Too tired of the S.P. I'm ready to give up

[livingdgirl07]

And yes by give up I mean get rid of myself. Dealing with my problems is exhausting and I just want to be done with it or be like a normal human being.

There may be alot of reasons why I am the way I am but they don't really matter now. What does matter is that I've been in therapy for most of my twenties and it doesn't seem to be getting better. It's ruining my life. No matter what I try to do in life I hold myself back with these ridiculous issues. This is the sickest part of social phobia..that you're aware of it, aware that you are standing in your own way but somehow you still can't fix it. With other mental illnesses, i look at people and think how lucky they are to be in denial about it-you can't be in denial about social phobia.

- People tell me I'm attractive yet I hardly ever get asked out.
- I avoid going out because I know I'll say or do something wrong or idiotic.
- I try not to talk because when i do I obsess over what I said, how I said it etc.
- When I go out I have panic attacks before, during and after
- People suggested I model so I started until I had to take pictures and then it became obvious how uncomfortable I am and it shows up as bad pictures.
- I gave up performing of any kind because I panic so badly
- I procrastinate so much that I haven't applied to grad school making even my plan b impossible to obtain.
- I no longer have health insurance so the therapist and the medication is out of pocket.
- I keep getting different medicines for every different little issue
- I shake when I speak aloud even if I don't feel nervous-my body still goes into panic mode
- I have no one to talk to about my problems with
- I'm afraid of everything social, that I'll lose my job, friends, family because of something I said wrong.

The list goes on. It's just too much. I really don't feel like dealing with it anymore and how long am I supposed to let it go on? I work with a man in his sixties who has never gotten over his and now he hangs out with his sister when he's not hiding in his bedroom. He's a brilliant writer who amounted to nothing because he was too afraid and he's socially awkward.

I will NOT still be dealing with this when I'm in my 60s-not even when I'm thirty as a matter of fact. I won't be happy wishing for the rest of my life that I could have been the person I wanted to be. I am just about done with all of this nonsense.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I can understand the frustration you feel, because I think everyone here deals with that a lot of the time. You say you want to be like a "normal human being" but what is normal? Everyone has issues and problems, whether it's SP or something else. It's easy for those of us with SP to imagine that everyone else is living some perfect life, and maybe on the surface many people might appear to be doing just that, but few if any actually are. You say that others have told you that you are attractive? Well I'll bet there are a lot of less attractive women who look at you every day and think that your looks must allow you to live a perfect life, but you know that isn't the case. The same goes for what we assume about others.

You seem to have done a good job of breaking down the ways in which SP is stopping you from living the life you want to live. Instead of looking at your SP as a single huge problem to be fixed, why not tackle each of those areas individually. Pick one, and work on ways in which you can conquer it. When you have, pick another one. Tackle your SP one issue at time. You're only in your twenties; you have time on your side.

For your own sake and for the sake of those who care about you, I hope you do try to tackle your SP, rather than giving in and getting rid of yourself.

Good luck!

And welcome to SPW!

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hi hang in there and try to remember this-

We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to rest in it and let it's searing power transform us.

Charlotte Joko Beck

 

[kihira]

...I have no one to talk to about my problems with...

Hi and welcome
SPW is an ideal place for discussing these problems. I can relate to most of what you have listed.

 

[Paahi]

Hang in there livingdgirl07
Welcome to the forum.

 

[Feathers]

Hey livingdgirl!! Welcome to SPW!

Yeah, you can totally talk about things here - there are a lot of people who will understand and relate to what you have been going through.

Okay, so the talk therapy didn't seem to help. Have you also tried the nutritional approach? EFT or TAT? Exercise and daily walks/jogs? Drama therapy? Drama classes/workshops or coaching?
What kind of therapy have you tried - CBT or other approaches? There are different kinds of therapy and also different therapists specialize for different things.. Maybe someone else could help you better... Have you tried group therapy or a support group yet?

Where I live there are day centers run by non-profit organizations, you can go there and go to talk groups (very helpful!!) or get a psychologist to help with individual talks.
Check if there's something like that in your area?
What about the phone lines to call, Befrienders or such?

You are frustrated and I hear you.

You have a job, friends and family - WOW!! That is MUCH more than some people have!! (with or without sa!!)

Yeah, you can lose them all, but people without sa can lose that all too... Life can be unpredictable sometimes...
And if you do something foolish, you'll lose them for sure - and they'll lose you - and imagine what kind of grief you would cause to them with something like suicide!!!
And maybe over something silly like food intolerance??

I totally don't trust in the whole med approach. True, it can be helpful to some people for short term (especially if they also get good eg CBT therapy or DIY therapy, like with books etc) but many people have gotten addicted to meds or got bad side effects. Even being suicidal can be a side effect!! (Google your meds+side effects!!)
Do you wish to be just another statistic on big pharma roll list??

Some people fight sa on their own, or find informal support. Ideally of people who know what they're going through... I went gluten-free and have felt better, some other people too.. Still tweaking the nutrition.. And I'm in my thirties.
I may not be a 'success' in other people's eyes, but I'm still ALIVE, living and learning.. (And that's more than some people who didn't have sa!!)
And I even have a good time, sometimes!! (Sometimes feeling rotten too, but ah that's life - other people without sa occasionally/often feel rotten too!!)

There are ups and downs, but overall I'm learning new things and shock! People even ask me out sometimes! lol (They didn't so much in my twenties, some years, lol!!)

If you're miserable about things and frown they may be afraid to ask you out cause they may think you don't like them!! Or they may have mistaken you for 'snobbish' and 'aloof' instead of shy, or thought you were too beautiful for them!!!

I know you can't instantly switch to 'happy', and you don't have to!! Just maybe surround yourself with pleasant experiences too... maybe join some interesting clubs or activities...? Some nice mildly depressed guys wish for nicely depressed girls too!! (Just check some older threads on this site!! Maybe do a search.. Though google has better search than the one on the site..)

Are you proposing anyone else who hasn't attained their dreams (yet) also commit suicide??

Performing and modelling are 'high profile' jobs and many girls dream about that, but they aren't so easy. Even if you did succeed to get beautiful pictures, there are 'issues' in the modelling world - maybe you would get an eating disorder or suffer from drug overdose or the jealousy among the girls can be very bad, and what about when you get older and the looks might not be so 'commercial' anymore?

And maybe you'd have to promote iffy bad products that are environmentally unhealthy and cause other young girls bad self-esteem?? So much fashion industry is about exploitation of workers in third world and there are toxic chemicals used and such.. There are good-looking girls who have totally BAD opinion of any beauty pageants or modelling or such!! They did some sports so maybe that helped with self-esteem a little..

Modelling has some very dark sides to it, from sexual abuse etc. Also girls can complain that other people don't take them 'seriously' and like 'meat' ('she has no brain'). I've known someone who has done quite some modelling and she wasn't very happy about it and gave it up rather soon, to be with her family and do more 'normal things'.

I photograph badly too, and people don't realise that by saying 'oh you could do modelling' they can sometimes cause very bad self-esteem... They usually just mean it as a compliment, that you look good... (when you may be full aware of your flaws, or at least I was, haha) Some people were destroyed by the modelling biz, maybe you are lucky you 'escaped'??

Very few people 'really make it' in performing too, by that I mean earn a living comfortably... You have a job, so obviously you have 'Plan C'... Maybe you just need 'Plan D' or 'Plan E'... or F, G, H.... (if you hate your job or it doesn't even enable you good health insurance?) Even some successful performers have 'Plan D's etc... Paul Newman gave tomato sauce on the market, or something like that-??

Maybe you can start with 'tomato sauce' now and get comfortable to act in your 90's, and have a blast??

The 'American Dream' of 'you can make it' is very evil and very sneaky - yeah, some people can make it, but many others do not... So are all those others 'not worth living' - this can quickly bring us to eugenics and what Hitler was doing in nazi Germany -??
I'm sure you're a nicer girl than that...

Also look at people who did make it - so many gobbled pain killers (or worse) and died, and I mean really talented good actors and actresses... or singers/musicians..
There are tons of pressure in the performing biz... Then again, there are tons of people just doing it for fun, selling CDs on CDBaby or iTunes, or having videos on YouTube...
And you can do that at any age, just for the enjoyment of it..

I really recommend you to read 'Refuse to Choose' by Barbara Sher - it's primarily for 'scanners', people interested in many things, but it's also helpful for artists who may think 'art/my dream or nothing' or such...

Try having a panic attack on purpose. It's usually difficult to have it. There are also other tips online...
See if you might be magnesium deficient, or some other vitamins/minerals, and if you can increase amount of those. (Are you maybe vegan/vegetarian? Then zinc or iron deficiency can also be a problem..) Or check if omega 3 could help..

Have you tried Toastmasters? (might wanna find someone to go with there, and to take it gradually..?)

The things you listed are maybe wishes where sa is an obstacle... Can you find a way around that? Can you do YouTube videos, for example, and 'perform' that way? (You might wanna be wise about it, considering future employers etc) Some people with seemingly quite severe sa on this site can make videos easily!!

Grad school is considered 'not so great' I hear, is it really necessary to do what you want to do? Can you do it without grad school, or something similar?

Can you talk to that man in his 60's about his life - does he regret everything or were there good moments too?

Many people in old age are lonely, even if they had families and careers before - husbands die, kids move away... people get retired etc... He's lucky to have a sister and get along with her so well they can hang out, no?

Many writers are 'messed up' too, yup (I know cause I'm one too haha) but you must understand that just the sheer act of writing is sometimes so much FUN and so pleasurable that it's totally worth it even if noone else reads it
And maybe he'll get famous after his death?? Who knows??

If he has a job then he's not so very much socially awkward either-??
Anyway, many artists and writers (or other people too) are 'socially awkward' but they can be still very sweet, dear people!!

 

[Carol]

Don't give up!!

Do you feel better when you think about killing yourself? Does it give you a sense of relief, so you can relax and feel more cheerful? If so, it sounds like you're sabotaging yourself with worries about the future. Maybe what you need is to stop thinking so far into the future, and instead take life one day at a time.

I have a magnet on my filing cabinet that says, "85% of worries never come true." Even if they did come true, most of our worries wouldn't really be as bad as we imagine. What if you lose your job? Well, lots of people have lost their jobs and survived! My husband was fired twice in the last ten years, and after the second firing he started his own business and now he loves being his own boss! Sometimes the real-life version of our worst nightmares is nothing like what we imagined, and can actually turn out to be a good thing.

Would it be possible to replace the suicide idea with something else that could function as your "light at the end of the tunnel"? Could you decide that if you're still not happy in six months, you'll move somewhere else and start a new life in another town? Or make some other drastic change, whatever works for you (not suicide!). It might help you to relax and stop fearing that every little thing you do will affect the rest of your life.

 

[Carol]

P.S. As far as procrastinating and not getting things done... I'm a terrible procrastinator too. One thing that works for me when I don't want to do something, is to set a timer and make myself work for just that amount of time. If my house is a mess, I might set a timer for 10 minutes and make myself work until the timer goes off. The job might not be FINISHED after ten minutes, but at least I've started and done SOMETHING. Would that work for you with things like applying for grad school? Set a timer for 5 minutes and see how much you can write before the timer goes off. You might find that once you've started, you want to keep going. If not, set the timer for 5 more minutes the next day! Usually the hardest part of any task is getting started.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

You have the power to change your life.

In fact, you are the only one who does.

 

[lostfocus]

I'll have to agree with you i'm not used to this isolation thing and its driving me crazy knowing that this is what i've turned out to be. Death? I don't know

 

[Minty]

Welcome to the forum. It's great to see that you're talking about your issues and reaching out. What you're feeling is horrible and it will lie to you. It will tell you you have no hope. But don't listen to it. There is hope for everyone, you just have open your eyes to it. And you're still very young.

I suggest giving up on living life solely for the purpose of doing something great, whatever that may be. Living is, in itself, great. You need to acknowledge that. Even if you never reach any of your goals, the life you will live will be worth it.

The man you work with, yeah, maybe he could have been published and could have been famous while affecting the lives of his readers in a positive way but he didn't. That doesn't lower the value of his existence. Who knows how many dreams he's conjured up in his little room. Who knows how many worlds he's visited. What I'm trying to say is sometimes we apply the wrong standards to the wrong people and to ourselves. His life may look empty and sad, and his social life obviously is, but his internal life may be rich and full of the kind of artistic wonder most would envy. And he may look sad when put in social situations where he's forced to confront that part of his life where he's failed, but have you been where he goes when he writes? That's what makes life worth living for him. And that's his standard. You just have to find your own! And I'm sure you will. Just keep searching.

 

[anuskas]

Livingdgirl I watch this video and this makes me feel I have the wrong way of understanding my own life.
YouTube - ‪LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4‬‏

 

[amnesiacinsomniac]

Well....
You must matter to yourself if you are posting this.
Yeah, it's easy to want to take the simple way out... pow blow your brains out. Done.Over.No more pain.
But somewhere inside that head of yours, you're thinking... I need help, and you post to this site, which was a smart thing for you to do.
Maybe you're thinking... Someone will talk me out of it? Someone will tell me my life will be so much better if I only do _____ .

I've been where you are now, plenty of times. The extreme of the extremes. You just want to be done, it's all too exhausting to deal with. Overwhelming and taking over your life. SP IS your life.

I'm not going to tell you something warm and fuzzy, like "Just think happy thoughts" !!! Comments like that are just irritating when life is too much.

Just know that I have, and many others here have been in the EXACT situation you are in right now. You aren't alone, all of your symptoms? Been there done those and visit them often, unfortunately.

I'm 27, had social anxiety social phobia whichever you would like to call it... for my entire life. Do I think I'm ever going to be RID of it completely? No. And my thinking otherwise is just unrealistic. I have however, found ways to minimize it.

So you say your choices are in black and white. Die or be rid of anxiety.
Well.. your anxiety can be reduced, you've chosen to come here first, so the rational part of your brain does actually want help.

Help doesn't have to come from a therapist. You'd be surprised how much help you can get here. Even coming here to vent is helpful. At least give us a chance.. what do you have to lose?

 

[Waybuloo]

You are too tired because of an conscious effort to fight it, and by having it in your mind as the central focus in your life. Try and embrace other issues, things and people, take the focus off SP. Accept that SP and it's symptoms are there and the harder you fight the more difficult it is to deal with them. Look into Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and even if you don't want to commit to any type of therapy, look into the principles as it helps you to be less hard on yourself.

I Don't think by saying that you just want to be normal you are saying 'normal' people don't have issues to deal with, I think you mean that you want to be well adjusted enough that you can at least function whilst dealing with any issues going on in your life. I certainly wish that for myself.

I am in my mid 20s but find that whilst my SP is strong as ever, it's impact on my is no longer there. Yes I may shake and not be able to reach out to people when out in public, but I no longer go home and cry. I have just come to a point where the constant negative nagging and emotional toll has tired me out and I am no longer interested in entertaining it. What used to be worse than experiencing SP was the depression and self loathing that came into my head after ruminating on an event. Now I go through events and chores even if I am a nervous wreck afterwards, but I end up getting on with more constructive things rather than to fall into the negative thinking trap. Having a child to look after has helped alot, but of course I won't tell you to do that just for the sake of SP. That is why I say shift the focus off SP, turn the spotlight off, concentrate on anything but. Even if it's not anything enjoyable. Make goals, and determination to DO them will come with the new sense of purpose.

To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I would stop seeing those therapists and stop taking those meds, because they are clearly not working for you. And without any clear diagnosis of chemical imbalance or mental illness, I am not ready for some Dr with a conflict of interest to pump pills into me and money into his picket. If you are going to spend money, find a psychiatrist to give you a diagnosis. Then you know what you are dealing with (get 2 diagnoses even). Bear in mind also sometimes pills have a negative effect on you. So they could be making you worse than otherwise. I would also not go into modelling because that is an industry notorious for destroying women's self esteem, especially for women who are insecure about their looks.

You are clearly defiant about where you don't want to end up in your 30s, your 60s. That shows you still have an opinion and dream of where you want your life to be, which means you aren't readly to give up yet. What you wrote is that if you can't have 'normalcy', you choose death, but do you not realise how black and white that sounds, how perfectionistic that is? To me, just to be able to live and breath and have a full tummy is such an immense miracle, maybe because i've seen too many horrific war footages lately that makes me hate humankind and the inequality of it all.

 

[missjesss]

You say you have done therapy and what have you learnt from it? judging by those comments you just made about yourself tells me you are ignoring the therapist or he/she is a very bad one!

Do you know psychotherapy is NOT the only form of therapy you can try, I have been in a very bad position myself probably similar to what you have described but I have come along way since then so yes it is possible!! I think the best thing for you might be to learn how to meditate, and somehow start to work on accepting yourself now and gain your confidence back ... I know panic attacks absolutely ruin any confidence you have but I can assure you you CAN overcome them I haven't gotten one in 3 years! you need to STOP ruminating over what you say in convos because that only feeds your anxiety, stop worrying what everyone thinks of you, and I really recommend you give Hypnotherapy a try it helped me through alot of s.a obstacles!!

 

[livingdgirl07]

HI R Broam! Thanks to everyone here for talking to me. It really is appreciated and helpful. I don't know that I believe that anything here can actually help but I'm still happy to hear from caring people with the same issue.

You're right about making ourselves believe that everyone else's life is perfect. I think SA does make you believe that you are the only one who is the way you are. I'm sure people have problems but they have still succeeded. In my the setting I work in-they have succeeded BIG TIME! Seeing it everyday and having to work in an environment that requires me to be sociable doesn't help my SA at all.

 

[livingdgirl07]

You say you have done therapy and what have you learnt from it? judging by those comments you just made about yourself tells me you are ignoring the therapist or he/she is a very bad one!

Do you know psychotherapy is NOT the only form of therapy you can try, I have been in a very bad position myself probably similar to what you have described but I have come along way since then so yes it is possible!! I think the best thing for you might be to learn how to meditate, and somehow start to work on accepting yourself now and gain your confidence back ... I know panic attacks absolutely ruin any confidence you have but I can assure you you CAN overcome them I haven't gotten one in 3 years! you need to STOP ruminating over what you say in convos because that only feeds your anxiety, stop worrying what everyone thinks of you, and I really recommend you give Hypnotherapy a try it helped me through alot of s.a obstacles!!

I'll tell you the worse thing about me! I have SA definitely but doctors have also said I am OCD, have performance Anxiety, severe depression, food addiction(luckily I don't gain weight-yet!) maybe even bipolar. I have done CBT, group therapy which helped short term.

I have tried meditating. If I get my hump out of my bed it may work. Most times I lay there saying I refuse to go to sleep until I meditate, and when that never happens it is finally 12am. (I get up for work at 4am) so I depress myself more because I'm a failure! The doctors are at the point where they are trying to just give me stimulants to get help get me out of the bed and off the internet!

I've talked about my childhood trauma or whatever and that hasn't helped. It made me feel good about my issues but it didn't help me change my behavior.

I set goals for myself and they don't happen. How can I do things to help my depression, OCD and SA when I procrastinate them? I say I'll run or jog-doesn't happen, I say I'll meditate-doesn't happen, there is a gym where I work for goodness sakes and I won't exercise. I try to trick myself into doing things or getting organized but I never do anything. I want to get in my bed all the time and as far away from people as possible!

To me this is not normal. I hate everything about myself and I don't know how to change it. I'm also tired of using myself as a guinea pig with all the medications.

 

[livingdgirl07]

You are too tired because of an conscious effort to fight it, and by having it in your mind as the central focus in your life. Try and embrace other issues, things and people, take the focus off SP. Accept that SP and it's symptoms are there and the harder you fight the more difficult it is to deal with them. Look into Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and even if you don't want to commit to any type of therapy, look into the principles as it helps you to be less hard on yourself.

I Don't think by saying that you just want to be normal you are saying 'normal' people don't have issues to deal with, I think you mean that you want to be well adjusted enough that you can at least function whilst dealing with any issues going on in your life. I certainly wish that for myself.

I am in my mid 20s but find that whilst my SP is strong as ever, it's impact on my is no longer there. Yes I may shake and not be able to reach out to people when out in public, but I no longer go home and cry. I have just come to a point where the constant negative nagging and emotional toll has tired me out and I am no longer interested in entertaining it. What used to be worse than experiencing SP was the depression and self loathing that came into my head after ruminating on an event. Now I go through events and chores even if I am a nervous wreck afterwards, but I end up getting on with more constructive things rather than to fall into the negative thinking trap. Having a child to look after has helped alot, but of course I won't tell you to do that just for the sake of SP. That is why I say shift the focus off SP, turn the spotlight off, concentrate on anything but. Even if it's not anything enjoyable. Make goals, and determination to DO them will come with the new sense of purpose.

To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I would stop seeing those therapists and stop taking those meds, because they are clearly not working for you. And without any clear diagnosis of chemical imbalance or mental illness, I am not ready for some Dr with a conflict of interest to pump pills into me and money into his picket. If you are going to spend money, find a psychiatrist to give you a diagnosis. Then you know what you are dealing with (get 2 diagnoses even). Bear in mind also sometimes pills have a negative effect on you. So they could be making you worse than otherwise. I would also not go into modelling because that is an industry notorious for destroying women's self esteem, especially for women who are insecure about their looks.

You are clearly defiant about where you don't want to end up in your 30s, your 60s. That shows you still have an opinion and dream of where you want your life to be, which means you aren't readly to give up yet. What you wrote is that if you can't have 'normalcy', you choose death, but do you not realise how black and white that sounds, how perfectionistic that is? To me, just to be able to live and breath and have a full tummy is such an immense miracle, maybe because i've seen too many horrific war footages lately that makes me hate humankind and the inequality of it all.

Hi Waybuloo! You definitely seem to get what's going on with me. I just want to be able to go to a grocery store, interact with the clerk and not panic five seconds later about what I did or said.

I guess it boils down to people having different ideas about what "living" actually is. The man I work with- yes he's alive and finding little happiness at times. Most of the time however, he is lonely, stressing out and obsessing about himself because his self esteem is so bad, he is incredibly paranoid (that's where his SA shows), and calls me sometimes just to talk...

My mom has been depressed on and off throughout my childhood. She would stay in bed for days or weeks sometimes just to come out and have everyone else believe her life is perfect. She also tries to blame physical illnesses rather than mental ones for her being bedridden for long periods of time. To top it all off she refuses to believe that her depression had any effect on me.

Again I WILL NOT be either of these two people. You're right I am a perfectionist and maybe perfectionism and SA just can't coexist...

 

[livingdgirl07]

Just know that I have, and many others here have been in the EXACT situation you are in right now. You aren't alone, all of your symptoms? Been there done those and visit them often, unfortunately.

I'm 27, had social anxiety social phobia whichever you would like to call it... for my entire life. Do I think I'm ever going to be RID of it completely? No. And my thinking otherwise is just unrealistic. I have however, found ways to minimize it.

Really loved and appreciated your kind words.

I would like to know how you reduced your anxiety?

 

[livingdgirl07]

I suggest giving up on living life solely for the purpose of doing something great, whatever that may be. Living is, in itself, great. You need to acknowledge that. Even if you never reach any of your goals, the life you will live will be worth it.

I try to imagine that this is true. I mean my degree is in philosophy so I try to understand it from the perspective that this is true but I can't. I don't. I am very conscious of myself and I have seen people believe whatever they want to and I just don't understand how they do it. How can I make myself believe something I don't really believe in my heart?

How is life good just because? Are you sure that's not something we tell ourselves to make it through the day? The first time I asked what the purpose of it all was I was about 10 (yeah I was a serious child: and when my parents couldn't answer they got frustrated and gave up.

When I see people just hanging out and existing-it makes me want to see the grande canyon and jump right off of it! The guy I work with isn't alive because he thinks his life is worth it-he's alive because his sister talked him out of it-because she cares and she's trying to give him something to live for! Because he's ascribed to a societal belief that he shouldn't do it but trust me, he is unhappy every single day. Why live like that?

I want a good job. I want to do more traveling. I really want kids (but you need a man for that don't you!) I don't want to wake up to a lonely bed every day, go to my crappy job and come back home and sleep like I do now and tell myself well at least I'm alive!

I respect the fact that people can see the beauty in just being alive-I also know I can't do it.