When is it OK to feel....?

[KiaKaha]

Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, insulted or a sense of personal injustice.

I am just wondering where the boundary of acknowledging that sometimes bad things happen and that some things are out of our control - and when it is deemed acceptable to complain, feel hurt and to feel like you have been treated unfairly.

Sometimes I feel with people that every time I am hurt or I feel sad or that I am pissed about something that it is NOT OK to feel these emotions and to simply accept them because that is merely the way life is.

I on the other hand feel the opposite - I think it is healthy to feel anger or disdain or dissatisfaction or disappointed at the cards life throws at you.

So where is the line? and why is that there seems to be a sense of absolute acceptance of everything?

 

[BlackPuma]

When the feelings are valid then it should be perfectly acceptable to show them. When someone hurts, insults or does something you're not comfortable with responding with a due intense emotional response is only honest.

Many people demonize verbal lying, yet do so all the time emotionally. People that say that they're fine when the opposite is true. It's close to lying as verbal admittance/physical appearance don't match emotional fact (much like when facts are bend to suit a story in a lie).

So yes, if you're not throwing a massive fit about someone eating the last raspberry cupcake (however awesome they may be), it's good to respond in a way that is true to your emotion (given that it's appropriate in intensity).

 

[KiaKaha]

I know exactly what you mean.

It seems to me like people expect you to just move on from things in a snap, to always be self-assured and unfazed. If you aren't, you're obviously weak and emotionally unstable. Never let 'em see you sweat, don't cry, no insecurity allowed. Tough, invincible, arrogant, outspoken. This is what a Westerner is supposed to be. If you ever feel anxious or depressed - dear god you'd better hope no one finds out, or you're SCREWED.

Guess that's just my bitter perspective. It isn't easy to be so neurotic in a world of people who find it repulsive.

Oh my god we must be twins.
I feel exactly the same way.

This may sound weird but I am a little drawn to people who lack confidence and who expose their vulnerabilities. I guess I see it as a form of sincerity.

But yes - I hear you.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

All feelings are acceptable, even if they're out of the norm.

 

[KiaKaha]

Yes. But I wonder why it seems that feeling that things are sometimes unfair - is unreasonable.... when sometimes things are not fair.

Where is the line between taking it, accepting it and acknowledging it - and expressing disappointment, feeling disheartened and trying to do something about it?

 

[dragonoth]

I don't know about any line or boundary, but it's more important what you do after some crap gets thrown at you. Will you take it and either leave it or complain about it so that nothing changes, or will you take it and do something about it to make things better?

 

[kihira]

Where is the line between taking it, accepting it and acknowledging it - and expressing disappointment, feeling disheartened and trying to do something about it?

Maybe this?

"...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference"

Saint Francis of Assisi

 

[da_illest101]

I don't know about any line or boundary, but it's more important what you do after some crap gets thrown at you. Will you take it and either leave it or complain about it so that nothing changes, or will you take it and do something about it to make things better?

The problem with that is you can't always do something about it. For example I hate my job, but really needs money. Except for looking for other jobs what else can I do. No amount of positive thinking is going to make me like working there.

 

[Lea]

Nobody can ever prescribe anyone what they should feel, as this is something that happens naturally and automatically. Just as if someone stumbles, they feel hurt.
The only thing we can change is how we deal with it. If we remain on the floor crying or try to pick ourselves and go on.

Where is the line, just like with everything, in the middle IMO.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

There is this quote I really like and that has helped me: "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." The world is not fair, that is for sure. But a lot of the times we make things even harder for ourselves. I don't know about lines...all I know is that complaining about things doesn't change or improve anything...actually, it makes me feel worse, especially if I don't see a solution. Makes me feel stuck. I still complain and get irritated of course.

 

[bcsr]

There is this quote I really like and that has helped me: "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." The world is not fair, that is for sure. But a lot of the times we make things even harder for ourselves. I don't know about lines...all I know is that complaining about things doesn't change or improve anything...actually, it makes me feel worse, especially if I don't see a solution. Makes me feel stuck. I still complain and get irritated of course.

This is basically what I was going to say, only more tactful.

 

[KiaKaha]

I think people give up too easily because it makes people feel complacent. It is much easy to accept the way things are (or make excuses to justify indifference) than to actually try. Some things you cant change - but with enough force and enough desire, the likelihood of that change increases.
I am probably the only one on the forum who believes this. If someone hurts you or you are treated unfairly by the powers that be - then is it not sensible to not only vent, but use that dissatisfaction and despondency as a motivating force to make things right?

 

[Section_31]

When is it acceptable?.

It depends by whose standards your going. Societal? or yyour own? or none in particular?.

I dont personally care what the rest of the herd says. I feel how i feel when i feel it, and it wont go away untill it resolves itself.

I loko at my feelings as, theyre neither good, nor bad, they just ARE.

 

[twiggle]

There is this quote I really like and that has helped me: "If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." The world is not fair, that is for sure. But a lot of the times we make things even harder for ourselves. I don't know about lines...all I know is that complaining about things doesn't change or improve anything...actually, it makes me feel worse, especially if I don't see a solution. Makes me feel stuck. I still complain and get irritated of course.

I think the quote is very true and I like it a lot.

Although I do think there are benefits to complaining sometimes. For example - say you're feeling really upset about something. You feel like something negative has happened in your life and that it's not fair. You are teetering on the edge of tears yet also know that your problem isn't the worst thing in the world compared to everything else that's going on out there. You hide the tears and keep the sadness within because you don't feel as though you should be feeling unhappy about it. The problem you have is never solved, just waded around as opposed to fully tackled. Ignored. Yet the sadness still pokes at you. For a long time.
Or you can let the tears out, share the problem with somebody else, moan about how life can be so unfair at times and release all these negative thoughts and emotions so that they're no longer within. THEN you can figure what you're going to do next, to address the problem.

I'm one of the biggest advocates of the notion that if you're unhappy, then you can't be idle, you need to actively try and think of solutions because nobody else can cheer you up for you. But I also find it sad that people can find it so hard to express their sadness for fear of shame. Repressed emotions only lead to the problem intensifying.

My opinion? Cry when you're sad, smile when you're happy, and if you're the victim of some kind of injustice at any point, then acknowledge how unfair it is, curse whoever's done it, but then try and establish your plan of action.

This whole thing about people feeling too ashamed to admit that they're being treated unfairly, is exactly why so many people out there are stuck in abusive relationships. They think that somehow it's their own fault and it takes a long time before they seek help. It's not right.

 

[1BlackSheep]

My opinion? Cry when you're sad, smile when you're happy, and if you're the victim of some kind of injustice at any point, then acknowledge how unfair it is, curse whoever's done it, but then try and establish your plan of action.

I'm with you on that! Wise words as always, Twiggle!

 

[bcsr]

I think people give up too easily because it makes people feel complacent. It is much easy to accept the way things are (or make excuses to justify indifference) than to actually try. Some things you cant change - but with enough force and enough desire, the likelihood of that change increases.
I am probably the only one on the forum who believes this. If someone hurts you or you are treated unfairly by the powers that be - then is it not sensible to not only vent, but use that dissatisfaction and despondency as a motivating force to make things right?

Say I'm hiring for a job, and you interview for it. But I have a friend who is also interviewing, so I hire him. It's not fair, but what are you going to do about it? Nothing. Fact is, some things are beyond our control.

Constantly complaining serves no useful purpose. This world doesn't owe anyone anything. If you want something, go get it.

 

[Lea]

Say I'm hiring for a job, and you interview for it. But I have a friend who is also interviewing, so I hire him. It's not fair, but what are you going to do about it? Nothing. Fact is, some things are beyond our control.

Constantly complaining serves no useful purpose. This world doesn't owe anyone anything. If you want something, go get it.

True, a lot of these things are things that can´t be changed and it´s counterproductive to keep banging our head into wall because of it.. they need to be let go. This is different to things we CAN do something about, like for example when the employer refuses to pay us. In these cases usually I don´t just let go and pardon them. I think here the correct thing is not give up and take it to the court if necessary, because if we don´t they will only continue doing it to other people as well. So I feel like it´s not morally right.

Then there are cases when for example a friend treats you unfairly, what are you going to do about it, take a gun and shoot him? Eye for eye, justice at all costs, every hair must be repaid? What about forgiving.. is it wrong to forgive?

 

[MrSunday]

Angry, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, insulted or a sense of personal injustice.

I am just wondering where the boundary of acknowledging that sometimes bad things happen and that some things are out of our control - and when it is deemed acceptable to complain, feel hurt and to feel like you have been treated unfairly.

Sometimes I feel with people that every time I am hurt or I feel sad or that I am pissed about something that it is NOT OK to feel these emotions and to simply accept them because that is merely the way life is.

I on the other hand feel the opposite - I think it is healthy to feel anger or disdain or dissatisfaction or disappointed at the cards life throws at you.

So where is the line? and why is that there seems to be a sense of absolute acceptance of everything?

I think it is acceptable to feel however you want to feel. When I'm angry, I grab my umbrella and hit my bed with it.

You do need to be careful. I would usually release all my emotions in private and try not to direct it at anyone. So if I'm angry, I'm not going to direct my anger at anyone else.

 

[dragonoth]

The problem with that is you can't always do something about it. For example I hate my job, but really needs money. Except for looking for other jobs what else can I do. No amount of positive thinking is going to make me like working there.

Well I guess it's just up to you to either endure it or quit it.

The main point I was bringing up was that it's not important to know where the line is for complaining and for not complaining. Nobody likes a complainer, truth be told, but everyone is a complainer anyway. Just don't drive other people down with it. And most importantly, don't drive yourself down with it. There are ways to make something unpleasant more bearable, e.g. treat yourself to your favourite snack after each hard day of work. Rewards give you something to look forward to.

 

[KiaKaha]

Say I'm hiring for a job, and you interview for it. But I have a friend who is also interviewing, so I hire him. It's not fair, but what are you going to do about it? Nothing. Fact is, some things are beyond our control.

Constantly complaining serves no useful purpose. This world doesn't owe anyone anything. If you want something, go get it.

But that is not an issue of fairness. In that example - someone has to lose out because there is only one position available. Now if you hire him because he's your friend, and for only that reason - and you have a bias towards him, then yes that is unfair - What would you do about it if YOU lost out? perhaps nothing - like you say. That's your deal - but if it was *me* then yes I would try and do something about it - but I would like to also do something about it for everyone. The fact that so many seem to accept that the world is not fair so tough deal is an interesting notion - just imagine where we would all be if everyone thought like that.

Oh well what can you do?

You say the world doesnt owe anyone anything. I say it does - I say everyone deserves basic rights to lead a dignified life - and to be granted opportunities - and if people are left behind, for whatever reason - then certain opportunities and rights should be regulated and provided.

But then of course - people only think about things like that when something directly affects them. Otherwise who cares.

My opinion? Cry when you're sad, smile when you're happy, and if you're the victim of some kind of injustice at any point, then acknowledge how unfair it is, curse whoever's done it, but then try and establish your plan of action.

Balanced - nicely put.