Template for Social Phobia (Bad Parenting)

[MarkW]

Hello everyone. After reading a number of threads about parenting being the cause of Social Phobia, I’ve decided to make a contribution. I have had social phobia for 8 years, however only learnt that this condition is called ‘Social Phobia’ a few months ago. I’ve struggled for years trying to find the cause of my behaviour.

Here are my findings. It is a long list, but I’m sure many can relate:

Symptoms
• I feel that I am a boring person
• I cannot maintain a conversation
• I feel that people look at me funny, as if something unusual in my eye contact
• I feel I am the centre of attention
• I am quiet
• I sometimes think my voice will sound funny
• I feel I will say something inappropriate
• I am very quiet during dinner parties
• I cannot take a piss in a public toilet if there are others around
• I feel major depression. I am hardly ever happy.
• Non-Assertive
• Worrying about what people will think of me

Causes
• Over Protection
• Dad did not allow me to learn basic social norms

o Not allowed out of the house ALONE until age 17​

o Was never allowed to ride a bike outside our home.​

o The first time I bought something in a public place (ALONE) was at the bus stop at age 17.​

• As a child I was not allowed to learn basic skills

o Such as operating a lawn mower​

o Suddenly one day when I’m 20 years old, my dad tells me to mow the lawn.​

o My first time, so I don’t know how to turn it on.​

o After a few unsuccessful attempts, with my dad overlooking me, he finally laughs at me that I can’t operate a lawn mower.​

o He f*ckin never allowed me to do it before​

• Fathers Psychological Manipulation

o He is most egocentric individual​

o Everything has to be exactly as he wants it to be​

o Let’s say there are 5 ways to do something correctly. My dad does it in 1 way. If I decide to do it in another way, then it’s incorrect.​

o Everything I do has to be done to please my dad, otherwise it’s pointless​

o He actually forced me to say “I’m a worthless piece of sh*t”​

• Over Criticism

o Dad always saying “Don’t f*ck it up as you always do”​

o Everything I do is wrong​

• Restricted Social Life

o During childhood, my dad did not allow me to have any social encounters during weekends (purely because it was “family time”)​

• The Yelling!!!

o You do something in a particular way for the last 5 years, and then suddenly its wrong and I get yelled at.​

o Dad lost something, so he yells at me for not having it OR hiding it OR having it last. Only to find out that he had it all along.​

o After a hard day of work, dad comes home and releases all anger on ME. My mum and I are verbal punching bags where he releases all anger.​

• Not allowed to speak my mind

o My dad is a Dictator!​

o Whenever I had an opinion which differed from my dads, then I was not allowed to say it, because I would get verbally abused OR psychologically manipulated in such a way that would make me feel like ****.​

• Silence Therapy

o Whenever we spoke our mind, my dad would not speak to me for weeks​

o This was used on me as a child, which worked, because I would often feel my fault and apologize. Pfff naive child.​

Treatment
• Move away...Far Away...To a different country.
• I missed out my entire adolesce; I will not miss out my 20’s.
• Change of lifestyle
• Increase Serotonin Levels (to feel happy) – Eat high serotonin foods such as strawberries.
• Workout – It makes you feel happy. Plus it improves your physique which helps your improve your self esteem, which helps you forget about social phobia. IF you have 6 pack abs, THEN you will WANT attention from others. My goal is to get defined ripped muscles, because this will help me psychologically defeat social phobia FOR GOOD!!!
• Be active
• Be social – join a sports club
• Improve self esteem
• Find a partner – Create a sense in life!

So who can top that list? Or can you relate to it? My method to beat social phobia is to get as far away from my father as I can. I must leave the country! Start a new life! It’s all in the mind. Mental problems need to be fought using mental techniques.

 

[x000x]

Sounds a lot like my mom and dad.

 

[Noca]

Welcome to SPW!

 

[Falkor]

Wow, so maybe bad parenting is the cause of social anxiety!
My dad always laughs at me when I try something new, And i'm not allowed to say my opinion OR he will tell me I have the wrong opinion.
My parents are really alert having a eye on me, I'm almost 18 and they still want to have control on me.
They are really concerned fast, They want to know where I go every step I take.
My mom brought me to school my whole life , I feel ashamed of it to say it here, but I rarely went to school on my bike.
They never let me go my own way, they always wanted to control everything.
And they aren't really social, they always want to rather spent time with their family (me and my brother and themselfes), then going to someone else.
And they decided us to live in a small little village, with not much apportunities to meet people to socialize.
But whatever, we can't change the past right.
Life goes on..

 

[x000x]

Wow, so maybe bad parenting is the cause of social anxiety!
My dad always laughs at me when I try something new, And i'm not allowed to say my opinion OR he will tell me I have the wrong opinion.
My parents are really alert having a eye on me, I'm almost 18 and they still want to have control on me.
They are really concerned fast, They want to know where I go every step I take.
My mom brought me to school my whole life , I feel ashamed of it to say it here, but I rarely went to school on my bike.
They never let me go my own way, they always wanted to control everything.
And they aren't really social, they always want to rather spent time with their family (me and my brother and themselfes), then going to someone else.
And they decided us to live in a small little village, with not much apportunities to meet people to socialize.
But whatever, we can't change the past right.
Life goes on..

Yeah, my parents decided to move to a small town also. I do have a large group of friends, but everyone is into the same things. There aren't many direction I can go in. I feel stuck. My parents always controlled what I do.

 

[Dronee]

Wow, so maybe bad parenting is the cause of social anxiety!

There is no maybe. Genetically and environmentally, parents are responsible for much of the way their children turn out. Sometimes there's things outside the parents' control that causes problems for the children growing up, but I believe that a lot of the time, the parents are the ones that shape their own children the most profoundly. In the case of SA, it might be due to overprotective parents who are also very discouraging...

About using skills, looks, high intellect... etc... as a way to feel good about yourself... That's good. But my own personal experience is that you cannot place your sense of self or your self-esteem based on external things. Not healthy.

 

[Hellhound]

Your dad reminds me a lot of my family, especially my old brother. Maybe the only difference is that my old brother would go physical if i dared to voice my opinion too much.

 

[userfriendly]

I've lived at home for my entire life and never had a conversation with my dad, and barely a real normal one with my mom.
My family is like a bunch of strangers that are forced to live with each other. Guess I never had a real connection to a person before so no wonder people freak me out so much.

 

[Graeme1988]

I've lived at home for my entire life and never had a conversation with my dad, and barely a real normal one with my mom.
My family is like a bunch of strangers that are forced to live with each other. Guess I never had a real connection to a person before so no wonder people freak me out so much.

I can relate there. I feel exactly the same way.

 

[Felgen]

I can relate a lot to the first post in this thread. The only thing you can do is basically to stand up for yourself.

 

[MarkW]

Guys, I am so relieved that I'm not the only one with this problem.

Now, as Dronee said, SA is definately strongly influenced by environmental factors, therefore the most logical solution is to change the environment for yourself. I will remain confident that I am NOT a lost cause, and am planning to move to a different country to change my environment. Anyone think this could work?

 

[Fish]

I think that mine might of played a role in my shyness too. I don't think they are as overprotective as your parents but they still are overprotective, especially my mom.

 

[xxaimsxx]

Well you see i think not always!

As a child i was VERY independant and my parents gave me and my sister an amazing childhood. I really couldnt of asked for anything more.
I remember when i was as young as 10 i got the bus on my own and i would go out all the time with my mates. I would never get the bus now. I probably havent been on public transport for 2 years.
Bullying made me self consious. I blame the bullies for mine.

 

[M1tCh]

I feel for you, Mark. Good luck on your journey.

 

[Dronee]

Guys, I am so relieved that I'm not the only one with this problem.

Now, as Dronee said, SA is definately strongly influenced by environmental factors, therefore the most logical solution is to change the environment for yourself. I will remain confident that I am NOT a lost cause, and am planning to move to a different country to change my environment. Anyone think this could work?

I don't think it needs to be a different country. Just somewhere away from your parents. As in not directly in contact with them. Some people I know do this. Just shift slightly away. But keep in contact with their parents now and then.

 

[Dronee]

While I agree that bad parenting plays an extremely large role for many if not most cases of difficulty adjusting to 'normal' society... I also feel that parenting is one of the most difficult things to do. A delicate blindfolded walk in the dark on a tight rope. A lot of people function on autopilot most of the time. The product of fears and insecurities passed down to them by their parents who themselves learned from their own parents ad infinitum...

Parents are humans too with their own fears and such... Many might think that they'll mature into the roles but sometimes it's too overwhelming when coupled with events outside their control (getting retrenched, accidents, illnesses... etc)... If I were to be given an option to go back in time, I'd probably enlist my younger self (aged 5 or 6) in a military setting... Not abusive, but one which is very strict and authoritative... at the same time teaching values like courage, persistence, compassion... etc. Of course, no such institution exists as far as I know. Well, some monasteries perhaps..

 

[MarkW]

A military setting might not be so bad, although you would end up a hard-ball. A colleague of mine had a military upbringing (whole family in the army etc). In a one liner, he is the toughest person I know, just as he is professional and responsible with his work. But definitely doesn't have SA or any stupid phobias.

To be honest, after reading many many posts, it is depressing to find that no one can cure themselves. ARE WE ALL LOST CAUSES!? How to undo years of bad parenting?

 

[userfriendly]

Anyone else have a problem with loud noises, and jumping? I jump, and become startled whenever I hear any loud unexpected noise.
It's from my dad that never spoke a word unless he wanted to yell at me. Every time he did anything he had to slam stuff, and make loud noises. Bang the fridge, stove, closets, doors, counters. It's how i knew he was near, and that I had to get away.

I wish I could get out of here, and never see these people ever again. I'm not sure if it would help or cure SA but it might make me a bit happier. Sometimes I think being a bum on the streets would be more peaceful, and relaxing.

My room is slowly becoming my tomb. ugh.

 

[Dronee]

How to undo years of bad parenting?

I think on step at a time. Slowly and with a lot of patience and willingness to forgive. Especially to forgive yourself.

 

[MarkW]

That asian stereotype may be true, but I think its strongly influenced by cultural factors. I mean, in many asian cultures "KNOWLEDGE" and "AGE" are considered highly prestigious. I think its called Stratification in Society, which is strong in asian nations (like Japan).