Trust Issues and Intimacy Hang-Ups

[this_portrait]

I think I have both of those.

And I think they may have just driven this guy away from me.

I'm finding that I'm afraid to open up when it comes to dating, because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I told this guy I'm dating that, and I don't think he was too happy with it. He thought it was "b/s" because "if you really like someone, that shouldn't matter."

I'm now starting to question whether I should even be dating in general. I think I still have unresolved issues stemming from my last relationship that I need to work on. I figured that I was 100% past every bit of it, but unfortunately my past experiences seem to be negatively affecting the way I interact with guys I go on dates with.

Maybe I should discuss this with my therapist next weekend when I see her. I was tempted to call her a moment ago, but didn't.

-sigh- Sometimes I wonder if I should just have friends and not date until I become more comfortable around people in general. It seems like the better option at this point.

 

[this_portrait]

Eh, I should also mention that before he mentioned the part about it being "b/s," he said something along the lines of, "I don't know, since you choose to admit that, I think I'm done."

Honestly, I think part of me was kinda hoping this would happen because I kept thinking this was all too good to be true. When I was talking to him earlier, I started thinking about the downward spiral I went through after my ex broke up with me, and I'm terrified of going through that again. I don't want to become attached again only for things to blow up in my face.

 

[coyote]

...He thought it was "b/s" because "if you really like someone, that shouldn't matter."...

seems to me that if HE really liked YOU, then he would try to be more patient and understanding with your issues

 

[this_portrait]

Seems like every time I'm actively looking for a relationship, I run into problems. At one point I quit, and poof! my ex came along.

I'm also starting to question the whole online dating thing again as well...

 

[Silatuyok]

Eh, I should also mention that before he mentioned the part about it being "b/s," he said something along the lines of, "I don't know, since you choose to admit that, I think I'm done."

Geeez. Maybe you don't trust the guy because he says things like THAT. If he's not willing to stick around and try to work things through with you, then he doesn't deserve any trust you choose to put in him. In fact, it's probably better in the long run that you don't, because it sounds like he wouldn't cherish that trust and return it.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm now starting to question whether I should even be dating in general. I think I still have unresolved issues stemming from my last relationship that I need to work on. I figured that I was 100% past every bit of it, but unfortunately my past experiences seem to be negatively affecting the way I interact with guys I go on dates with.

What do you think you need to do to resume dating comfortably again?

Having trust issues is not going to help you out in terms of dating and if you can resolve those, that would go a very long way in being able to open up again to men and start trusting relationships. Maybe he was scared off because you basically admitted that you don't trust him (I would hate to hear that, too). It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, but maybe he hasn't, either.

I have a fear of intimacy and some trust myself but you're at least getting yourself out there and giving it a go despite still having some hang-ups regarding your ex. The more dates you go on, the more practice you'll accrue, and the more comfortable and trusting you'll be around other men. You're doing the right thing.

 

[this_portrait]

What do you think you need to do to resume dating comfortably again?

I honestly don't know. That's why I need to talk to my therapist about it.

This guy started being kinda physical (hand holding, kissing on the cheek, and hugging). He wanted me to kiss him on the cheek, which I did but I felt really awkward doing it. Seems like a lot of guys want to rush into physical stuff, which frustrates me because I don't. Why can't it wait 'til we're not close to strangers to each other?

 

[MikeyC]

I honestly don't know. That's why I need to talk to my therapist about it.

This guy started being kinda physical (hand holding, kissing on the cheek, and hugging). He wanted me to kiss him on the cheek, which I did but I felt really awkward doing it. Seems like a lot of guys want to rush into physical stuff, which frustrates me because I don't. Why can't it wait 'til we're not close to strangers to each other?

Guys like the physical side of it, to be fair. Did you say you were not comfortable with being physical that early? If it was awkward for you, it's definitely something to tell him.

I don't think you not liking physicality early is wrong, but I don't think him holding your hand or hugging you is wrong, either. It's best to talk to each other about how slow or fast you want to go and meeting in the middle.

 

[this_portrait]

Guys like the physical side of it, to be fair. Did you say you were not comfortable with being physical that early? If it was awkward for you, it's definitely something to tell him.

I don't think you not liking physicality early is wrong, but I don't think him holding your hand or hugging you is wrong, either. It's best to talk to each other about how slow or fast you want to go and meeting in the middle.

The hugging and hand-holding didn't bother me as much as the kissing did. At one point I didn't even mind him subtly kissing me on the cheek, but he wanted me to reciprocate, which I ultimately ended up feeling uncomfortable with. This happened just a couple days ago, before I told him I was afraid to open up.

Oh, I'm pretty sure he knew it was awkward for me. I had a hard time even trying it and kept laughing and looking away. I ended up trying 3 times, which felt even more awkward.

 

[MikeyC]

The hugging and hand-holding didn't bother me as much as the kissing did. At one point I didn't even mind him subtly kissing me on the cheek, but he wanted me to reciprocate, which I ultimately ended up feeling uncomfortable with. This happened just a couple days ago, before I told him I was afraid to open up.

Oh, I'm pretty sure he knew it was awkward for me. I had a hard time even trying it and kept laughing and looking away. I ended up trying 3 times, which felt even more awkward.

If you felt uncomfortable reciprocating, it's something you have to bring up because he can feel unwanted. You did do that so that's good.

Maybe he was afraid or wary of your awkwardness, which is why he wanted to stop seeing you. I'm an outsider so I'm only guessing, but it doesn't make it easy for you. I guess just try to take the good parts from the dates and take it as a leaning process for future dates.

 

[this_portrait]

This whole thing has prompted me to change some things around on my e-dating profiles.

I don't like that I have to wait an entire week to talk to my therapist about this stuff, but at the same time I don't want to call her before then.

Been thinking about a few things right now. I'm starting to think that young society expects me to be obligated to dish out sex and physical intimacy, since hooking up and rushing into relationships are so common amongst my age group. I don't feel obligated one bit, though. Those are things I feel should be EARNED, not THROWN AROUND. On the other hand, I wonder if my choosing to have a guy earn these things from me is preventing me from finding a relationship (though really, I don't think highly of any guy who would just expect that from me). The more I think about it, the more cynical I start to feel, so I think I'm just going to switch off my thoughts.

 

[Iluv]

Those are things I feel should be EARNED, not THROWN AROUND. On the other hand, I wonder if my choosing to have a guy earn these things from me is preventing me from finding a relationship (though really, I don't think highly of any guy who would just expect that from me). The more I think about it, the more cynical I start to feel, so I think I'm just going to switch off my thoughts.

I can relate to the earning part, and I think you are right. If he really likes you, genuinely, then he should respect how you approach certain steps in a relationship. Good luck with your therapy too, btw.

 

[MikeyC]

Been thinking about a few things right now. I'm starting to think that young society expects me to be obligated to dish out sex and physical intimacy, since hooking up and rushing into relationships are so common amongst my age group. I don't feel obligated one bit, though. Those are things I feel should be EARNED, not THROWN AROUND. On the other hand, I wonder if my choosing to have a guy earn these things from me is preventing me from finding a relationship (though really, I don't think highly of any guy who would just expect that from me). The more I think about it, the more cynical I start to feel, so I think I'm just going to switch off my thoughts.

Sorry if I'm a broken record but I think that neither you nor him have done anything wrong. You're just more reluctant to be physical, but others aren't. You will find someone who will like you enough to wait.