When should one admit defeat?

[Horatio]

I'm 28 years old and haven't even been on a date in 4 years. Now that my depression and SA have come back and I've given up drinking I rarely even meet girls anymore.

Most my friends are either married or at least in very long term relationships and I feel like I'm left behind as I never ever even had the whole dating experience in my early 20's.

I'm thinking about deleting my dating profile as I'm lucky to get a message once every three months and nothing has ever come out of the several years I've paid for the service.

I've put on more weight, stopped buying new clothes and stopped using the nice cologne that I used to as none of that seemed to make any difference. Women just aren't attracted to who I am, neither physically or on any other level.

It pains me to ask this, but when should one just admit defeat and accept the fact that they will always be alone? I wonder if perhaps I could just accept that then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe I should hold a private funeral of sorts for the love I never had and then try to move on with the rest of my life as a loner.

Sometimes I go months without even thinking about the fact I'm alone but then just when I think I'm fine with it I get the pangs of loneliness again and it eats away at me from the inside. The older I get the harder it becomes to convince myself that "one day it will be better".

Any advice?

 

[ありがとう]

In my opinion... You have a long way to go before you can accept your going to be alone... Sure you're not in a relationship or married like your friends, but does that even matter? You do have an excuse after all (depression/SA). People still date when they're in their 30s or even 40s etc... So you're still pretty young. But with your problems, it's taking an affect on how you perceive and how you look after yourself.... And it is making you think you're worthless. I know you want to give up, but if you do that, I think your mental state will get worse. I think you should take a step back, I don't think you should focus on getting a relationship or anything like that for now, but just go back to what you gave up on... Do some exercise, buy some nice clothes, maybe go and make friends with other singles... build back a life. (I think hanging out with married couples, or couples doesn't help at all!!!!)....After you feel better you could always go back on the dating site (instead of waiting for messages, why don't you just mail people you're interested in?) It's not much of an advice, but I don't think you should give up yet or even ever. If you give up, you'll be missing some opportunities... Just think of it this way, if you never given up, you might be married 10 years later, but if you gave up, you'll be alone!! Be persistent!!! You will feel crap and lonely, but that's all apart of being persistent.

 

[Hastings & Main]

"Defeat" should only be used as a term when you're thinking about where your socks are.
I've got over ten years on you and pretty much the same record, and - aside from the down days - I won't kill hope with self-doubt or anything else.

As always, keep yer brain going with self-improvement, reading, activities, hobbies etc. Pretend you're the last man on Earth and loneliness is your only companion. Make it a friend and use it to an advantage. Try writing, try art, try everything, go to art school, community college. Meeting people in real time will only happen when you're in a crowded environment, SA or not.
Online dating works, but try not to use it as the only option. Out in public, act self-confident. Key word is "act". You'll notice the difference in reactions.

In the meantime, I always read Bukowski ("You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense") or Rollins, or re-read Geek Love.

Never surrender! Remember that Anthony Quinn had a child at 83 years old.

 

[miss_amy]

How about freshening up your profile or moving to a different service provider. Never give up. It doesnt have to be all out fight to get someone, just work on life in general, small steps at a time. Maybe love will come find you. My therapist once told me if you arent catching fish change the bait.

 

[Horatio]

Do some exercise, buy some nice clothes, maybe go and make friends with other singles... build back a life. (I think hanging out with married couples, or couples doesn't help at all!!!!)....After you feel better you could always go back on the dating site (instead of waiting for messages, why don't you just mail people you're interested in?)

Hey thanks for your message of support. The thing about socializing that strikes me is the emphasis that my friends will place on relationships or meeting women.

For example, I stopped drinking some time ago but when I did go out for some drinks the aim of the group was more than often to meet girls. We could be having an interesting conversation but then a good looking girl might enter the bar and before you know it I'm playing the part of the wingman again.

Since stopping drinking I've been losing most of my friends and aren't meeting new people very often. When I do, I'm a bit of a bumbling mess with my depression and anxiety, to the point where I almost feel like apologizing that they had to waste time meeting me.

I know that no girl could ever fall for a guy that has those issues and I know that even when my depression and anxiety weren't such a struggle I still wasn't having much luck meeting girls.

To me it just seems a waste of money and time to bother with the cologne, clothes etc when it seems the odds are very much against me anyways. Same with the dating site, only one in ten girls that I write to will even bother to reply to me at all. I think I just have to admit that I don't have what it takes to be man enough to earn the respect and attentions of a woman.

It is very difficult for me to say that, but I honestly think I have wasted my time believing that one day things would change.

 

[Horatio]

"Defeat" should only be used as a term when you're thinking about where your socks are.
I've got over ten years on you and pretty much the same record, and - aside from the down days - I won't kill hope with self-doubt or anything else.

As always, keep yer brain going with self-improvement, reading, activities, hobbies etc. Pretend you're the last man on Earth and loneliness is your only companion. Make it a friend and use it to an advantage. Try writing, try art, try everything, go to art school, community college. Meeting people in real time will only happen when you're in a crowded environment, SA or not.
Online dating works, but try not to use it as the only option. Out in public, act self-confident. Key word is "act". You'll notice the difference in reactions.

In the meantime, I always read Bukowski ("You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense") or Rollins, or re-read Geek Love.

Never surrender! Remember that Anthony Quinn had a child at 83 years old.

I like your sense of humor!

I know I must sound pessimistic, but I really do think I am being a realist. It hurts to kill the hope, but the continual hope seems to hurt more in the long term. Thinking I have a chance just means I have to continually feel rejected. When you go for so many years without girls showing you even a hint of attention it starts to feel like one is lying to themselves if they say they have any chance.

Funny you mention writing, I took that up a while ago and have been trying unsuccessfully for the last year to get my first book published. I'm about to send it off to a fourth publisher so wish me luck. My primary motivation for wanting to be a writer is that it is an occupation that can support life as a hermit in a small out of the way place.

That is my dream, to live somewhere quiet yet beautiful where I can live my life without having to feel rejected all the time.

 

[coyote]

People still date when they're in their 30s or even 40s etc...

yes - EVEN in their 40's!

shocking, but true!!

 

[Horatio]

How about freshening up your profile or moving to a different service provider. Never give up. It doesnt have to be all out fight to get someone, just work on life in general, small steps at a time. Maybe love will come find you. My therapist once told me if you arent catching fish change the bait.

Thanks for your reply. I've swapped around my profile from time to time and have gone long periods where I have completely forgotten about the site. Was just looking at my credit card statement the other day and thought maybe it is time to cut it.

Generally over the past few years I've just done my own thing. Sometimes I will actively try to find love and other times I will just live my life with the thought it will happen if it will happen.

I'm just starting to look at it now from a realist point of view in that it is costing me time and money to keep the belief that I might have hope left. If I cut back on the cologne, dating site and wear cheaper clothes then that alone will save me a considerable amount of money. It does however mark a point where I actually do 'give up'.

 

[coyote]

...Now that my depression and SA have come back....

this is the key phrase in your post

you don't cure your depression and SA by changing your life

your life changes because you treat your depression and SA

that's what you need to focus on

the rest will happen when it happens

 

[3lefts]

Maybe you are generalizing women. Not all want nice clothes, cologne, and to be chased.
It's easier to find love when one is as they are themselves. I don't know, love doesn't seem so goal and result orientated to me. Isn't that just for temporary physical intimacy?

 

[Kiwong]

Never admit defeat. Keep on fighting.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Funny you mention writing, I took that up a while ago and have been trying unsuccessfully for the last year to get my first book published. I'm about to send it off to a fourth publisher so wish me luck. My primary motivation for wanting to be a writer is that it is an occupation that can support life as a hermit in a small out of the way place.

That is my dream, to live somewhere quiet yet beautiful where I can live my life without having to feel rejected all the time.

Good luck!
And send your writing to EVERYONE. It'll be rejected by 99% of them and you just keep sending it to different people, eventually working around the circle again. Send it out like a daily or weekly chore, expect the rejections like you expect your next breath and some day it'll get picked up, hopefully sooner than later. One local Vancouver writer got rejected too much for his liking so he just went self-publishing under his own company. Has about ten titles out with works from others under his belt as well. Pretty good for an old drunk-punk.

And writing is perfect for the hermit lifestyle. Just look at Pynchon!
Still rooting for the "keep hope alive" gambit, tho' .

 

[ありがとう]

In response to your message..

I guess maybe you need to find a new set of friends, that aren't overly focused on girls and more about being a proper friend that hang out... Maybe find a hobby and join a club for it? I think finding more introverted friends will help (although they are hard to find)... It sure helped me since I find extroverts too demanding and made me uncomfortable.

I used to think like that too... Dressing up is pointless, but that was when I had depression.... Depression can really alter your thinking. Then one day I wanted to dress up and look nice, feel pretty... dressing up really helps boost some confidence. You don't have to wear cologne, just make yourself look presentable and groomed... It sure looks better than a slob right?

I don't know much about dating sites... But I think never getting a response is a very common thing, especially if the girls get tons of mail, they can't really pick every guy. Just keep trying or just don't use those sites (I'm very iffy with those sites).

I think the main thing is to work on getting rid of that depression and anxiety again. You think you wasted a lot of time, but I believe you can do it....! You can make changes if you allow it and do it.

 

[Feathers]

Well, a friend of mine says things really start happening when she 'gives up', and I've heard a girl say she'll give up men forever and become a nun - only to hear she got married a year or two later!!

So... if cost of the agency/website is too much, maybe cut it and go for free sites out there? maybe read reviews of them first? even some paid sites can get bad results, while for some people free sites may work too..
Or take a break from dating for a while, and focus on other things..

Some people make a new profile or re-word what they wrote about themselves every now and then too.. Different people can respond differently according to what you wrote..

How about join a club (something interesting)? Volunteer (in a group that has cool/nice/friendly single people, ideally both male and female!) Are you in any writing/literary/critique groups? Or Toastmasters?
Maybe you could meet someone at writing conferences or meet-ups too?
What kind of girl would you wish to meet? Where could she be?

I read that it may be good for a man to be single before publishing 1st novel..
Fingers crossed! Did you have any beta readers? Sometimes comments can help improve a book, sometimes it's just a numbers game, yup! Even JK Rowling was rejected at first!
Have you got some other sort of income meanwhile?

A friend of mine is a writer and was always single (and miserable about money), and then he took a full-time bookstore job and was happier with the money situation and is now happily married too!!

 

[Nathan6672]

I would suggest looking for romance in different places. If you've quit drinking, you probably won't connect with a woman who is out to drink. Find yourself first; do things you used to do, like exercise.. or do new things, like read a book, or anything. Figure out who you are and what you want, then start partaking in activites that reflect who you are and involve other people, and I'm sure you'll meet some nice women. =]

 

[Horatio]

I would suggest looking for romance in different places. If you've quit drinking, you probably won't connect with a woman who is out to drink. Find yourself first; do things you used to do, like exercise.. or do new things, like read a book, or anything. Figure out who you are and what you want, then start partaking in activites that reflect who you are and involve other people, and I'm sure you'll meet some nice women. =]

I guess that is pretty much what I've been doing the past 18 months since giving up drinking. Just been doing my own thing really, but don't really meet any girls that way.

After sleeping on it I decided not to renew my subscription on the dating site as I've been on there at least five years without it working for me.

Am still to be convinced that I should bother making an effort in other parts of my life, considering the time and money it involves. I'm more comfortable in t-shirt and trackpants and they are a lot cheaper than a new shirt and trousers. And I reckon the cologne probably just made me smell try hard anyway and I've been wearing it less often since I stopped going out on the town.

I'm sure eventually I'll snap out of this feeling lonely phase like I have before and go back to being content with living life on my own.

 

[Horatio]

How about join a club (something interesting)? Volunteer (in a group that has cool/nice/friendly single people, ideally both male and female!) Are you in any writing/literary/critique groups? Or Toastmasters?
Maybe you could meet someone at writing conferences or meet-ups too?
What kind of girl would you wish to meet? Where could she be?

I read that it may be good for a man to be single before publishing 1st novel..
Fingers crossed! Did you have any beta readers? Sometimes comments can help improve a book, sometimes it's just a numbers game, yup! Even JK Rowling was rejected at first!
Have you got some other sort of income meanwhile?

A friend of mine is a writer and was always single (and miserable about money), and then he took a full-time bookstore job and was happier with the money situation and is now happily married too!!

My writing at the moment is non-fiction but I do hope to write novels one day as well. I've had some very encouraging compliments from the publishers I have approached so far they have all turned me down due to poor book sales as a result of the recession.

I have a full time job but I'm eager to succeed in a new career so I can have more choices in my life. My fulltime job supports my writing efforts and I may end up getting a loan and self publishing if I have to.

Good to hear that it works for some people like your friend!