Trouble saying no

[nopark]

Do you ever have trouble saying "no" to things? Or declining offers?

I always try to make everyone comfortable all the time. If someone just made a fool of themselves, I'll change the subject to take the heat off of them. If someone tells a joke, I'll laugh heartily even if it wasn't funny. If two people are in an argument, I'll try to lighten the mood. Etc.

And if someone asks me to do something, I have trouble saying no. It feels like saying no infringes on that instinct to be agreeable and happy and easy.

Today my sisters boyfriend asked me about moving out of my apartment to live at his house with them. He says we could both save some money. And the whole conversation I just smiled and nodded and made noncommittal sounds at all the right times. I told him it's "something to think about."

But he went on and on and on (he's a discursive fellow) and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the decision is a no brainer: No way!

So I'm sitting here after and thinking that I've buried myself into a hole a bit, making it seem like I was interested in his offer. I'm just going to look like an idiot later. Not to mention being just a big waste of time.

All could have been easily avoided if I told him the truth right away.

 

[dooby-duck]

Yes I find that I try to please people and keep the peace. I would bend over backwards to help someone most of the time. But being very avoidant I think that helps to balance out the need to please people all the time. If I don't think I can handle the situation this avoidant streak makes me get out of it.

 

[AimeeSP]

I am the exact same always 'people pleasing' because i hate letting people down. If i let someone down i feel absoloutly terrible. ::

Remember that being nice and agreeable is not as important as being kind, and although the word 'no' doesn't seem like a 'nice' word, it is necessary. Get it out of your head that you must be agreeable at all times. You have to think of yourself as well because your feelings and desires are important too. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, which is a great thing, but kind and agreeable are not the same thing. Just practice saying, "no, thanks". At first it will seem awkward and you might even come across as though you don't mean it, you may even feel a little guilty, but eventually it will get easier and easier, and you will respect yourself more for it.

I agree with serafina.

Maybe have a look at doing some assertiveness classes? I've noticed colleges seem to do them part time. Might take some up myself!

 

[FOR REAL]

Do you ever have trouble saying "no" to things? Or declining offers?

I always try to make everyone comfortable all the time. If someone just made a fool of themselves, I'll change the subject to take the heat off of them.QUOTE]

that is a really great tallent and a great way of thinking, cause it means that you care about other peoples feelings

as for saying 'no', when i say no i mean no, cause lifes to short to be doing things you dont want to do

 

[Krista]

All the time, it's frustrating and usually only with certain people. Funny how I can tell most people off but when it comes to certain individuals I fold like a deck of cards : / My Aunt says that I need to be more assertive with them, like I am with most people but I hate getting others angry with me. I will please them before I please myself.

 

[BlueDays]

I had a big problem with this when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I find it easier to politely say no to people. Well at least people that you know are using/abusing you.

 

[Eam]

Absolutely, in fact only recently I had to try and fix something I agreed to which I didn't want. I did it by email which admittedly was a bit cheap of me.

 

[ashley90]

i was just thinking about this like 10 minutes ago.
its always so hard for me to say no because i have a fear that everyone will get mad at me or hate me. ugh

 

[What happened? Life]

I rather see this as you having a blessed personality. Life for everyone would be much easier if there were more people like you.

The problem is keep away others who trying to use this to own advantage. You have been polite. Next time you may say "Thank you for thinking of me, but no. I don't feel comfortable." or something like that.

And try to surround yourself by people who are not making you feel uncomfortable.

 

[nopark]

My mom calls me a sucker lol.

Anyway -- I told him I plan on moving back to my hometown soon (true!), so that was an easy out. It was a little awkward, but it wasn't so bad. I was just over-stressing as usual.

 

[iamthenra]

Do you ever have trouble saying "no" to things? Or declining offers?

I always try to make everyone comfortable all the time. If someone just made a fool of themselves, I'll change the subject to take the heat off of them. If someone tells a joke, I'll laugh heartily even if it wasn't funny. If two people are in an argument, I'll try to lighten the mood. Etc.

And if someone asks me to do something, I have trouble saying no. It feels like saying no infringes on that instinct to be agreeable and happy and easy.

Today my sisters boyfriend asked me about moving out of my apartment to live at his house with them. He says we could both save some money. And the whole conversation I just smiled and nodded and made noncommittal sounds at all the right times. I told him it's "something to think about."

But he went on and on and on (he's a discursive fellow) and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the decision is a no brainer: No way!

So I'm sitting here after and thinking that I've buried myself into a hole a bit, making it seem like I was interested in his offer. I'm just going to look like an idiot later. Not to mention being just a big waste of time.

All could have been easily avoided if I told him the truth right away.

OMG!!! I could have wrote that... I am a yes man all the way. Even when I have no time to do something, I will say yes to it because I hate confrontation. I can't say no to anyone it seems... That gets me into trouble at times.

 

[spider04]

Just say NO if you have to and tell them a reason for it, there won't be problems.