The story of my life so people can see it

JamesSmith

Well-known member
Well, here I am. I'm now at 27, which is crazy to think about. I look at my life, or lack there-of, and it's amazing to see how I got here. No friends, no g/f, and mainly, I feel as if I've never had a real friend in my life. Yes, I've had friends, but I just feel like I never really was in as a friend.

I'm alone. As I sit here, I'm alone. Most of my life, I've been all alone.

It's so weird when I pass the bar. I glance inside and see all of the normal people having their real conversations where they understand eachother. They connect. I think about my former friends, how they are busy living their lives with other people, with company. I think of all these people my age who are getting intimate relationships, having sex, getting married. It's so easy for them. All they have to do is be themselves, which isn't a problem.

You're probably asking yourself, well, why don't you get out there and try what they are doing, James? Because I hated it. I've tried it before.....for years. Been to over 50 parties. Hated about 50 of them. I was always the outcast. Worst of all, I was alone at these parties. Everyone talked while I didn't know what to say. I even tried to talk to people, and it was still weird.

I don't like it. I don't like being around people. Even when I'm with friends I've been around for years....I don't like being there. I'm uncomfortable, I'm anxious, I'm bored and I feel like the fifth wheel all the time. When you don't enjoy yourself 99% of the time of being around people there is no point in being around people anymore. Torturing yourself with torture over and over again for years isn't worth it.

I'm not asking a question, I guess I'm just doing an egotistical journal and putting my thoughts out for people to see. I wanted to get this stuff off my chest, because I don't like being around people and sharing this. I'm wondering if I'm human. I thought a human liked talking and being around people. I don't.

I will probably add more to this as my days go on.
 

planemo

Well-known member
I can certainly relate. I had a best friend in high school named James actually, but we have since drifted because, well as you say people like him are just being themselves, which is far better than me being myself (the one who can't grow out of his shell). So he's growing and experiencing the life I don't have, on the other side of the divide, I guess. Well I can say you have been to 50 more parties than I have :p, but as you say it's just torture, and so I can relate there too. Sometimes it's good to get those thoughts out and to know you're not alone.
 

Hastings & Main

Well-known member
Almost one of those posts where I'd write "It's as if I wrote it".

I had numerous try-out friends - the kind who wanted to be around me, until they realized how quiet and insecure I really was. Then they'd drift. No big deal to me. They were never really into the same stuff as I was anyways.

I hate social gatherings, but I force myself out to shows all the time. Mostly because I want to see the bands, and also it gives me a chance to study 'normal' behavior and interaction so I can try it myself.

I think many of us don't want to watch, or blank out (as seeing people talk to each other is like watching birds fly: it's natural, so who notices?) others' interactions, partly because there's a twinge of pain or jealousy witnessing something we can't take part in.

But, if ya wanna be a rocket scientist, you have to do some studying. If I want to feel non-anxious and relaxed and meet people who I can be friends with, I have to study how others do it, and I've realized that sitting alone in my room is as good to me as attending a class with no teacher.

I personally just set aside my mini-envy of others and am just learning to focus on the moves, words, body-language, what makes people comfortable or uncomfortable, how long to make eye-contact, when to speak, what to say, and on and on.... and also when to stop staring at a group of people before someone walks over and asks what my problem is. :D
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I can say that today, I'm not as miserable as i was when I made my first post in this thread, which is good.

Something that has been on my mind lately is the debate we sometimes have in the thread on needing people. I've heard both sides of the argument.

At this time in my life, I think I've found that we do need people. This is something I probably would have never said until about a year ago or so. To be mentally healthy, I believe we must connect with others on a regular basis.

So yes, I'm saying I'm not mentally healthy right now, at least what I mean is that I'm not 100% mentally healthy. As humans, I now see that we need human connection, and without enough of positive human connection, we are left feeling empty inside.

Take me, for instance, someone without friends. I can still function as a person, but my human spirit is alone. I don't know what it is physically, but humans need other humans. It's sad that it took me this long to figure out, obviously my shyness has tried to convince me otherwise for years. When I was a child, my dream varied from being married with children, to having nobody in my life at all and living in a big house with a big screen television and watching sports all the time.

Actually, that may not sound half bad to some people, the latter thing i said. After living alone for so long, I definitely see that that dream of being alone is not nearly as great as it sounds. Without friends or g/f or wife, I'd be lonely, no matter how much money I have. Btw, I'm poor now, but I think you understand what I'm saying.

I don't like that we need people. Being my shy, introverted self, I question why we need people. I guess it's just human nature. One can't question human nature. People desire what they desire, just like a heterosexual man searches for a woman to be with. I don't like that either, but human nature is not something that can be turned off. Lying to myself isn't making it go away.

Those are my thoughts for now. This thread is probably going to be random thoughts from me, so don't be surprised if what I say jumps from topic to topic. I just want to get my thoughts out there so people can see them.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
I don't like that we need people. Being my shy, introverted self, I question why we need people. I guess it's just human nature. One can't question human nature. People desire what they desire, just like a heterosexual man searches for a woman to be with. I don't like that either, but human nature is not something that can be turned off. Lying to myself isn't making it go away.
This is where I'm at too. I hope you'll write more... I like hearing these thoughts from another person's perspective. It's very interesting to me.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I felt depressed for most of my work today. Right now, I don't really feel much of anything. I guess I just feel like there isn't much going on in my life, which there isn't.

I think of myself as a coward. Some of you probably think I'm being hard on myself, but it's how I view myself now. I haven't gotten the courage to hang out at my friend's house for like 4 years.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I'm single not by choice, but because I haven't been able to connect with women. I've tried walking up to women and the conversation would die after 10 seconds. Talking to new people isn't something that comes naturally to me, especially when trying to talk to women.

It's not like I have the luxury of decision. I'm not saying, "I just want to be single. I don't want to date any women because I don't feel like it." I actually want to date a woman, it's just I can't get the courage to walk up to women, and when I do, I have nothing to say.

The weird thing is that I understand what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to become friends with them first, we're supposed to share our thoughts eachother and get to know eachother. I can't start this most of the time, and continuing is a huge problem.

It's extremely sad. I'm 27 years old and I can't even talk to people normally. I don't have anything to say, and don't want to say anything. No wonder I'm alone.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
It's extremely sad. I'm 27 years old and I can't even talk to people normally. I don't have anything to say, and don't want to say anything. No wonder I'm alone.
"You are not alone!"

LOL, the motto of SPW. Every time I see it, I think: "Uh... yes I am."

I tend to laugh about it though. I don't really care any more.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
"You are not alone!"

LOL, the motto of SPW. Every time I see it, I think: "Uh... yes I am."

I tend to laugh about it though. I don't really care any more.

Yes, I think they mean a different type of alone. The cyber world can't possibly be compared with the real world (in the flesh). It's much easier to communicate through a computer, the problem is it that it's not nearly as good as connecting in the real world.

Unfortunately, I'm about as alone as a human can get. It's weird because I do leave the house. I am working as a flower delivery guy part time, so my job entails going to peoples' houses and talking to them in person. I'm kind of used to it by now. I don't know if I'll ever be totally comfortable with it, but I'm getting by.

The weird thing is that the job involves talking to people every day that I'm there. I just can't talk to people outside of work. It's entirely different when I'm placed in a situation where I am just supposed to hang out and talk to people and make friends.

I don't really feel that shy, but when I look at my life, I have nobody in it really. All I have is my brother, and he's just staying for a year and a half because we get to stay at my parents' house for free rent. I don't really talk to my parents unless they talk to me. Besides that, I don't communicate with a soul outside of work.

I just wish I could fit in at places. I wish I could talk and like being around people. That's my gigantic problem. I can't make myself like being around people. I don't know what to do. I've tried to be around people over and over again, and I couldn't get myself to like it.

It's so weird to hear people complain about their problems they have. Most of the people that complain have friends, and are able to connect with their friends. Many of these people also have active love lives. All the while, I'm just thinking, yeah, imagine having nobody, and not wanting to be around people. Then you'd really have something to complain about.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
It's so weird to hear people complain about their problems they have. Most of the people that complain have friends, and are able to connect with their friends. Many of these people also have active love lives. All the while, I'm just thinking, yeah, imagine having nobody, and not wanting to be around people. Then you'd really have something to complain about.
I know, I'm particularly sensitive to that myself. Like the other day I was reading an article about erythema (which is what I have) and there were a bunch of comments from people, talking about how this condition was ruining their social life. And as I'm reading, I'm thinking... wait a minute... everybody keeps referring to their boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or fiance. How the hell did they get one of those, if they have erythema? And I thought, ok they probably don't really have it, they probably just blush a lot. That's not so bad.

Same thing with the social phobia websites. A lot of people who think they have social phobia are just really shy or awkward. Shy or awkward people can connect with others, it's just a bit difficult for them. Not impossible.

I hesitate to make comparisons because I don't want to belittle anyone. We're not in some sort of competition to see who is the most afflicted. Everyone has a hard time in their own way... it's all relative. But the fact is, some people do face greater challenges. And someone who is completely alone all the time is certainly more "challenged" socially than someone who has support from a partner, friends, co-workers, family etc.

Still, I don't like to make comparisons. No matter where we are on the scale of affliction, there will always be an infinity of people better off, and another infinity of people worse off. All you can really do is look at where you are on the scale, and compare it with where you want to be. Or else stay where you are and try to find people who can relate to you on that level.

You say you don't like being around others; that's not so rare. You're basically a misanthropist. That's a highly attractive trait, to another misanthropist. It's just very hard for misanthropists to find each other, since they can't really advertise themselves as such (for fear of being confused with sociopaths).
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
Well, knowing that some people have worse problems than me doesn't make me feel much better. The truth is that most people have a better life than I do. Personal relationships are vitally important for achieving a healthy quality of life. Most people have personal relationships.

Maybe those personal relationships have flaws or arguments, but at least they connect with these people. I never get to connect with anyone except my brother, and that is not enough. He will be moving out soon enough anyway. Then I'll really be alone.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
Well, knowing that some people have worse problems than me doesn't make me feel much better. The truth is that most people have a better life than I do.
Most of the people you see have a better life than you do. There are lots of people you don't see or hear of, who are worse off than you. And no, I wasn't suggesting that this should make you feel better. I was suggesting that it's irrelevant.

Personal relationships are vitally important for achieving a healthy quality of life. Most people have personal relationships.
I don't know. I think relationships suck most of the time. A lot of couples put on a happy face in public, but behind closed doors it's another story. I think people cause each other a lot of misery and angst, in general. I'm quite glad to have avoided all that. I've never connected with another person, but then again I've never been damaged by another person either.

The more I think about it, the more it all seems overrated to me. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I met a guy and he came to live with me in my house. Frankly I would hate it, even if I really liked him as a person. I don't think I'd even want him to visit... too much stress. I prefer to interact with people remotely, at arm's length. In person they remind me of really big animals that I have to look after.

I'm lucky though, because I never think about sex so I don't actually require physical proximity. It must be awful when you don't like people, yet you still crave proximity with them. That's like, an unsolvable equation.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I've connected with other people before, and I know for a fact that having personal relationships that work is much better than being alone.

Like I said before, we have a biological need for personal relationships. To deny that is extremely unhealthy. I am unhealthy right now, therefore, I'm on here complaining. Of course, it's also unhealthy to have personal relationships that don't work, as well. For instance, constant arguments with so called friends or g/f is not healthy.

Btw, when I say personal relationships, I don't just mean a spouse or significant other. I'm speaking of anyone that you normally talk to consistently.
 
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JamesSmith

Well-known member
It must be awful when you don't like people, yet you still crave proximity with them. That's like, an unsolvable equation.

Exactly! This is the thing that bothers me the most. I want to be with people, but at the same time, I don't want to be with people.

I'm here to try to solve this complex equation.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
Btw, when I say personal relationships, I don't just mean a spouse or significant other. I'm speaking of anyone that you normally talk to consistently.
Yeah... well I do have my mother. I talk to her online quite regularly, so that counts. I trust her, which is the main thing. I don't trust anyone else. And you're right, I'd be a lot worse off if I didn't have that regular contact with another person.

Maybe what you can learn from me is that one person is enough, if it's someone you really trust. A permanent fixture, you might say. If you don't already have such a person, then I can definitely understand your anxiety about it.

You probably do need to find someone to trust, before you can reasonably expect to start feeling positive about your life. And after that, other things would presumably fall into place as well.

But I have no idea how one goes about finding someone like that. If I didn't already have someone since birth, I'd be screwed.

Exactly! This is the thing that bothers me the most. I want to be with people, but at the same time, I don't want to be with people.

I'm here to try to solve this complex equation.
LOL. Yeah, I've been perplexed by it too, most of my life. That's why I'm interested to see how others deal with it. I have my own ways of dealing with it, which I wouldn't say are entirely successful, but I sort of manage ok. I feel pretty good most of the time, so I must be doing something right. Not sure what though.
 
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Ms Cloud

Well-known member
Many times I've preferred the sincere immense love of an animal than the feigned interest of the people around me. I'll end up being a furry one of these days.
Yes... love between humans is usually tainted with something selfish anyway. Love of pets is more pure somehow. It's all caring, devotion and loyalty. And pets are more appreciative too.

I lost a dog and a cat recently. I've been pretty torn up about it. I don't think I ever cried over losing a human friend. Or if I did, it was probably because I felt humiliated.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
QUOTE=Ms CloudYeah... well I do have my mother. I talk to her online quite regularly, so that counts. I trust her, which is the main thing. I don't trust anyone else. And you're right, I'd be a lot worse off if I didn't have that regular contact with another person.

Yes, you would be worse off if you didn't have contact with her. We're lucky we have family that we can talk to.

Maybe what you can learn from me is that one person is enough,

No, it's not. I'm sorry, but I was just talking about this another thread. We need to go beyond family if we want to live a healthy social, mental and emotional life.

A permanent fixture, you might say. If you don't already have such a person, then I can definitely understand your anxiety about it.

I have my brother and it's definitely not enough. I'm empty inside.

You probably do need to find someone to trust, before you can reasonably expect to start feeling positive about your life. And after that, other things would presumably fall into place as well.

I don't know if it's necessarily trust. I think it's more about truly connecting with other people. I've been able to connect with liars before, that lied to my face and to other people.

But I have no idea how one goes about finding someone like that. If I didn't already have someone since birth, I'd be screwed.

It's always possible to make friends. As long as you know english, which you obviously do, then it's possible. It's just going to be really hard, like it is for me.

LOL. Yeah, I've been perplexed by it too, most of my life. That's why I'm interested to see how others deal with it. I have my own ways of dealing with it, which I wouldn't say are entirely successful, but I sort of manage ok. I feel pretty good most of the time, so I must be doing something right. Not sure what though.

Yes, I know what you mean. I too am dealing with it. But the word, dealing, to me, is definitely not living. I think to be truly alive we must connect with other people, namely friends and a significant other. Most importantly, friends.

I'm tired of dealing. It's not working. I want to live. I want to connect with the world.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
Yes, I know what you mean. I too am dealing with it. But the word, dealing, to me, is definitely not living. I think to be truly alive we must connect with other people, namely friends and a significant other. Most importantly, friends.

I'm tired of dealing. It's not working. I want to live. I want to connect with the world.
I hope you'll forgive my overly philosophical approach. It's just my way of trying to work something out. The question in my mind has always been, do I actually need other people or not. I don't have the answer to that question, so I tend to get a bit devil's-advocate sometimes. Looking at it from different angles and so on.

Also I do tend to swing like a pendulum between the two opposite views. Some days I feel I'll go mad unless I find someone compatible to talk to, and that life has no meaning if there's no one to share it with. But after a certain amount of time spent talking to random people, I start to marvel at how much space they take up in my head, and how much less productive (and less happy) I am because of it. When that happens I start to appreciate my solitude again. I go back to living the life that I've made for myself, and feeling very smug about it. Until the cycle starts over again.


It's always possible to make friends. As long as you know english, which you obviously do, then it's possible. It's just going to be really hard, like it is for me.
Nah, I've been at it for some time (I'm 34). I've tried various ways of meeting people. Within weeks or days, I end up not liking them, or they don't like me, or both. I've given up on forming any kind of bond with people. I still do the superficial interaction thing (a chat here and a chat there), but it never goes beyond that. And I'm not sure I would want it to. I'm leaning towards the conclusion that I'm better off on my own; however, I appreciate your arguments to the contrary. You've made me take another look at it, which is good.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
I don't even like this fact, that we must be with people. I guess that's why I know it's true, in my opinion. I've just had time to observe other people and myself, and there is no doubt that the human body is made to be around people or it will feel depression and empty inside one's soul.

I've been told it's okay to be a loner, but i disagree. It's dangerous to be a loner. Then again, it's also dangerous to have anxiety and depression. Even if one is to be around people a healthy amount, yet they still have anxiety and depression, they may still be running the risk of suicidal thoughts.

So, I guess it's possible to never be happy, whether with people or not.

I had an experience in a mental hospital, where one of the guys in charge told me that, "my (me) problem is that I am never around people." Right when he said this, I remember being shocked. After having time to gather all my thoughts after this, I see why I was shocked, and also confused.

This man did not have social anxiety disorder. He was outgoing, as 78% of the world is. We may both be human, but you know what? This guy isn't me, and doesn't know what it's like to be me. He gave me a simple answer to a complex problem.

What he was really saying was "Be around people and you'll feel better." That may work for him, but that obviously didn't work for me. I've felt the most suicidal when I've been around people. People can be an absolute hell in many cases. The last time I was around a lot of people, I felt like I was going to die. I hate sitting next to strangers.

What I'm saying is that people with SA are faced with an enormous wall in front of them. It's not as easy as hiding by yourself for the rest of your life, and it's also not as easy as "just being with people."

This is more of a complaint, now, then anything. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of outgoing people trying to give out simple solutions to anxiety and depression that work for them. They aren't us. They need to stop acting like they know what it's like to be us. They don't know, and never will.

The problem is not people, being around people, or not being around people. The problem is anxiety. That's the one problem.
 
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