The BIGGEST Secret

[nicole1]

I honestly hate everything, including myself. I hate being such a big ugly nothing. My life feels like it will go no where. I use to have big dreams and goals but now... I don't care. At all. It's all pointless.

My SA is getting worse, for one, and no one cares. I've been sick for 4 months, it seems, and no one cares. I feel like I'm just alone in a pit.

I hate all of my friends. I hate my family. I don't want to be around anyone.

Since I've been sick, everyone has been so mean to me. They don't care. They don't want me to talk about it. I've been locking myself in my room and doing nothing.

I wish I had the courage to just kill myself but since I don't, I go to sleep hoping that in some way, I won't wake up. Or that if I'm driving, maybe someone will hit me and I'll die. Or maybe someone will shoot or stab me. I'm sick of living.

I hate pretending to be happy and being around people. It feels like such a chore to even talk to people about anything. I sleep every day. That's it. Maybe watch netflix, play games on facebook, play with my ipod for a bit, but that's it.

I've been mean to everyone that doesn' deserve it. My parents don't deserve it since, they are taking care of me like I'm some useless person.

I just want EVERYTHING to be over. I'm tired of even trying.

 

[twiggle]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm a similar mood myself today so there's probably not much I can say that will help but... life does change. Live for what can happen in the future, not for what's going or now or has gone on before.

I know things seem bleak at the moment but there's no knowing what the future will hold. You say you don't care about dreams and goals and that's understandable when you're feeling low but there must be something in life that you'd like to happen, even if its only something as small as being able to smile again.

Hang on in there We're here for you.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Hi It sounds like you're really depressed because no one cares. I hope you find someone soon to reach out too. I am sure there are people who love you that will listen and help you.

 

[rebyoo]

Had people been a little more careful about expressing their hurtful opinions maybe we all wouldn't be where we are now.

Nicole, it sounds like despite your behaviour your family are still happy to stick around and support you. Sometimes you just need to let off steam, it's only a temporary thing. Maybe doing a nice gesture (making them a cuppa?) would just show how much you appeciate their support and make you feel better about things Xx

 

[MollyBeGood]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm a similar mood myself today so there's probably not much I can say that will help but... life does change. Live for what can happen in the future, not for what's going or now or has gone on before.

I know things seem bleak at the moment but there's no knowing what the future will hold. You say you don't care about dreams and goals and that's understandable when you're feeling low but there must be something in life that you'd like to happen, even if its only something as small as being able to smile again.

Hang on in there We're here for you.

it's so true. Things will change if you tough it out.

 

[Clown]

Im just like you, it seems that when someone has troubles, everyone gets starting
mean and is some people enjoy it ..and your socialphobia makes also more easy
for them to say hurtful things , they notice unconsciously that you feel weak.. so
they immediately jump into it and say things that bring you down so they feel better about themselfs.......
And other people truly want to help you and support you but they can't and also hurtfull things which are mean to kick your but in the belief it works for them ... but anxiety disorder is an disorder and there is no such thing as kicking your but and everything is fine.

It reminds me of WO II in ukraine and poland where normal caring people turned into monsters killing thousands eldery, women and children at close range and laughing about it... maybe this connection is to widly but it gives a sense that everyone has evil darkside in his and like to hurt other people if they know they can get away with it.

Just hang on , maybe in 10 years you don't know the friends anymore and made some new friends... have a nice job and your parents are proud of you.
I also like you think about suicide alot but on the other hand... everyone has begin and end at point blank=0 in about 100 years nobody even knew how much failure you are or a succesfull miljonair... and you don't want to end like a veggie if your suicide fails.

 

[nicole1]

I thank you for your advice. This has been inside of me for some time. I grin and bear it most times, but at others, there are angry outbursts over small things. I thank you all for reading.

Clown, special thanks to you b/c that's exactly how I feel and I've not met anyone who understands that. I hate suicide but consider it most times. You're right, I don't know what the future will hold and it's worth thinking over.

 

[rebyoo]

Glad you are feeling a bit better about things Nicole Xx

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

It's good to get all of that out sometimes, Nicole.

Sounds to me like you need a change in scenery-- a change in lifestyle.
My cousin picked up and left the province a few years ago after her relationship went south. She broke up with her boyfriend and moved to Alaska. She had nothing but was much happier struggling to start a new life rather than being stuck in a rut.
I wish I were that brave... but maybe a change that big isn't for everyone.
You don't always have to go to extremes like that but if you hate everything-- seems to me like you need to find things you don't hate and surround yourself with them.

 

[Clown]

weirdymcgee, I differ from your point of view need some lifestyle change
socialphobia is a irrational illness she don''t need change , move to a different country
she only needs therapy.. without it she is doomed.. its not the situation its your self
if you accept that then recovery is on the way.
after that relationships will better and life will be better

 

[nicole1]

I'm in therapy. Still not helping.
I wish for a change but it seems out of my reach.

I keep trying to reach out to people and I only explode. Idk if this is something new... Or if I'm getting worst. I can't rest easy. I'm forever mad. And I don't feel comfortable leaving my home. It's ok if like my mom comes with me... (That's the biggest shame.) But it's just getting harder to leave. I'm more paranoid and I have twitches (facial, muscules in legs and arms, and fingers and a bit in toes?) It feels so scary.