Sudden anxiety relapse

[coral_flower]

Hi all!

I am new here. I discovered this forum while googling anxiety connected with attraction, it gave me this result (among others) so I decided to open this topic and maybe get some insight, stories, advice...

I am in my early thirties and I suffer anxiety&depression for more than a decade now. I've had a really bad period last year when living abroad and that was one of the reasons I moved back home.

Since I came back I had no anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I thought I was fine regarding this issue. I have no need for anxiety meds, just ADs.

I go to therapy (have been with the same therapist for three years and I am very satisfied) and I think I made some real progress (and so does he).


Recently I had to go to a certain place and visit a certain person I have met eight years ago. It's a semi-professional environment (professional for him because I am his client) and I prepared mentally for it and thought I was fine and that there was no need to take an anxiety medication beforehand.

When we met all those years ago I felt (for some reason) a strong attraction to this man. So much so that I would get extremely anxious around him (shaking, sweaty palms, crazy heart rate, blushing, stuttering... ) and it was very awkward for me. We had to be in contact for several months and it did get better but as much as I was attracted to him I just couldn't wait for all that to be over so I wouldn't have to see him again.

He is definitely not my type of a guy and I was puzzled as to why I am so fond of him. He is a nice guy, kind of cute (maybe?), professional, an expert in his field but there is nothing about him that stands out (to me) and that could justify the insanely intense emotional and physical reaction that I had.

Anyway. This time around it was even worse. Maybe because I thought that so much time had passed and I failed to prepare, I don't know. I went over what I am going to say and do so many times in my head and I thought I'd be flawless. Yeah, didn't happen.

I could barely look at him. I had TICKS. My whole face and body FROZE. I stuttered. I really wanted to just get up and leave but that was out of the question. I felt trapped and paralyzed in that bright, sterile room and there was no way out. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and I was on the verge of tears. At one point I literally choked on saliva and made weird sounds then tried to cover it up with coughing. When he looked at me I said 'I apologise, I am ill'. Yeah, ill, but not in that way...

I also blinked uncontrollably and made occasional weird sounds.

I was just a mess and couldn't even talk properly and describe the issue that I needed to describe and I felt like an idiot. I am a smart, well-spoken, grown-*** woman who behaved like a blithering moron.

I can't stop thinking about it. I'll need to see him again soon and I am so afraid this will happen again. Why this guy? What's wrong with me? I googled him beforehand and he's not even that hot? I don't find him attractive when I look at the pictures. He's just a guy. :idontknow:

This kind of thing doesn't happen to me often. I do get anxiety attacks with the guys I like but those are usually people I am in some kind of 'relationship' with (dating, flirting, something). I haven't seen this person in years. Is this something biological? Do I find him attractive on a very primal, subconscious level? Why does he frighten me so much and why was my reaction so intense?

One way to prevent this would be to just not see him again which would also be utterly irrational and a completely wrong choice because he really is an expert in his field and I'd be making a huge mistake by doing that. It would solve my issue but it would also make me give up and not face the issue head-on.

I know this is a long post but I feel deeply, profoundly shaken by this experience. My next therapy session is on Monday and I'll definitely talk to my therapist about it but I needed to share this with someone who'd understand (none of my friends have anxiety of this level).

Help? :question:

 

[FountainandFairfax]

It sounds like a healthy, grown-up attraction that's been complicated by your anxiety disorder.

 

[lily]

you've got me confused too but like you said it could be an attraction you have on a subconscious level along with your anxiety and perhaps low self-esteem or just your anxiety.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

It sounds like that first encounter just psyched you out.. like maybe in the beginning, you got super anxious and stuff as a fluke or because of the random attraction, and the anxiety you held on to for so long about having to see him again really just psyched you out this time and made things that much worse. Maybe his successful position kinda freaks you out and you look up to him and feel inferior in some way? Whatever the case, its all in your head, and what this guy thinks really doesn't hold that much weight anyway, hun he's probably delt with all kinds of different people, so find comfort knowing that he probably understands that people aren't perfect, we all have quirks and funny things about us. Just try to "fake it til you make it"; like instead of thinking "omg I'm acting crazy, this is so awkward and awful", lie to yourself if you have to, tell yourself more positive things instead or just "I'm all good, things are fine, I'm fine, no worries".. if negative thoughts can make us crumble and keep pushing us down, who says positive thoughts can't do the opposite?! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I hope things go better next time! Chin up, laugh at yourself if you have to, life is silly sometimes!

 

[coral_flower]

Thank you for your replies.


I don't think my self-esteem is that bad. It's not great but it's not so bad to the point that it debilitates me. One thing I am very confident with is my verbal skills. That is one of the reasons I am so struck by this. I became this stuttering teenager in a matter of seconds!

@agoraphobickatie

I am not sure the 'fake it 'till you make it' will work for me. It somehow never does.

I've been in similar situations where I was strongly attracted to someone (at work, for instance) and I never behaved this way even if I felt anxious. I'd converse normally, flirted regularly and was generally giving the impression of being relaxed even if that wasn't the case.

My anxiety would become debilitating if I started to feel the person in question became a threat in some way (if I felt I lost their respect/fondness of me or that they're doing something behind my back etc.). This guy did nothing of the sort, he's super nice and I see no reason to feel uncomfortable in his presence. Yet, that is what is happening.

It's not so much about him (apropos what this guy thinks really doesn't hold that much weight anyway, hun he's probably delt with all kinds of different people, so find comfort knowing that he probably understands that people aren't perfect, we all have quirks and funny things about us) as much it is about me. I don't want to feel this way, it makes me extremely sad and I feel like I haven't progressed anywhere in the last xy years since I last saw him. I barely even thought about him in those years (I'd mention him to a friend when I would tell a funny anecdote or something like that).

I guess he does frighten me because of his expertise but I also don't understand why, I've dealt with various people throughout my life, men included. None of them had this impact on me. :idontknow:

Yes, positive thoughts can have a positive impact but those positive thoughts brought me where I am now. I thought I was fine and I was thinking positively and concluded I didn't need any medication before that encounter.

I'm over-analysing, I know. I'd like to get to the bottom of this because I, maybe falsely, think that if I can somehow find a cause of anxiety and deconstruct it I'd stop having it.