Im typing from Europe. Here we have different laws abt jobs: i meant here most companies cant kick you out without having a valid reason. That's why always a person grows up, have a family and die in the same place, having around mostly the same people, including friends they have known since they were only children.All of this doesnt help ppl who are shy and that dont get along with ppl living in the same place. Even though they change, they will have to deal with groups of people who know one another and go out since they were children so kind of no room available for people coming from other places. This is Europe. But in the US, where u can be kicked out at any moment and that changing place is quite common, how's it possible having problems with shyness? In fact, even though you change place, you will not find groups of people knowing one another for very long, so there are more chances to be accepted and make new friends. Or I am wrong? Anyway that's why hearing social problems in the US sounded very strange to me. What do you think about it?
Shyness in the US: how possible
- Thread starter shycrs
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Lea
Banned
First of all, where are you from? Are you a native of Europe (if it´s not secret what country, because there can be also differences between countries), or are you an American living in Europe?
But anyway, I think real shyness is a disease, which doesn´t depend on the outer environment or conditions.
But anyway, I think real shyness is a disease, which doesn´t depend on the outer environment or conditions.
I am from Italy and I'm italian. Here there's no room for shy people... They can't do much to improve their situations... But where there's no full time job (i mean, where companies can kick workers out easily) shyness should be unknown... And almost everyone should have a job where they can show their skills and meet new people and make new friends easily... That's what I think but I dont know how it works there.
Opaline
1
Oooooo, an Italian right from Italy!
And we have a German who lives in Germany. Sorry, I get excited about these things.
Not helpful to the OP, but I just wanted to pop in and say that. I will be going now.
bleach
Banned
you are right in saying that Americans are more mobile and rootless than Europeans. But there are two sides to that. Yes it is relatively easy to reinvent yourself and restart your life if you move farther from home. However, the same mobility makes the sense of community much more shallow, and makes it easier for a person with SA to be rejected and hide away from the world. Where I live, in New York, the culture is especially self-centered and atomized. Basic manners and friendliness are nonexistant, everyone is treated as unimportant and disposable. This is an extreme case, not all of the US is that bad, but may places are equally bad--all of the big cities. I think it would be better to try to fit in at home than travel around the world trying to get away from yourself... you can't run away from SA, because it's in you. A change of scenery helps for a little while but the old problems will resurface.
Opaline
1
Wow, a post of yours I agree with
I think this is spot on.
People are people no matter where you go. It might help to move if you believe you can start over with people and create a reputation of not being shy right from the get-go. This is unlikely though, or many of us here would not be on this forum at all.
That was actually my goal when I went to college, but I was just as awkward and alone as before.
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The point is that: if people are rootless, they will be more friendly and more available to make new friends, so maybe shy people have more chances to overcome their problems. If people have been going out with same others for 10, 20, 30, 40 years, they are more close-minded, definitely!!! One thing more: if you can be kick out from job very easily, you can't be content with any job, but you have to look for a job that fit with your skills; while in Europe, people are content with any job just cause often it's full time and they can't be kicked out without a valid reason. For those reasons, here losing a job or being forced to move is quite tragic! Atomized culture is typical of any city, and the good thing is that in a big environment it's easier to take part in something we really like and therefore meet people having similar interests! What could we do in a small place? Just smoke, drink (getting drunk), disco, football (I'm talking about small villages in my country) and not much more! One city has got lots of associations, organizations, we have only to look for the ones fitting with our personality!! And get there with public services or a bike (so we don't need to drive). Is there anything wrong in my speech?
Gianluca1981
Member
Hello shycrs, I'm Italian too, I came in London three months ago in order to learn english and try to become more friendly, overcome shyness and the avoidant disorder.
It was very hard to change city and country, don't speak english at all, don't know nobody and have our problem. But was a personal challenge.
At the beginning I wasn't able to go to the restaurants and shops to give my cv and ask if they had any vacancies, I was too shy, I spent 10 days searching the brave to do all this. At the end, with violence on myself, I gave my cv in about 20 shops.
A restaurant called me for a position of waiter! I was the happiest person in the world! I started to work, but I had very big problem to have relationship with the customer, I was shy to move, ask, speak, and I wasn't able to understand what the customer asked me. After one month the manager called me and said "you are not suitable for this job" and fired me (or kick me out). It was the worst day in my life.
In spite of everything this was a great experience for myself, now I am more confident, less shy, more brave. The next time will be better because I have an experience yet. We can go step by step. We must try, challenge ourself and not stay in home thinking "I am shy, I have problem, I can't go anywhere".
Go out and try to live! You mustn't think! Nothing bad can happen !!
P.S. sorry for my poor english
It was very hard to change city and country, don't speak english at all, don't know nobody and have our problem. But was a personal challenge.
At the beginning I wasn't able to go to the restaurants and shops to give my cv and ask if they had any vacancies, I was too shy, I spent 10 days searching the brave to do all this. At the end, with violence on myself, I gave my cv in about 20 shops.
A restaurant called me for a position of waiter! I was the happiest person in the world! I started to work, but I had very big problem to have relationship with the customer, I was shy to move, ask, speak, and I wasn't able to understand what the customer asked me. After one month the manager called me and said "you are not suitable for this job" and fired me (or kick me out). It was the worst day in my life.
In spite of everything this was a great experience for myself, now I am more confident, less shy, more brave. The next time will be better because I have an experience yet. We can go step by step. We must try, challenge ourself and not stay in home thinking "I am shy, I have problem, I can't go anywhere".
Go out and try to live! You mustn't think! Nothing bad can happen !!
P.S. sorry for my poor english
Absolutely agree.
To the OP: I'm also from a latin country (Catalonia) and understand how you feel. I use to put it in the terms of individual vs. group focus. As a shy guy I also tend to like anglo-saxon values more than ours, since they have a tendency to encourage social individualism more than social collectivism.
But as everything in this life, a certain balance must be achieved, and as extreme collectivism is not good as it creates this kind of tensions you describe to people that for whatever reason get kicked out of the main group like us, extreme individualism may take the shape of illness in SA form so it's not good either. Plus, nowadays with computers and stuff shyness-prone people have all the easiness in withdrawing from the group, and this is not a sane behavior. A very similar thing happens with city vs rural behaviors, since in the village encourages group interactions and the opposite in city environments.
But as Bleach said before, it's not about the place, but about oneself finding a right balance.
But as everything in this life, a certain balance must be achieved, and as extreme collectivism is not good as it creates this kind of tensions you describe to people that for whatever reason get kicked out of the main group like us, extreme individualism may take the shape of illness in SA form so it's not good either. Plus, nowadays with computers and stuff shyness-prone people have all the easiness in withdrawing from the group, and this is not a sane behavior. A very similar thing happens with city vs rural behaviors, since in the village encourages group interactions and the opposite in city environments.
But as Bleach said before, it's not about the place, but about oneself finding a right balance.
coyote
Well-known member
an argument could be made for the complete opposite
why should there be more social anxiety among people who live all their lives in the same, small, tightly knit community where there is a large support network of close friends and family to encourage, validate, and bolster each other's self-esteem?
as far as the America vs Italy thing goes - the U.S. is a very large country and not everyone lives in the same fashion - there are as many people who live their whole lives in small, rural, traditional towns and villages as there are who live in large urban areas and move around frequently
why should there be more social anxiety among people who live all their lives in the same, small, tightly knit community where there is a large support network of close friends and family to encourage, validate, and bolster each other's self-esteem?
as far as the America vs Italy thing goes - the U.S. is a very large country and not everyone lives in the same fashion - there are as many people who live their whole lives in small, rural, traditional towns and villages as there are who live in large urban areas and move around frequently
Who said that those tightly knit communities have got a large support network of people loving shy people? They might also try to destroy shy people just cause they are different than them! And trying to change place will not solve anything because in every place everyone has known everyone since they were born so almost no room available for people coming from other places! While in the US given that people is rootless, they should be more open-minded and should be easier to find people available to meet new people! I dont want this topic to be a fight Usa vs Italy, i just would like to understand if an environment having more permissive laws about jobs is better for shy people than an environment where people often live their own lives in the same place! In my small village i dont remember anyone having my same age trying to encourage me in order to make me feel more self-confident! Having around people open-minded and available to know you better and forgiving your being shy (with people you're free to be yourself and who with you feel comfortable) would be a very good start to feel better!
Amitush123
Well-known member
I don't think that the country has much weight, I'm from Israel, in which most people have middle - eastern traits - warm, very friendly..yet me and some other like me are very shy and introvent..
dottie
Well-known member
i agree with bleach.
american lifestyle (where i'm from, anyway) is rootless. most of us have families that are spread across the nation so we don't have a deep connection to them. but that doesn't help social anxiety. when you get a job, they can fire you for any reason. you are dispensable, replaceable. this instills a huge pressure to be accepted so that they will keep you. it also causes an extreme sense of competitiveness between peers. you have to prove your are as valuable, if not more valuable, than the others. you burn yourself out trying to keep up and prove your worth. socially, there is a whole pecking order in the workplace and if you don't fit in, you're screwed. it is frowned upon to be a job hopper and if you ever want to be taken seriously or make real money you have to settle down. although americans don't have deep roots, we aren't just a bunch of leisurely transients.
american lifestyle (where i'm from, anyway) is rootless. most of us have families that are spread across the nation so we don't have a deep connection to them. but that doesn't help social anxiety. when you get a job, they can fire you for any reason. you are dispensable, replaceable. this instills a huge pressure to be accepted so that they will keep you. it also causes an extreme sense of competitiveness between peers. you have to prove your are as valuable, if not more valuable, than the others. you burn yourself out trying to keep up and prove your worth. socially, there is a whole pecking order in the workplace and if you don't fit in, you're screwed. it is frowned upon to be a job hopper and if you ever want to be taken seriously or make real money you have to settle down. although americans don't have deep roots, we aren't just a bunch of leisurely transients.
louiselouise
Member
I think every country have shy people. I'm from Asia i think Asia got more shy people and they are more reserved. They are not so outspoken like the westerner. At least in US there are books and seminars and courses for shy people. In Asia, nobody will care about other people being shy.
Ambere
Active member
I'm from the US and I live in a little, small town where I have known people literally my entire life and I am shy as heck. Whether you are shy or not is really a matter of how you were raised. It's more about who you are then what your lifestyle is and usually the two go hand in hand. I didn't choose to live in a small town and it definitely didn't encourage anything but shyness. Small towns can be really intimidating if you haven't lived their your whole life, but anyways that's another topic.
LifeInternal88
Well-known member
Hey!
I think (I'm not saying I'm right) shyness is usually inherited. But, anyway...
It's always hard to generalize. Some shy people might cope in the American culture you invision, some might be pushed further into their shyness with that very same environment. Other shy people might be better suited in the more small town/secure job/familiar people/constance you described where you live because the familiarity would make them more comfortable. Encountering the same people at the same job for all those years might work better than the whole big city, lots of new people approach.
But I think if you believe the US type culture might help you overcome your shyness then go for it. Go somewhere where the culture is similar to that (most major cities). You have nothing to lose. And if it doesn't work out, you can always go back home.
I think (I'm not saying I'm right) shyness is usually inherited. But, anyway...
It's always hard to generalize. Some shy people might cope in the American culture you invision, some might be pushed further into their shyness with that very same environment. Other shy people might be better suited in the more small town/secure job/familiar people/constance you described where you live because the familiarity would make them more comfortable. Encountering the same people at the same job for all those years might work better than the whole big city, lots of new people approach.
But I think if you believe the US type culture might help you overcome your shyness then go for it. Go somewhere where the culture is similar to that (most major cities). You have nothing to lose. And if it doesn't work out, you can always go back home.
Shyness is possible in the US. The US is a mosaic of many cultures so everyone is raised differently. Some people turn out to be shy because of family and cultural influences while others are not shy. It depends on the environment they're raised in.
I personally don't fare well in small, tight-knit communities where everyone knows each other because I'm not a social person. I like privacy and anonymity.
I personally don't fare well in small, tight-knit communities where everyone knows each other because I'm not a social person. I like privacy and anonymity.