Thanks for replies.
what worries me, that ill never have that feeling of knowing im completely myself around someone build up trust and have that reciprocated. its just the feeling of seemingly being totally out of control of it. we can make all the effort we can to help ourself but if it isnt meant to be it wont happen, its scares the hell out of me that that might be my fate and theres nothing i can do about it. I cant say, like you, that i KNOW I wont ever have it.
One thing i do believe though is that there are certain people that just are not meant to be in your life. Since the anxiety has left me so lonely Ive quite a few times ended up clinging onto anyone that seems to show any interest in being my friend, which is something "normal people" dont have to do, because they just build up close friendships to people they have most in common with etc and it just happens naturally. It doesnt naturally with me so ive many times just tried and tried with people who do not respect my efforts to be a part of their "gang". because it just doesnt happen like that but thats the only way i know how. its an awkwardness that comes with not knowing how to just relax and socialise and go from there like everyone else does. BUT i do a friend that is STILL there, STILL talks to me, STILL wants to go out every now and then. even after all my ups and downs and everything, and as cliche as it sounds its shown me that she is just meant to be in my life, so much has happened and shes still there thats gotta stand for something. other people, (and i think those with SA will come across these more than most) no matter how much you wanna be in their life, wanna mean something to them, want your friendship to be of value...it just wont happen, they just wont return that respect and i used to hate these cliches but..if theyre not gonna reciprocate that feeling and effort..do you really want them on your life anyway??