The question "how are you"

[Rise Against]

For some reason i can't go up to someone face to face and say "how are you" or " hey, whats up" or anything like that. I find it much easier to start conversations by asking questions like "how did you do at the track meet" or "are you looking forward to the weekend." I guess its not that big of a deal but I don't understand why I can't force myself to ask these simple conversation starters. Anyone else have this problem?

 

[Carol]

What's wrong with asking those questions instead? You don't have to say "how are you." The questions you ask sound more interesting anyway. "How are you" is such a common question, people take it the same as saying "hi" and usually won't respond with more than "fine" or some other one-word answer that won't tell you much about their lives. I think that asking other questions is better.

 

[lurknomore]

I never really thought about it- but I don't think I ever ask people that question- except maybe when they've asked me and I force myself to say "Fine. And you?"
This thread kind of reminds of the one on here about saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes- some people find it kind of pointless or feel silly saying it. I mean, I say it, but more as courtesy but not really thinking about the meaning behind it.
But I agree with Carol, I think asking more specific questions is better- more likely to get a conversation going (if that's what you want).

 

[hippiechild]

Do you feel like it wouldn't suit the self that people perceive? Maybe you feel like the casual conversation starters like "what's up" would sound awkward and out of place coming from yourself. I know that I might feel that way about certain phrases.

I definitely have trouble with saying certain words or phrases. Sometimes it's because I don't feel natural while saying them or because I've had bad experiences while saying them before.

anyway, your conversation starters sound much better than the nondescript conversations starters like "what's up." Asking something that specifically applies to the other person shows that you are genuinely interested. Most people's "questions" are just greetings that feign interest in other people's lives.

 

[SickJoke]

For some reason i can't go up to someone face to face and say "how are you" or " hey, whats up" or anything like that. I find it much easier to start conversations by asking questions like "how did you do at the track meet" or "are you looking forward to the weekend." I guess its not that big of a deal but I don't understand why I can't force myself to ask these simple conversation starters. Anyone else have this problem?

It could be a defense mechanism. Having a specific question for them gives you a reason (or an excuse) to approach them: you're looking for an answer to something. Whereas if you just said "hey what's up" it comes across that you just want to talk to them, which leaves open the opportunity to get rejected.

 

[Rise Against]

It could be a defense mechanism. Having a specific question for them gives you a reason (or an excuse) to approach them: you're looking for an answer to something. Whereas if you just said "hey what's up" it comes across that you just want to talk to them, which leaves open the opportunity to get rejected.

I think your exactly right.

 

[SickJoke]

I think your exactly right.

Awesome, we're figuring some things out. Now you can decide what you want to do about it, if anything. You could try approaching someone with a simple "Hey, what's up?" It's all about stepping outside your comfort zone and making progress. Stay strong!

 

[madmike]

The problem with your questions is that they don't leave room for the person to disclose anything else about them, some other interesting thing that would lead to a more natural conversation. I'll usually greet people with 'hi, how are you?' and wait a few seconds to see if they have anything to say, before moving on and trying something more specific. Usually people will just say 'fine, not too bad, good' and so on, but sometimes they'll say 'fantastic, great' or 'shit, not so good' and then they'll explain why. You can always use your other questions later on...

And don't worry about rejection, some people won't react the way you want them to and you can't hold yourself responsible for it, just keep your head up and smile!

 

[Rise Against]

The problem with your questions is that they don't leave room for the person to disclose anything else about them, some other interesting thing that would lead to a more natural conversation. I'll usually greet people with 'hi, how are you?' and wait a few seconds to see if they have anything to say, before moving on and trying something more specific. Usually people will just say 'fine, not too bad, good' and so on, but sometimes they'll say 'fantastic, great' or 'shit, not so good' and then they'll explain why. You can always use your other questions later on...

And don't worry about rejection, some people won't react the way you want them to and you can't hold yourself responsible for it, just keep your head up and smile!

Thanks for the advice

 

[Errordotocx]

Initiating conversations are usually the hardest part for me. I'm really unsure cause it's just a few simple words you have to say. Other than that I usually can keep the conversation going as long as i've got enough to talk about...though things can become awkward sometimes when neither one of us have something to continue on with the conversation about and it's like....yup....yeah....so i've gotta go cya later.