Socially Phobic/Anxious Parents of School-Age Children

[Sinar_Matahari]

My child will be starting her first day of school very soon and we are all very excited, hopeful and happy for this. However, there is something that's been eating at me. I was hoping to find parents among you who may have/had experienced worry and or anxiety when your children first started school. Particularly those of you who have experienced bullying at some point during your own school years. My fear is that my child will be seen as "different" by the other children and that this might prompt them to ostracize or bully her. She hasn't had much to do with other children since none of my friends have children themselves. I have this worry that she hasn't been adequately socialized with other kids her age and that she might come across as strange to the other kids...we know that children don't take too kindly to those whom they consider strange. A few weeks ago, after having spent the day with her grandfather, she reported that she tried to play with some kids who not only refused to play with her, but also called her names. Upon asking her how she had reacted, she said that she didn't say or do anything. She actually didn't seem to be upset over it. Obviously, I was happy that she wasn't upset, but now I'm afraid that she might mistake taunting for playfulness and that this might open her up for more attacks from other kids in the future. I didn't have the best experiences growing up and maybe this is just me being paranoid...maybe it's normal parental first day of school jitters. No one wishes for their children to be mistreated by others. Just the thought breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time. I normally let things roll off my back, but not when it comes to my child. My kid's father tried to explain to her that there might be some children who aren't so nice, but I don't want her to start her first school year with worries so I shushed him. I'm also afraid that she will subconsciously pick up on my own worry, making her anxious/fearful as well. Parents, have you ever found yourself in this situation and how did you cope with it? I just haven't had anything mess with my head like this for a while.

 

[TheSanctuarian]

To be honest, it depends on the age of the child. I haven't met one parent yet who hasn't been a little nervous about sending their kids to school on their first day or any year after that. My mum gets more excited that worried now though. Kids are resilient, unless you are pressuring her, she will be fine. I'm sure she will be fine. she'll meet more kids like her, and she will enjoy her time at school. it won't be easy, the first few days aren't. only time will tell..

 

[Waybuloo]

I suppose what sort of area, and the type of school your kid is going to will make a difference. I went to an all white primary school (I was an Asian kid), but most kids were nice to me. I was obviously very different, but they embraced me and took me to play with them, even when I spoke no English at the beginning. Some were very patient with me as well. The next school I went to, a lot of the kids were from immigrant stock and for some reason weren't very peaceful, were somewhat aggressive and many resorted to being bullies/racists. I think you have to keep in mind the socioeconomic background of the children at her school. That incident might just be a one off and she won't run into children like that. If you think there is a chance she will, tell her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, give people a second chance, and if they keep ostracising her/making fun of her, stand up for herself and talk back, and concentrate on being nice to people who are nice to her. It's no fun to make fun of someone who doesn't take it to heart. The next time that happens, just tell her about all her good qualities, and that she means a lot to you, and that children who do that to her are insecure themselves. Tell her she will have a lot of fun at school (so that she will look forward to it).

The most important thing is to provide a good home/familial support and love so that no matter what happens, she will always have shelter from the storm and a place from which to draw strength. I didn't have familial support when I went through rough times at school and just ostracised myself as I didn't know how to deal with life. It would've been good to have a loving parent to tell my worries to, so always be there to listen to her, which i'm sure you are already doing, seeing as you are a very caring mother.

As for socialising, she has a whole lifetime for that, and it's not too late at 4/5 years of age. My toddler is nearly 2, and we've never had a playmate for her, I don't know anyone around me who has kids. All we ever did was to take her to the local parks (where there are nice kids from good backgrounds) so that she got good exposure to children who were nice, well brought up and friendly. She isn't scared of people and often wants to join other kids to play. Sometimes the bigger kids ignore her but I don't think she notices. I don't think anything negative will have an impact unless it's repeated or if you don't rectify its significance to her by telling her otherwise.

Maybe reserve your worries until school actually starts. If something doesn't go well, come back again with specifics and we'll see what we can do.

ps can I ask what were these names those kids called your daughter? Also In what way do you think she may be strange to other kids..is it only because she isn't socialised enough ?

 

[Waybuloo]

This was a big worry for us, so we chose a school partly based on the principal's views on bullying - it wasn't tolerated in the school that we chose and bullies where handled firmly.

This reminds me, we have a system in Britain where a school is rated not only on academic results but on social cohesion including bullying, how children viewed the school etc. Can you access such information where you live? Talking to a principal may provide a skewed point of view, what principal wouldn't want to say they are harsh on bullying? But if you ask around, see if there are any local forums, ask questions on there about school bullying record. We also have a forum for the locality we live in and there is a very long thread on the desirability of some local schools.

 

[Remus]

Ahh yeah, the OFSTED report. Wish they had that when I was at school!