Your childhood

Zaki

Well-known member
#21
I'm really sorry to hear about your negative experiences, guys.

I was teased a lot as a kid, through elementary and middle school. I had a really, really tough time in middle school. Friends turned their backs on me. I didn't go to school at times simply to avoid being picked on by other students. I remember having suicidal thoughts in the seventh grade. And the eighth. Also, things at home were pretty dysfunctional. There was a lot of yelling. There was abuse. I was constantly walking on eggshells. It got to the point where my father took me away from my mother's house to stay with him for a while because he was afraid for my safety. I was quiet, shy, awkward, and highly sensitive as a kid. I'm still that way now, in my twenties. I don't feel like a real adult.
 
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#22
Friends turned their backs on me. I didn't go to school at times simply to avoid being picked on by other students.
I did that as well, never actually said that was the reason, though. Ah would try an' fake not feelin' well... :giggle:

I was quiet, shy, awkward, and highly sensitive as a kid. I'm still that way now, in my twenties. I don't feel like a real adult.
Same here.
 
#24
That's awsome, you have Grounds Keeper Willie for your profile pic, never noticed that before
Aye, eh... Ah recently decided to change ma avatar to a slightly better point of reference. :bigsmile:

Withoot losin' the Scottish Saltire flag entirely - or resorting to a clichéd Braveheart reference.

Ah only made a wee mentioned that in ma own thread on here. Since ah didnae want to draw attention to it - since ma writin' in Scots dialect is bad enough. :giggle: Anyway, sorry for gettin' off topic there, folk. Just, y'know... Since ye mentioned it.
 
#25
Brief introduction since this is my first post: My name is Zach, I am twenty four years old, and I am from Ohio. I have AVPD, and joined to get to know others with it, how they cope with it, and hopefully better myself as a person through self-examination and learning. While some wouldn’t view AVPD as something they enjoy, and I don’t as well at times, I am also accepting of it, along with the benefits it does allow me to enjoy. But more some other time, about my childhood….

I grew up in a prototypical home in my mind growing up at the time, as most kids probably feel since they have no other experiences to compare it to. My mom and dad were married; they also separated once when I was four (dad had cheated) and lived with my grandma for about a year. We moved quite a bit when I was younger apartment to apartment due to my father’s inability to hold a steady job while my mother went to college and worked full-time as well. That meant new schools from about pre-school to 3rd grade. I can’t remember necessarily how I coped with the new atmospheres but I typically had no problem making friends and being sociable.

When I was thirteen, my parents began yelling/arguing more frequently with each other. Not in front of my sister and I, but behind bedroom doors. Everything was private in our homes; very rarely did I see or see affection or hear terms of endearment from my parents. Though I thought this is was couples do, they get into arguments, though I didn’t want my friends to come over anymore because you never knew when it would happen next. Up until this point I had never seen my father drink alcohol (he was 13 years sober, had made a commitment to get clean when he had me), but he began drinking, and coming home drunk which scared me to death. My mother sat me down when I was thirteen and said that she and my dad were getting a divorce. I took the news really hard the first time. I locked myself in my room, didn’t want to come out to dinner, had it brought to my room. I felt like the world was caving in on me. I cried myself to sleep many nights and said a lot of prayers. They decided to make it work for me and my sister, but it got worse and worse, and I started to see the writing on the wall. When I was fourteen my mother sat me down and told me that her and my dad were getting a divorce (he had cheated again, started doing drugs and abusing alcohol), and I had accepted it.

As my father’s abuse went deeper and deeper, and his situation began to look grim, my mother thought it would be good for me to go to counseling because I wasn’t “acting like myself,” wasn’t communicating with anyone, and was becoming angrier and more isolated in my room playing video games. I didn’t seem to care emotionally the second time around (I felt like I had dealt with it and coped with news the first time). Counseling was a failure. I didn’t say a word to the counselor at all. He would ask me if I wanted to talk about anything and I would say “no, I’m fine.” This lasted four or five sessions until my mother stopped taking me. He told me that I needed to prepare for my life without my father because his addictions and personality (he had came to one session) was the worse he had seen. He was right; I haven’t seen my father since I was 14, though today I think it was for the best.

High school was rough. I became a loner my freshman and sophomore year. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or go anywhere. It was school and video games those couple years, where I only talked to people online. I think this is where some bad habits formed, because I found myself maintaining relationships at my convenience and on my terms. I also began despising people who drank or did drugs which what else do dumb kids do in high school, so that gave me a good reason to shut a lot of people out at the time. I had a void, I was lonely, and felt unloved so I started looking for it in the wrong places. I began losing who I was to fit in with the “popular crowd” my junior and senior years up until I was twenty. I began having sex frequently with girls hoping to fill that void only to have it last temporarily. I began drinking heavily and experimenting with pot. Though my wakeup call was when I thought I had got an STD, and fortunately I had not. My mother told me, “You must have some good guardian angels” and after that I realized my life needed to change.

My father looking back had a lot of demons. He too came from a broken home (father was an abusive alcoholic), and their relationship was strained. I believe he had social anxiety and AVPD as well. He wasn’t really involved a whole lot, my grandpa was there for me more than he was at school events and sporting events. He was very consumed with himself and his interests and never really had time for mine. If I asked him if he wanted to go do something he was always busy or next time. Next time was always next time. He was notorious for taking my allowance for supporting his habit. I couldn’t depend on him, there were many times he forgot to pick me up from practice and I had to walk to my aunt’s house embarrassed, so I think I began to only rely on myself due to these short comings of my father.

From my childhood I can see why I am so detached, can’t form healthy relationships, an independent person, isolated, avoid. I find myself acting and going through the motions a lot. Sometimes even with my future wife though I won’t ever tell her. I know what I am supposed to say, do, or feel, but sometimes it just isn’t there, though I sure feel the pain of the thought of ever losing her (abandonment).

Since I have stopped drinking/drugs, been 4 years sober and I am going into law enforcement (academy in October). I have fortunately been able to identify how my life was going down my father’s path, and began to rewrite it though there have been side effects and my AVPD is one of them. I am soon to be married to a great woman of four years (she met me at my lowest point, and she is a nurturer personality so we mesh well), and hope to improve and stay true to myself at the same time. I see myself in a lot of things you all write, and look forward to getting to know/learning/helping each other! Sorry if I bored you, but I’ve learned really trying to remember your childhood (my brain tries to erase memories of my past) really helps you identify why you are the way that you are, and it helps you to be aware and try to tackle it (but we all know identifying and executing are two different things!!!!)
:giggle:
 
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