Whats a mom to do?

[momofsocialphopics]

I am interested in those of you with social phobia and living at your parent’s home are very helpful at home?

I have 21 year old twins that have sever social phobia and do almost nothing. I am lucky if they do the dishes every other day each. But that’s all!! Living is very expensive and at this age they should be at the very least contributing to their up keep by keeping the house "clean". Is that too much to ask?? Seriously?
When they have gone to their older sisters to stay their dad and I have cleaned up the house and miraculously it has stayed clean until they come home so I know it is them that dirty the house.

If you can not work wouldn’t you at least want to contribute in some way to the family that supports you financially and emotionally??

I am at my wits end; I am to the point of wanting to kick them out which I know will be extremely hard on them. So what do I do???

 

[Remus]

Yup kick bottom!

Social anxiety does not stop you from doing the housework, cooking, cleaning, gardening etc. infact exercise helps with the depression side of things. They sound bone idle, mind you my 18 y.o. son is the same and does not have any issues! grrr!

 

[Inspiration]

Remus is right. I do the cooking. I do the laundry. I try to kept the place as clean as i can. I'm the one with the most free time. I wish, i didn't. Maybe, until i get some job. Trying to make myself abit usefull in the mean time.

 

[Ignace]

Yeah, don't do everythnig yourself. their with 2 of them. You're alone, they can do more then you. So why would you let that go unused ? Rest more and let them do a lot more. They need to able to take care of themselves soon or late.

 

[Waybuloo]

My mum has taught me how to cook since the age of 15. I lived with my mum till I was nearly 22 and since I could, i've always done the vacuuming and laundry, shared the cooking and dishwashing. I had periods where I didn't work and my mum dished out more chores and I obeyed. In those days I'd cry everyday due to my depression and social anxiety and inbetween sobs I'd do the dishes.

Having severe SA could give them a victim syndrome that marrs their responsilities in other areas, such as keeping house.

So in a nutshell I wouldn't put up with it if I were you. I hope you think of some way to be tougher. You and their Dad should work together to enforce the rules so that they won't get away with it.

 

[seafolly]

This is an interesting question because I'm living with my parents this summer and it's extremely draining (though I would not say this is their fault). As mentioned, mental disorders can come in two's or three's and in the case of anxiety depression is a common "buddy" to the disorder. It's depression that might be hindering their productivity, not anxiety. That said, helping out around the house like putting their dishes away is not too much to ask. At all. My sister actually milks our parents' sympathy and used to get away with lying in bed all day long with her computer and never lifting a finger. For years! Parents are often afraid to say the wrong thing and that's understandable.

Here's where I'll put in my two cents as one in the position of your children. I DO get irked when they ask me to do something around the house. However! It's because I do contribute and it goes unnoticed. Nagging is irritating no matter what you do or don't have. Also, it's the only communication they'd bother to have with me. "Do this" or "don't do this" became a huge sensitive spot for me. I resented no quality communication and felt/feel my relationship with my parents is dwindling if that's all they have to say. That said my reaction was never to NOT contribute. It just made it a whole lot more stressful.

 

[EasySkankin]

Social phobia is a bitch, that's all I gotta say. Specially when accompanied by depression (which is the most likely scenario). My mom had this same problem with me. I didn't help because I didn't "want" to... I was too depressed to do anything that would cause me to feel even sadder. Do you like cleaning? NO... well for someone for depression that problem with cleaning can be 100x greater.

To be honest, it's your fault that your children are the way they are or at least you are partially responsible for it - as parents have a lot to do with how a child develops. So if you are to blamed (even partially) perhaps change yourself so you can have a positive impact on your children.

My step-father kicked me out... lived out on my own for a whole year, with no one to talk to/see and in extreme depression and financial difficulty. Sure, I eventually got back up, but "kicking me out" certainly wasn't the solution. It actually hurt my mother too... so I would say that kicking them out would be a bad idea both for you and them. But if you got no other choice, no one can blame you for doing it... dealing with children with SA is very difficult. Your kids will eventually be okay.

 

[seafolly]

To be honest, it's your fault that your children are the way they are or at least you are partially responsible for it - as parents have a lot to do with how a child develops. So if you are to blamed (even partially) perhaps change yourself so you can have a positive impact on your children.

I really have to protest to this. : / We don't know what's going on in that household. Since she just wants help around the house from her adult children I think we need to focus on how to help her see from our perspectives how that might be too much (if one's experienced it).

 

[PunkRotten]

Sounds like you are in a codependant situtation. Them being this way has nothing to do with social phobia. It has to do with them being either lazy, selfish, or inconsiderate. Its unfortunate when some people are stuck with others this way.

But I dont agree with anyone who has this attitude that parents should give them everything and are responsible for everything. Kids have to be responsible too and cut parents some slack. No matter whos to blame, it has to be put behind you and someone has to take responsibly, especially adult children. No one is holding them back. They have no excuse to blame their parents for anything if they continue to live with them and continue to blame them for not having a life.

 

[PunkRotten]

I'll agree with easyskankin partially. It could be partially your fault without realizing it. It could be from babying them, or taking responsibility for them always so they dont have to do anything. While you thought you were helping you are actually hurting. So now they have gotten used to you being their caretaker.

 

[seafolly]

I can see how it can be the parent's fault for the kids not pulling their weight, I just meant it's hard to peg a parent as the reason they're afflicted with a disabling disorder while knowing nothing about them. Allowing the behaviour, to an extent, I can see why it's a two way street. Some kids will push the envelope and see how much they can get away with, my sister as an excellent example. She's 22 and has never tidied up after herself or put her dishes in the dishwasher or...you get the idea. BUT there was a point in her life when she was cutting and generally very depressed and my parents were terrified of saying something wrong. So they allowed it. They still do, even though she's out of the woods by a long shot. She just knows she can get away with it and fully admits it.

 

[EasySkankin]

I think you guys get my point, thank you for clarifying/adding to my post. I hope the original poster understands this point and is of help to her... I wouldn't wish the conflict I had with my mother to anyone. Good luck!

 

[Pinciotti]

"The less you do, the less you want to do" applies here..

Have you expressed your expectations towards them specifically? Not just saying that they could help around..
It quickly becomes a vicious cycle when you don't have to do anything.
Maybe you could make up tasks for them and gradually add more?
And try make them see the benefits of doing chores (maybe create something similar to the 'golden star' system used on kids).
I know they are adults, but a friend of mine was away from work for 8 months because of a depression and he did nothing too. After it was time to go to work, it was really difficult for him (having used to sleeping late etc). Instead of nagging, arguing, blackmailing etc, try to have a heart-to-heart conversation about your expectations (and theirs, e.g. though they have social phobia, maybe they could try to think of some small goals for future, or something).

This is just for ideas, since it's not possible for me to understand your situation completely. Hope some of this helps! Good luck!

 

[mrb]

there just taking the mickey ........ english term your there mum not there slave , you have to lay down some ground rules .. sounds like you have to get a little tough lol

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I am interested in those of you with social phobia and living at your parent’s home are very helpful at home?

I have 21 year old twins that have sever social phobia and do almost nothing. I am lucky if they do the dishes every other day each. But that’s all!! Living is very expensive and at this age they should be at the very least contributing to their up keep by keeping the house "clean". Is that too much to ask?? Seriously?
When they have gone to their older sisters to stay their dad and I have cleaned up the house and miraculously it has stayed clean until they come home so I know it is them that dirty the house.

If you can not work wouldn’t you at least want to contribute in some way to the family that supports you financially and emotionally??

I am at my wits end; I am to the point of wanting to kick them out which I know will be extremely hard on them. So what do I do???

They're taking advantage of you, and as others have said their SP is no excuse. You need to sit them down and make it very clear that while you're not expecting them to contribute financially, you are expecting them to pull their weight in other ways. They probably won't like it, because when people have been getting away with things for a while they don't want the status quo to change, but they definitely need a wake up call.