Why can't I kill myself?

[myheartisastone]

I don't see why I have to remain alive. I keep hearing these messages that "you're not weak", "that's the easy way out" "you'd hurt your family .."

But I honestly don't think I would. My family doesn't even care about me ... they don't notice me. No one does.

Everyone ignores me. I am pretty much convinced I am unimportant. People only want to pretend i'm relevant when they want to insult me, or use me, or anything else.

I feel empty and worthless. I don't enjoy anything I used to. Everything is automation. I feel no more will to do anything, I do things out of necessity ... I don't enjoy anything anymore. I am tired of pretending that I am okay.

I don't feel like I have a purpose. People try to tell me I do, but I know I don't.

Worst of all, I can't see myself having a future. I sadly look at my friend/other family members who appear to be happily married and have kids, and I know i'd never have that. (Not that realistically I want that, or that i'd be able to deal with it right now), just that I know i'll never have it.

All of my relationships and friendships have ended badly, both because of my communication issues and because i've had a few abusive relationships.

And I fear that I won't find anyone who actually wants to be with me.

So, why can't I?

 

[neardeath]

Welcome again to the forum. Hang out here for awhile. Finding a purpose is possible.

I am certain you mean something to someone. Our thoughts get clouded with black and white when we feel so bad. We can't get around in life anymore, because all possibilities get sunk in the mud. Please don't give up! There are a lot of folks in the forum with good ideas for you. Ask a few questions. Listen to a few more answers.

You can find a purpose.

 

[WiKKiD]

Hi, I am in this exact position! almost all of what you said hits home.. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do or were to go but I hope it some what helps to know you are not alone in this way of being.. and If you need to talk or vent about anything you can message me.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, in theory, I think that everyone has the right to end their life when they want to. However, the problem is, that normally people don't want to end their life. People who do want to do so are either in intense pain suffering from uncurable diseases, like having late stage cancer spread through their entire body. Or they are in some sort of extreme stress, or suffer from some sort of mental problems.

Now, the cancer situation is one of those where I think it might actually make sense. There is no hope for a cure, there is no way to get rid of the pain, and things will end anyway quite soon.

But the other situations? I think that committing suicide in those is plain wrong, simply because there is still hope that things improve.

Sure, for myself, the insane amount of pain I'd inflict to my family and friends by committing suicide are already reason alone not to do it. But even if I'd be totally alone, things could improve, and by committing suicide, I'd get straight to the worst case possible. Which simply makes no sense.

My SA was very strong when I was in my early twenties, and I had chronic depressions too. But I worked on things, and the situation improved. If I'd have committed suicide, I couldn't enjoy life now. So that would have been really really stupid. And I guess that counts for most people.

 

[WiKKiD]

^ I agree.

 

[SotiCoto]

I don't see why I have to remain alive. I keep hearing these messages that "you're not weak", "that's the easy way out" "you'd hurt your family .."

But I honestly don't think I would. My family doesn't even care about me ... they don't notice me. No one does.

Everyone ignores me. I am pretty much convinced I am unimportant. People only want to pretend i'm relevant when they want to insult me, or use me, or anything else.

Your assessment of the situation is pretty good.
If I am to assume that your family is at least equivalent to most families, they are probably at least partially invested in you. Afterall, that is why people breed: an investment of time and effort to further the existence of their genes... One can throw memes on the pile too, at a variable level depending on their actual involvement in your life so far.

Point I'm getting at is that they've probably paid their due as far as you're concerned... and all that they need from you now.... is for you to continue living (and probably breeding) under your own momentum. This probably doesn't require their direct involvement.
The problem is that if you kill yourself, that WOULD concern them, because it would be an instant waste of their investment. They'd probably manifest that concern with emotional excuses or something... as people do. All basically to justify the fact that they essentially stopped paying attention to you up until the point where you weren't doing what they wanted any more.
BUT I'm jumping to conclusions now and oughtn't to....

Point is NOT QUITE that they don't care about you... but that they pretty much expect you to do the rest on your own (and possibly haven't considered the possibility that you won't).

I feel empty and worthless. I don't enjoy anything I used to. Everything is automation. I feel no more will to do anything, I do things out of necessity ... I don't enjoy anything anymore. I am tired of pretending that I am okay.

I don't feel like I have a purpose. People try to tell me I do, but I know I don't.

All these things are true.
Question is where you got the idea that you needed "purpose" from.

I'd hazard a guess that getting existential about purpose and whatnot isn't really going to help you out right now... but there are ways to distract yourself from those bloody awful feels. For instance, as utterly contradictory as it sounds, have you tried telling yourself over and over that you enjoy being miserable? (Hint : So far as I can tell that isn't actually possible to achieve, but if you force yourself to "believe" the mantra enough, it really confuses the hell out of those nasty feelings)...

Worst of all, I can't see myself having a future. I sadly look at my friend/other family members who appear to be happily married and have kids, and I know i'd never have that. (Not that realistically I want that, or that i'd be able to deal with it right now), just that I know i'll never have it.

All of my relationships and friendships have ended badly, both because of my communication issues and because i've had a few abusive relationships.

And I fear that I won't find anyone who actually wants to be with me.

So, why can't I?

Some of us are just dead-ends.
Can't be helped.
It'd be nice if the media didn't continually bombard people with all the "you can do it" hope-building optimist crap... not least since it isn't true... Builds peoples expectations too high, so it hurts all the more when they come crashing down. Fact remains though that us dead-end types really aren't worth anything more than the meat we're made of to them sorts.

*Shrugs*

You could do as the ants do : Live vicariously through your siblings (assuming the family members in question include siblings) ...
I don't know why I'm even suggesting that though as I've never tried it myself... not least since all my siblings are younger than me... but whatever. There is a rationale behind it.


Anyway...
I've been infracted for giving suicide advice already. So I figured I'd give a shot at life advice this time. I'm not as good at it though... on account of being kinda willfully Nihilistic.

 

[Diend]

Well maybe you could start a YouTube channel post some video blogs video blogs and just share your hobbies on YouTube and I think it will make you feel better you know it's it's definitely help me you know coping with social anxiety one thing that I think house a lot is going to get enough sleep at night and cannot stay up late and just you just relax calm down