You want to know how to change your social anxiety / phobia?

[Alexp]

Are you the type of person that many times is terrified to say something out of fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing around other people? You kinda know what to say, but too afraid to say it?

If so, this is specifically for you.

You want to know how to get better and lose the anxiety and fear? This isn’t some obscure technique; it’s the core reasoning behind it all and essentially the most (and only) direct way to change social anxiety.

Understand what exactly is social anxiety first – Social anxiety is your body telling yourself that you need to be VERY careful in a social situation. Notice how when you walk into a room of people, you will notice everything that is going on..you will pick up on vibes and emotions that other people have no clue. It’s a heightened state designed to protect yourself from making a mistake or looking foolish. Social Anxiety is not a flaw in itself…its your mind trying to help you out based on your own perceptions and past pain.

What causes the social anxiety then? Its the reinforced pain. After that party, when you go home and beat yourself up for saying the wrong thing or doing something stupid or not being perfect…(sound familiar?) you are reinforcing the anxiety for next time…you are telling yourself that you need to be even more careful next time.

Stop beating yourself up every time and you will stop reinforcing the need for anxiety and you will become more and more outgoing.

Its not quite that simple though, because its very hard to just stop beating yourself up…you have to go just one step further and see WHY you are beating yourself up.

The reason is almost always the same as well. You expect too much from yourself. Many of us expect social perfection or at least we want to make no social mistakes. We want so badly never to be seen as stupid or foolish, so we expect social perfection which leads to us beating ourselves up after every social interaction which then in turn leads to massive amounts of anxiety.

Its rather simple when you think about it. Allow yourself social MISTAKES and imperfection. Change your perception. Tell yourself that you are going to make mistakes..its natural..but its nothing to worry about and then stop the pain of beating yourself up when you do make a mistake. You will stop reinforcing the pain that leads to anxiety. I will assure you right now you will see results straight away once you stop the self correction and it only gets better the longer you can work this strategy. Note that some anxiety is okay, it’s a way to keep us on our toes…but you need to find a better balance if its causing so much social pain and frustration.

Its as simple as changing your perception..if you need motivation, tell yourself that soon enough you will be more calm and more outgoing and happier (even though you may not always be seen as perfect). Truly believe that its okay to make mistakes or be socially imperfect and you will see your anxiety go down. It’s the simple tradeoff in your mind..you have to allow for mistakes and imperfection in order to have less anxiety.

Would love any feedback. We’ve been working on anxiety and depression models for years now with some incredible results. Hope some of this can help you in some way.

EDIT: My bad, I took away the differentiation. I said it wrong and didnt mean to try to classify people as being only one of two things with social anxiety.

 

[cLavain]

Only two types of people, eh? You learn something new every day...

 

[Alexp]

Its as simple as changing your perception

wow thanks sigmund..i mean alex...i feel way better already.

Its meant to encourage people, did you read the whole thing? Would love real feedback

Only two types of people, eh? You learn something new every day...

Wow, talk about taking it out of context. Was trying to differentiate for the sake of a discussion.

Anyone have anything more constructive to say? I admit I was little overzealous, but it was to try to get people thinking.

 

[Higolo]

I found that really helpful man, i'll try this out in situations i feel the anxiety.. thanks
I'm being honest, not trying to take the piss.

 

[Alexp]

I found that really helpful man, i'll try this out in situations i feel the anxiety.. thanks
I'm being honest, not trying to take the piss.

Thanks

 

[cLavain]

Wow, talk about taking it out of context. Was trying to differentiate for the sake of a discussion.

I didn't mean to be rude, alexp, but you said it yourself: It's not quite that simple. When you click on a topic called "You want to know how to change your social anxiety / phobia?" and it just repeats what we all know and says "think positive", you kind of want your 5 minutes back. :wink:
You say your differentiation was for the sake of discussion, but the two types of people don't reflect reality that well in my opinion, and if we're not talking about real people then what are we discussing exactly? People are complex. My reasons for feeling anxious/depressed are many and are all more or less interrelated and I often react differently on different days, in different situations, etc. So, speaking for myself, no quick fix, I'm afraid.

 

[Alexp]

Appreciate the honest response.

If I offended people cause I was over enthusiatic, then I apologize.. but its just my passion and my wish to help people.

It's not about simply thinking positive though. I never said that and thinking positive by itself really wouldnt do anything for anxiety. Its a change of expectation within yourself and the reasons why its logically so effective.

If what I just wrote in my first post is something we all already know, then I'm truly shocked. I never even made all those connections even after going for my psyd. If its what everyone already knows, then I'm happy.

I think most people dont truly realize the connection between social expectation and reinforced pain which leads to anxiety. Sure, its something we all know quite a bit about in parts, but its different when you put them all together and see how it all connects. It is something new in my opinion.

Its not some micracle new light therapy that fixes everything, its something we all already know in some part and thats the beauty of it.

Thanks for your opinion though. Open dialogue is always better than insults

 

[cLavain]

If what I just wrote in my first post is something we all already know, then I'm truly shocked. I never even made all those connections even after going for my psyd. If its what everyone already knows, then I'm happy.

Then maybe it's just me. Well, I've had a long time to brood on these matters. If I had only spent all those hours doing something useful... :roll:

Thanks for your opinion though. Open dialogue is always better than insults

But not as fun! :mrgreen:

 

[Predacon]

I'm not to sure about the everyone being one of two types theory, from those descriptions most of the time I feel like a combination of both. But that was some good advice which I will try and use.

 

[pjam76]

while you said many good things.

You made many valid and great points, but many people probably were turned off when it seemed what you say is more about what you read in books and heard in a class rather than actually dealing with reality.

Yeah there are many similarities between people of various cultures, but when you put people into ony two different categories, it just seems you spend too much time inside of books.

There are brothers and sisters who can attest they aren't all that similar, even though they were raised by the same parents and in a relatively similar environment.

Yes they might have similiar traits and qualities, but to say they either type A or type B just smells with "i read it in some book."

Most people are not always Type A or Type B. In fact, most people are one person at work, one person around family, one person around friends, one person around stranger... This has nothing to do with SA or SP either.

Yeah maybe it doesn't mean anything in the long run, but people seem to get offended when somebody who spent time reading a book, going to grad school, and so on start speaking like they know everything about everybody.

Nothing is that simple.

As far as just turning on and off your perception's, it's just not that easy. If it were, most people wouldn't be shy, wuoldn't have SA or SP and so on and so forth.

Yes you have to do something and learn and listen, but at the end of the day, if it were just as simple as turning something on and off, nobody would be on this forum.

 

[Alexp]

Nothing I wrote here is what I've learned in class. Its my own work and yes it is reality too. Reality for myself and others.

Changing expectation of course is not easy by itself. But when you see the value of changing it by linking it directly to your anxiety, then it becomes easier and easier and the motivation to change can be put into motion.

By understading how anxiety works, I have to the power to change it. This is what Im trying to give to this site. My version, my view.

What I wrote is just scratching the surface. There is so much more I could say.

As much as the personal insults hurt, Its not about me dammnit. Its not about me going to school, its not about me telling you how I know it all. Its about what I write and its about you thinking about it in your own terms and trying to see how it could work your own life.

Maybe you are right though, maybe I'm wasting my time.

You guys really think I'm some internet smuck who's a know it all and just wasting everyone's time? If so tell me and I will leave you all in peace.

I would die a million painful deaths to know that I helped someone. I literally cry when Im near people and see someone get hurt in some way. I would so gladly take whatever pain they are feeling if I could, so they could feel even the slightest bit better.

 

[pjam76]

look at it this way.

You seem more interested in promoting yourself or whatever your selling than actually trying to help somebody.

People who continually talk about "I need to help somebody" are usually the ones who aren't helping anybody.. Talk is nice, words are nice, but action is what it's all about.

you come off as an arrogant person. This is the internet. It's filled with people good at social engineering skills. Filled with people who claim they are one thing, claim they are another, and the list can go on forever.

Stop promoting yourself as some kind of "savior" and just write about what you think... Otherwise you are wasting your time because nobody wants to listen to a "know it all."

 

[jayo]

Steady on!

Everyone here is entitled to their opinion.

J

 

[Alexp]

Are you kidding me Pjam?

I know you got offended by me in another thread, but if you have a personal problem with me, talk in me in person and not pollute the thread with your crap. You don’t speak for everyone, even though you may think you do.

For the record, I have never promoted myself nor tried to sell anything. I’ve tried to give only help.

I’m probably one of the least arrogant people you will ever know. Is it arrogant to be passionate about something?

Arrogance to me is coming into someone else’s thread and throwing insults because you don’t like me for some reason and then responding to my message that was directed to other people as if your opinion is what everyone else is thinking. That to me is arrogance.

You need to look to yourself Pjam before courageously jumping on the bandwagon. I’m not perfect, but I do the best I can and I’m sure as hell not going to cave in because you of all people think I’m arrogant and self promoting.

Ask yourself this, what good are you doing here today, oh carrier of such wisdom and help. All you are trying to do is kick me while I'm down, because you dont like my opinions. Have you thought though that there are other people that may appreciate it or respect my opinions?

If you have something interesting to add to this thread, thats fine, but dont come in here and try to trash me because you have a personal vendetta against me.

 

[Quixote]

I think Alexp was actually trying to help, although the paragraph below sounds a bit excessive indeed...

I would die a million painful deaths to know that I helped someone. I literally cry when Im near people and see someone get hurt in some way. I would so gladly take whatever pain they are feeling if I could, so they could feel even the slightest bit better.

Jesus Christ looks like a gangster in comparison

 

[Alexp]

haha I know, I just reread it. It was a tad melodramatic

Ocassionally I get excessively sensitive and emotional, thats why I'm on a social phobia board Its the bane of my existence

 

[Snowcrash]

I think this thread is getting needlessly ugly.

I'll throw in my $0.02 and hopefully not make anything worse.

To be honest, I personally didn't find the original post very helpful. I don't think it described me very well at all. BUT that doesn't mean someone else didn't find it helpful.

If you look at the stats on this site, most of the time 90% of the people viewing it aren't logged in as members. So even if a few people read it and trash a post, it doesn't mean that no one found it helpful. Especially on a site like this it should be obvious that a lot of people viewing it are never going to post of even register as members.

So Alexp has the right to post something he hopes will be helpful. I don't think he posted anything that justifies some of the flaming he got. I mean c'mon this is a social anxiety site, be a little sensitive that everyone here has their own issues.

 

[kaya1]

What is worse than someone with SA? Someone with SA who thinks they have the miracle cure!!

Yes it is as simple as "changing your perception" as "being yourself" as "going with the flow" as "accepting your short comings" as "reading this book" or "listening to this tape with our magical subliminal messages" rah rah rah, heard it all before...

I know where you are coming from - I went through the miracle cure phase - every time I had a minor breakthough I thought I knew the answers. And god how I wanted to help other people from suffering the same hell that I have been through.

But in reality I have found:
1. changing yourself and the way you think is one of the hardest tasks you will ever face - sure sounds easy in theory, but try keeping it up for more than 48hrs.
2. as hard as it is and as long as it takes, hard work, pain and tears are the only way out of this, and you will have to do it alone.
3. after you go through the "miracle cure" phase you'll go through the "cynical bitch" phase. After that? I'll let you know if I ever get there!
4. get back up and keep trying. I've fallen a thousand times, I've made very little progress, I have a long way to go - but the air is a bit fresher where I am now compared to where i was 10 years ago, but it is sure worth the climb.
5. love yourself despite your SA. Go on I dare you.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi everybody,

I think that this thread is extremely interesting. And I think that if we all take a look at what everybody says that we all would understand something more than we currently do.

For the most part I actually agree with Alex's ideas, but i also agree that changing one's views and perceptions can be really difficult (and I think that when a person needs to do this, it usually is difficult).

I tend to think that changing your perception is like 'faith', and 'faith' is a little mysterious. I think that it is a little like 'inspiration'; you can go on for days or years without any and then all of a sudden, one day you've got it and you see things clearly. Or, like breaking a long-time habit; you can struggle and struggle with it, but then suddenly make your mind up and then from that point on, whilst it is difficult, you are clear as to the path to take.

Kaya: I really like your last instruction #5 -that one is the hardest one to do, and I think that it is most important.

 

[pjam76]

sorry

To the OP, sorry, I don't know you from jack, so if you think I have some kind of vendetta against you, that's great... But I have no clue who you are.

My original response wasn't an attack against you. It was a simple statement that people get tired when somebody jumps on the bandwagon and preaches about some "miracle cure."

This offended you, not me.

Maybe I got a little harsh in my words, but I've been around long enough to know that when people make claims like you have, it's rarely a good thing.

I mean,

"I would die a million painful deaths to know that I helped someone. I literally cry when Im near people and see someone get hurt in some way. I would so gladly take whatever pain they are feeling if I could, so they could feel even the slightest bit better."


That's nice.. I heard those words a million times from tons of people before. My father-in-law, brother-in-law and others lived and still live down in New Orleans.

When Katrina hit and after, people all over were preaching words like what you said... And for many of those people, it was just words.

Words are nice, but people who usually are defending themselves about helping people, aren't the ones actually helping anybody.

People who help are usually actually "down in the trenches" and not making claims about helping others.

If you read my original response, it said you made some valid points and arguments. But at the end of the day, you are not saying anything different than anybody else has said before.

To simply flip the switch and become somebody you want to become is never that easy.