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Old 01-26-2017
chibiXphantom's Avatar
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I'm being faced with an extremely difficult decision...

I'm in an ... ambiguous relationship going on two years. I love him a lot. I moved with him to another state when he got a job there. Now he wants to leave the country for a job. In order for me to go with him, we'd have to get married. And not some nice romantic wedding and marriage. Just a legal one. We'd still be just "friends", but ones that happen to be married so we can live together (Risk jail and deportation if we lived together and weren't married) Every girl's dream, right? *sigh*

I kind of want to go with him. It would be fun to go to another country, though terrifying, as I've never done that before. Major culture shock, I'm sure. Financially a good choice. Though the process of moving to a new country is overwhelming to me, topped with the whole marriage thing ... The city is beautiful and fun looking, but has a climate that would make me never want to leave the air-conditioning. I get sick in the heat very easily, and get skin problems with high temperatures and hot sun. I find sub-zero temperatures more tolerable than hot and humid weather. Cities scare me. I'm used to tiny towns and living in the woods. I'd be going from a town of under 400 people to a major city... My family would definitely not approve of me going. Sure, travelling could be fun, but following him around the world, never staying in any place long enough to really make any ties anywhere ... I'm not sure I want that.

Staying behind is a depressing thought. He's my best friend, and after living with him and being around him so much, it'll be so hard to see him go... We'd be back to Skype messages and poor-quality video chats. I'd be back to living with my old roommate, who I dislike, unless I move. I'd probably go back to college, try to make friends, work towards a career in something. Though sounds boring, especially knowing my best friend is travelling the world and adventuring.

so it's either:
adventure, ambiguous relationship, companionship, some chaos
or
education, career, self-reliance, some stability

idk what to do
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Old 01-26-2017
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Can I ask what country and city you are considering moving too?

That in itself would have a major bearing on my choices.
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Old 01-26-2017
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Can I ask what country and city you are considering moving too?

That in itself would have a major bearing on my choices.
Dubai
I've been reading up on it a lot.
Mixed feelings
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Old 01-26-2017
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If you were to go, wouldn't you have trouble later on when the time comes to utilize the education you'd get if you were to stay? That's worth considering.

Staying and working on your education and career seems the safe and most sensible choice. Then again, not a lot of people would get such an opportunity, and it would definitely be something that shapes you as a person, and something you'll think back to later in life.

Of course, you'll have to wager and see what choice is ultimately best for you, but it does seem like a rare and valuable opportunity.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Ah Dubai.. Rich people, hot weather..

From what I understand, women aren't treated as equals to men over there?
I'm not fully certain of this, I may be mistaking Dubai for another country. But I'd at least look into this first.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Sounds like a nightmare to me. Weather: no. Culture: no. Logistics: no.
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Old 01-27-2017
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some opportunities only knock once ...other opportunities knock multiple times .



I learned that the hard way...now a portion of my heart is missing...not literally of course.. but yeah anyway, thats another story.




if college and career is something you can postpone till later then maybe you should take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity...college classes will still be waiting for you later on but your youth won't.......

you can always catch a flight back home if it doesnt work out , I suppose.


damn that was difficult to type....I guess because i myself have missed out on more than a few "once in a lifetime" opportunities...mainly out of fear and indecision. ....and the regret of it all is something that still hurts to this day.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chibiXphantom View Post
(Risk jail and deportation if we lived together and weren't married)
I read this and my answer became an uncontestable "hell no".
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Old 01-27-2017
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I guess you have to weigh up the pro's and cons, the risks and potential consequences.

Is Dubai somewhere that you'd actually like to go and live?

Also, it doesn't make sense to me to marry someone so you can travel as friends and gain access to another country. I see it being full of potential issues.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Originally Posted by AtTheGates View Post
damn that was difficult to type....I guess because i myself have missed out on more than a few "once in a lifetime" opportunities...mainly out of fear and indecision. ....and the regret of it all is something that still hurts to this day.
i'm sorry to hear that =[
but there will be new opportunities in the future for you, i'm sure
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Old 01-27-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
I guess you have to weigh up the pro's and cons, the risks and potential consequences.

Is Dubai somewhere that you'd actually like to go and live?

Also, it doesn't make sense to me to marry someone so you can travel as friends and gain access to another country. I see it being full of potential issues.
i don't really want to go there. maybe for a vacation or something, but not to live. the values that govern the country aren't particularly ones that i support. it is a lot more "liberal" than other places, but it's still quite conservative. the internet is censored, women are treated differently (though not to an extreme level), public displays of affection are illegal.

he was considering going to japan, and i was really hoping he'd go for that instead... i've dreamed of going to japan since i was little.

i'm leaning towards just staying behind...
maybe do some traveling on my own, go to college. i can get enough grants and aid now that i wouldnt need to take out loans...

sad decision either way though...
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Old 01-27-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chibiXphantom View Post
i don't really want to go there. maybe for a vacation or something, but not to live. the values that govern the country aren't particularly ones that i support. it is a lot more "liberal" than other places, but it's still quite conservative. the internet is censored, women are treated differently (though not to an extreme level), public displays of affection are illegal.

he was considering going to japan, and i was really hoping he'd go for that instead... i've dreamed of going to japan since i was little.

i'm leaning towards just staying behind...
maybe do some traveling on my own, go to college. i can get enough grants and aid now that i wouldnt need to take out loans...

sad decision either way though...
Yes I will visit Japan one day too! They have a very respectful culture.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Yes I will visit Japan one day too! They have a very respectful culture.
indeed. a girl i knew in high school went there a few months ago, and i'm so jealous lol.
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Old 01-28-2017
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I don't want to sound paranoid, but the fact that you said "ambiguous relationship", that you mention you love him, that it looks like you have to sacrifice a lot to be with him, and that he is asking you this huge and risky commitment of marrying him so that he can achieve whatever he wants to achieve, makes me wonder if you're dealing with a sociopath.
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Old 01-28-2017
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I don't want to sound paranoid, but the fact that you said "ambiguous relationship", that you mention you love him, that it looks like you have to sacrifice a lot to be with him, and that he is asking you this huge and risky commitment of marrying him so that he can achieve whatever he wants to achieve, makes me wonder if you're dealing with a sociopath.
ehh, he just more has a deep dislike for the whole concepts of labeling relationships and marriage, and is also polyamourus. he does love me back. he doesn't understand why people would want to be monogamous, and humans aren't monogamous by nature, and that it's a societal thing. that we're just "brainwashed" through things like religion, books, and other media into thinking that marriage is what we have to do in life. He thinks that labels and marriage ruin relationships by making people comply to certain standards.

i think that's all kind of dumb, and i've known how he felt from the beginning. i'm honestly surprised he even suggested getting married. but it would be more of a fake temporary marriage. not like married forever.

i say ambiguious relationship because while my relationship with him resembles a normal happy monogamous relationship, he hates labels. he did ask me if labels are really important to me, but i told him we didnt need a label, because i know he doenst like that stuff. he sees other girls sometimes, and he says i can see other guys if i want to as well, but it just feels weird when i have.

i personally like monogamy and realtionships, but i've found staying with him to be mutually beneficial for now.

as for sociopath... i'm not sure if he's truly a sociopath. his friends tease him about being one, but i dont know if he technically is. he may be less emotional and a bit charismatic and persuasive, but i dont think that makes him a sociopath. i'm the clingy one who left everything at home behind to move away with him after i hinted at it a few times. (he left by himself the first time).
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Old 01-29-2017
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You sound way too hesitant to go through with this. It's not a decision to be taken lightly. My personal experience in life has been that if you're having doubts about something, it's for a reason. Trust your gut. And I don't suggest anyone get married for the wrong reasons. I get the impression he's selfish and controlling for wanting to drag you around the world without this being a mutual decision. And it sounds like you're not entirely comfortable with an open (ok, "ambiguous") relationship, in which case he's not being fair to you. Based on what you've described, I don't think the two of you are even close to being on the same page. This does not sound like a guy worth chasing after or fighting for. I think you'll regret it if you go. If two people are going to get married, their lives have to mesh well. It's not just about love and compatibility. Ultimately, if you want wildly different things in life, it isn't likely to work out becase there may not be a compromise.

I'm going to tell you about a friend I once had. I live in Canada and so did she at one time. During high school, she had an American boyfriend whom she met online. I guess it was serious...or as serious as you can get over the internet as a teenager. After turning 18, he wanted to to join the US Army. The only way she could live with him, would be if they got married. So they did. They actually hadn't spent a whole lot of time together in person before that - like, met a handful of times. They were too young and made the choice to get married for the wrong reasons, without even knowing what life would be like together. Needless to say, that marriage did not work out. They were divorced within a few years.
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Old 01-30-2017
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You sound way too hesitant to go through with this. It's not a decision to be taken lightly. My personal experience in life has been that if you're having doubts about something, it's for a reason. Trust your gut. And I don't suggest anyone get married for the wrong reasons. I get the impression he's selfish and controlling for wanting to drag you around the world without this being a mutual decision. And it sounds like you're not entirely comfortable with an open (ok, "ambiguous") relationship, in which case he's not being fair to you. Based on what you've described, I don't think the two of you are even close to being on the same page. This does not sound like a guy worth chasing after or fighting for. I think you'll regret it if you go. If two people are going to get married, their lives have to mesh well. It's not just about love and compatibility. Ultimately, if you want wildly different things in life, it isn't likely to work out becase there may not be a compromise.
he's not controlling. there's no ultimatum, pressure, manipulation, or anything like that. he won't make me go if i don't want to. the "marriage" was just a suggestion because i expressed fears about the laws of the country. he's not pressuring me into it. in fact, he only briefly mentioned it once. by no means do we have to, and it wouldnt be like a serious marriage.

things won't change between us if i stay behind. it's just 2 years anyways and he'll be back in the summers. we'll just skype, chat, and talk on the phone as usuall. i missed him a lot when he left for his first job, and i asked if i could come with him the second year. HE was actually hesitant about it (worried about friends, family, the isolation, work, happines, etc.). it turned out great, though. he's wonderful to live with, it's been a great experience, i've been able to save money, and i've been lot happier overall.

as far as our "relationship" goes, i've known from the very beginning how he felt. when i first told him i had feelings for him, he said he didnt date, didnt want to ever marry, be tied down, and wasn't monogamous. he said that over and over and made sure i was okay with it. i dont totally like it, but i'm not going to try to change that. it's who he is. if i stay with him despite that, that's on me, not him. he's a wonderful, sweet, respectful, and great guy, and the best friend i've ever had.

i use the term ambiguous because we change our relationship status based on the company. where we live now, we refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, because it's a conservative area, and also neither of us will be dating anyone else here. to his friends it's an open relationship. to my friends, i just say "we're not dating, but we're not NOT dating". to his family, we're just friends. to my family, well, they thought he was gay at first. then as time when on, i tried to convince them we're just friends, but they refer to him as my boyfriend regardless of my protests. to aquaintances, we're just friends. it's complicated.
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Old 01-30-2017
 

My answer is no. You mentioned that personally you dont want to go to Dubai and you prefer a monogamous relationship. What I see here is you're gradually losing yourself by being blinded to your strong feelings for him. Girl, you are young and you should prioritize yourself more. What you're gonna do is a big sacrifice in exchange to something doubtful. I'm telling you, dont go. Stay where you are and be wiser.
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Old 01-30-2017
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I've learned that your comfort zone is never really a comfort zone because you're not truly comfortable. However, and given how much of a change that is, be careful of what you decide. Don't go with him just because you'd feel lonely if you didn't. If you believe there's a huge risk of you being unhappy, don't go.
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Old 01-31-2017
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So basically you're planning to illegally marry a sociopath and follow him in a country where women have no right and you can go to jail or worst for adultery or having unpopular opinions. Good luck while you jump off that cliff, it was a pleasure meeting you.

Seriously don't go, just don't.

By the way you don't have to follow a sociopath somewhere you don't want to go to have some adventure. You can choose your own and go by yourself.
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