thank all of you for your replies! and thanks to everyone who can relate.
why i hate myself... i dont think i cant pin point it. it is somewhere in the bigger picture i would say.
im unable to accept myself, i hate my body, how limited my intellect is, i hate that i dropped out of high school 3 months before graduation and havent gotten a GED or had a job since, i hate how dependent i am and how worthless i feel, i hate that i have no feeling of self worth, i sometimes sleep on the floor or starve myself, i feel i dont deserve a soft surface to sleep on or a warm blanket and not to mention food to keep my body nourished, i hate that i've been comfort eating and ate so much over the past weeks, i hate my social problems and my trust issues, i hate how lethargic i am and that i cant do anything and cant finish anything, that even a simple thing such as writing a message is a huge deal and requires a lot of effort and that this keeps me from establishing friendships online, and that i cant make friends IRL, that the friends that i made IRL long time ago have all left me for better, happier, funnier people, i hate the i still miss all of them, i hate how clingy i am now when i do make a friend and how my thoughts spiral out of control, how i panic and try to manipulate everything out of fear to be hurt and rejected and eventually ignored, i hate that i cant concentrate and i hate that this response took me nearly 4 hours to write!
i saw a couple of therapists, none of them for a long period of time, except for one which i saw for maybe 5 months. i always refused to take medication and i still wouldnt want to take any.
overall though, im feeling so much better now, better then ever. ever since i moved to another country and far far away from my father, the tides have turned 200%. but some is still remaining.
there are days where i spend the entire day sitting in a closet in the dark where i beat and punch myself all day, sometimes cut myself, although i try to avoid that now and only go for a tiny little cut on my hand or something like that, where it is normal to have little tear and wear. i want to express all that hate i have with great brutality and fantasize about jumping from a high spot and my body getting smashed with great force, burning alive or exploding.
i know a great amount about nutrition and healthy eating, also know a lot about "dieting" (as a former anorexic). i dont work out however and cant bring myself to do it and stick with it. sometimes i exercise as a form of self harm though, to feel pain in a constructive way.
group therapy sounds like my version of hell! but i realize how much you can benefit from that and i hope you find it helpful!
i wish i could make some friends in my area, someone to hang out with. and god forbid even a female friend (me being a female myself). i just have huge trust issues with women and dont feel comfortable around them. im the type of person that needs a close friend, im not an acquaintance kind of person. but the time from acquaintance to close friend is unbearable for me and it never gets to that point. it seems extremely surreal to me to think that i could actually become friends with someone that im getting to know in person. and with people online it most of the time fails due to my issue with writing messages. but i would love to make some friends and get out of the house but also online. :/
and after this honest statement i kind of give up all hope to become friends with anyone on here
