FeartheGreat
Well-known member
Hey guys. This will be my first thread on this site so I hope someone or some people take the time to read it. It might be a little long but I just really need to vent. There is just so much going on in my life right now I really need to just get it all out. I been trying to find a good website to vent and this one seems about right. But enough about that, let’s get started.
Basically my SA has pretty much butchered my life up to this point, I am now 23 years old and it’s come to the point where the consequences are getting out of hand. I desperately need/want a job. I recently got out of college and today is the day I have to start paying off my student loans. But that’s not all, I have a few outstanding bills to pay and the loan sharks keep calling me down. You can imagine what kind of trauma they are having on my social anxiety right now. But that’s STILL not all! My friends want me to go to this thing called Anime North this year. They go every year and I never been there due to financial difficulties. They desperately want me to go with them this year but I have to come up at least $250 dollars to cover the expenses. I always feel so bad for not being able to go with them year after year. Yeah at this very moment, my life is a train wreck all because I’m way too scared to get out of the house and get a job. It’s always been like this though, but so far I’ve been able to drown it all out it with A LOT of video games, music and internet usage. I am a very hardcore gamer, but it wasn’t until later that I actually realized that my SA had a large role in making me one. I used video games to constantly escape reality throughout my elementary, high school and college years, and I’m never going to stop. I don’t plan to. Only thing going to stop this dude from playing video games is death itself. But now that I’m older with more responsibilities, I can’t ignore it anymore. VG’s won’t save me now. It’s not like I don’t want a job. Believe me I want to start earning money for myself so I can buy the things I desire and be able to fund my life like everyone else, pay off everything and have no worries. But again, I am completely and utterly SA blocked. No matter how many times I say I’m going to “get a job”, I never follow through with it at all. I don’t make any moves to do so. It’s just too scary. I hate asking my parents for help because they are just awful with their money. My mother and father are both divorced from ages past. My mother has a huge gambling addiction and my father is a loser that wants very little to do with me. I hate having to ask anyone for money, especially them! But why should they support me right? They only see me as a no job having dead beat son. They have absolutely no idea of what I am going through. My mother just thinks that “choose” not to talk to people. She cannot comprehend what Social Anxiety means, or sarcasm for that matter. I have requested to see my family doctor. It’s a small step but at least it’s in the right direction. I just don’t know what to do anymore beyond that… The awful world out there is closing in on me fast and I got nowhere or no one else to turn to. If I had to put it in a short scenario, it would be like if someone threw me in a room alone to die and took away all the air in the room making me suffocate while the room was collapsing in on itself. It’s not a pretty picture.
Anyway that’s my current situation. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me and I’m afraid, so very afraid… I hope some of you can sympathize with me, if you bothered to read the whole thing. I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. I know I’m not but it feels that way, and if it feels that way then it’s going to be all that much harder. I feel like I’m going to lose everything. The scary thing is that I just might… Crawling under a rock and being forgotten for all eternity sounds more pleasant than this.
Basically my SA has pretty much butchered my life up to this point, I am now 23 years old and it’s come to the point where the consequences are getting out of hand. I desperately need/want a job. I recently got out of college and today is the day I have to start paying off my student loans. But that’s not all, I have a few outstanding bills to pay and the loan sharks keep calling me down. You can imagine what kind of trauma they are having on my social anxiety right now. But that’s STILL not all! My friends want me to go to this thing called Anime North this year. They go every year and I never been there due to financial difficulties. They desperately want me to go with them this year but I have to come up at least $250 dollars to cover the expenses. I always feel so bad for not being able to go with them year after year. Yeah at this very moment, my life is a train wreck all because I’m way too scared to get out of the house and get a job. It’s always been like this though, but so far I’ve been able to drown it all out it with A LOT of video games, music and internet usage. I am a very hardcore gamer, but it wasn’t until later that I actually realized that my SA had a large role in making me one. I used video games to constantly escape reality throughout my elementary, high school and college years, and I’m never going to stop. I don’t plan to. Only thing going to stop this dude from playing video games is death itself. But now that I’m older with more responsibilities, I can’t ignore it anymore. VG’s won’t save me now. It’s not like I don’t want a job. Believe me I want to start earning money for myself so I can buy the things I desire and be able to fund my life like everyone else, pay off everything and have no worries. But again, I am completely and utterly SA blocked. No matter how many times I say I’m going to “get a job”, I never follow through with it at all. I don’t make any moves to do so. It’s just too scary. I hate asking my parents for help because they are just awful with their money. My mother and father are both divorced from ages past. My mother has a huge gambling addiction and my father is a loser that wants very little to do with me. I hate having to ask anyone for money, especially them! But why should they support me right? They only see me as a no job having dead beat son. They have absolutely no idea of what I am going through. My mother just thinks that “choose” not to talk to people. She cannot comprehend what Social Anxiety means, or sarcasm for that matter. I have requested to see my family doctor. It’s a small step but at least it’s in the right direction. I just don’t know what to do anymore beyond that… The awful world out there is closing in on me fast and I got nowhere or no one else to turn to. If I had to put it in a short scenario, it would be like if someone threw me in a room alone to die and took away all the air in the room making me suffocate while the room was collapsing in on itself. It’s not a pretty picture.
Anyway that’s my current situation. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me and I’m afraid, so very afraid… I hope some of you can sympathize with me, if you bothered to read the whole thing. I feel like I’m beyond help at this point. I know I’m not but it feels that way, and if it feels that way then it’s going to be all that much harder. I feel like I’m going to lose everything. The scary thing is that I just might… Crawling under a rock and being forgotten for all eternity sounds more pleasant than this.
