What is your earliest feeling, with most impact.

[redski]

I was thinking the other day about how my SP/SA started
and was thinking back to when I was a kid.

From what I remember my earliest and the feeling that had the most
impact on me was shame or embarrassment.

Like when I could not learn something in school and the teachers started
to get frustrated. Or if I had done something wrong and a grown up
would tell me of.

The feeling of shame and embarrassment lead me, I believe, to develop a more
serious type of personality.

What about the rest of you guys?

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I think mine was always there, but I can remember it from back in preschool when I would watch all the other kids playing & be too afraid to join in. I didn't even really want to, but I didn't want to be alone either.

 

[DarkSeeker]

I can't remember it, but my guess is that it was when I got yelled at repeatedly when I was toddler every time I made a noise, and was eventually turned into a little very obedient emotional and even "sexual" slave. Though the sexual part was mostly mental and emotional rather than physical. I can only have nightmares of what these two hideous bitches (mother and grandmother) whispered me into my ears.

At any rate suffice to say that it ruins any chance I could have had at a normal life.

 

[recluse]

I was pretty much rejected and alienated as a kid....I was really quiet and due to a slight speech impediment when i did say something i was made fun of. This was catch 22 as then i was even quieter and i remember that i was described as a mute by many of the schoolkids in front of my face. I was also treated as a retard just because i was the quietest in the school.

I also would get into trouble for things i did not do in school because i was so quiet i could not defend myself so i would often get the blame for things my peers did.

One of my earliest memories was when i got lost in a theme park/fairground attraction. I remember it so vividly despite i must have only been 3 o'r 4.My hand got loose from my mothher's and the next thing i was lost in a crowd of people. Then a woman who worked in the park (luckily an honest person) asked me if i'd lost my ''mummy and daddy?'' then she brought me an ice cream and she took me to this room full of other lost kids where we watched cartoons. It felt as if i'd been lost a lifetime and i honestly thought ''this is it i'll never see my parents and sister again''.....Just then my parents turned up. Since then i've had a fear of abandonment.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

i dont blame anyone for it, and i think it was an honest mistake, but when i was very young my teachers suspected i was retarded. it wasnt low selfesteem, i thought it was a fact that i wasnt as good as everyone else. i know now i was never retarded, i was just different, but its so hard to overcome that early programming stuff, i wonder if its even possible

 

[mrb]

i dont really know , as a kid i was happy enough but age 13 ish onwards i became very shy , but i have days when i can talk to anyone , others were i feel like not talking to anyone

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I saw a lot of violence growing-up in my home, from a very young age. I'm sure it didn't help things in regard to my introversion and anxiety.

 

[Hellhound]

Fear, helplessness, wanting to hide, wanting ro run away, having my heart beating so fast it felt it was going to explode, shaking a lot and being paranoid, covering my ears in an attempt of blocking all that background noise from people screaming, crying and breaking everything. Many times I thought I was going to die. There was a lot of shame too, lots of embarrassment, guilt, wondering what's wrong with me... countless times.