Sorry this is like my life for 6 months so its pretty long, I'm a 14 year old male and I'm in 9th grade. If something I said doesn't make sense please tell me and I'll rephrase it. If you want you can skim through it, just read the first and last part please.
I've always been someone who doesn't like to be around a lot of people, especially outside of class. I remember when I was in elementary I wouldn't mind walking around alone or sitting down alone while everyone else was playing. I wore what my parents bought me untill 6th grade when I started wearing clothes that my sister suggested to me because it was the "style" or something then. I felt embarrased to be alone so I would be in the libary pretending to read a book or something. My grades got really bad and I stopped caring about them, I didn't care about anything anymore. Whenever I would talk to someone for a long time I would get some sort of eye strain and my mouth would hurt. In the summer after 8th grade I would never go out unless my parents would force me to. While everyone was outside I would be in my room asleep or on my computer. This is when my mood shifts started, the longest part was most of the summer when I would have anxiety and stress for no reason. Then I would cry and I didn't know what the reason was. Sometimes I sneak out at night by myself and walk around or just lay down on the grass. When high school started I would hate coming home and I got sort of excited to go to school, than after a while when it felt like the same thing everyday, moodshifts got worse. I met a girl and I difficulty talking to her. Heres something I wrote on another forum a while ago (you dont have to read it all):
I met a girl in September, it was about 2 weeks after the beginning of 9th grade. I just saw her talking to some guy and I kept looking at her, I've never felt this way until then. The next day I talked to her and asked her what her name was. I found out she likes to draw, a lot and shes good at it to. She said the characters she draws are mentally cracked (mentally retarded I guess). I didn't have much experience with talking to girls. I sat next to her in class everyday and I was always thinking about what to say next. Sometimes I would sit there the entire class wanting to say something and when I did it was something stupid. I thought maybe she didn't like me. I thought I saw her at lunch once and, turns out it wasn't her. I saw some goth kids and well, I thought one of them was her so I suddenly thought we can never be friends. I asked her where she usually was during lunch and she said outside of class. I was really nervous but I went there the day after. She was there and asked if I wanted to walk around and we did. I didn't know what to say but she talked more so I think it was okay. Suddenly I had a reason to go to school, I really was only happy when I was with her. She was only with me at lunch because her parents made her go to this school, her friends were at a different one. I was with her at lunch everyday for almost 3 weeks. I messaged her almost everyday on Facebook and when she didn't reply I felt terrible, I know its stupid. Than one day all of sudden she was absent, I thought it was because she must have been sick or something. The next day I went to where I usually found her at lunch and I saw her walking to class but with no backpack or anything. I said "You weren't here yesterday?". She said she wastransferringg schools, and I guess i just looked disappointed or something. Anyway I'm getting to the point, the next few weeks I messaged her on facebook, a lot even when didn't reply. I see pictures of her with her friends and I feel so stupid, why would she want to be my friend if she has her own. I'm not very social, I don't make many friends. She has very close friends and friends she can trust. When will I let go of this. She gave me her number on facebook, when i asked for it. She still gave me a chance even after me being such a creep. She told me to text her, so I did. I'm afraid to ask her if I could call her because I don't want to get in her way of being with her friends or something.
Heres something else I wrote on halloween (again you don't have to read the whole thing):
It's really been a pain thinking that while everyone else is having problems with friends and relationships, I'm having problems with the thought of not having friends. I have "friends" I'm with at lunch, but I don't really talk to them anymore. We don't have the same interests and I'm just with them so I won't be alone. Today is halloween, and just like last year I'm going to stay home. I want to change, I want to go out with friends. I want to have a social life and not the same **** every ******* day its driving my crazy for ***** sake. I feel like taking a hammer and smashing the walls. I'm sitting in class and I have trouble concentrating. On some days I just have my head down and not talk to anyone or do my work. This is affecting my grades, I'm passing all my classes but with 5 Cs and an A. I just can't find a purpose to do stuff anymore. Is it to late for me or what? I feel like moving far away and not coming back, I've thought about running away but it seems impossible.
Yeah, I was in a different mood when I wrote both of those so I kind of change my opinion about things depending on my mood.
Sorry this is so long
Anyway my point is, recently I've been feeling like I hate myself and theres no point in meeting people because they would not be interested in me and who I am, I wish I was like that girl and I was more social and happy about things. I wish I had different interests and a different personality. I don't tend to hate my physical features because I don't see a point in it. Everyday is the same thing I want something new like moving to a new city and going to a different school where no one knew me untill then. I feel lonely even though I avoid being with others. I'm tired of seeing my family and my supposed "friends".
I've always been someone who doesn't like to be around a lot of people, especially outside of class. I remember when I was in elementary I wouldn't mind walking around alone or sitting down alone while everyone else was playing. I wore what my parents bought me untill 6th grade when I started wearing clothes that my sister suggested to me because it was the "style" or something then. I felt embarrased to be alone so I would be in the libary pretending to read a book or something. My grades got really bad and I stopped caring about them, I didn't care about anything anymore. Whenever I would talk to someone for a long time I would get some sort of eye strain and my mouth would hurt. In the summer after 8th grade I would never go out unless my parents would force me to. While everyone was outside I would be in my room asleep or on my computer. This is when my mood shifts started, the longest part was most of the summer when I would have anxiety and stress for no reason. Then I would cry and I didn't know what the reason was. Sometimes I sneak out at night by myself and walk around or just lay down on the grass. When high school started I would hate coming home and I got sort of excited to go to school, than after a while when it felt like the same thing everyday, moodshifts got worse. I met a girl and I difficulty talking to her. Heres something I wrote on another forum a while ago (you dont have to read it all):
I met a girl in September, it was about 2 weeks after the beginning of 9th grade. I just saw her talking to some guy and I kept looking at her, I've never felt this way until then. The next day I talked to her and asked her what her name was. I found out she likes to draw, a lot and shes good at it to. She said the characters she draws are mentally cracked (mentally retarded I guess). I didn't have much experience with talking to girls. I sat next to her in class everyday and I was always thinking about what to say next. Sometimes I would sit there the entire class wanting to say something and when I did it was something stupid. I thought maybe she didn't like me. I thought I saw her at lunch once and, turns out it wasn't her. I saw some goth kids and well, I thought one of them was her so I suddenly thought we can never be friends. I asked her where she usually was during lunch and she said outside of class. I was really nervous but I went there the day after. She was there and asked if I wanted to walk around and we did. I didn't know what to say but she talked more so I think it was okay. Suddenly I had a reason to go to school, I really was only happy when I was with her. She was only with me at lunch because her parents made her go to this school, her friends were at a different one. I was with her at lunch everyday for almost 3 weeks. I messaged her almost everyday on Facebook and when she didn't reply I felt terrible, I know its stupid. Than one day all of sudden she was absent, I thought it was because she must have been sick or something. The next day I went to where I usually found her at lunch and I saw her walking to class but with no backpack or anything. I said "You weren't here yesterday?". She said she wastransferringg schools, and I guess i just looked disappointed or something. Anyway I'm getting to the point, the next few weeks I messaged her on facebook, a lot even when didn't reply. I see pictures of her with her friends and I feel so stupid, why would she want to be my friend if she has her own. I'm not very social, I don't make many friends. She has very close friends and friends she can trust. When will I let go of this. She gave me her number on facebook, when i asked for it. She still gave me a chance even after me being such a creep. She told me to text her, so I did. I'm afraid to ask her if I could call her because I don't want to get in her way of being with her friends or something.
Heres something else I wrote on halloween (again you don't have to read the whole thing):
It's really been a pain thinking that while everyone else is having problems with friends and relationships, I'm having problems with the thought of not having friends. I have "friends" I'm with at lunch, but I don't really talk to them anymore. We don't have the same interests and I'm just with them so I won't be alone. Today is halloween, and just like last year I'm going to stay home. I want to change, I want to go out with friends. I want to have a social life and not the same **** every ******* day its driving my crazy for ***** sake. I feel like taking a hammer and smashing the walls. I'm sitting in class and I have trouble concentrating. On some days I just have my head down and not talk to anyone or do my work. This is affecting my grades, I'm passing all my classes but with 5 Cs and an A. I just can't find a purpose to do stuff anymore. Is it to late for me or what? I feel like moving far away and not coming back, I've thought about running away but it seems impossible.
Yeah, I was in a different mood when I wrote both of those so I kind of change my opinion about things depending on my mood.
Sorry this is so long
Anyway my point is, recently I've been feeling like I hate myself and theres no point in meeting people because they would not be interested in me and who I am, I wish I was like that girl and I was more social and happy about things. I wish I had different interests and a different personality. I don't tend to hate my physical features because I don't see a point in it. Everyday is the same thing I want something new like moving to a new city and going to a different school where no one knew me untill then. I feel lonely even though I avoid being with others. I'm tired of seeing my family and my supposed "friends".
