Shy boyfriend and low libido...

[XxJustMexX]

First I apologize if this is in the wrong section. I'm fairly new here and I thought this would be the best place... Second, I'm not sure if my bf is just shy or has SA so keep that in mind while reading...

OK, so I've been dating "Tom" (name changed of course ) for 2 months. We'd met a few months prior to that through a mutual friend (my friend and roommate, he's also my best friend's bf). Long story short, he liked me since the day we met, I started reciprocating shortly after and due to his shyness we didn't really become official until I started initiating and taking charge (lol, funny putting it that way) about a month or so later... Anyway, since dating Tom, I've been in and out of this and another forum racking my brain trying to keep myself understanding of his situation (and restore my sanity).

This time I come here for a little support and advice regarding our sex life (or lack thereof)... To go back a little, Tom is overboard shy with me. He's a shy guy in general, but with me it's really over the top. I've posted before about how intimacy is lacking with him because he seems just too darn shy to initiate any physical stuff with me like holding hands, kissing, etc... During the past couple of months, he's definitely gotten better and he's getting more and more comfortable initiating once in a while, but it's still me doing a majority of the initiating.

Anyway, so here's the problem. OK... I am aware people have different sex drives... But here's the deal, we've only been going out for 2 months. You would think that in this stage, most couples would be all over each other during the "honeymoon stage". It just doesn't feel... well... right. It's really starting to dampen my spirit. I have to constantly tell myself it isn't me... but that can fail sometimes during times of frustration...

Side note... I've never, NEVER felt the way I do about Tom with anyone else. He's AMAZING. He's the sweetest, most thoughtful and caring guy I've ever met. He always puts me first, does everything in his power to make me happy, and is constantly treating me like a queen. I consider myself not one of the luckiest, but THE luckiest woman in the world. I am VERY happy with him and I he is definitely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...

Now, with the intimacy thing, I'm giving him time as I believe he's just never learned to be intimate (childhood issue) and added to his shyness, he's definitely not very confident in that aspect. But the sex...? Forget about it. I think we have sex once every couple of weeks. I don't mean to sound like a horndog, but I'm a 30 year old woman at her sexual peak and frankly, it can get frustrating. Add that to the fact that at this stage of the relationship, most couples would still be all over each other. Us...? Not really.

Because I am best friends with his best friend's gf, I know a lot about Tom. I know he's very respectful, very shy, a bit on the low self esteem scale and basically just one of those elusive nice guys that any woman would be lucky to have. Why he's got low self esteem, I'll never know, as he's a very gorgeous guy. When we first met, I didn't even give him a second look because I figured he was way above my league and wasn't even gonna bother with him. I found out a couple weeks later that he was totally in love with me... For a couple months I'd flirt with him to let him know I liked him as well but that wasn't very productive so I finally decided to jump start our relationship by being the initiator... I've kind of taken the role of having the pants in our relationship as this is the only way we progress.

Anyway, so this is getting long. I'll try to finish. So because of a situation that happened before we started dating (which pretty much happened because of me) he got kicked out of a friend's parents' house whom he was renting from and he had to move into my place... couch status since I have kids and my only available room is already being rented out to our best friends. So because of this, we don't really get alone intimate time together except for the weekends when my kids usually stay at their grandparents' house for a day or two.

Well, this one day a week really is our only chance to sleep together (which I don't mind because by him moving in, it kind of sped up our relationship, so this way it at least slows it down a little and gives us space). Well, not once, but a few times on these days he just won't even acknowledge the fact that it's the only time we have together until the following week. I'm trying my hardest to be understanding and tell myself that it's not me. This happened this last weekend again, but I didn't even expect it because he'd been sick all week and I knew he wouldn't be in the mood. To give you a bigger understanding of our sex life... We had sex the prior weekend, and the last time before that was two weeks before! So really if you look at it, we've had sex once all month! I'd hate to sound ungrateful, but we're both 30 years old and at the beginning of our relationship and I just am not feeling enough passion. I do love him... with all my heart. I honestly can't imagine being with anybody else. He's the most wonderful guy I've ever met, and no this issue is not big enough for me to break it off. I guess I'm just venting or looking for advice here.

It's just hard for me to understand how a gorgeous young 30 year old male can have such a low libido... Trust me on this one, it's not me. This guy shows me with his actions every day how much he loves me, and it's confirmed by several of his friends. Everyone recognizes how much he's in love with me... So why is it so hard for him to be intimate and have sex with me?? Right now I know he's a little depressed because he's laid off and I know how much that can hurt a guy's ego... and yes, I know that can mess with his libido too... But really? THIS much? I'd hate to sound like an ungrateful person but I hope it's understandable to readers how this can be frustrating at times.

I don't know why I'm posting and rambling. I'm not sure if I need advice... need a self-esteem boost... or if I'm just ranting. Frankly I think the only reason it's becoming an issue is because it's now starting to take a hit to my own self-esteem. I knew before I got into a relationship with him that I needed to have double the self-esteem as normal... enough for the both of us, at least in the beginning until he gets past his uncomfortability and shyness. But ya, 2 months in I've started feeling insufficient myself and I have to tell myself daily to have patience with him. I guess I just need assurance from other shy guys that this is normal (at least for shy guys) and give me a little boost so I can refill my own ego and refill my patience...

I don't know if it's just me and I'm sounding like a sex-crazed chick right now, but I just don't think once every week or two is normal, especially at the beginning... and ESPECIALLY at 30 years old... I mean it probably wouldn't be as bad if we didn't have the intimacy issue as well, but this is just adding to that. I'm not bothered by the lack of intimacy because I can see that he's trying... and also I've just learned to initiate if I want to be close to him.

Anyway... I'm going to end my ramble here... Thoughts anyone?

 

[Agent_Violet]

I'm sure the fact that you're more aggressive than him hurts his ego as well. I'm not criticizing you for that, i'm aggressive too...but it can cause a man to retreat into his shell so to speak. You can do one of two things. Either have a no holds barred conversation about this with him and get to the root of the issue, no games,no beating around the bush just pure open honesty. OR you can play the game and back off from him a bit and see what he does. sometimes the fear of losing what you love jump starts you to take action of some sort.

I recommend the first choice but to each her own I suppose.

As a side note, this issue IS big enough to break you apart. Trust me. If you don't get some satisfaction from him at some point, all the other shiny wonderful things about him will fade into the background. I'm not saying that sex is everything but it is very important to some people and it sounds like it's important to you.

 

[Agent_Violet]

Oh, and another way to view this is perhaps he has a huge amount of respect for you and feels that having sex with you somehow tarnishes that? some men are like that. they can have sex all day long with someone they don't care about but when it comes to doing it with someone they really love and respect, it's difficult for them.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I just wanted to ask... is 2 months really considered a long time?
Some people just aren't comfortable enough with a partner to *have* a sex life until more time has passed.

If he is shy or has SA, he probably needs to feel more secure with you - no matter how many advances you make, he may not really trust you 100% yet.
I know I wouldn't after only 2 months of dating... but perhaps if you sat down with him and expressed your concern and how you are feeling, he may see that he needs to try and step up with a bit of help from you.

 

[coyote]

lack of interest in sex can be a symptom of depression

or it could be associated with some other medical condition

perhaps a frank and honest conversation with him about your needs is in order

WITHOUT making any accusations or judgements about him so he doesn't feel that much worse for letting you down

 

[coyote]

I just wanted to ask... is 2 months really considered a long time?

for some people, 2 days is a long time

 

[Waybuloo]

He is either

on medication which restricts his libido.

Had intimacy issues which could have been caused by abuse. That explains the self esteem issue.

Just has a low libido.

If I were in your situation I would definitely have a serious talk with him. I would firstly tell him you love him very much and feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Then you feel that you want more intimacy but you feel that he's not as willing. Ask him whether it is normal for him to be like that or whether it has changed due to medication etc. Ask him whether he's still intimidated by you. It's best to say that you won't judge him no matter what at the outset so as to make it easier for him to talk. If you don't know the reason for his behaviour then you can't really progress to address it. Once you get an idea, you guys can talk about what you both want out of the relationship, on the physical side, and whether you could compromise and help him.

 

[XxJustMexX]

I'm sure the fact that you're more aggressive than him hurts his ego as well. I'm not criticizing you for that, i'm aggressive too...but it can cause a man to retreat into his shell so to speak. You can do one of two things. Either have a no holds barred conversation about this with him and get to the root of the issue, no games,no beating around the bush just pure open honesty. OR you can play the game and back off from him a bit and see what he does. sometimes the fear of losing what you love jump starts you to take action of some sort.

I recommend the first choice but to each her own I suppose.

As a side note, this issue IS big enough to break you apart. Trust me. If you don't get some satisfaction from him at some point, all the other shiny wonderful things about him will fade into the background. I'm not saying that sex is everything but it is very important to some people and it sounds like it's important to you.

I have a few reasons I haven't brought it up yet...

One, I'm not sure it's that big of a deal enough for me yet. Like you said in the end of your post, it may in the future be a big enough deal, but I don't see it being that big yet, therefore I'm kind of waiting until I know for a fact it's bothering me that much...

Two, I know right now he's going through tough times self-esteem-wise. He's recently lost a job and isn't working, so that's a big hit on his ego right now. Prior to that I can tell he's the type to be hard on himself a lot (obviously due to his low self esteem) and I don't want to cause him to feel bad about it.

Three, he's VERY quiet and non-emotional verbally. He's definitely a person that shows his emotions with actions, therefore we kind of have this relationship where I do all the talking, and he does all the showing. Because of this, we don't have very deep conversations about feelings and emotions. I don't wanna jump in there with this being our very first deep relationship talk... ya know? Trust me, I've wanted to bring it up a couple times... one being yesterday but I pretty much was over the whole sexual frustration since the prior night.

I just want him to be more comfortable with me. In any other sense we're like a married couple already. Our relationship sped up quite a bit since he'd moved in and we went from barely dating to married status in under a month. (And that includes the lack of sex! lol. So ya, we're pretty much married! lol)

As for playing the game back, ya, I do use that strategy... But to be honest it's really hard for me because I come from a very affectionate family and we're always hugging and kissing. (I can't go an hour without hugging or kissing my kids!) So ya, I do tend to be pretty affectionate with him as well and I feel as if when I stop, it's VERY obvious that I'm doing it, and I really don't want to play with his head all that much. Whenever I do that, I do try and make it a point to make it look like I'm not mad at him because I'd hate for him to think that I'm backing off and for him to think that there's a major problem or blame himself for it ya know? But ya, I do this and it does work definitely. I'd just hate for this to be my resort all the time ya know? I just wish he didn't have such low self worth and would realize he can trust me.

Oh, and another way to view this is perhaps he has a huge amount of respect for you and feels that having sex with you somehow tarnishes that? some men are like that. they can have sex all day long with someone they don't care about but when it comes to doing it with someone they really love and respect, it's difficult for them.

I've considered this as well and I definitely believe that this is part of the case. According to his best friend he's only slept with a handful of women. As gorgeous as he is at his age, I actually thought he'd have dated a lot more women. But after finding out that he wasn't like that, I jumped at the chance to nab this gentleman! To be honest with you, when we first met I didn't even think I'd have a chance with him and thought that either a.) I'd be falling in line behind a bunch of other girls, or b.) he'd already been through that line and I wouldn't be interested... lol. But shortly after meeting I was told by his best friend that he's madly falling for me so I opened up to him as well. This is one of the qualities that keeps me here. I know that I'm online complaining about the lack of sex, but on the other hand I know that it's lacking because of his respect for me... I'm just a confused woman.

I just wanted to ask... is 2 months really considered a long time?
Some people just aren't comfortable enough with a partner to *have* a sex life until more time has passed.

If he is shy or has SA, he probably needs to feel more secure with you - no matter how many advances you make, he may not really trust you 100% yet.
I know I wouldn't after only 2 months of dating... but perhaps if you sat down with him and expressed your concern and how you are feeling, he may see that he needs to try and step up with a bit of help from you.

See above answer on why I haven't brought it up yet... But to add, are you a guy? If so may I ask... how would you feel if a girl brought this up to you? I really don't want to hurt his feelings, which is why I haven't brought it up.

Well, considering we're still pretty young and in the beginning of our relationship, I would just think sex would be happening a lot more often. I guess it's not just sex, it's the affection as well. I've never dated a guy who I wasn't all "mushy" with physically for the first few months. I guess I'm just used to that honeymoon stage. So I guess it's an overall affection thing, not just the sex.

As for trust, ya I figured that may play a big part in it as I hear from other shy people. He's very good at hiding it if that's the case as he's told me before he trusts me with his life and has made other like comments. I definitely see a lot of hurt in his past though so I do believe this to be true... but he does hide it pretty well as he acts like he trusts me to the end. I'm sure he does, just probably not with his heart right now. I guess I can understand as I'm the same way. I guess it's just different with him and I opened up to him because he makes me feel a lot different than any other guy I've dated, otherwise I'd probably be cautious as well...

Like Weirdy said, some guys just like to go a bit slow but if you've already had sex I can't imagine that being the case.

Do you know if he's on any medication? If he's really shy he may be taking something for it. What you wrote almost describes me two years or so ago. I know when I took citalopram it basically nuetered me. I had a girlfriend at the time and we really liked each other, but I just had absolutely no interest besides hanging out with her when I was on it. We ended up mutually splitting up over it, which was fine as we weren't that serious anyway. But it put me off of taking any pills for life.

No meds.

lack of interest in sex can be a symptom of depression

or it could be associated with some other medical condition

perhaps a frank and honest conversation with him about your needs is in order

WITHOUT making any accusations or judgements about him so he doesn't feel that much worse for letting you down

Depression is definitely part of it (or so I think). I can see quite a few reasons for him to be depressed right now. Lost his job... sleeping on his girlfriend's couch... ya, definitely a blow to his ego and self-esteem. I let him know EVERY day how much I appreciate him, how great he is, how lucky I am, etc... And I definitely see this brightening up his day, though I don't see it as being a long-term fix for his own internal issues.

 

[XxJustMexX]

He is either

on medication which restricts his libido.

Had intimacy issues which could have been caused by abuse. That explains the self esteem issue.

Just has a low libido.

If I were in your situation I would definitely have a serious talk with him. I would firstly tell him you love him very much and feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Then you feel that you want more intimacy but you feel that he's not as willing. Ask him whether it is normal for him to be like that or whether it has changed due to medication etc. Ask him whether he's still intimidated by you. It's best to say that you won't judge him no matter what at the outset so as to make it easier for him to talk. If you don't know the reason for his behaviour then you can't really progress to address it. Once you get an idea, you guys can talk about what you both want out of the relationship, on the physical side, and whether you could compromise and help him.

The intimacy issues... Ya, heard that from another forum. It wasn't abuse per se, but more of a lack of attention, affection and love from his parents. According to him he was an unwanted child and his parents basically showered his older genius brother with attention while he basically got treated like the red-headed step-child. To this day I can see he still resents his parents for that. In the 6 months we've known each other, he hasn't spoken to either parent. Long story short, he stopped speaking to his parents 6 months ago due to an argument. And this was due to their choice, not his. He's tried calling his dad, but his mom wears the pants in the family and she won't allow him to contact his dad either... I know pretty much all his friends from childhood and they all attest that he's got pretty mean parents, or at least his mom is... I being a mother myself just can't imagine disowning my son, no matter what he does. But I guess that's probably a difference in heritage as well... (I come from a tight knit family... we'll get together just because it's Saturday...)

Well, I'm leaning on having this talk with him if things don't perk up soon... I guess the only thing I've been waiting for is to see if it changes since he HAS been making progress with the whole intimacy thing. I've been being patient and he has been getting better, that's why I've held off on having a talk about it.

 

[HH]

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you, I'd love to be with a sex mad chick ha, ha. If he is suffering from mild depression because of the job/couch situation then that will definitely effect his sex drive, I know from personal experience.

You may just have to take the lead (which you've been doing for the most part) and just be there for him through this difficult time. Unfortunately you have to be patient with us shy guys.........

 

[XxJustMexX]

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have you, I'd love to be with a sex mad chick ha, ha. If he is suffering from mild depression because of the job/couch situation then that will definitely effect his sex drive, I know from personal experience.

You may just have to take the lead (which you've been doing for the most part) and just be there for him through this difficult time. Unfortunately you have to be patient with us shy guys.........

Well thank you. haha.

I remember your name from another post I posted so I just looked back at my other posts and I realized my first post here was 1.5 months ago asking about the lack of affection. Well, at least we've progressed! lol. He no longer looks like he wants to run away from me... Well at least mostly lol.

Well, so I HAVE been taking the lead... Do you think he'll eventually start leading as well...? I mean this man will do all I ask. ALL. I have to constantly tell him to stop doing everything for me! If I wanna go somewhere, we go... If we're going out to eat, it's on me where we go... Decision has to be made, my say is the one that goes... I mean I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I want HIS say in stuff too! I always tell him that I want what HE wants sometimes... And he'll just say whatever I want is fine with him!! lol. I mean, is this normal for shy guys? He seems to live right now to only please me and well as much as it makes me feel SOOO special, I also would like to do things that he wants to do too!

I mean, does this sound common to you with shy guys? I try not to take advantage of it because I can see that lots of people take advantage of his good/shy nature, but I can literally tell him to do anything for me and he'll jump up and do it. But I really don't want it to be that way... I definitely appreciate the fact that making me happy makes him happy, but I'd like to make him happy too! He says that I do and he definitely treats me wonderful, obviously showing me that he too is happy...

I mean, what else can I do to make him more comfortable and more confident in himself??? I compliment him ALL the time, I thank him and show my appreciation for all he does... We're definitely in love with each other and obviously want each other to be happy... I know... patience. This is definitely teaching me patience....

 

[antihistamine]

Oh, and another way to view this is perhaps he has a huge amount of respect for you and feels that having sex with you somehow tarnishes that? some men are like that. they can have sex all day long with someone they don't care about but when it comes to doing it with someone they really love and respect, it's difficult for them.

Without going in to detail, I think you are right. In a weird f...ed up way, sex can be seen as wicked and only something you enjoy with harlots. Not having sex can be an expression of love. How f...ed up is that!! But as a f...ed up guy, I can understand it!!