LeDiskoLove99
Well-known member
So I have known my best friend for close to six years, we are extremely close, we have this connection that most people cannot even begin to understand, which sounds a little exaggerated, but honestly no one but us fully understands it. It is the strongest connection I have ever had to another human being. And it's been this way from the beginning even before I started falling for her.
And that's where things get complicated, for about the third year of our friendship I noticed that I was starting to feel really strongly about her, other than our usual intense connection. And I tried to ignore it, and kept telling myself that I WAS NOT in love with her. But after a while I really just couldn't keep lying to myself. I was very much in love with her, and it was hard. I didn't want to tell her at first because for me it was embarrassing for me, perhaps that has to do with my view of myself, but it was embarrassing and made me feel far too open. I told her anyway, and of course she had the reaction I figured she would have, she hugged me, told me that she loved me very much (of course not in that way) and that it didn't have to be weird between us. She had one point had a crush on me but after growing close with me that kind of changed to plantonic love. Anyway it wasn't weird between us, at least not on her part. For me it was harder, to feel that open with her about the one thing I'm never open about.
Well throughout her various relationships I was going through hell, it hurt a lot to know she was with these people, some of them that treated her truly horribly. And here is where it gets complicated. Shes a lesbian, however she's been known to meet guys who she becomes close with and ends up dating, she really isn't happy being a lesbian, she felt like she got dealt a crappy hand and really just wanted to run from it, well and also she cared about these people. She's had girlfriends, and no matter who she was with it was hell for me, she tends to become so invested with that one person that I just can't escape from their relationship and I can't ignore it.
Well now she's married to a wonderful man, I love him a lot. We are all very close, she even told him that when he was marrying her he was marrying me so I often call them my married couple haha. And after years and years of hurting, and the jealousy and secretly hating (while not wanting to) the people she was with I'm starting to get over her a little bit. I thought I was completely over her there for a while, but yet again I was lying to myself. I'm not completely over her, there is still that love there, deeper than the deep best friend love I have for her, she is my friend soulmate as I call her, and we are still close. I just still have those feelings and they're not as intense, but I still can't ignore them. Especially when I go to visit her (her and her husband live in another state) and we have "friend cuddles" time and I'm just snuggled up to her, and she smells amazing and I just realize how beautiful she is and I never want to move from that spot. She's very cuddly haha.
I've left out a lot of details because it's been nearly six years of dealing with the hell of being in love with someone and having to deal with all that comes with it. I would like to clarify I never was pinning away for her, I knew that we would never work out as a couple, and I never really wanted to try a relationship with her, but still I was deeply in love with her, like I said it's going away now, but I'm still holding onto it, not by choice, but it's still there, And occasionally it's still hard when her and her husband are so cute and lovey together. But I'm hoping that one day I will be completely over her, although I have to admit I don't think I'll ever be fully over her. And this hasn't changed our relationship, it just made things more complicated for me. It hurt in ways I cannot explain when I saw her with someone else, I never thought I'd experience that kind of pain, it made me feel literally like finding a whole to crawl into to die.
But at this point I'm a lot better than I was and I can deal with it much better, it doesn't hurt as bad. And it's kind of nice to have some of the feelings of love without all the hurt. But I'm still hoping that I can get fully over her. I'm working on it!
Anyway, there wasn't much of a point to this other than to share this with someone other than my best friend. I'm sorry it's a little choppy and jumpy, but it would take too long to make a full description of the years of being in love with her.
So I'll just leave it at this, who else has been here? Does it not suck and feel wonderful at the same time?
Side note: Anyone who actually read all of this, you are AWESOME! Thanks for taking the time to do so. I know it's very long.
And that's where things get complicated, for about the third year of our friendship I noticed that I was starting to feel really strongly about her, other than our usual intense connection. And I tried to ignore it, and kept telling myself that I WAS NOT in love with her. But after a while I really just couldn't keep lying to myself. I was very much in love with her, and it was hard. I didn't want to tell her at first because for me it was embarrassing for me, perhaps that has to do with my view of myself, but it was embarrassing and made me feel far too open. I told her anyway, and of course she had the reaction I figured she would have, she hugged me, told me that she loved me very much (of course not in that way) and that it didn't have to be weird between us. She had one point had a crush on me but after growing close with me that kind of changed to plantonic love. Anyway it wasn't weird between us, at least not on her part. For me it was harder, to feel that open with her about the one thing I'm never open about.
Well throughout her various relationships I was going through hell, it hurt a lot to know she was with these people, some of them that treated her truly horribly. And here is where it gets complicated. Shes a lesbian, however she's been known to meet guys who she becomes close with and ends up dating, she really isn't happy being a lesbian, she felt like she got dealt a crappy hand and really just wanted to run from it, well and also she cared about these people. She's had girlfriends, and no matter who she was with it was hell for me, she tends to become so invested with that one person that I just can't escape from their relationship and I can't ignore it.
Well now she's married to a wonderful man, I love him a lot. We are all very close, she even told him that when he was marrying her he was marrying me so I often call them my married couple haha. And after years and years of hurting, and the jealousy and secretly hating (while not wanting to) the people she was with I'm starting to get over her a little bit. I thought I was completely over her there for a while, but yet again I was lying to myself. I'm not completely over her, there is still that love there, deeper than the deep best friend love I have for her, she is my friend soulmate as I call her, and we are still close. I just still have those feelings and they're not as intense, but I still can't ignore them. Especially when I go to visit her (her and her husband live in another state) and we have "friend cuddles" time and I'm just snuggled up to her, and she smells amazing and I just realize how beautiful she is and I never want to move from that spot. She's very cuddly haha.
I've left out a lot of details because it's been nearly six years of dealing with the hell of being in love with someone and having to deal with all that comes with it. I would like to clarify I never was pinning away for her, I knew that we would never work out as a couple, and I never really wanted to try a relationship with her, but still I was deeply in love with her, like I said it's going away now, but I'm still holding onto it, not by choice, but it's still there, And occasionally it's still hard when her and her husband are so cute and lovey together. But I'm hoping that one day I will be completely over her, although I have to admit I don't think I'll ever be fully over her. And this hasn't changed our relationship, it just made things more complicated for me. It hurt in ways I cannot explain when I saw her with someone else, I never thought I'd experience that kind of pain, it made me feel literally like finding a whole to crawl into to die.
But at this point I'm a lot better than I was and I can deal with it much better, it doesn't hurt as bad. And it's kind of nice to have some of the feelings of love without all the hurt. But I'm still hoping that I can get fully over her. I'm working on it!
Anyway, there wasn't much of a point to this other than to share this with someone other than my best friend. I'm sorry it's a little choppy and jumpy, but it would take too long to make a full description of the years of being in love with her.
So I'll just leave it at this, who else has been here? Does it not suck and feel wonderful at the same time?
Side note: Anyone who actually read all of this, you are AWESOME! Thanks for taking the time to do so. I know it's very long.