think i have very very severe avpd......=(

U

userfriendly

Member
Hi........

I think I've been suffering from severe avoidant personality disorder since I was a young child. After I graduated high school I became like a hermit. That was over five years ago.
I avoid people at all cost, and stay in my room. The only time I leave the house is if my mom forces me to go shopping with her or if its a holiday and forced to celebrate.

I never had any friends or relationships. I rarely spoke to people even if they talk to me first I would ignore them or mumble a few words.
Every day before school from kindergarten to high school I cried, and begged my mom to stay home. I couldn't stand being around people.

I'm terrified of being rejected, criticized, and embarrassing myself. I see myself as being inferior to people, and useless. I don't think anyone could like me, and I'm not fit to be around others. I never had a job before, and I don't even have my licence. I'm to scared to take a interview or test cause they might turn me away. I haven't made a phone call in over 8 years. The last time I did I think I had a panic disorder. ::(:

While I was growing up I kinda became really uncaring and sorta detached from myself and others around me. Once I was away from people I felt great, and I didn't care if I was alone. I kinda always wanted friends or more but it wasn't important to me. Most of my time was just spent day dreaming all hours of the day, or getting lost in games. Living in a fantasy world was just a lot easier.

Then just a few months ago I met someone online, and became a little attached. I told this person I loved them and was rejected big time. Right after that I was crushed by even worse depression, and I started to self injure a lot. I no longer feel numb, and my games & day dreams no longer distract me from my sad existence. It's like a roof over me broke, and all these emotions from my entire life came crashing down at once.

Soon as I wake in the morning I having bad constant thoughts about how worthless I am. I can't stand being me anymore or being self aware, the only time I am happy is if I am sleeping with no dreaming cause even dreams suck now, and hurt.


I never been to a doctor before. I don't really want to diagnose myself in case I screw up, but I really think I have it.
I want to get help but I see no hope or fix for this mess. In this state I can't function normally in public or at a job or at a school. I can't be around people or talk to anyone. It hurts to much. I'm 23 yrs old now and I feel like the most useless worthless loser on earth. :mad:

sorry for typing so much, i'm just so angry and I feel let down by everyone in my life, people should have stepped in and helped me. It was so obvious i was messed up. now it feels to late.
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
Welcome to the site. I hope you'll find all the support you need. I'm pretty sure most people here understand what you're going through, me included. We are here for you :)
 
dooby-duck

dooby-duck

Well-known member
It's not too late, I'm a bit older than you and have the same sort of problems you've described although probably not quite as severe. I can't remember the last time I made a phone call, and any conversations I have with people tend to be really short. I've lived partly in fantasy for a long time and have come to the conclusion that this is my brains way of avoiding having to analyse stuff that happens.

Being avoidant I've never seen a doctor either, that whole idea scares me a lot. But I have to at least try something to improve things a bit. I think the key to improvement is by taking small steps to stretch your comfort zone a bit. I used to find it hard posting on this forum but when I got used to it it became easy.
 
U

userfriendly

Member
Hello. Thx for greeting and response. =)
The thought of seeing a doctor scares me too, but I want to do it. Before I saw this avpd I was looking at some schizoid disorder, and they were almost identical. Then I saw schizoids like being alone forever, but i'm not like that. I want to be with someone really bad, but i'm to scared they will hate me and reject me.

i can post in forums okay and do emails, but phones and instant messenger is to hard cause you need to instantly respond usually. It kinda felt good to get that all out. lol. I'm just frustrated that i'm so socially inept. I feel like i am freaking disabled, but I can't help it even when I know the fears are irrational.
 
mysissucks

mysissucks

Well-known member
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think that takes alot of courage. My past is almost identical. I won't go into details as I have put it behind me. But one little example is in high school, and even college, I would hide in bathroom to bathroom. I always made sure to change it up so no one would catch on.

For me a support group called CODA helped me like you would not believe. DONT ever let anyone take your power away. It's amazing how pretty much everyone that goes to those meetings have social anxiety, myself included.

I deeply empathsize with the pain you are going through. :(
 
Scooter

Scooter

Well-known member
I agree with Persona, you sound like you need to see a psychiatrist, get a formal diagnosis and maybe find something that can help....good luck
 
B

bulent

Active member
Your story is almost like mine except for the fact that i'm 8 years older. I also thought i was schizoid but then as i read about it, i discovered it was avoidant personality disorder. Every little thing outside of my house and garden scares me a lot...roads, houses, cars, people and everything... so i'm always at home.

Maybe you can try "overcoming social anxiety step by step" by Dr. Richards...When i first started his theraphy i felt great but as time goes by i discovered it was only placebo effect. It was also very repetitive and boring... But i decided to have another go with it as i don't have another option cause i can't leave this place to see a therapist... I heard some people had great results with his set, so it might work for you too. But if you can, seeing a real therapist is definitely a better option.

You are very young and have enough time to do anything you want in life. But if you procrastinate doing something to get over this situation like i do, you will end up with no improvement in your 30s like i am now. Stop thinking and start doing as we all people with avpd should do. I wish you the best of luck on your journey towards healing.:)
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
Every day before school from kindergarten to high school I cried, and begged my mom to stay home. I couldn't stand being around people.
Click to expand...

Wow, this is really like my story, I also cried everytime when I had to go to school/kindergarten and high school.
I remember the first time when I went to the kindergarten and I cried and begged my mom to not leave me. They thought I had Separation anxiety disorder. But it's just SA or avpd.
And I became a hermit too, It's still like this, like years.

I wish you luck
 
U

userfriendly

Member
Saskia said:
Wow, this is really like my story, I also cried everytime when I had to go to school/kindergarten and high school.
I remember the first time when I went to the kindergarten and I cried and begged my mom to not leave me. They thought I had Separation anxiety disorder. But it's just SA or avpd.
And I became a hermit too, It's still like this, like years.

I wish you luck
Click to expand...

I did the same on my first day, and everyday after that. I cried, and begged.
It makes me sad to know someone else felt the same, and had to suffer. Every day felt like torture. It's been five years since I was in school but thinking about it still makes my eyes teary.
Probably why I became a hermit too, once I graduated I ran to my room, and stayed there. It was like being freed from a prison, and a horrible nightmare.

I don't know who I am suppose to see for help. Family doctor, Therapist or a psychologist. What's the difference, and who can diagnose, and give meds?

The other day I had a breakdown, and my mom saw me. She said I can see someone, but I have no idea who I am suppose to go to.
 
O

overcome.

Well-known member
First of, you'd have to see a doctor to get referred to a psychologist, but then I think that you'd be better off seeing a specialist which would be a psychiatrist.

In some senses I know how you feel. I suffer with panic disorder, and it's made me become more reclusive over time as things have gotten worse. It gets bad to the degree where you prefer your own company and prefer being at home, because you don't get problems.

I know that's not what this is completely about, but I also live through some of the things you're describing. You're not alone. From a young age, I've always spent a lot of time alone and in my room. I always preferred it. I find it very easy to cut off from people as well, like you do. It doesn't bother me one bit. I just had thoughts over time that I'm a cold person, that's all I made of it.
 
J

jaim38

Well-known member
In addition to avoiding problems, I think I have severe avpd. I avoid not only mean people but also neutral and friendly people. I'm not sure why. In high school, I used to be friendly with this teacher. I talked to her and helped her out in class. After I moved to the next grade level, I suddenly stopped being friendly with her. When I walk past her in the hallway, I didn't say 'hi' or wave. I could tell she was hurt/angry by this. So, sometimes I would do it just for the sake of it, but deep down I didn't feel like doing it. I also didn't visit her after I moved on. This teacher did nothing to hurt me but for some reason, I didn't feel like talking to her.

It's not just the teacher that got the silent treatment from me. I also did not greet former friends and classmates when I meet them in the hallway. The former friends got angry and ties were severed. 2 of my classmates said hi to me repeatedly but I did not respond. So one of them got fed up with it and said, "Huh!" The other one persisted until I told him "you don't have to say hi to me" at which he was confused.

In college, I met this girl from high school, she was a new freshman. We were waiting in line for lunch. She turned around to say hi to me but i didn't reply at all. I had a frozen expression on my face. It was awkward because I spoke with her in high school but in college, I acted like i didn't know her at all. She never spoke to me again.

I think my avpd is very severe, which is the only explanation I could come up with for my cold behavior. Plus I don't like being around people. My family's pretty much antisocial so that probably rubbed off on me too. I also have social anhedonia.

This is also weird: when people say "hi" to me or speak to me loudly, I cringe and just freeze up so I don't say anything back. This isn't so much of a problem now, but in the past this was a big issue. I absolutely hated it when people try to engage me in conversation. I would rather keep my mouth shut than chat with other people, no matter how nice they were to me. I was this antisocial.

I guess, my goal is to find motivation to speak to people. Positive motivation.

Edit: I also forgot to mention that when I volunteered at the hospital, I would come into the day surgery without saying hi to anybody so the nurses and other staff started saying I was stupid. I was too scared to speak with them. If I had to talk, I spoke with the old lady assistant next to me. Interacting with patients was the worst part because of my SA and avpd.
 
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S

spider04

1
I avoid people that are social and have a lot of friends, I don't want to but I end up avoiding people. This girl was really nice to me, even remembered my name without me ever telling her. She is always the one that says hi to me, maybe I did say hi first like two times only. One day I walked past her, didn't look at her or said anything, I just couldn't. Now she's the one avoiding me, she was walking with a friend and when she saw me she suddenly changed direction.
 
TreeBones

TreeBones

Well-known member
I think you should see a psychiatrist too, I used to think its embarrassing and no amount of talking is ever going to change or help anything but with my experience it really helped(although I have moved and don't see my psychiatrist anymore) and you can decide if you want to take medication after you're diagnosed also. I have the exact same problem, only I'm 16 and I've been this way for years. I've stopped talking to all of my friends and avoid every person that talks to me ( not to be mean, Just because I don't think I know how to have a relationship with someone and I'm also very afraid.) I consider myself a hermit too.
 
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