I live in a motorhome in an RV park (for the last 2 months) which is more like what I thought a trailer park would be. I’m in west central Florida. I’m a 54 year old white, single, male. I’m currently on disability for depression. I’m taking 20mg Lexapro prescribed by a GP when I broke down in a sobbing fit while there for a physical problem (I was so overwhelmed at getting any help). I’ve had depression and SA since I was an early teen. These problems have negatively affected me in every aspect of my whole life. About a month ago I was unable to get my Lexapro and went so deep I thought the only relief I could get was in death. When I was able to connect the suicidal thoughts and lack of meds together I thought I’d give them a try again and see what happened. I’m not feeling as suicidal at this time but still wonder if I’ll be around next week or not. I’ve also started posting on a depression forum. It was at the depression forum that I found the term social phobia. I researched it and did learn something new. I’ve had something all of my adult life I’d never been able to tell a psychologist (when I had the resources to afford one) out of embarrassment and inability to put it into words.
Previously I could only rationalize that it was vanity, fear, or self-consciousness; things I had considered weaknesses.
I, in the late eighties, read many books on depression and about relationships when I was going through a divorce. I remember some books: The Road Less Traveled and another with the cover displaying superman’s cape in a trash can. I do believe I’ve read Dale Carnegie’s book if it is the one with compartmentalizing feelings. I gained much insight but little lasting relief.
I now believe I’ve ignored a huge problem out of ignorance.
