Why do we do, what we do?

[CaptainArgh]

Hey guys,

Well, why do we act the way we do?

Why do we push people away continououously, perform self destuctive acts continuously, avoid all contact with people, continue to hold on to negative thought patterns even though they dont help us, why do we enable our denial and excuses, why do we avoid accepting responsibility for everything in our lives, blaming others and environmental factors on the outcomes, choose fantasy worlds over reality, full stop not deal with reality.

Why do we refuse to get on with our lives? I mean the only person stopping us is ourselves, right, so why the :kickingmyself: do we do it.

I get that we don't accept things. I get that we need to drive for positive change. I get that we need to recognise our triggers, and choose a different response. I get that we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH HH

How the :kickingmyself: do you do it when you are having an identity crisis

 

[Barrier]

I wish I knew. I guess we stick to it cause it's familiar and it has become the truth in a way. But changing it all, it's so hard. And one setback seems to work as a reset button.

 

[spider04]

Because we feel anxiety that doesn't want to go away?

 

[AdamE]

Good question. Wish I could answer.

 

[Lamb]

Being that it seems you're aware of the triggers and sense of reasoning behind certain actions, I suppose the question is: what's causing you to have an identity crisis? Major transition in your life? career path?

You have to first reduce the anxiety, anger or whatever strong emotion is stemming in order to think clearly and take proactive steps in dealing with what you may like to change within yourself and your life. I know.. easier said than done.

I struggle with identity crisis myself periodically. Have you considered therapy?

 

[bcsr]

Because avoidance is the quickest way to get relief. Even if it's only temporary and short-term.

 

[BlueDays]

Familiar territory = safe, painfree.


Out of our Comfort Zone = terrifying, potential pain.



Human survival instinct dictates that most of us choose the safe road.
Our Avoidant brains have a problem effectively determining what is "life threatning" and what is not.

 

[eternalnewb]

For me I think I act the way I do as a sort self preservation. I want to get close to people, but the more I connect with someone the more fear sets in and becomes overwhelming. My reaction to that is to pull back and push that person away usually saying something hurtful so they wont try to get close to me again. I always feel horrible after and wish I could change the way I think, but the only thing I can do right now is avoid getting close to people so that I don't end up hurting them.

I think in order to try to change it's better to start small, something different you could do each day to push yourself out of your comfort zone. In the past year or so I've found that when I'm out walking my dog if I see someone coming down the street I will go a different route to avoid them, now I make myself continue so that I pass the person. It seems so simple but I think it is taking the little steps that pull us back into reality from our own safe worlds we create.

 

[ShadowHeart]

It seems clear that we all have our own reasons for doing what we do. For me it is definitely a form of protection. I am so certain that I am unworthy or defective that if I get too close to ppl they will discover that. My self esteem is almost nonexistant and therefore I can't face that kind of judgement from others so I isolate and stay away from almost everybody.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

It seems clear that we all have our own reasons for doing what we do. For me it is definitely a form of protection. I am so certain that I am unworthy or defective that if I get too close to ppl they will discover that. My self esteem is almost nonexistant and therefore I can't face that kind of judgement from others so I isolate and stay away from almost everybody.

I can relate to that comment. I have a general distrust in people.

 

[neohorizon]

identity crisis is good, it means you want to change!

I think we do these things because we fear the truth, so we avoid contact with other people as much as we can and situations that show our weakness! we settle in Comfort Zones as people said...

You know you must change, this is good, but you wont change only confronting your thoughts, you need ACT!

Hey guys,
Why do we refuse to get on with our lives? I mean the only person stopping us is ourselves, right, so why the :kickingmyself: do we do it.

What i can tell to you that worked with me is "think in a reason to fight for"

Find something that you like and want to get, a dream like a job (career), being father someday, to learn something, to meet some place... idk!

After you find something to fight for, the things get much easier! there is no reason anymore to worry about what other people think about you, or how do you look for them. You can go on, and change the wrong things...

(search professional help if you can) bye bye (sorry my english)

 

[TheTemp]

Good ****ing question.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Not sure trying to find out...
It all seems like self-sabotaging behaviour, for me at least I'm not sure how many others but I feel as if that's what you're descibing in your post, the refusal to change, standing in your own way. Self sabotage is when you decide what you want and then make sure you don't get there.

Perhaps it's more of a lack of understanding of how to change for most others on this forum but for me, I'm pretty sure I have hundreds of methods to try out and I'm positive one will work, I even have tested some for short periods and know that they work enough to basically know my whole way out of this mess. The main problem now is I stop myself from exhausting any of them without making sure to make up for it in a negative way, so I must define that as self sabotage. For example, I'm trying to lose weight so I'm not so scared to go outside. But every time I do well on my diet and exercise, I'll binge eat in the night to make up for it. Wtf? Standing in my way by using sabotaging thoughts ("I'm not good enough") to prevent myself from any possibility of success because of something I fear will show itself if I get there.

Possible fears that put a person squarely in their own way:
fear of success or fear of failure. What will happen if you succeed?

Being happy and confident but having to change the people around you because they are not?

Not being good enough for success?

Being scared that, other than conquering anxiety or your self esteem issues, you won't have any goals or hopes left once that goal is conquered?/you don't know who you are, so holding yourself back gives you a purpose and something meaningful

Maybe you're scared that if you conquer your self esteem issues or anxiety, there won't be any reason not to do all the things you've wanted to, no matter how scary?

You are too perfectionistic, so feel as if you will never be good enough for yourself. You set your goals too high, and would rather step back than even try to match up to your impossible ideals and expectations. This could also go another way, you compare yourself, and idealize others unrealistically so think that to be worth their time, you'd have to be perfect. The reality is everybody is fighting every day to take strides forward from their own troubles..

Oh, I thought of one more. You crave excitement, and excitement comes from facing fears. If you're not facing enough of your fears, you'll go the other way and try to get change/excitement from facing prolonged "failure" aka allowing yourself to be at your worst. Possible...

Maybe this wasn't a self-sabotage thread at all, idk. But that's why I do what I do

 

[CaptainArgh]

I can relate to that comment. I have a general distrust in people.

This has been something that I have worked out lately too – I distrust everybody, including myself. The lack of trust for myself is a large part of why I don’t move forward.

identity crisis is good, it means you want to change!

Wow that made me feel better. Thanks so much 

You know you must change, this is good, but you wont change only confronting your thoughts, you need ACT!

Acceptance and Commitment therapy is something that I did a lot of reading on last week. Like most other things I became familiar with the concept and dropped it without really putting anything into motion.

After you find something to fight for, the things get much easier!

You’re absolutely right. I haven’t got a strong enough reason to fight. The answer to that question will also give me a part of a sense of my identity.

(sorry my english)

You’re English is great 

Perhaps it's more of a lack of understanding of how to change for most others on this forum

Yeah I’m lying to myself if I say I don’t know how to change. I have been shown enough doors, and I know from the past what has worked and what hasn’t, what has made me feel better and what hasn’t. I have a place to start.

I'm trying to lose weight so I'm not so scared to go outside. But every time I do well on my diet and exercise, I'll binge eat in the night to make up for it.... to prevent myself from any possibility of success because of something I fear will show itself if I get there.

This is absolutely completely 100% true for me too. The reason I self destruct is the intial question I was trying to ask in a round-about way. I achieved a small measure of success the other day, and immediately told an obvious bull**** lie, knowing I would get caught. I then hibernated in my room for 28 hours, which in turn started a 4 hour massive confrontation and fight. I immediately hand-grenaded my own success to ensure that things went back to being as bad as they possibly could.

Fear of success or fear of failure. What will happen if you succeed? Not being good enough for success? Holding yourself back gives you a purpose and something meaningful If you conquer your self esteem issues or anxiety, there won't be any reason not to do all the things you've wanted to, no matter how scary?

I have both a fear of success and a fear of failure. I don’t believe that I am good enough to succeed, and on the flip side I have the permanet anxiety of anticipated failure. I have achieved some things in my life, and I am comfortable with those specific achievements, but they are all relative to how I behave rather than enjoying them for what they are.

You are too perfectionistic, so feel as if you will never be good enough for yourself. You set your goals too high, and would rather step back than even try to match up to your impossible ideals and expectations. The reality is everybody is fighting every day to take strides forward from their own troubles..

I am a perfectionist – its something I created within myself as I used to get my ego kick from excelling at school – I would drive myself ruthlessly to succeed beyond all possible expectations, from myself and others because it gave me attention.

You crave excitement, and excitement comes from facing fears. If you're not facing enough of your fears, you'll go the other way and try to get change/excitement from facing prolonged "failure" aka allowing yourself to be at your worst.

I absolutely believe I am addicted to my behaviour.
Thanks so much for the responses guys  I love that you guys care enough to answer. It makes me feel like I am part of a bigger group, and that I am not as alone as I thought I was 

 

[EscapeArtist]

I'm glad you feel welcome by the way, welcome! haha I see that you just joined

 

[CaptainArgh]

These are answers we all need to find for ourselves, i guess. I have to say I feel bad for monopolising this specific conversation for my own needs.

Thanks for the help and the posts. It made my day a lot better. Some exercise, affirmations and feeling more at peace.

 

[hidwell]

Familiar territory = safe, painfree.


Out of our Comfort Zone = terrifying, potential pain.



Human survival instinct dictates that most of us choose the safe road.
Our Avoidant brains have a problem effectively determining what is "life threatning" and what is not.

You seem very familiar with this thought pattern. h: