Undeserving of Love and Encouragement.

[LadyWench]

I was just wondering if anyone here ever feels undeserving of love, positive attention, encouragement, and all of those other wonderful things. I feel this way all the time. I have a very close friend, Jessica, that lives in Tennessee. We met online a few years ago. She came to visit me for a week back in 2008. We're hoping to have another meet-up sometime in the future. Anyway, she's always telling me how much she loves me and genuinely believes in me. She thinks I can overcome all of my mental obstacles. I don't, though. I wish I could believe her, but I just...don't. That isn't my problem, though. As much as I appreciate her being there for me and having confidence in me, I can't help but think I don't deserve her nice and encouraging words.

Also, I got my blood drawn for the first time the other day at the doctor's office. My therapist went with me. I've been putting this off for a couple of years, out of fear of the results and stuff. They want to check my hormone levels and thyroid. I'm terrified of the results. I can't really even sleep because I'm so scared that something is terribly wrong. Anyway, when I was getting my blood drawn, the doctor, my therapist, and the two nurses there were just amazing to me. They were holding my hands, trying to distract my mind (I was actively having a full-blown panic attack while lying there) and talking to me. I was shocked and it just felt nice to be treated that way. I usually just get dumped on by my mother, so this was unusual for me. But in a good way. Then when it was all over with, they were telling me how big of a step this was for me, how proud they were, yadda yadda. It felt great. I felt like I really connected with my new doctor. She was awesome. I felt genuinity from her.

However, after the excitement of me finally getting this done faded, I started to feel extremely depressed. I kept thinking how undeserving I was of such great treatment. I felt like I deserve to be treated like sh*t. No, I'm not a masochist. I don't WANT to be treated poorly, I just feel like that's what I truly deserve. I guess it's all part of my depression, low self-esteem and wonderful self-deprecation.

I also end up feeling this way around Christmas and my birthday, when I'm "supposed" to get presents. I don't think I deserve any of them. Yet, for some reason, I feel like I need to buy everyone something for Christmas. And treat them like royalty on their birthdays. It's just different with myself. I don't think I should be celebrated, or receive gifts. I'm a pretty crappy person.
I'm sorry this is so long and lame. I'm just wondering if any of you guys ever experience this feeling.

 

[Uber Schnitzel]

I have felt like this in the past, when I was a lot younger. Especially around xmas time and even more so on birthdays when there's more focus on "you" and almost a pressure there. I didn't feel it to the extent that you are though and I genuinely feel for you.
The reason your doctor was proud of you is because it sounds like it was a big step, and you should celebrate all you successes.
The way I've looked at it is there are some genuinely horrible people out there that despite all their flaws and the terrible things they did, were still loved, and if they deserved it then I (and you) deserve some of it too.

 

[LadyWench]

I have felt like this in the past, when I was a lot younger. Especially around xmas time and even more so on birthdays when there's more focus on "you" and almost a pressure there. I didn't feel it to the extent that you are though and I genuinely feel for you.
The reason your doctor was proud of you is because it sounds like it was a big step, and you should celebrate all you successes.
The way I've looked at it is there are some genuinely horrible people out there that despite all their flaws and the terrible things they did, were still loved, and if they deserved it then I (and you) deserve some of it too.

Thank you. I really appreciate your input. And I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one that's gone through this. You're right, if horrible people have been loved, why not people like us, too? Something I should definitely take into consideration.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I can't really even sleep because I'm so scared that something is terribly wrong.

Thyroid problems aren't really that big a deal so long as they're properly treated. I don't even have a thyroid gland anymore, and the solution is one little pill a day that has no side effects.

I usually just get dumped on by my mother, so this was unusual for me.

Nothing is more damaging than a defective mother, and it sounds like maybe yours qualifies.

I guess it's all part of my depression, low self-esteem and wonderful self-deprecation.

Bingo! Your rational mind already knows the answers, ayup. Getting your emotions to catch up is a bitch though, isn't it.

I'm just wondering if any of you guys ever experience this feeling.

Yep, been there on all counts. I'm just not as bad as I used to be.

 

[LadyWench]

Thank you so much, Nathaniel. I really liked your post. I believe my mother has borderline personality disorder, which has definitely affected my life. She of course denies this, so she refuses to get counseling. It just gets worse and worse over time. She was actually pissed at me because my therapist went with me to get my blood drawn, and she didn't. I told her I wanted her there, but I don't regret having my therapist there. She now believes that I don't want or need her anymore. No matter how many times I've reassured her that isn't the case, she won't listen. I imagine her behavior and attitude have made a pretty big impact on my issues. I can't fully blame them on her, but still. It's a little depressing.

I have many symptoms of having hypothyroidism. I realize that isn't a big deal. Like you said, just one little pill every day can fix it. And I'm fine with that. I think I'm more afraid of them telling me something else is wrong. Not just a thyroid issue or a hormonal imbalance. Maybe I've got cancer or diabetes. They're doing a CBC, and I'm scared that my white blood cells will be off the charts, therefore showing I could have leukemia. Fun stuff! I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

So, yes. Anyway. Thanks for responding. Once again, it's nice to know I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way about feeling undeserving and such. Wow, this is long.