Tired...........

[macy1990]

My story.

I am a 23 year old female, with no life. I mean no I am not a ghost, I am just existing though. My mother tells me that when I was young, I was really outgoing. She recalls
that I used to love talking to people and make friends. So why I don't remember those times? The only things that I remember are the negative times. when I was just maybe 7 years old
and children didn't want to play with me cause they said I was 'rough'. I've always been chubby. Maybe even fat if you want to call me that. and maybe that was the reason.

I used to go to dancing classes when I was 10 years old, and the choreographer used to place at the back in our dancing routine, and my Immediate reaction was 'Jesus I am so ugly, he doesn't want
me to be seen'. Being overweight didn't help either, I used to be picked on at secondary school. But I tried to suck it up and tried the 'funny' attitude'.
deep inside i've always felt unworthy and not pretty and beautiful 'enough'. I know that is stupid to judge yourself and other people about the way they 'look'. and mind you
with other people I don't do it. I just have the unfortunate habit of hating myself for everything I do. I even hate my voice.

At 16 years I started college, and I had to quit. when asked why, I replied 'oh I just didn't like the school' the truth was. My heart was racing at thought of being asked a question and having to
reply in front of a whole class. I now know that this is social phobia and to make things worse after a year I was at a concert with my cousins, and got lost in a crowd with exact the amount of
money for the bus and no mobile phone. I had to catch a bus fully packed with people, alone, with no water and a mobile phone, there I had my very first panic attack. I couldn't get out of the bus
as I had no more money to catch another one. so I had to stay there. Nowadays I can't go somewhere without water, a full charged mobile phone and extra money. I now also drive and feel more
comfortable in my car cause at least If I have a panic attack no one can see me.

I was 17 and after that day my life became a total disaster. I avoided catching buses, lifts, cinemas, going to unfamiliar places, meeting new people, and finally going out. I spent 2 years after
that at home, watching telly, sleeping and trying to find a cure for my 'thoughts' online. I couldn't even get a job as I was shy of going to interviews. Then when I was 19 I started a part time
job as waitress and you can imagine the terror I felt when I talked to customers, but somehow I managed. I even made some friends and went out a bit that summer, although at places that I knew well
and always the same negative thinking pattern and alcohol helped too, but overall it was a good summer. My personal relationships are a total disaster aswell. The few people that I dated I met them
online. and turned out to be not so great. I'm still seeing one guy, but only for sex basically he treats me like **** and I keep going. Maybe cause I'm lonley or low self esteem is the cause, and
Ater I meet him I feel even worse cause I blame myself for going back to him.

The thing is now I work full time as a clerk, I have a job. But I only go out for WORK. at weekends I'm still staying in. I still feel awkward and shy and paranoid around people. I'm still
afraid of going out and having a full blown panic attack in front of everyone and make a complete fool out of myself. I still can't face going to unfamiliar places. I still need my mom to come
with me for appointments. I still have these feelings. I still hate myself for having these feelings, and the more I hate myself the more I hate myself for hating myself. Its like I created a
prison for being me, and I can't free myself. I tried psychotherapy. didn't work. I never tried medication. I don't want to live my life depending on a pill to feel better. I thought about ending
it all, But I want to feel happy for once. I want to know what it is to feel completely 'Normal'. I want to have friends and travel and see the world and fall in love.
That is what I imagine and fantasize about when I'm at home and people are living their lives. a completely different person. I became the person that I don't want to be.

And to be honest its not the panic attacks. I just want to love and accept myself the way I am with all the sh** that I made up in my head. But it seems to be just a dream.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the loooong post!

Take care!

 

[greggy]

Hi, firstly you are not alone, I can identifiy with everything you said well apart from having a boyfriend part never had one of thoughs hehe. I feel the same, when im with one person im ok and can be myself but when im in unformilier places with people I dont know I freak out sweet cant think, I even stop being able to speak.

If you need to stay in its ok dont force yourself to do more then what you can do. And if your boyfriend is treating bad and your sure its not right for you then leave him, the right one will turn up eventually,

 

[Sial Axetder]

While Greggy is right, it is ok to stay in, unfortunately with our ailments, troubles, fights with ourselves we have to, have to, force ourselves out of our comfort zones. Fear or not we must try!

I know its hard. But look what you have done already. A job, school (even though that was too much you tried!). A job as a waitress! And you became somewhat ok with that and familiar? You can do so much more, Macy.

These negative thoughts are consuming aren't they? I struggle day in and day out. We have to fight against our natural way of thinking and keep infusing positive thoughts. Like 'I am ok, these things happen,' 'I can do it, I just have to get up and go.' Use your words of course.

It is also ok to let people in on your vulnerabilities. You will be surprised at how people settle down and give you understanding. When my mother died near a weekend, no one at work knew until I came back after the weekend and my boss asked how I was doing. He looked at me and asked 'should you be here?' Sharing you with others opens up a lot of possibilities. Opening up is one way you can help yourself to conquer your SP, SA and negative thoughts.

I'd drop this dead beat you're seeing. Keep him around for sex if you must but stand your ground. You're better than that. If he threatens to leave, let him. It would be interesting if he tries to come back to you crawling and crying.

Live your life by your rules and take chances too. Chances are what makes life exciting and leaving you feeling like you want more.

 

[1139]

Your just seeing this guy for sex? Wow I've never known of girls doing that. Perhaps he looks like a male model or something? Hmm ok, most girls are just happy with their vibrator's...

 

[Froggy246]

I can relate to all of that too, I quit a couple of college courses because the fear of having to do a presentation or speak at all in front of a group was too much to bear, I guess now it's more acceptable to speak to the teacher and see if a reasonable adjustment could be made, like speaking to a very small group or something. But yea I keep my interactions with most people to a minimum, the only person I hang out with outside of work is my boyfriend, even my mum and step dad make me uncomfortable. My life at the moment is pretty much work and home, I turn down invitations to work social events, or other invites out, usually with the excuse that I don't have any money or I'm not feeling too well. I think I'm just so scared of being rejected/disapproved of at any level that I'd just rather not take the risk.
I can loose the ability to speak as well in certain situations. My list of phobias seems to be growing too, won't go in lifts, not keen on flying, hate central locking on cars, and the other day I freaked out in some revolving doors because they stopped moving!
Yea I think trying to re program in some way is perhaps a good way out of the prison, EFT works with me but I lack will power to keep up the work. And perhaps setting small challenges and building up to bigger ones, like going to the cinema or watching a film with someone so it's not all dependent on conversation. I'm sure if we keep looking for ways out, we will make it eventually!

 

[dangermouse]

I feel the same. I feel anxiety when I around people.

 

[Rookiebatman]

I still have these feelings. I still hate myself for having these feelings, and the more I hate myself the more I hate myself for hating myself. Its like I created a
prison for being me, and I can't free myself. I tried psychotherapy. didn't work. I never tried medication. I don't want to live my life depending on a pill to feel better. I thought about ending
it all, But I want to feel happy for once. I want to know what it is to feel completely 'Normal'. I want to have friends and travel and see the world and fall in love.
That is what I imagine and fantasize about when I'm at home and people are living their lives. a completely different person. I became the person that I don't want to be.

And to be honest its not the panic attacks. I just want to love and accept myself the way I am with all the sh** that I made up in my head. But it seems to be just a dream.

This is pretty much exactly the way I feel, with the exception that I don't believe we created these prisons that we're in ourselves, it's just the curse of our genes (and our upbringing could have contributed). I feel like I'm just cursed to never really be truly ALIVE, and there's nothing I can do about that.

I really can't offer any advice, because I haven't figured anything out myself, but I wanted to say that I know just exactly how you feel.