Still not over my best friend

[LeDiskoLove99]

So I have known my best friend for close to six years, we are extremely close, we have this connection that most people cannot even begin to understand, which sounds a little exaggerated, but honestly no one but us fully understands it. It is the strongest connection I have ever had to another human being. And it's been this way from the beginning even before I started falling for her.

And that's where things get complicated, for about the third year of our friendship I noticed that I was starting to feel really strongly about her, other than our usual intense connection. And I tried to ignore it, and kept telling myself that I WAS NOT in love with her. But after a while I really just couldn't keep lying to myself. I was very much in love with her, and it was hard. I didn't want to tell her at first because for me it was embarrassing for me, perhaps that has to do with my view of myself, but it was embarrassing and made me feel far too open. I told her anyway, and of course she had the reaction I figured she would have, she hugged me, told me that she loved me very much (of course not in that way) and that it didn't have to be weird between us. She had one point had a crush on me but after growing close with me that kind of changed to plantonic love. Anyway it wasn't weird between us, at least not on her part. For me it was harder, to feel that open with her about the one thing I'm never open about.

Well throughout her various relationships I was going through hell, it hurt a lot to know she was with these people, some of them that treated her truly horribly. And here is where it gets complicated. Shes a lesbian, however she's been known to meet guys who she becomes close with and ends up dating, she really isn't happy being a lesbian, she felt like she got dealt a crappy hand and really just wanted to run from it, well and also she cared about these people. She's had girlfriends, and no matter who she was with it was hell for me, she tends to become so invested with that one person that I just can't escape from their relationship and I can't ignore it.

Well now she's married to a wonderful man, I love him a lot. We are all very close, she even told him that when he was marrying her he was marrying me so I often call them my married couple haha. And after years and years of hurting, and the jealousy and secretly hating (while not wanting to) the people she was with I'm starting to get over her a little bit. I thought I was completely over her there for a while, but yet again I was lying to myself. I'm not completely over her, there is still that love there, deeper than the deep best friend love I have for her, she is my friend soulmate as I call her, and we are still close. I just still have those feelings and they're not as intense, but I still can't ignore them. Especially when I go to visit her (her and her husband live in another state) and we have "friend cuddles" time and I'm just snuggled up to her, and she smells amazing and I just realize how beautiful she is and I never want to move from that spot. She's very cuddly haha.

I've left out a lot of details because it's been nearly six years of dealing with the hell of being in love with someone and having to deal with all that comes with it. I would like to clarify I never was pinning away for her, I knew that we would never work out as a couple, and I never really wanted to try a relationship with her, but still I was deeply in love with her, like I said it's going away now, but I'm still holding onto it, not by choice, but it's still there, And occasionally it's still hard when her and her husband are so cute and lovey together. But I'm hoping that one day I will be completely over her, although I have to admit I don't think I'll ever be fully over her. And this hasn't changed our relationship, it just made things more complicated for me. It hurt in ways I cannot explain when I saw her with someone else, I never thought I'd experience that kind of pain, it made me feel literally like finding a whole to crawl into to die.

But at this point I'm a lot better than I was and I can deal with it much better, it doesn't hurt as bad. And it's kind of nice to have some of the feelings of love without all the hurt. But I'm still hoping that I can get fully over her. I'm working on it!

Anyway, there wasn't much of a point to this other than to share this with someone other than my best friend. I'm sorry it's a little choppy and jumpy, but it would take too long to make a full description of the years of being in love with her.

So I'll just leave it at this, who else has been here? Does it not suck and feel wonderful at the same time?

Side note: Anyone who actually read all of this, you are AWESOME! Thanks for taking the time to do so. I know it's very long.

 

[MikeyC]

Ah, this feeling. A feeling of love that you can't dispose of. I've been there. I'd wager many people have been there in one point in their lives.

I think the only way to get over her fully is to completely stop seeing her. That won't happen because of the strong friendship the two of you have, but that's the best way to alleviate any feelings that are causing you grief. Continuing to see her only brings those feelings back out.

Seeing her with other men/women must be really difficult for you, and I've been in that spot with others. It sucks. The quicker you can accept that she's not going to be with you in any form other than friendship, the quicker you'll get through that and be happy for her that she's happy.

But yeah, I was infatuated with a girl for three years, who eventually broke my heart. I hope it doesn't get to be that way for you.

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

Ah, this feeling. A feeling of love that you can't dispose of. I've been there. I'd wager many people have been there in one point in their lives.

I think the only way to get over her fully is to completely stop seeing her. That won't happen because of the strong friendship the two of you have, but that's the best way to alleviate any feelings that are causing you grief. Continuing to see her only brings those feelings back out.

Seeing her with other men/women must be really difficult for you, and I've been in that spot with others. It sucks. The quicker you can accept that she's not going to be with you in any form other than friendship, the quicker you'll get through that and be happy for her that she's happy.

But yeah, I was infatuated with a girl for three years, who eventually broke my heart. I hope it doesn't get to be that way for you.

Thank you for reading and responding, it's nice to hear other peoples stories, well obviously I'm not happy that you went through such pain. But it helps to share. Love sucks but hey it happens right? Anyway, thank you for actually taking the time, and I'm sorry about your situation. I really feel for you.

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

I am positive I met my soul mate at uni in 1996. It was love at first sight, for me anyway. I found out soon after she was in a long term relationship (with a *****, of course). After a year I finally got into a tutorial group with her, and we immediately became best friends. After I was sure of the mutuality of our relationship, I decided to do something about it on the next two ecology field trips when we would be alone. Like and act of a spiteful God, both times she came down ill (no really, she did). At the end of that year, she finally broke it off with said *****. Next year would be the year. However, she was having an existential crisis and needed to find herself after quitting uni and break up with three year boyfriend, who I found out later cheated on her twice. Anyway, she moved to Sydney to have a gap year, work and maybe travel. We stayed in touch. About two months into that year she came back to town to visit. I had her for 48 hours to myself. There was a moment one night when I should have done something and claimed her, but I didn't, why?

1. Because of my obsessive nature, I didn't want to fail another year of uni pining over her when she went back to Sydney, especially if she did meet someone else.
2. I didn't want to sleep with her that night, even though she might have wanted to....I wanted it to be "perfect" when we got together finally, didn't want her to think I was just into her for that....

Well, I was a loser and didn't do anything, just escorted her back to the taxi. The next day there was another perfect "kiss me" moment, on Wategos Beach at Byron Bay, perfect everything. Still I didn't want to start the emotional landslide in my most important year of uni. She went back to Sydney probably thinking I just wanted to be friends. I will never know. About mid year, she did meet someone else. By the time I was "ready" at the end of the year, she had an accident with him and was pregnant. I cannot tell you how devastated I was.

Moral of the story; if you know want something and you are sure of it, stuff caution, stuff the consequences, seize what you want then and there, you may never get a second chance. If you fail, then it was not meant to be.

I didn't see her for ten years after that, in which she had four more kids, two to the first, then she left him, she was alone for seven years then finally met someone else, and had two more. They are happily married now.

I know I shouldn't have looked her up, but whenever we do meet now, I can feel the old emotions flaring up in both of us.

This is probably the greatest regret of my life, I know she was the one.

If you think you have found them, don't hesitate. You will end up like me, alone, haunted and miserable for the rest of your life wondering "if only I....."

Sigh. I know how you feel my friend, I was there. I've had plenty of opportunities to kiss her and didn't take it out of fear, and while I'm not over her yet, I feel slightly more at peace than before. But I can understand how you feel, completely. I wouldn't say you were a loser, sometimes our mind just gets in the way. Anyway thanks for responding and sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience, and it would seem we are all in good company.

 

[jaim38]

I've had several crushes over my life, with the longest one being 2 years. The guy told me he liked another girl, so I had to give up. I suffered pain for almost another year before finally letting go and moving on. I felt so relieved! Crushes are no fun!

On another topic, I don't believe I can be best friends (BFFs) with the opposite sex, because things could get really messy. I had several ordinary guy friends, but I never did things like hold hands, cuddle, snuggle, or say things like "when I marry, my husband will be marrying you too..." because it would give them the wrong impression that I like them in a romantic sense. I don't want the guy friends be mislead, only to find out the truth at the end and be hurt.