You can look, but you can't touch. :(

[JamieD]

That phrase (thread title) pretty much sums up my experience and ability to talk to girls my age. A place can be full of good looking girls and i just cannot make a move whatsoever ::
It's like there's a invisible veil over me that instantly dismisses the thought of actually doing it before it even crosses my mind. I guess that's the fear of rejection or something.

It's just that i'm 20 soon, and yep you guessed, been single for 19 years so far (oh joy) :: and it's getting boring, i'm falling behind compared to people my age and it's very bad. So i want to do something about it, also i'd really like to say i had a girlfriend before turning 20 or i'd feel kinda lame.
It's silly but the most i can bring myself to do is grab a coffee and go sit alone in a bar/pub/restaurant (the place isn't totally beer orientated- i don't know what to class it as) with the hope that i might meet someone.
But i doubt anyone even notices me, or if they do, they probably think loner ::

It's basically like i have this thing that separates me from the rest of the world, i don't talk much 'cause of my shyness, i always look down, and find it hard to think about things to talk about. And this isn't exactly the best starting point to go find a girl is it?
I've been thinking.. dutch courage.. but i don't want to get into a bad habit and dependance of alcohol just to become comfortable around people. Plus i probably won't give off the best impression either, being sloshed (not completely, just to take the edge off :: )
It seems like i can't win. What can i do? How can i approach this? Baby steps?

 

[thor01]

I understand! Ive just accepted that its not in me to do that. As in approach girls the way most would. Its kind of less pressure on yourself if you think, OK, I'm not like people who can do that so easily, oh well.

But of course if you want to become able to, then yes take little steps to improve!

 

[Social_Monstrosity]

I'm EXACTLY like that. Are you my twin?

 

[GoBlue72]

Jamie,

Have you checked out the love-shyness threads on here? I know they describe a lot of what I feel, and what you've described beyond just shyness or social anxiety. I think a lot of people here have similar situations to you. Check out the poll on how long people have been single, and you'll see you are not alone. I've always felt hands-off around people, especially the opposite sex. To me, it stems from my insecurity with myself. I have little problem if women initiate touching/hugging, but wouldn't go out of my way to do it towards them first. Baby steps for sure, in my mind. Start by trying to act more confident, even it it's only making more eye contact. Relaxing your body so body language comes off as more approachable, along with standing up straighter than usual. Talking to more women, maybe with ones you feel most comfortable around, about anything to start. And don't mind read what others might think of you. That's a definite start for me.

 

[JamieD]

@thor01: True

@Social_Monstrosity: Horrible isn't it? Being like that? Just unable to loosen up.

@GoBlue72: Yea i've seen the threads and polls, i do think i have love shyness, it sounds like me exactly. But yea.. at least i'm not the only one, that's one consolation
I think i am slightly insecure with my appearance, irrationally, because despite that, people constantly say i'm good looking.
Yea, touch/physical contact is another thing, i'm not totally comfortable but it's alright.
But you give some good tips though, i'll try to put them into practice when possible

 

[MadPayne]

I can totally relate to your situation ... same situation here, just add another 6 years to it.

Like you said, when you're going out alone as a dude, one always comes off as a loner or loser or at least strange in some way. But it just ain't any better when you're going out with a group of friends, cause then you're kinda trapped within your group ... there's always your group and then maybe some other group of people, but everyone stays within their group and there's no interaction between the groups, and so you also never meet new people that way.

Guess the most natural way (or lets say, a way that allows baby steps in terms of social anxiety) would be to meet girls via friends of friends or something like that, so that you don't have to go beyond the barriers of "your group" and get to know them gradually. For me that hasn't really worked cause I don't have any female friends and my male friends don't really have many friends that are female either. (Just have to quickly ramble about this: Engineering Universities should either be forbidden or they should at least enforce some female quota that is way above 5%! ... always thought college was supposed this fun place, but guess that's only true if you chose the right degree program or college in terms of male/female ratio :
But hey, if the 'friends of friends approach' doesn't work for me ... could still work for you, depending on the structure of your circle of friends (and the respective female quota )

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Here's my tip: When you start talking to girls, don't go in there with an ulterior motive. Your only mission is to talk to them and get to know them. Although it can hard to do, you need to find some way of eliminating the thoughts that say "Let's go and hook up with the first girl that I talk to". Finding a girlfriend does not happen this way, and only players may have some success when approaching girls with this attitude. You just need to chill and get a calm mind before approaching girls. If there is any tension whatsoever then you need to question what your motive behind going over to them is.

 

[JamieD]

Thanks for your replies everyone

@MadPayne: I definitely agree with you on the friends of friends approach. I think it's the most likely/easiest way for me to meet people. Unfortunately the last time i saw any of my friends was months ago, although i'm seeing one lad tomorrow. I'll do my best.

 

[Kiwong]

A place can be full of good looking girls and i just cannot make a move whatsoever ::

Are you aiming for good looking girls or friendly approachable girls? Maybe you radar is set in the wrong direction. There maybe really nice girls that you are missing out on, sitting right under your nose. They may be a little quiet themselves, quite beautiful, and even more so when you listen to what comes from within.

I wish I had my time over, because I seemed to be attracted to all the wrong girls for all the wrong reasons I realise. There were some quite lovely girls, who were kind, who I overlooked, I regret that now.

 

[JamieD]

Probably not amazingly good looking girls, because with overly good looks usually comes confidence, sometimes even arrogance, and that would be out of my league. Probably just a nice approachable/friendly girl If the thing even exists nowadays with people my age (19) everyone's lives just seems to revolve around alcohol.

 

[JamieD]

Hey i've just been reading about derealisation, i've never thought this before but perhaps this is what i've described? Like a constant separation and reduced ability to interact with people/my environment. When i think about, it seems like this could be what i describe. I recently get these brief moments where i feel weird.. the best i can describe it is.. like i'm somewhere else for a moment, then i think i'm dreaming, then i realise oh no this is real, i AM actually here, then i wonder if i just zoned-out in front of everyone. Could this be slight derealization?

 

[GoBlue72]

Hey i've just been reading about derealisation, i've never thought this before but perhaps this is what i've described? Like a constant separation and reduced ability to interact with people/my environment. When i think about, it seems like this could be what i describe. I recently get these brief moments where i feel weird.. the best i can describe it is.. like i'm somewhere else for a moment, then i think i'm dreaming, then i realise oh no this is real, i AM actually here, then i wonder if i just zoned-out in front of everyone. Could this be slight derealization?

Among the self-help stuff I've been reading lately, one talked about social anxiety and shyness. They pointed out something like most people in a crowded room perceive the room from the perspective of their own eyes looking at everyone. But people with SA will almost detach and focus more on themselves from the view of others in the room and how they're perceived.

Probably not amazingly good looking girls, because with overly good looks usually comes confidence, sometimes even arrogance, and that would be out of my league.

Also, I downloaded some stuff by Jamie Smart. He uses an NLP background to teach guys confidence with women. According to his thinking, you will have better luck attracting the most attractive women in a group because everyone lowers their standards a little by thinking they're out of their league. I don't know if I agree, but did see some online dating statistics that showed a similar trend of most guys aiming for the 7s and 8s rather than 10s.

 

[JamieD]

Ahh right.. Interesting stuff! I'm really determined to fight this 'disease'. All this is giving me inspiration

 

[danstelter]

I have to give you some kudos for questioning yourself and trying to figure out what action to take! That'll get you where you want to be! For me, I had my first gf @ 21, which was later than everyone else I knew.

For starters I'd recommend online dating. There's no need to pay $100's of dollars - just use Free Online Dating at Plentyoffish.com - there's millions of people on it so plenty of opportunity there.

Just keep trying and keep taking steps and you'll get there!