Should I stay with her?

[Aletheia]

I think that's a little harsh. People make mistakes. They do stupid things without thinking, but that doesn't mean they're going to repeat those mistakes.

As to the OP's situation, I don't think it's the cheating that is the problem as much as the lying and lack of trust that has created. It's not good that your wife wasn't honest with you about what had happened, and only seems to admit to those things you've already discovered. I think that's going to create huge trust issues between the two of you down the line. It sounds like your reasons for wanting to stay together are genuine, but I wonder whether hers are more to do with it being the easier option.

All of this.

Her reply is always "I dont know what i want"

::

We so seldom do.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I think this is a really sticky situation. I am the type of person who can realize why some people cheat and understand why they would lie about it. I don't think those two things on their own is enough to kick someone to the curb. However, she is going to have a baby with another man. What kind of involvement is he going to have in the child's life? And if she feels love for this other man, how is that going to affect the marriage, especially when he wants to be part of the child's life?

She said she loves the other guy as well?

Would you consider an open marriage?

 

[Brexin]

I think this is a really sticky situation. I am the type of person who can realize why some people cheat and understand why they would lie about it. I don't think those two things on their own is enough to kick someone to the curb. However, she is going to have a baby with another man. What kind of involvement is he going to have in the child's life? And if she feels love for this other man, how is that going to affect the marriage, especially when he wants to be part of the child's life?

She said she loves the other guy as well?

Would you consider an open marriage?

An open marriage is definitely not an option... I get really jealous of other guys when they talk to my wife a certain way, or they become a threat to my relationship. All i know for sure is he wants to be as involved as he can be, and wants the baby to have his last name. His wife hates kids, so thats why he wants this baby so bad.

 

[montejocarlo]

the question is, do you want to? if not, then don't.

there's something i didn't understand with the story. you said that the father of the baby is also in the army, and that if this were to be found out, they'd be both kicked out. but then he wants a part in the baby's life and to give him/her his name, in which case, they would be practically announcing to the world what they did. in my opinion, the only real problem here is the legal issues concerning the baby.

i don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." if that's true, then we're all to be branded cheaters. no one is innocent.

the most common mistake couples do is counting what they give and what they receive. don't make it into a contest of who screwed up more. you pushed her away. you have to understand how much it hurts to feel unneeded. emotions know nothing of reason. you did the same when you're annoyed and shooed her. you knew it was wrong but you did it anyway.

marriage is about two people being joined together. "for better or for worse," not "for good or for better." you don't just ditch your partner because he/she made a mistake. it's a commitment and a responsibility. you signed up for it.

to everything however, there's limit. some things just don't get fixed. if you're at the end of your rope, then there's no point dragging on the suffering. but please keep in mind that divorce affects not only the couple. a broken family isn't healthy for a child. every kid dreams of fairy tale endings.

i suggest you consult a marriage counselor before deciding.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

An open marriage is definitely not an option... I get really jealous of other guys when they talk to my wife a certain way, or they become a threat to my relationship. All i know for sure is he wants to be as involved as he can be, and wants the baby to have his last name. His wife hates kids, so thats why he wants this baby so bad.

Wow, his WIFE? Eek.

I feel like the only way things would really start to improve was if this guy was not involved at all, but he is going to be around a lot and you know they have feelings for one another. I would suggest ending the marriage because you deserve a lot more than that. You deserve to be with one person who you love and loves you back just as much.

 

[Brexin]

the question is, do you want to? if not, then don't.

there's something i didn't understand with the story. you said that the father of the baby is also in the army, and that if this were to be found out, they'd be both kicked out. but then he wants a part in the baby's life and to give him/her his name, in which case, they would be practically announcing to the world what they did. in my opinion, the only real problem here is the legal issues concerning the baby.

i don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." if that's true, then we're all to be branded cheaters. no one is innocent.

the most common mistake couples do is counting what they give and what they receive. don't make it into a contest of who screwed up more. you pushed her away. you have to understand how much it hurts to feel unneeded. emotions know nothing of reason. you did the same when you're annoyed and shooed her. you knew it was wrong but you did it anyway.

marriage is about two people being joined together. "for better or for worse," not "for good or for better." you don't just ditch your partner because he/she made a mistake. it's a commitment and a responsibility. you signed up for it.

to everything however, there's limit. some things just don't get fixed. if you're at the end of your rope, then there's no point dragging on the suffering. but please keep in mind that divorce affects not only the couple. a broken family isn't healthy for a child. every kid dreams of fairy tale endings.

i suggest you consult a marriage counselor before deciding.

Wow, i really like your answer here. And yes, you are correct about them announcing to the world what happened... The thing is, it wont be a big deal IF i didnt push the issue, OR we were divorced when the baby was born. As for do i want to work things out? Yes and No... I do because she's made me happy like never before in the past, and i love her very much... But at the same time i done because of all the Lies she told me, and all the hurt she caused by getting into this situation, while still married to me.

 

[Brexin]

Wow, his WIFE? Eek.

I feel like the only way things would really start to improve was if this guy was not involved at all, but he is going to be around a lot and you know they have feelings for one another. I would suggest ending the marriage because you deserve a lot more than that. You deserve to be with one person who you love and loves you back just as much.

Yes, he is married as well

And i agree, if he was out of the picture, and i could be the only father the baby would know, then i could manage this better

 

[coyote]

there are better women out there

get a decent lawyer

work out visitation with your kids

 

[Zipper]

Perhaps your wife can give the baby to the Father and not have custody of the baby at all? Or give it up for adoption to strangers? You can hardly blame her for having sex outside of the marriage. It's pretty natural to want to do that even under the best of circumstances. It doesn't make her wicked... it makes her a normal woman. I understand that you want to be back together as an exclusive couple. What does she want? What is she willing to promise to? Air Assault!

 

[Brexin]

Perhaps your wife can give the baby to the Father and not have custody of the baby at all? Or give it up for adoption to strangers? You can hardly blame her for having sex outside of the marriage. It's pretty natural to want to do that even under the best of circumstances. It doesn't make her wicked... it makes her a normal woman. I understand that you want to be back together as an exclusive couple. What does she want? What is she willing to promise to? Air Assault!

I already know she wouldnt give the baby up. She is really against adoption and abortions, and im sure she feels the same way about giving the child up to the father, and leaving the baby.

 

[Shyangel]

I think you should move on. Too much damage has been done. You both deserve better then someone who would do those things.

 

[AGR]

You are totally right. Ive come to realize that is mostly my fault she cheated (not that it was a good decision for her), but i understand where i have fault there.

Dude its not your fault,thats like saying that because I turn my back to you then its reasonable that you stab me in the back,how long you didnt talk with her?
if she said that she didnt want to talk with you and it was over,do you think it would be right to go after other girls that fast?or have a baby that fast?

also I agree once a cheater always a cheater,dont listen to the other people,maybe there are some who are not but you can be sure that they would be the small minority.

 

[Brexin]

Thanks for all your opinions guys, i really appreciate it

 

[Agent_Violet]

You both need to be fully transparent with each other. Go to counseling and make a list of deal breakers. You basically have to start over again. Somewhere along the line you disconnected and now you have to relearn each other.

If you think you can't eventually let go of any resentments you have then it isn't even worth trying to fix this. Resentment is the poison in any marriage. It will kill love every single time.

Also, there's a really amazing site for talking about infidelity and marriages...pm me if you would like to check it out. I haven't been there since I gave up on my marriage but you might find it helpful.