Weakness

[MrJones]

Okay, so here’s my first thread. Every time I wanted to make one in the past I ended up posting it as a random thought, but here it goes.


The tiniest things can make me crumble, I’m not strong enough to face the world. And I know nothing about life, I can’t imagine how and what I’ll be in the end.

Everytime I hear something bad I automatically think it’s aimed to me. I’m just a victimist fool.

The fear of starting something new because I know I will fail, and when I do, I easily give up, always too soon.

The urge to step back after someone disagrees with me, even if I know he/she is wrong.

Not being able to stand up for myself, I can’t make myself noticed when I need to. I don’t want to.

It comes to a point that I don’t even know if it’s just that my personality is very weak or that I don’t even have one. I hate being like this, but it seems like

I think this is one of the main reasons why people don’t respect me, and one of the main reasons why I don’t respect myself.

Intentions may be good but it doesn’t matter if in the end I just give up.

It doesn’t matter if I have something to say if I can’t say it. I always have an opinion but I’m always afraid to talk, and when I do always I regret it

I have met a lot of people who are really strong inside, people who doesn’t matter how much **** life throws on them, they will stay strong and face it. Some succeed and some don’t, but it’s their personality what matters, I really admire that quality.


So I wanted to know if you think you are like this or you are a strong person. How can I change? I hate being like this, I need to change it, I need to change myself, but I have no idea how.

PS: this is one of those things that I'm scared of doing and I usually avoid, which means that I'll regret posting this. I don't want to reread it thousands of times so forgive me if I say something wrong (and I'm sure I do).

 

[planemo]

That's an excellent post Jonesy. yep i'm the same. i'm just too disturbed and sensitive to be a fully functioning person. i wish i knew how to become better in all honesty, but i really don't. sometimes being this way makes me unique and is a great plus point, most times however it's causes me (the owner) countless and quite profound difficulties. It's a curse and a blessing i suppose.

 

[Beatrice]

Oh yes, I can totally relate. This is pretty much my main issue. It's not so much getting up the courage to talk to people, or being able to speak in front of a group of people, or even sing in public. It's confrontation and assertiveness and all of that. That IS my main issue, and it has been since high school. I do have an issue with paranoia as well.

And yes, it is frustrating because although I feel on the inside that I don't want to take this crap, and that I know it's irrational, I can't just will it away (people don't seem to understand that, it's not as easy as thinking happy thoughts).

It's like it's a physical reaction that you just can't stop and can barely control. I've been able to manage it somewhat and I've been doing much better with it, but it's still a problem and when confronting someone I end up looking like a total fool, hands and voice shaking, losing my train of thought due to the adrenaline rushing through my body. It doesn't matter what I tell myself beforehand to remain calm, it doesn't matter that I think to myself, "I have a right to stand up to so and so". None of it changes that part of my brain that wants to go into overdrive fear response and paranoia. It's pretty depressing.

 

[BiWinning]

Good first thread Mr. Jones
I'm a bit like that, I am quite paranoid about what people say and what it means.

I'm sure lots of people respect you, I do!

And uhm, about the bit on 'changing' I guess you have to start with respecting yourself, then maybe you'll be more confident.

 

[goldatom]

Well all of us probably are like this, or we wouldn't be here. As for changing it, I don't know for sure, and I increasingly don't care.

 

[Insane1]

You know my life story...

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Okay, so here’s my first thread. Every time I wanted to make one in the past I ended up posting it as a random thought, but here it goes.


The tiniest things can make me crumble, I’m not strong enough to face the world. And I know nothing about life, I can’t imagine how and what I’ll be in the end.

Everytime I hear something bad I automatically think it’s aimed to me. I’m just a victimist fool.

The fear of starting something new because I know I will fail, and when I do, I easily give up, always too soon.

The urge to step back after someone disagrees with me, even if I know he/she is wrong.

Not being able to stand up for myself, I can’t make myself noticed when I need to. I don’t want to.

It comes to a point that I don’t even know if it’s just that my personality is very weak or that I don’t even have one. I hate being like this, but it seems like

I think this is one of the main reasons why people don’t respect me, and one of the main reasons why I don’t respect myself.

Intentions may be good but it doesn’t matter if in the end I just give up.

It doesn’t matter if I have something to say if I can’t say it. I always have an opinion but I’m always afraid to talk, and when I do always I regret it

I have met a lot of people who are really strong inside, people who doesn’t matter how much **** life throws on them, they will stay strong and face it. Some succeed and some don’t, but it’s their personality what matters, I really admire that quality.


So I wanted to know if you think you are like this or you are a strong person. How can I change? I hate being like this, I need to change it, I need to change myself, but I have no idea how.

PS: this is one of those things that I'm scared of doing and I usually avoid, which means that I'll regret posting this. I don't want to reread it thousands of times so forgive me if I say something wrong (and I'm sure I do).

Well, you realize your weakness and can admit to it, which means that you do have strength in you and a lot more than you would think. It takes a lot to face one's own insecurities and weaknesses and more to readily admit it, so kudos!

Well, it seems that your main problem is overthinking, so maybe, when you're being assaulted by those negative thoughts, switch your thoughts to something else. When you feel the fear and want to back down, then force yourself to stay. No matter how you look, just stand your ground and fight the tide. If someone calls you out on being afraid, then admit that you are scared but also admit that you won't back down. As for fear of failure, try to get used to the feeling. You're not going to exceed in everything, so accept that you're going to fail. But, failure is one chance and so is success, so try to cultivate a risk-taking personality to fight that fear.
Your courage and bravery are like a muscle; you can't start out doing heavy things, instead, you have to work you way up from the small things. The more you fight your small fears, the more courage you get and, consequently, the easier it becomes to fight the big things!

 

[MrJones]

Thank you everyone for taking your time on reading this and for your replies.

I think that most of the things that could solve this problem are way too difficult for me right now, I know I could, but it seems like I can't.

I know not everyone here is weak, I know some people myself that are very strong, actually. Trying and failing doesn't make you weak, not if you try your best, even if you don't succeed.

And believe me, I've experienced blatant judgement from others thousands of times, but I think that the worst part is my own judgement.


Step by step.... but the first step is already too high right now...

 

[twiggle]

You should make more threads, Jonesy

I get how you feel. I empathise completely, and I wish I could offer some really helpful advice but to be honest I struggle with the same thing.

However, what I believe may help... and the method I'm currently trying.... is just to take more risks. Try the things you are scared of doing. Stand up for yourself, try those new things you think of doing, say whatever it is you want to say. Accept that things won't always go the way you hope - they don't for anybody - but the important thing is that you get into the routine of trying.

I think in life we can only make our own luck. The more attempts you make, the more you'll improve and the more you'll increase your chances of getting that confidence which you need. Just trying alone, and knowing you're not letting the anxiety dictate your every moment, will give you the encouragement to know that you're not weak - you are stronger just for trying.

 

[mikebird]

This is new to me, but...!

Once again, something new rears its head on this site! Some failings of myself which are kind of hidden, and I never recognised. I have mentally brushed-over and ignored my failings - that's the nature of my SA. I have lived a good 20 years, plus, dealing with what's wrong and not admitting it to myself.

Worst is just not linking with people's conversational threads - no idea what they're on about. Loud environments, typically a bar. Many people gathered round a table is far too much overload for me to make sense of. I sidestep the issue / topic, by buying a round and asking what they want - shouting loud. How can that ever fail? Usually the response is a quick inquisitive glance from everyone, and then they just continue chattering and shouting as usual.

In an office chat, between many people, is almost exactly the same situation, just not with drinks.

I used to feel deaf - socially deaf? Can't grasp the topic. In both scenarios, I try to add a comment or to start a new subject. Sometimes successful, receiving good response - humour, and respect, but often it just doesn't get accepted.

Everything is a different world with one-to-one chat. Perfect

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

PS: this is one of those things that I'm scared of doing and I usually avoid, which means that I'll regret posting this. I don't want to reread it thousands of times so forgive me if I say something wrong (and I'm sure I do).

It doesn’t matter if I have something to say if I can’t say it. I always have an opinion but I’m always afraid to talk, and when I do always I regret it

I know what you mean. I am always editing my posts and it can be so draining. In real life it is the same thing. I think about what I am gonna say for too long and by the time I am ready with a response it is too late. This is something I am working on. I want to get in the habit of just saying whatever comes to mind; and here, if I write something I won't delete it like I am tempted to but will hit "submit reply." What I have to say matters. What you have to say matters. We have the right to express ourselves and we must.

I am glad you posted this thread though 'cause I can relate so much. I often wonder if this is who I am, if this is my personality, or if the SA (or other disorder) is poisoning it for the time being. I like to think this is not me, and that my true self will emerge once I start getting better.

The first step is truly the most intimidating. I don't know the particulars about your situation, but for me it was taking the bus. Because I don't drive and have nowhere to go, I am house bound most of the time. I knew that I'd need to cope with taking the bus to get around. That was step one. It took many little steps to actually get on that bus. I had to check for the time it went by; collect enough change for fare; get out of the house; walk the block and a half to the bus stop and wait there for ten minutes; then get on the bus (I am leaving out the whole getting myself and my bag ready and finding a "destination" to head to). At each mini step I experienced nerves. I kept repeating to myself "baby steps" to get through it. I did this twice in one week. Now I can see myself taking the bus for errands and more. It has given me back a little bit of that freedom I had lost. There are many more steps to come, huge ones, and I will get to them little by little. The key is just to keep moving. Find that one step you have been dreading to take and work on taking it.

 

[Predacon]

Good post, heavens knows I can relate to much of it.

 

[coyote]

Tao Te Ching, Chapter 76:

Men are born soft and supple;
dead, they are stiff and hard.
Plants are born tender and pliant;
dead, they are brittle and dry.

Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible
is a disciple of death.
Whoever is soft and yielding
is a disciple of life.

The hard and stiff will be broken.
The soft and supple will prevail.

.................................

 

[Beatrice]

.................................

Wasn't he referring to being stiff in nature, not able to adapt, and unyielding? You have to be able to roll with the punches. I wouldn't think he meant have a soft personality....... Just my take on it though.

 

[coyote]

Wasn't he referring to being stiff in nature, not able to adapt, and unyielding? You have to be able to roll with the punches. I wouldn't think he meant have a soft personality....... Just my take on it though.

that's the beauty of the Tao te Ching - it can be interpreted in many different ways

sometimes the things we think are weaknesses are really our strengths

if they're used in a positive way

 

[MrJones]

So today I tried to try those news things, and for new things I mean trying to answer questions in class (and I knew them perfectly), trying to talk without being ashamed of myself, without stepping back, trying to be confident... and it all failed.

That's what I meant. I'm weak because I know I have to do those thing, they aren't that hard, I could do them if I tried, but I don't even try. Those who try ARE strong, but not me. I know the problem but I can't solve it. I know we're all different and we have different fears, but this is reaching a point when it is just stupid.

Thanks coyote for sharing. I think that it could work if it was weakness as being soft or too sensitive. My problem is more about absolute lack of confidence, will power, being completely unable to do the easiest things or any kind of positive input. I'm not sure how to make something good from that...



And congratulations, razzle dazzle rose

 

[twiggle]

So today I tried to try those news things, and for new things I mean trying to answer questions in class (and I knew them perfectly), trying to talk without being ashamed of myself, without stepping back, trying to be confident... and it all failed.

That's what I meant. I'm weak because I know I have to do those thing, they aren't that hard, I could do them if I tried, but I don't even try. Those who try ARE strong, but not me. I know the problem but I can't solve it. I know we're all different and we have different fears, but this is reaching a point when it is just stupid.

Don't expect instant results - you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment. It takes time and practise. The importance of trying is that it gets you used to doing the things you fear. So it didn't go too well today - so what? You can handle that disappointment.

The more and more you do it, the less disappointed you'll feel if it doesn't go to plan, but at the same time, the more you'll be beating that anxiety and the better you'll become at the things you're scared of doing!

The key is to keep on going, keep on trying. Just be patient

 

[Beatrice]

Don't expect instant results - you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment. It takes time and practise. The importance of trying is that it gets you used to doing the things you fear. So it didn't go too well today - so what? You can handle that disappointment.

The more and more you do it, the less disappointed you'll feel if it doesn't go to plan, but at the same time, the more you'll be beating that anxiety and the better you'll become at the things you're scared of doing!

The key is to keep on going, keep on trying. Just be patient

Yeah, I used to beat myself up if it didn't go the way I had envisioned it, but I realized that at least I was making an attempt! That's the first step! And now I'm easier on myself because I have a disorder, it's not like I'm just a weak-willed person (because I'm not...... just ask my mother :.

Sometimes it goes well, and I'm happy, sometimes not so well, and yes, it hurts. But I just keep picking myself up and moving on, learning from every experience and still trying to understand just what it is that makes me feel this way.

I've improved a lot, and I used to be REALLY REALLY SHY. Like, didn't talk to ANYONE. I'm not sure how you were in your early school years, but if you were as shy as I am....... well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is hope

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

So I wanted to know if you think you are like this or you are a strong person. How can I change? I hate being like this, I need to change it, I need to change myself, but I have no idea how.

PS: this is one of those things that I'm scared of doing and I usually avoid, which means that I'll regret posting this. I don't want to reread it thousands of times so forgive me if I say something wrong (and I'm sure I do).

I think firstly, you need to educate yourself.
Things are happening all over the world-- terrible things; wonderful things, scary things and beautiful things.
Perhaps knowing a bit more about what's going on and seeing what's happening will help you to feel more 'worldly'.

I don't know about getting stronger though.
People tell me I'm strong but I'm as weak and flimsy as a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
In order to be able to handle all the knocks life gives you-- you have to experience them... so sheltering yourself and not living won't make you stronger.
Only going out, making mistakes- getting knocked down and starting over again will.

That's all easier said than done, though.
The point is... you want change-- and if you want it bad enough, maybe it'll be enough for you to actually go out and make that change?

 

[MrJones]

Thank you, I guess you're all right, now I have to try those things and not give up before I start...

And I think the first step now should be to stop complaining and start acting.