thinking about it alot lately.

[no reason]

alright, ive browsed here for a while, ftr.

im sitting in bed right now, wondering whether i should off myself or not. lately its all i think about. over the past year ive slowly progressed deeper into my depression. lately my new thing is sitting in a corner and crying for a couple hours, getting up and eating and then pretending in front of my parents like nothing is wrong. so far its worked, because my dad is so preoccupied with work, and so is my step mom. ive lost all motivation to work, to go and train, to lift weights, to do any school work (cyber school), even to write my poetry or draw.

the only things that i look forward to are talking to the girl i love (lets call her jenny.), and smoking weed. smoking weed because it makes me feel alot better, but its only temporary. talking to the girl because, well, i love her. she does not know this, weve been friends for 3 years. she has been with my friend (i introduced the two) for almost a year and a half. i dont want to **** that up, i dont want her to stop talking to me or anything, so im not telling her. the only thing that makes me happy anymore is talking to her. with the exception of burning myself that is, that makes me happy too, but just cause it feels really good, so its temporary.

i used to be a good boxer, i used to be a good artist, i was apparently, as my father put it, 'a hero they say'. i dont know why, because my art work isnt good. i dont know whether these people try to just say that to give me encouragement, or cause they just want my money which i pay them for classes. i used to be able to work out for hours without problems, but now i cant complete a one hour class without being so exhausted i throw up. my grades have dropped from B's and A's and are still dropping into D's and C's. i used to care about all of this, but i just cant find the motivation for it.

it was my birthday yesterday. even jenny had to be reminded it was my birthday. she told me happy birthday, she told me she loved me (not in that way though..) and whatnot. my dad ignored me most of the day, wrapped up in his work. my mom called me, wishing me a happy birthday, but told me she had to go back to work so she hung up. my brother called me, and his girlfriend did too, wishing me a happy birthday. i have 3 brothers and i have 3 sisters. i know the only reason he called me was cause my mother or father told him he has to.

when i wrote something that admitted my feelings to jenny, admitted my depression, admitted what i do to myself, she didnt read it. i know she read it, but she didnt actually read it. she looked at the words, but she didnt read in between the lines. shes a smart girl, she writes poetry herself, so i know she could of comprehended the meaning if she took a minute to look. she couldnt of cared less, i admitted it right in front of her and she didnt care. i told her im bummed, i told her that she doesnt know how much it hurts me when i tell her i love her and she says 'liar.' she stopped that, but i still know she thinks it.

my own present to myself was jumping into a shower with nothing but hot water on, it hurt, alot, but it felt really good to. it was the first time i smiled and was happy in several weeks. before that i sat in the corner of my room curled up in a ball, wondering if i should kill myself now or wait till my birthday is over. at the end of the day i got a break, i went out to outback steakhouse and had some dinner. my dad and my step mom sang happy birthday, they didnt mean it though. my dad ignored me, he dropped me off at my art class and said he would see me later. i went to my class, i faked being happy, i told everybody how good of a day ive had, how many friends have been calling me, etc. all of 5 people told me happy birthday that day. 1 was not my family. and that was jenny. like i said, she was reminded. i told her 3 times, and she didnt care.

the only thing i look forward to in the day is actually getting to talk to jenny over the phone (moved away 2 years ago..). and even that is becoming dull. she broke my trust weeks ago, she stole my money, she claimed ignorance, she lied to my face. i dont know why she did this, i already had bad trust issues, and that put me over the edge. im skeptic of giving my dealer money because im afraid he will beat me up, even though hes a gentile guy. i dont trust anyone, my brother is an alcoholic (the one who called), my dad is a workaholic, a paranoide ocd, my mmom has to have surgery in her back, and i cant be there because of him. the only friend i have is jenny, and i know our friendship is dwindling.

honestly, i cant find the motivation to wake up and get out of bed in the morning other than afraid of being hit by my dad. fears a great motivator huh? i try to act like im alright, i tell jenny that everything is great, i tell my parents im happy, i tell my brother its going awesome, and they believe me, they dont notice anything wrong, but i know ive changed. i dont make jokes anymore, i dont smile, i dont laugh unless somebody is getting hurt.

i dont know why im telling you all this. its nearly 2 in the morning, im holding back tears, its a day after my birthday (17th). my friends dog died today, i heard from jenny. they found him in an old beat up car they use to smoke in. she said he must of snuck in when they were outside and closed the door on him. the windows were up, and he died because of the heat in the car. and while reading this, i wished it was me.

at the very end of the day, i got to stay up till 2 in the morning trying to talk somebody out of cutting themselves. i dont know why, i always want people to be happy. id sacrifice my life for jenny or anybody i lvoe to be happy. i put up walls so people wont find out im this way, if they do they would just tell me im nuts. its happened before, my friends have found out im like this (old friends, moved away.) and they laughed in my face. that was a while ago, when i was just sad. if they found out i was like THIS, what the hell would they do then?

im home alone tommorow, my father will be at work. i like those days because i can sit around and do nothing, i can sit and sulk and cry all day. no matter how much i cry its never enough.. why do i even cry?

this whole thing is scrambled all over the place. im sorry for the shitty reading. i sound like a whiny bitch, i just annoy people now. i used to make people laugh, alot, but that talent is lost now. i cant muster up the courage to talk to people anymore, im afraid they will hate me like alot of people do. i walk down the street and people look at me and yell faggot. people laugh, god, i love this city.

alright, rants over. honestly, ive tried to write that all down before, it tried to post it on here but i couldnt bring myself to it because i know people are going to flame me. only reason ive posted this is because its going to end soon, its going to end one way or another.

 

[mismeek]

Don't do it! right now youre just in a really bad place.. maybe you should talk to someone ..like jenny since shes so close to you. or maybe your parents. Regarless of if they are busy or not, they'll help you.

no one will flame you on here!

if you really need to talk you to someone can message me

 

[Scrabbl]

You're only 17.. don't lose hope yet. A lot could change. Your life could be completely different from what it is now if, for example, if you moved away from home, like to attend college in another city,... (my life did change for this reason alone, I have a lot more motivation and hope than before)

So don't think you've seen it all and don't say it all sucks. suicied should your last resort only.

Also, a lot of other sp sufferes don't even have friends, much less expect friends to support them. personally at 17 I didn't have friends. Now I do have a few but most of them are jerks.
A lot of other sp sufferers have had a lot worse experience with their parents. Mine wasn't that bad compared to some others. No divorce or violence or abuse. But my dad never cares about my birthdays either.. My parents never hug me or show physical affection either.

what i'm trying to say is that, don't feel like it's the end of the world just 'cause of this temporary downturn. You're better off than you think u r. Certainly better off than a lot of us. If you think the reason is mostly Jenny, then you jus have to accept reality and try to get over it. If you think it's purely physiological depression, then I suggest u 2 see a shrink; get some medication.

You seem to have had so much going on in your life, especially for a 17 yr old. Most of my live have been relatively empty, like as if nothing much happened. My social childhood could be summarized by 2 words: couldn't, didn't.

I'm not trying to be harsh or judgemental at all. this is intended to give u some hope and make u feel better and if it doesn't, just ignore this.

 

[no reason]

ive already acepted the reality that i cant say anything to her. ive dropped hints in hope she would catch on and confront me on it instead of the other way around. she either stops talking to me for hours when i say something i actually mmean, or she brushes it off like something unimportant.

im sorry to hear about all of your own problems and whats happened to you all. throughout my life i was told how lucky i am to have such caring parents and family, and honestly, im grateful. they raised me and did everything in there power to make shur i had everything i needed. but i dont care anymore. i used to love them, i used to care about them where i would cry thinking about something i think of that could possibly happen.

i dreamed about jenny last night, it made the dream alot better, since it was about hurting myself and busting my head open, but this only showed me how unstable i am. unfortunatly, i wont be moving away for college. i will be out of the house yes, but my dad could drive to where i would be in 15 minutes.

i dont know how many of you actually read this, but as ive said before, nobody gives a ****. jenny wont care, shes too preoccupid with her own things in her life to care. i dont want to make things rough on her anyways, shes already had such a bad life. if i made it any worse for her id never forgive myself.

im not going to kill myself today. my brother wants to have dinner with me for my birthday, ill do it after.

ps: you guys dont know how alone i really am. its like ive got negetive friends. less than one.

 

[Violaine]

I've been thinking about suicide again too but it is only because I'm getting deeper in depression. An anti depressant should be able to help you. Also if you haven't read on here already, weed is not going to help your situation. Weed is my best friend right now but it's the worst frenemy i've ever had. At first it was fun and exciting and good for socializing, but now after I smoke I go into the I'm such a loser or I hate myself mode. Jenny kind of sounds like a toxic friend if she stole from you. Substance abusers who do not have SA can sometimes be insensitive, cold and will take advantage of a trusting person. I wouldn't say leave her alone because it's good to have contact with others besides your family but you do need to trust your friends. Think about keeping her as mostly a phone friend. And lastly since you are going into adulthood try to connect with your siblings and parents on a friendship level. Let them know about your life experience and if they don't take you serious, let them know it's so bad that you are considering suicide. That might put things in perspective for the non believer.

 

[no reason]

im not going to take medication that will change the way i think or how i act. Violaine, sorry to hear that mmj doesnt work for you, but you should know that it was user specific in your case. it helps me, it puts me into a new perspective.

my brother didnt call, his girlfriend didnt call, i tried calling them but they would not pick up. i think im becoming physically effected by this, my body feels like absolute shit, and my head has alot of pressure on it but i dont have a stuffy nose.

she is not a toxic friend, she has helped me so much throughout the 3 years ive known her. talking to her today made me feel alot better, because she asked me to write her a story and i did. again, i put it in there that im only happy when i talk to her, she told me she wished she could make me feel better, then she stopped talking. shes helped me deal with the fact that im bi (grew up in a very.. hostile area for gays.) and along with so much. it helped talking to her, but then she brought up the subject that she wanted to have "little jenny and mike(friend shes with) scooting around." that whiped the smile right from my face. theres no hope in being able to be with her anymore. i want her to be happy, i dont want to be selfish about it.

i wrote the first draft of my suicide note today, i included that i dont want her to find out i went out like a coward. i just want her to think that i got hit by a bus or got murdered. i dont want her to know that she is the reason i went into this downward spiral in the first place, because its not. she didnt know anything about it, she didnt mean to be perfect in my mind. whatever, i just want everyone to forget about me, and it doesnt seem like thats going to be much of a task.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

im not going to take medication that will change the way i think or how i act. Violaine, sorry to hear that mmj doesnt work for you, but you should know that it was user specific in your case. it helps me, it puts me into a new perspective.

my brother didnt call, his girlfriend didnt call, i tried calling them but they would not pick up. i think im becoming physically effected by this, my body feels like absolute shit, and my head has alot of pressure on it but i dont have a stuffy nose.

she is not a toxic friend, she has helped me so much throughout the 3 years ive known her. talking to her today made me feel alot better, because she asked me to write her a story and i did. again, i put it in there that im only happy when i talk to her, she told me she wished she could make me feel better, then she stopped talking. shes helped me deal with the fact that im bi (grew up in a very.. hostile area for gays.) and along with so much. it helped talking to her, but then she brought up the subject that she wanted to have "little jenny and mike(friend shes with) scooting around." that whiped the smile right from my face. theres no hope in being able to be with her anymore. i want her to be happy, i dont want to be selfish about it.

i wrote the first draft of my suicide note today, i included that i dont want her to find out i went out like a coward. i just want her to think that i got hit by a bus or got murdered. i dont want her to know that she is the reason i went into this downward spiral in the first place, because its not. she didnt know anything about it, she didnt mean to be perfect in my mind. whatever, i just want everyone to forget about me, and it doesnt seem like thats going to be much of a task.

One thing I've learned is not to dwell on the delays and mishaps that might happen throughout life. Maybe your brother got preoccupied with something at work or whatever. As I've read your post, I've seen how I use to be...and where I was last year. There was a girl I felt that way towards too and I really felt like shit throughout it honestly. It wasn't until I actually asked her how'd she feel if I died that made me realize that she (along with other people I asked) cared. I really think you should ask her that if you doubt she cares. One person is never worth ending your life over. The world is way too vast with people to do that over one person. Just realize that despite how dark the world becomes, the sky eventually does clear up and the sun does shine....trust me. It may seem hopeless, but if you persevere through it, it will only make you stronger and able to handle anything. What do you like to do or what's something that makes you happy?

 

[El.Sonador]

as doctor house said in his lastest episode: "to live in a miserable world is much better than to die in it..."

at a certain time in our lives we all thought about suicide too cuz it the easy way out...

but believe me it's not a way at all ..

try to sign up for a guitar club or drama club or any club..i know it will be hard to go but just do it and force yourself to go and you will love it despite everything .. i did it and i got to know many friends may be we only meet once or twice a week but it gives you something to wait for every week we sing and play guitar and and we have fun ..it's the best 2 hours i have every week ...it was hard for me at first but it gets easy and you get comfortable with time ..

what i learned about this social phobia from my experience is the longest i stay at home the worse i get cuz you keep thinking about it the whole time but when you get busy with things it starts to go away...that's why you should go to gem and have a pet and be the one responsible for him (eating cleaning an stuff), learn an instrument..learn a new language .make yourself busy... do this for a year all in once, it will be very hard for you but just keep doing no matter how hard it is ....do it for a year and if you're still feeling down then you can go kill yourself ...

i assure you, you will have many friends in time ... sport buddies, guitar buddies and even real life buddies . that's why I'm leaning a new language at this private school right now and i go to a guitar club just to get out of the house and believe me when i tell you that it's not easy for me to go, but i do it anyway and with time; a month or two or three, it will give you something to wait for every week ...

 

[no reason]

im already learning a language but i could care less about that. its for school, spanish, its some of the only human interaction i get in the week. i used to play the drums, i dont anymore. i mix alot now, but thats gotten dull.

jenny thinks shes fat and ugly. last time i saw her (the weekend she stole from me) she was the spitting image of beauty. she was perfect in my eye. i know she needs my help, but i know that mike or or her best friend can provide it for her. if i left her she would mourn, but she would forget. i dont want to cause her any more pain. i just want to end it right now so theres no a chance for it to happen again. i broke her trust that same weekend, which is alot worse than what she did to me. i feel like a piece of shit for it, when i saw her with a frown on her face i just wanted to pop 20 asprins and wait to die. i couldnt stand it, i cant stand knowing i cause her pain. i dont know what to do anymore, i want to die, but i dont want her to be sad. maybe ill just tell her i hate her, maybe ill tell her how i really feel and hopefully shell stop talking to me.

my brother doesnt work. hes an alcoholic party addicted college kid. hes about as mature as a 12 year old, and hes 20. hes in his freshman year at college, and i fear hes going to turn into nothing. he said he wants to get into acting and theatre, hes a good actor, i know, hes lied to meplenty of times before. he sold my ipod for drug money and told me he got stuck up (i found the money sitting on top of his desk that weekend.), he hits me alot, i tell him i dont want to box him but he still does it. hes alot bigger and faster than me, hes a quick thinker and is always on his feet, hes got a girlfriend that adores him, even though he hurt her alot. he lives a great life of partying and friends, and i doubt he deserves it with some of the stuff hes done to me. ive done nothing but help people my entire life, onyl recently have i decided not to, why do i deserve any of this? i must of done something to deserve it.

i dont know, maybe this is just a vent for me. i only feel worse when im typing all this out, and the only right thing i write down thats in my mind is that i want to die. nothing feels right anymore. i understand what you mean when you say everybody thinks about it at one point, but to this degree? its all i think about anymore. i used to think about the good times me and jenny and other friends have had, but those memories are dwindling.

anybody ever hear soldier side by system of a down? good song..

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

im already learning a language but i could care less about that. its for school, spanish, its some of the only human interaction i get in the week. i used to play the drums, i dont anymore. i mix alot now, but thats gotten dull.

jenny thinks shes fat and ugly. last time i saw her (the weekend she stole from me) she was the spitting image of beauty. she was perfect in my eye. i know she needs my help, but i know that mike or or her best friend can provide it for her. if i left her she would mourn, but she would forget. i dont want to cause her any more pain. i just want to end it right now so theres no a chance for it to happen again. i broke her trust that same weekend, which is alot worse than what she did to me. i feel like a piece of shit for it, when i saw her with a frown on her face i just wanted to pop 20 asprins and wait to die. i couldnt stand it, i cant stand knowing i cause her pain. i dont know what to do anymore, i want to die, but i dont want her to be sad. maybe ill just tell her i hate her, maybe ill tell her how i really feel and hopefully shell stop talking to me.

my brother doesnt work. hes an alcoholic party addicted college kid. hes about as mature as a 12 year old, and hes 20. hes in his freshman year at college, and i fear hes going to turn into nothing. he said he wants to get into acting and theatre, hes a good actor, i know, hes lied to meplenty of times before. he sold my ipod for drug money and told me he got stuck up (i found the money sitting on top of his desk that weekend.), he hits me alot, i tell him i dont want to box him but he still does it. hes alot bigger and faster than me, hes a quick thinker and is always on his feet, hes got a girlfriend that adores him, even though he hurt her alot. he lives a great life of partying and friends, and i doubt he deserves it with some of the stuff hes done to me. ive done nothing but help people my entire life, onyl recently have i decided not to, why do i deserve any of this? i must of done something to deserve it.

i dont know, maybe this is just a vent for me. i only feel worse when im typing all this out, and the only right thing i write down thats in my mind is that i want to die. nothing feels right anymore. i understand what you mean when you say everybody thinks about it at one point, but to this degree? its all i think about anymore. i used to think about the good times me and jenny and other friends have had, but those memories are dwindling.

anybody ever hear soldier side by system of a down? good song..

You've said you like to write, so maybe put those feelings into word. Well what about learning a martial art? Not to fight your brother but just something to channel yourself and relax yourself, like Tai Chi. It's unfortunate but some people have a need to always be noticed and heard in order to feel adequate and that's seems like how your brother handles things. You're still here, which says a lot. It really shows that you're tough mentally and have persevered a lot. You obviously seem to be the total opposite, which is a really good thing. Nice guys might finish last, but they do finish and when they do, it lasts. We're the kinds of guys that get the meaningful relationships.

As for Jenny, how have you hurt her? We all make mistakes and hurt people we don't mean to. The idea is to learn from them and use them to better ourselves and to help others in the future. Like if Jenny turned you down, then you can use that to motivate yourself. Like, "She may have turned me down, but that's only 1 out of millions of possible people I could meet." It's all a matter of how you look at it. Has she told you that she doesn't like you in that way? If she doesn't, then put those feelings into forming a strong bond of friendship. Realize that perfect people don't exist and we all have faults, but those faults are usually really cool too. Whatever you do, understand that she would not talk to you if she didn't think you were worth her time.

Just curious, have you ever thought about speaking to a counselor? Maybe that would help give you perspective on it all. A third party perspective could be the more helpful thing to have too. I'd be happy to talk to you anytime on here if you like. I know it's not much, but it's something right?

 

[no reason]

well, my dad decided to confront me about me being so different lately. he told me he understood teenagers had problems, and that i can talk to him. basically gave me the run down and told me if im having problems that i can go to him, if im gay or anything it doesnt matter to him, hes got plenty of gay friends. honestly, i think i should tell him i smoke weed. im really scared of his reaction though. hes very anti pot, he thinks you can die from it, ruin your life with it, basically your DARE bullshit.

helps a little to know somebody has noticed im like this. but honestly, it doesnt help a whole lot. i was an accident, i wasnt even ment to of gotten past his testicals. i dont know why he raised me or anything. he asked if it was because of 'that girl' thats im like this, i told him no naturally, since i dont want him to know i love a girl whos in a relationship with my friend, especially since it would be an LDR. i told him i have things i need to figure out for myself, that there are things in my life he shouldnt be getting into, things that i have to keep from him. he told me hes going to be worried, and i told him hes only going to be more worried if i told him about the things im dealing with right now.

im grateful for all of you trying to help me here, but i still want it to end. i have a little hope for tommorow, but not enough. he told me im doing nothing but hurting my step mom (sweetest woman youd ever want to meet..) and that hes worrying. i wrote another suicide page today, listening to bob marley and sitting in the sun. if that cant cheer me up i dont know what can. well atleast i have tommorows ganja session to look forward to, and then a shotgun after.

 

[meatcake]

Am I the only one that gets a weird vibe from this thread, like it's a script or something? Mr. no reason doesn't seem to respond very much to all the comments people have made.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

Am I the only one that gets a weird vibe from this thread, like it's a script or something? Mr. no reason doesn't seem to respond very much to all the comments people have made.

Anything's possible on the internet, but until I know for sure, I'm believing him.

well, my dad decided to confront me about me being so different lately. he told me he understood teenagers had problems, and that i can talk to him. basically gave me the run down and told me if im having problems that i can go to him, if im gay or anything it doesnt matter to him, hes got plenty of gay friends. honestly, i think i should tell him i smoke weed. im really scared of his reaction though. hes very anti pot, he thinks you can die from it, ruin your life with it, basically your DARE bullshit.

helps a little to know somebody has noticed im like this. but honestly, it doesnt help a whole lot. i was an accident, i wasnt even ment to of gotten past his testicals. i dont know why he raised me or anything. he asked if it was because of 'that girl' thats im like this, i told him no naturally, since i dont want him to know i love a girl whos in a relationship with my friend, especially since it would be an LDR. i told him i have things i need to figure out for myself, that there are things in my life he shouldnt be getting into, things that i have to keep from him. he told me hes going to be worried, and i told him hes only going to be more worried if i told him about the things im dealing with right now.

im grateful for all of you trying to help me here, but i still want it to end. i have a little hope for tommorow, but not enough. he told me im doing nothing but hurting my step mom (sweetest woman youd ever want to meet..) and that hes worrying. i wrote another suicide page today, listening to bob marley and sitting in the sun. if that cant cheer me up i dont know what can. well atleast i have tommorows ganja session to look forward to, and then a shotgun after.

Personally I'm not a fan of weed (especially since a good friend of mine smokes too but it really doesn't seem to help her very much to cope with stuff), but whatever works for you, man.

Who's to say you were a mistake? He obviously cares a great deal about you, so I doubt he considers you a mistake. He may get mad at you for the weed, but that doesn't last. A parent's anger almost always doesn't last forever. He can't stop loving you because you smoke weed. Perhaps something that he's experienced might make a lightbulb go off for you. Granted, I agree that your dad probably has little business in your outside relationships, but maybe a professional would help there. You wouldn't have to worry about judgment and he/she could give you unbiased advice.

But why do you want it to end? Was she your first love or has there been others? Why not live your life out of love for your family and for your friend Jenny?

 

[no reason]

Am I the only one that gets a weird vibe from this thread, like it's a script or something? Mr. no reason doesn't seem to respond very much to all the comments people have made.

alright, think what you want about it, if you dont like it dont read. simple as that. thanks and have a good day.

i told jenny i loved her. she told me nothing would stop her from loving me as a friend, and that she was glad i came out and told her (even though i dont know why...). when she said she was crying because of it, i cried right on the back porch right before my parents got home. and tbph, i lied about actually crying all those times before.. i would always tear up but no droplets would leave my eyes. that was the first time i cried in more than 4 months, and the first time ive ever cried from emotional pain (was always physical or mental, nothing emotional ever came out like that..)

she said she wanted to see me now, i told her how i wrote my suicide notes, and she got really scared. im so scared to see her now, im so afraid im going to **** up or something, im probly going to do something that will **** our relationship up, say something.. idk, ill do SOMETHING. i dont know what, i dont want to but i know itll happen. i always **** up like that. well, atleast she stillloves me and im open about my feelings towards her.. supposidly were going to be seeing eachother this weekend.

i dont think im going to go through with it, after finding out how much she really cares about me, and how much my dad cares, idk. its all ive thought about for the last 2 weeks, its all ive wanted for the last 2 weeks. maybe shit will get better, today after crying i looked up and actually saw life, i saw everything growing, the trees turning green, the sun setting, the bees buzzing around, children playing. i actually saw it all and had a positive outlook on life..

she is my first love, yes. and honestly, i dont care about my family anymore. i care about my father and mother, maybe my brother. the rest idk, there still my family, id do anything for them, but i dont care anymore. jenny is the only person in this world i feel thats really for me. even though were never going to be together, i still want to be able to see her and hug her and tell her i love her. im so glad she didnt stop talking to me, i had the plan of telling her and killing myself right after. my dad almost found the suicide notes on my desk, i had to sneek the shotgun back into his room when he wasnt looking..

time for "Mr. no reason" to catch some sleep. hes had a big day of "scripting" and is pooped. seriously dude, if you dont like it then dont read it. id rather have people in here who actually care than people in here that are just going to question me.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

alright, think what you want about it, if you dont like it dont read. simple as that. thanks and have a good day.

i told jenny i loved her. she told me nothing would stop her from loving me as a friend, and that she was glad i came out and told her (even though i dont know why...). when she said she was crying because of it, i cried right on the back porch right before my parents got home. and tbph, i lied about actually crying all those times before.. i would always tear up but no droplets would leave my eyes. that was the first time i cried in more than 4 months, and the first time ive ever cried from emotional pain (was always physical or mental, nothing emotional ever came out like that..)

she said she wanted to see me now, i told her how i wrote my suicide notes, and she got really scared. im so scared to see her now, im so afraid im going to **** up or something, im probly going to do something that will **** our relationship up, say something.. idk, ill do SOMETHING. i dont know what, i dont want to but i know itll happen. i always **** up like that. well, atleast she stillloves me and im open about my feelings towards her.. supposidly were going to be seeing eachother this weekend.

i dont think im going to go through with it, after finding out how much she really cares about me, and how much my dad cares, idk. its all ive thought about for the last 2 weeks, its all ive wanted for the last 2 weeks. maybe shit will get better, today after crying i looked up and actually saw life, i saw everything growing, the trees turning green, the sun setting, the bees buzzing around, children playing. i actually saw it all and had a positive outlook on life..

she is my first love, yes. and honestly, i dont care about my family anymore. i care about my father and mother, maybe my brother. the rest idk, there still my family, id do anything for them, but i dont care anymore. jenny is the only person in this world i feel thats really for me. even though were never going to be together, i still want to be able to see her and hug her and tell her i love her. im so glad she didnt stop talking to me, i had the plan of telling her and killing myself right after. my dad almost found the suicide notes on my desk, i had to sneek the shotgun back into his room when he wasnt looking..

time for "Mr. no reason" to catch some sleep. hes had a big day of "scripting" and is pooped. seriously dude, if you dont like it then dont read it. id rather have people in here who actually care than people in here that are just going to question me.

Well I'm glad to hear that it went well with Jenny. She may be your first love, but there will be others. You should never give up on the friendship you share though. She obviously doesn't want to. She's your friend. She won't abandon you now, when you need her the most. I don't know her, but from what you've said I'm sure she probably doesn't care if you screw something up, as long as you alive and happy. Same goes for you father and your mom. Always remember that something is better than nothing and you'll always have your parents above all else. Hope things go well for ya with Jenny over the weekend.

I saw earlier in the post that you're 17. I can almost guarantee you that Jenny isn't the "one" for you, at least not now. Love doesn't mature and develop into the "one" until around mid 20s at the earliest. I truly believe we can all meet our Mr./Mrs. Right if we just look for it while enjoying life along the way. It sucks, but grow and mature and the love you will find, whether it's with Jenny or someone else, will be all the more special. Love isn't the heart of life, it's the senses of life. It's not the everything just another part of life. The love you can develop and grow with her now is friendship love and I can attest that that kind of love is far more likely to last than anything form of infatuation or teenage romance. She shows the signs of a true friend and that really is something that's worth holding onto.

That really took guts and willpower to tell her not only how you feel but what's going on. I tip my hat to ya, not a lot of guys could do that.

 

[mismeek]

if youre dad told you that you can talk to him about anything, then tell him how you feel. If he can accept that youre gay or something, then he can definitely accept the fact that youre depressed.

have you tried getting a pet? That helped me alot!!

you do have people to talk to..youre talking to us!!


oh and about telling jenny how you feel??...... you get mad props... ive been in love with this guy for like four years and still havent told him.

 

[meatcake]

alright, think what you want about it, if you dont like it dont read. simple as that. thanks and have a good day.

time for "Mr. no reason" to catch some sleep. hes had a big day of "scripting" and is pooped. seriously dude, if you dont like it then dont read it. id rather have people in here who actually care than people in here that are just going to question me.

Sorry dude, really, if you're a real person, it's just your thread is different from any other I've seen on here, and I'm just wary of someone trying to exploit SA'ers for some reason.

 

[no reason]

im thinking about getting a fish or something. maybe a snake, lizard. my father wont allow me to get a dog or a cat or anything (ive always wanted a cat.. SO cute.) he says that theyll just crap all over everything, get hair on everything, etc. a fish i could probly take care of, im home all day so its no biggie to me. the fish will give me someone to talk to, even though he cant understand me ::

i doubt ill feel like this about anybody else.. i love jenny so much, i cant explaine it to her how much i love her. id give my life just to know shes happy, id do anything for her. its kind of depressing knowing how vulnerable i am.. i was never this way. a couple months when i was still lying to myself, i was stone cold hard. i would walk through center city without an emotion on my face, when i saw somebody suffering id just walk by... its a nice day out, maybe ill go to center city or something. i hope i see jenny, but im really scared too.

sorry if you feel like i dont reply to anything or if im trying to scam everyone or something.. ANTI DEPRESSANTS ANTI ANXIETY PILLS! CLICK THIS LINK! HELP ME GO OUT WITH JENNY! sike. its all real man, i come from a long list of writers and lawyers, college professors, etc. so ive got it in my blood to be able to script things without even thinking about it..

thanks for all your guys help, i appreciate it alot. im still alone though, i know my mother and my father are there for me, but i dont want them to worry, i dont want to become another stitistic if i got a therapist.. my dad told me he would get me a shrink. honestly, we cant afford it. i dont want to cost him any more money than i already am. hes paying my brother through college, hes payed thousands upon thousands of dollars on me alone this year.. i cant ask for any more. that would just be selfish.

its not like i grew a pair or anything, i told her because she wouldnt let me hang up or anything until i told her why im bummed. she told me that shes noticed me talking alot less lately, with less emotion in my voice. if she can actually notice that im suprised, ive always tried to act normal... like i said before, i planned on killing myself right after. i told her i wanted to kill myself, i told her about the suicide notes, i told her almost everything except for the fact that i was going to blow my head off right after i was done talking to her since i was so shur she was just going to reject me.

again, thanks for all of your help guys, atleast some people in this world care. ive always had selfish people in my life, i dont want to say its unfair cause thats just wrong, its not. ive had hurtful people in my life, ive been abused and ive been bullied and everything. throughout 8th grade i was afraid to go to school because of a bully, a couple times i would stay home just because of it. well, im dealing with it now, its hard as hell but i guess what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

im thinking about getting a fish or something. maybe a snake, lizard. my father wont allow me to get a dog or a cat or anything (ive always wanted a cat.. SO cute.) he says that theyll just crap all over everything, get hair on everything, etc. a fish i could probly take care of, im home all day so its no biggie to me. the fish will give me someone to talk to, even though he cant understand me ::

i doubt ill feel like this about anybody else.. i love jenny so much, i cant explaine it to her how much i love her. id give my life just to know shes happy, id do anything for her. its kind of depressing knowing how vulnerable i am.. i was never this way. a couple months when i was still lying to myself, i was stone cold hard. i would walk through center city without an emotion on my face, when i saw somebody suffering id just walk by... its a nice day out, maybe ill go to center city or something. i hope i see jenny, but im really scared too.

sorry if you feel like i dont reply to anything or if im trying to scam everyone or something.. ANTI DEPRESSANTS ANTI ANXIETY PILLS! CLICK THIS LINK! HELP ME GO OUT WITH JENNY! sike. its all real man, i come from a long list of writers and lawyers, college professors, etc. so ive got it in my blood to be able to script things without even thinking about it..

thanks for all your guys help, i appreciate it alot. im still alone though, i know my mother and my father are there for me, but i dont want them to worry, i dont want to become another stitistic if i got a therapist.. my dad told me he would get me a shrink. honestly, we cant afford it. i dont want to cost him any more money than i already am. hes paying my brother through college, hes payed thousands upon thousands of dollars on me alone this year.. i cant ask for any more. that would just be selfish.

its not like i grew a pair or anything, i told her because she wouldnt let me hang up or anything until i told her why im bummed. she told me that shes noticed me talking alot less lately, with less emotion in my voice. if she can actually notice that im suprised, ive always tried to act normal... like i said before, i planned on killing myself right after. i told her i wanted to kill myself, i told her about the suicide notes, i told her almost everything except for the fact that i was going to blow my head off right after i was done talking to her since i was so shur she was just going to reject me.

again, thanks for all of your help guys, atleast some people in this world care. ive always had selfish people in my life, i dont want to say its unfair cause thats just wrong, its not. ive had hurtful people in my life, ive been abused and ive been bullied and everything. throughout 8th grade i was afraid to go to school because of a bully, a couple times i would stay home just because of it. well, im dealing with it now, its hard as hell but i guess what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

That's too bad about the cat, but fish are cool too (just be careful if you get a Beta fish...those things are delicate lol). I really think having a pet, whether or not they understand a damn thing you say, gives a sort of make-shift companion that is always there for you. At least, I think so.

You probably won't because emotions are constantly maturing as you grow physically. Nothing is entirely the same, but I can assure you that you will feel a different kind of love when you meet the right person. It will probably be a while from now, but you will. You're infatuated with her beauty now, but as we mature, the infatuation seems to be easier to recognize as such and not "romantic love." The good thing about infatuation is that once you recognize it, you gain more insight into actually distinguishing it and finding "true love." I'm still a little susceptible to infatuation (in large part with SA), but I've found it to be easier to notice when it's infatuation and when it's something else, though I've not experienced that something else yet. It may seem illogical that you could love anyone else nearly as much as Jenny, but in time, you will. Not to say your relationship with Jenny is meaningless; it's not, but it might be better suited as a strong friendship.

Don't worry about their expense. They'll do anything for you if it means you being happy. That's what parents do. You don't necessarily have to go to a shrink. You could go to your school's counselor and talk about it with him/her, since it'd probably be a free service for you. Never be afraid to help yourself.

 

[no reason]

i cant not worry about there expenses. both of my parents work hard and can barely support my brother and i.

i dont see the point anymore, i felt good an hour ago, im worse off now than ive ever been. im hungry, i thirsty, but i cant find any reason to get up. im ****ing tired of this life i live, im ****ing tired of getting up and having nothing to look forward to anymore. i get up and i have to sit at the computer for hours, and then i gooutside and sit with nothing to do. what kind of a life is that? none.

i thought i would go to center city, maybe get some food too. my dealer ****ed me over. ive got no money, no weed, no friends, no nothing. people are trying to talk me out of it but i dont care anymore. i just dont give a ****, my life has been a waste of time and energy, i should of just been thrown off a cliff in the first place. ive bothered all of you with this, ive done nothing but whine here, ive dumped my burdons on you and i didnt want to do that, its ending soon. im not going to hurt anyone else anymore, thats all i do anymore, people are trying to tell me im not alone, but if they actually cares they would talk to me any other time. every bullshits me, everyone is trying to tell me it will get better, it wont. i know it wont.

bye.