What to do about clingy friend

[Nanita]

I have a friend who is clingy and kinda possessive. I do want to be friends with her, because I like her and we sometimes have a lot of fun.

We met in high school (more than a decade ago) and stayed in contact ever since. She has been living in our hometown ever since, whereas I have moved around and lived abroad. She has more friends than I do, but she seems to need a lot from me in our friendship. Now I live in my hometown again, and since I moved back here, she has been clingy to the point that I had to have a break away from her.

She emails or texts me several times a week. If I don´t respond the same day or the next day, she gets dissapointed and sad, and creates a lot of drama within herself and between us, sending me yet another long email, even before I have responded to the first email, asking if she she did or write something "wrong", causing me to not reply right away. This "drama" stresses me a lot. When I receive a message from her asking me if she did something wrong, I immediately feel bothered and frustrated with the communication between us, and I feel like I have to respond quickly to make her feel all right and not ignored. But when I do that, the communication feels unnatural and forced. I told her many times that she didn´t do or write anything "wrong", but I just need time to myself, and I like to take my time before I reply to any messages - I need that freedom.

I do undertand the way she feels and behaves. I have also at times felt rejected or dissapointed in friendhsips and relationships. But I don´t express it, I guess I just tell myself that I gotta relax.
So I actually told her exactly how I felt and we did have a long break where we didn´t see each other at all for 6 months, all though she send me emails and messages from time to time. I would answer about every third message or email that she send.

Recently we started having more contact again, becasue we bumped into each other at a café. We sat down and catched up and I thought, what the hell, I´ll try to start seeing her more again, so I called her the next day and we texted each other about random things.

But right now she has already emailed and texted me a lot, and I was going to reply to her today, but then she suddenly emailed me again, before I had the chance to write! This annoyed me a lot, I have to admit....and I´m starting to feel that I have to end it completely. It´s such a shame. I don´t understand why she keeps doing it, since I explained exactly how I feel.
Is my only choice really to end it?!

 

[twiggle]

I'm sure most of us with SA have probably felt a bit nervy at times when we haven't received a reply to a message we send after a couple of days, so it sounds to me like your friend probably has a bit of anxiety too and in a sense I can relate.

She needs to advocate a bit of personal responsibility though, especially since you were honest with her about your feelings before you had that long-break. She needs to realise that people have different ways of doing things and that some people simply don't like to reply to things straight away. Personally I'm like you, Nanita. I'd rather wait and take the time to write something thoughtful in reply and it gets on my nerves a bit too when people respond to long messages I send straight away as it makes me feel compelled to do the same.

All that said, I'm not sure you need to 'end it' with this friend as such. I think you just need to gently remind her of your viewpoint. She should feel relieved, in a way. She's probably like this with other people too and she needs to get out of this habit of expectation because it will only hinder her relationships. She should see you as a friend who she can relax around, who she doesn't have to worry about it if you don't reply to something a.s.a.p.

 

[ForeverTheWeirdKid]

I personally appreciate clingy people. You should keep telling her and eventually she'll come down. It takes a while for people to adjust their ways. Keep her around though, don't ened the friendship.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I feel sorry for your friend. She's very lonely. I had a childhood friend like that back in school. He had no friends except for me. And, he was the same way as your friend. But, he also had a tendency to be Psycho...things could quickly escalate into a physical fight with him. Eventually, I went to college and after found a job. He tried to get in contact with me a few times but I just ignored him. We haven't spoken for many years.
I feel bad for the guy but we're just too different and someone like him doesn't add anything positive to my life.

 

[laure15]

But right now she has already emailed and texted me a lot, and I was going to reply to her today, but then she suddenly emailed me again, before I had the chance to write! This annoyed me a lot, I have to admit....and I´m starting to feel that I have to end it completely.

I have a "friend" who's like this too. He would email me very early in the morning before I woke up, asking me to do something. And a few hours later (in the morning), he would email me again asking me the same thing, again. And he sounded frustrated because some of his emails were in all caps. It seems like he expects me to answer my emails immediately but I can't do that everyday.

I also need time to think before I crank up emails. On the other hand, my "friend" doesn't seem to care what he writes.

 

[gazelle]

I can understand that your friend is probably very insecure and that's why she's doing that, but if she's a nice person and cares about you and has tried to help you in your hard time, as mentioned before maybe you should give her another chance by reminding her how bad that behavior comes across and not end it immediately.

 

[Nanita]

I appreciate your inputs, everyone.
I will surely stay in touch with my friend, and kindly remind her that it gets too much for me when she expects so much from me. I have also decided that I will no longer reply to her messages any sooner than what feels natural for me. If that makes her dissapointed or if she accuses me of rejecting her, so be it.