joke (even if it aint that funny), join in a conversation and add a bit of humour (even if we don't like the people involved) or maybe clown around a bit with someone who tends toward that kind of behavior naturally.

My therapist says the same thing, "Why don't you try and talk, you'll see that nothing bad actually happens." What people who don't have social anxiety don't understand is that for some of us, we're so uncomfortable that we panic and have nothing to say.
In my case it happens during group conversations, I'm ok one on one but if there are more than 2 people that are not my friends, it's like suddenly I've lost the ablity to talk.
The advice you're giving is to force ourselves to join in, if I have nothing to say what do I do, I'm not going to say random or stupid things, I don't want to become a Michael Scott like character.

 

[Nicholas]

My therapist says the same thing, "Why don't you try and talk, you'll see that nothing bad actually happens." What people who don't have social anxiety don't understand is that for some of us, we're so uncomfortable that we panic and have nothing to say.

And did you tell that to your therapist? You should have. And did he answer you with something that made sense? He should have.

 

[satstrn]

The man is right; he makes it sounds a lot easier than it is, but its true that there is no other way. It sounds like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to me (gradual exposure to social situations). Basically, the idea is that you start with very small social interactions; of course a person with SA won't be the life of a group conversation instantly. Im still pretty unable to participate in larger group conversations; but over the past couple of years I've become pretty decent at one on one conversations and even ones with 2 or 3 people as long as I know at least one of them. I started with asking people very basic questions about themselves and just showing interest (oh, for real? thats awesome! why is that? kinda thing). When you do this people naturally feel obligated to ask you similar questions. Its not all in what you say at first; especially with women, the main thing they notice is that you reached out and as a result they will see you as a nice/friendly person. Being the life of the party may never pan out for us SA sufferers, but knowing that you can talk to and be friendly with someone one on one is a great feeling.

 

[misterF]

And did you tell that to your therapist? You should have. And did he answer you with something that made sense? He should have.

I did tell her but can't remember what she said exactly. I don't blame her for not understanding though as it must be hard for people who talk easily to see why some of us can't.

The man is right; he makes it sounds a lot easier than it is, but its true that there is no other way. It sounds like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to me (gradual exposure to social situations). Basically, the idea is that you start with very small social interactions; of course a person with SA won't be the life of a group conversation instantly. Im still pretty unable to participate in larger group conversations; but over the past couple of years I've become pretty decent at one on one conversations and even ones with 2 or 3 people as long as I know at least one of them. I started with asking people very basic questions about themselves and just showing interest (oh, for real? thats awesome! why is that? kinda thing). When you do this people naturally feel obligated to ask you similar questions. Its not all in what you say at first; especially with women, the main thing they notice is that you reached out and as a result they will see you as a nice/friendly person. Being the life of the party may never pan out for us SA sufferers, but knowing that you can talk to and be friendly with someone one on one is a great feeling.

Yep, exposure has cured my OCD and made it possible for me to meet my girlfriend so I do agree with you that it can be the way forward for people with social anxiety.
The point I was trying to make in my first post was that you can't tell someone who has social anxiety to just force themselves to say something.
I think baby steps with realistic goals work better.
In my case, I started taking a language course in a small school and the first goal set by my therapist was to attend the class, that's it. No need to force myself to talk to someone, just be there and don't skip the classes. It took me a couple of weeks to stop being afraid to go there but it was well worth the effort. Second goal was to participate a bit during the classes, again it took some time and effort but it worked. Fast forward a couple of months and now I can talk with my classmates, one of them has even asked me to have lunch with him on Thursday. What helped me wasn't showing up on the first day and forcing myself to say something, it was getting used to the same group of people little by little and in the end talking to them became natural.

 

[Argamemnon]

My therapist says the same thing, "Why don't you try and talk, you'll see that nothing bad actually happens." What people who don't have social anxiety don't understand is that for some of us, we're so uncomfortable that we panic and have nothing to say.

Moreover, if we force ourselves to say something, our voice becomes shaky, or we talk very fast etc.. And when we see other people's negative reactions we feel very bad about it. That's what always happens when I "force" myself to talk. It doesn't work at all for me...

 

[satstrn]

Moreover, if we force ourselves to say something, our voice becomes shaky, or we talk very fast etc.. And when we see other people's negative reactions we feel very bad about it. That's what always happens when I "force" myself to talk. It doesn't work at all for me...

What also works is to picture how a conversation MIGHT go if you were to say something. For example, if a cute girl got in line behind you at the grocery store you would most likely do what I do: stand there and say nothing. AFTER the fact, though, you can take some time to think, "what woulda been a good thing to say?" You could say, "damn you really shouldn't be drinking all that soda" or "nice, I like the healthy choices your'e making" lol or something like that. In this way you aren't put on the spot and you can come up with good conversation ideas. Eventually, you'll have thought up enough ideas that you can begin putting them to use

 

[Argamemnon]

You could say, "damn you really shouldn't be drinking all that soda" or "nice, I like the healthy choices your'e making" lol

I never say "lol" in real social situations, lol.

 

[satstrn]

Whatever dude you get the point!

 

[Nicholas]

I did tell her but can't remember what she said exactly. I don't blame her for not understanding though as it must be hard for people who talk easily to see why some of us can't.

Then I am sorry but if she is a therapist and can't understand or give support for these basic things, then she should change job... Psychotherapists must be empathetic and must be able to understand a lot of different situations. They must come up with sensible solutions, and they must be able to convince the patient. Yeah, it's sad to think that the only reason why CBT doesn't often work well is that there are just too many bad therapists. Ok, I'm done with my rant.

 

[sorrow1]

well i used to have really bad sa in high school that made me freeze in social situations where i wanted to speak but could not. The anxiety that came from feeling inferior consumed all my thoughts and controlled my mind so i could not be myself. I think it hindered my social skills from a young age.

Though over the years i listened to other people who told me to just get out there and do it and so I forced myself to open up only to find myself shot down because I already had a reputation for being quiet and in most peoples eyes unimportant. Everytime I would make an effort to converse people would talk over me or ignore me. When in a group no-one would make eye contact with me and when speaking would direct their conv to someone else, so i felt that i wasnt part of the conversation and that no-one wanted my opinion. This happened through my school years and sometimes at uni.

Having severe sa in the past has put me in the background which has allowed me the chance to observe people and society from a distance. Society is so destructive. all people seem to do is hate. Everyday all i hear about is people talking endlessly about themselves or bitching constantly about other people. Why would you want to be part of that. it all seems so pointless and full of bullshit.
I think maybe we have this condition because nature is unhappy with the way hmanity is going and has given us this fear to better understand our lives and whats wrong with the world.

In this sense sa has helped me accept and understand my true self so that I now dont care what people think of me. I came to realise that the people who put you down are just ignorant with a lack of understanding and are not worth feeling bad about.
trying to fit in or putting on an act to fit in is not gonna make you happy you just gotta try and accept yourself for who you are and then hopefully other people will accept you for who you are otherwise its not worth it.

 

[CeeJay1981]

Great advice satstrn!

The point is to figure out where your comfort zone is and lean sightly into it. If you are an agoraphobic then just approaching your front door might be a challenge. The key is to acknowledge where you are and keep moving forward step by step always measuring your progress from where you started instead of some over ambitious future ideal.

There is a tool which makes all this MUCH easier. Check out the link at the bottom of my webpage for more info

Take it easy guys

 

[satstrn]

Yes, very true, DO NOT compare yourself to where you THINK you should be. This has been the hardest part of SA for me. Asking yourself why you aren't where some other people are is extremely detrimental to your progress. For me, it is always asking "why am I such a failure with girls? all these other guys seem to have it down..." While I still struggle with this, the key is to avoid thinking I SHOULD be successful in this area and promote thinking first that I WANT to be successful in this area and next that I CAN be successful in this area if I try hard enough. Cuz we all (well, MOST of us) can totally turn it around, it just takes an assload of time/work (and DESIRE to work) and trial/error. Most of us are nice, respectful, caring people who just want to share our positive qualities with the world; almost none of us are mean or disrespectful people, meaning that if we can just learn to express ourselves a little better and reach out a bit more we have immense potential for success. Always keep the positive qualities in mind, and yes, not being a di**head is a HUGELY positive quality that I think most of us with SA tend to forget or disregard.

 

[BlackKids]

the key is to avoid thinking I SHOULD be successful in this area and promote thinking first that I WANT to be successful in this area and next that I CAN be successful in this area if I try hard enough. Cuz we all (well, MOST of us) can totally turn it around, it just takes an assload of time/work (and DESIRE to work) and trial/error. Most of us are nice, respectful, caring people who just want to share our positive qualities with the world; almost none of us are mean or disrespectful people, meaning that if we can just learn to express ourselves a little better and reach out a bit more we have immense potential for success. Always keep the positive qualities in mind, and yes, not being a di**head is a HUGELY positive quality that I think most of us with SA tend to forget or disregard.

Couldnt of put it better myself. Beating/accepting anxiety takes alot of work. I've been working my arse of all summer and although some people might think I've only come a small distance. I feel I've come on in leap and bounds

 

[FOR REAL]

Great advice satstrn!

The point is to figure out where your comfort zone is and lean sightly into it. If you are an agoraphobic then just approaching your front door might be a challenge. The key is to acknowledge where you are and keep moving forward step by step always measuring your progress from where you started instead of some over ambitious future ideal.

There is a tool which makes all this MUCH easier. Check out the link at the bottom of my webpage for more info

Take it easy guys