JamesSmith
Well-known member
Well, here I am. I'm now at 27, which is crazy to think about. I look at my life, or lack there-of, and it's amazing to see how I got here. No friends, no g/f, and mainly, I feel as if I've never had a real friend in my life. Yes, I've had friends, but I just feel like I never really was in as a friend.
I'm alone. As I sit here, I'm alone. Most of my life, I've been all alone.
It's so weird when I pass the bar. I glance inside and see all of the normal people having their real conversations where they understand eachother. They connect. I think about my former friends, how they are busy living their lives with other people, with company. I think of all these people my age who are getting intimate relationships, having sex, getting married. It's so easy for them. All they have to do is be themselves, which isn't a problem.
You're probably asking yourself, well, why don't you get out there and try what they are doing, James? Because I hated it. I've tried it before.....for years. Been to over 50 parties. Hated about 50 of them. I was always the outcast. Worst of all, I was alone at these parties. Everyone talked while I didn't know what to say. I even tried to talk to people, and it was still weird.
I don't like it. I don't like being around people. Even when I'm with friends I've been around for years....I don't like being there. I'm uncomfortable, I'm anxious, I'm bored and I feel like the fifth wheel all the time. When you don't enjoy yourself 99% of the time of being around people there is no point in being around people anymore. Torturing yourself with torture over and over again for years isn't worth it.
I'm not asking a question, I guess I'm just doing an egotistical journal and putting my thoughts out for people to see. I wanted to get this stuff off my chest, because I don't like being around people and sharing this. I'm wondering if I'm human. I thought a human liked talking and being around people. I don't.
I will probably add more to this as my days go on.
I'm alone. As I sit here, I'm alone. Most of my life, I've been all alone.
It's so weird when I pass the bar. I glance inside and see all of the normal people having their real conversations where they understand eachother. They connect. I think about my former friends, how they are busy living their lives with other people, with company. I think of all these people my age who are getting intimate relationships, having sex, getting married. It's so easy for them. All they have to do is be themselves, which isn't a problem.
You're probably asking yourself, well, why don't you get out there and try what they are doing, James? Because I hated it. I've tried it before.....for years. Been to over 50 parties. Hated about 50 of them. I was always the outcast. Worst of all, I was alone at these parties. Everyone talked while I didn't know what to say. I even tried to talk to people, and it was still weird.
I don't like it. I don't like being around people. Even when I'm with friends I've been around for years....I don't like being there. I'm uncomfortable, I'm anxious, I'm bored and I feel like the fifth wheel all the time. When you don't enjoy yourself 99% of the time of being around people there is no point in being around people anymore. Torturing yourself with torture over and over again for years isn't worth it.
I'm not asking a question, I guess I'm just doing an egotistical journal and putting my thoughts out for people to see. I wanted to get this stuff off my chest, because I don't like being around people and sharing this. I'm wondering if I'm human. I thought a human liked talking and being around people. I don't.
I will probably add more to this as my days go on.