self hate

[Unverstellt]

and self harm. i really ****ing hate myself and all i want it to feel pain. i want to slice up my pathetic useless arms. i hate those things. i want to cut my legs, my stomach, my sides, my neck, every inch of my skin. i want to bleed and to destroy myself. i want to shoot my ****ing brains out and for them to splatter all over the place. i want to explode into millions of little pathetic bloody pieces. i want to make a mess. i want blood and guts everywhere. i want to ****ing beat myself until i drop dead. i cant even begin to express the amount of hatred im feeling.

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, okay. Why do you hate yourself?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Hi Unverstellt. I read your previous introduction thread and understand that you suffer from depression-me too! Here are a few recommendations:
1. See a Psychiatrist (not a general doctor) and try to get into therapy. I've recently done this and my session was great. She was very understanding and helpful. My Psychiatrist is going to get me into weekly therapy and hopefully later, group therapy. I don't like the idea of group therapy but I do like the idea of getting better. So, I'll try it.
2. If you're not already doing this, try eating healthier and exercise. I've been doing this for the past month and it has made a major difference. I still have suicidal thoughts but I'm no where near being in the dumps than I was in earlier. Also, try to get sunlight. It will lift your mood.
3. Meet people! Try to meet a few people on this forum. Others have and it will be a great way to make friends. I met my friends in college, if you don't have that option, an online forum like this will be invaluable. Create a thread with your location.

Hope that helps! Hang in there!

 

[Amitush123]

I can relate, partly. From time to time my brain insists on floating bad and embarassing memories..not fun at all..

 

[Psychedelicious]

Hated

I'm sorry you have so much hatred towards yourself. I do too, it's toxic. You seem really angry though, maybe you're just venting though. I hope you can find a way to feel better soon.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Hi Unverstellt. I read your previous introduction thread and understand that you suffer from depression-me too! Here are a few recommendations:
1. See a Psychiatrist (not a general doctor) and try to get into therapy. I've recently done this and my session was great. She was very understanding and helpful. My Psychiatrist is going to get me into weekly therapy and hopefully later, group therapy. I don't like the idea of group therapy but I do like the idea of getting better. So, I'll try it.
2. If you're not already doing this, try eating healthier and exercise. I've been doing this for the past month and it has made a major difference. I still have suicidal thoughts but I'm no where near being in the dumps than I was in earlier. Also, try to get sunlight. It will lift your mood.
3. Meet people! Try to meet a few people on this forum. Others have and it will be a great way to make friends. I met my friends in college, if you don't have that option, an online forum like this will be invaluable. Create a thread with your location.

Hope that helps! Hang in there!

P.S I'm not exactly a proponent of medication but it may be necessary. Talk with your Psychiatrist. It can and has helped many people.

 

[Unverstellt]

thank all of you for your replies! and thanks to everyone who can relate.

why i hate myself... i dont think i cant pin point it. it is somewhere in the bigger picture i would say.
im unable to accept myself, i hate my body, how limited my intellect is, i hate that i dropped out of high school 3 months before graduation and havent gotten a GED or had a job since, i hate how dependent i am and how worthless i feel, i hate that i have no feeling of self worth, i sometimes sleep on the floor or starve myself, i feel i dont deserve a soft surface to sleep on or a warm blanket and not to mention food to keep my body nourished, i hate that i've been comfort eating and ate so much over the past weeks, i hate my social problems and my trust issues, i hate how lethargic i am and that i cant do anything and cant finish anything, that even a simple thing such as writing a message is a huge deal and requires a lot of effort and that this keeps me from establishing friendships online, and that i cant make friends IRL, that the friends that i made IRL long time ago have all left me for better, happier, funnier people, i hate the i still miss all of them, i hate how clingy i am now when i do make a friend and how my thoughts spiral out of control, how i panic and try to manipulate everything out of fear to be hurt and rejected and eventually ignored, i hate that i cant concentrate and i hate that this response took me nearly 4 hours to write!

i saw a couple of therapists, none of them for a long period of time, except for one which i saw for maybe 5 months. i always refused to take medication and i still wouldnt want to take any.

overall though, im feeling so much better now, better then ever. ever since i moved to another country and far far away from my father, the tides have turned 200%. but some is still remaining.
there are days where i spend the entire day sitting in a closet in the dark where i beat and punch myself all day, sometimes cut myself, although i try to avoid that now and only go for a tiny little cut on my hand or something like that, where it is normal to have little tear and wear. i want to express all that hate i have with great brutality and fantasize about jumping from a high spot and my body getting smashed with great force, burning alive or exploding.

i know a great amount about nutrition and healthy eating, also know a lot about "dieting" (as a former anorexic). i dont work out however and cant bring myself to do it and stick with it. sometimes i exercise as a form of self harm though, to feel pain in a constructive way.
group therapy sounds like my version of hell! but i realize how much you can benefit from that and i hope you find it helpful!

i wish i could make some friends in my area, someone to hang out with. and god forbid even a female friend (me being a female myself). i just have huge trust issues with women and dont feel comfortable around them. im the type of person that needs a close friend, im not an acquaintance kind of person. but the time from acquaintance to close friend is unbearable for me and it never gets to that point. it seems extremely surreal to me to think that i could actually become friends with someone that im getting to know in person. and with people online it most of the time fails due to my issue with writing messages. but i would love to make some friends and get out of the house but also online. :/

and after this honest statement i kind of give up all hope to become friends with anyone on here

 

[DarkPhoenix]

I sent you a friend request, i hope you accept it. Sounds like we could both do with a friend

 

[MikeyC]

overall though, im feeling so much better now, better then ever. ever since i moved to another country and far far away from my father, the tides have turned 200%.

I don't see it.

You beat yourself up, cause yourself physical pain, sit in darkness, sleep on the floor because you don't feel like you deserve a soft mattress...and the tides have turned 200%?

I honestly think you should reconsider medication. You sound like you've hit rock bottom.

 

[Amitush123]

I don't see it.

You beat yourself up, cause yourself physical pain, sit in darkness, sleep on the floor because you don't feel like you deserve a soft mattress...and the tides have turned 200%?

I honestly think you should reconsider medication. You sound like you've hit rock bottom.

I'm with him, you deserve to feel much better than that

 

[ukmale]

I don't hate myself but I am starting to .. am just angry and bitter at the world and everything around me if I could paint my town red from the brains of others I would but sadly I don't live in a country a washed full of guns ... So this is making me start to hate myself .. all people do is laugh and make jokes about me sadly I am a outsider a loner a loser I don't wanna be I am being forced to be by society .. messed up world won't let me be apart of it so I hate it twice a much as hitler hated the Jews .. I have to live my whole life being pushed away and laughed at till the day I die

 

[Unverstellt]

thank you all so much for your responses guys.

I don't see it.

You beat yourself up, cause yourself physical pain, sit in darkness, sleep on the floor because you don't feel like you deserve a soft mattress...and the tides have turned 200%?

I honestly think you should reconsider medication. You sound like you've hit rock bottom.

that sad thing is that it's really not. rock bottom is long behind me!
like you, ukmale, i was isolated which turned my self hatred, which i felt from not being accepted, to the outside and i wanted to massacre people, i practiced shooting my father's gun and made a list. my mind felt like a nuclear reactor every minute of the day and i was so angry all the time that it robbed me of all my energy and i was just completely exhausted barely half way through the day. now that was 6 years ago.

i was extremely isolated that i was absolutely thrilled to go to the dentist bc they had to lean over me and be physically close to me. in my desperation to talk to people and to feel connected, i let myself be really abused by a "friend" for a very long time, just bc it was someone to talk to, no matter what names he called me and how he used everything i had once told him in trust, against me. i had absolutely no back bone and could not stand up for myself.

and lets just say that i have a real issue with paranoia and anxiety and that at some point in my life there were some psychotic episodes and some satanism involved... that was rock bottom.

other than that, i have an obsession with perfection and feel unacceptably inadequate and cannot live up to my expectations. that is the biggest factor when it comes to wanting to beat myself up and when i think about my body splattering all over the place and getting smashed with great force, i feel it would be the only way to really make up for my inadequacy. i wouldnt want to commit a peaceful suicide, it would require great amounts of brutality. im not suicidal though, im feeling so much better than i used to and you can believe me when i say that.
i used to think about killing myself every minute of the day, i couldnt function and barely managed to make it to school, the times i made it to school, i would be fighting to cry every morning on the train and it gave me the strength to make it to places if i told myself that "its ok, this can be my last day, i can just get it over with tonight." it was like a warm, fuzzy hug, a very heavy hug.
i was so depressed at times that i had memory problems and couldnt even remember getting up the same day or even what i had done.

compared to how i used to feel, i am absolutely tickled with the way things are now. this is only the remainder of what used to be. but i realize that i should be seeing someone about the delusional thoughts and the paranoia at the least. i just dont have the money for that at the moment and i also have to say, while this might not make it all that much better, it doesnt happen very often. its an occasional thing. my old therapist didnt address the paranoia issue at all when i told her about it and it was a real, constant, every-waking-moment issue then. however if i lived alone still i know that it would all still be to the same extend.

im really not making myself look like an attractive person to talk to lol but then again, like my name suggests, im not hiding anything here...

 

[MikeyC]

Well...you're a better judge of yourself than what I am. I am still concerned about some of your behaviour, but I'm glad things are looking up, or at least looking better than they used to. :thumbup: