Ashiene
Well-known member
Obviously I know suicide is not allowed to be discussed here, but I don't think this is really called 'suicide'. You see, I am too much of a coward to commit suicide (although I have tried in the past, but didn't succeed), so I use a more long-term method to end my life prematurely, and enjoy myself in the process.
Many people, even non-suicidal people, do this. It is what is called Self-Destructive Pleasure. Things like binge-eating, smoking, drug abuse, skydiving, rock-climbing. All of these are basically the same. Each time you do these activities, there is a chance you will: in the case of binge-eating, greater likelihood of health diseases; for smoking, higher chance of cancer; for skydiving, rock-climbing etc, a chance for an accident that may kill you.
All of these activities are dangerous, but many people do them because they are pleasurable not because they are suicidal or depressed (although depressed people take more high-risk activities).
I have very few activities in my life that give me joy or just a little more motivation to get through the day. I use binge-eating and smoking and paid sex to distract myself long enough to make it through life, one day at a time. I know it will end in my premature death, but I am really enjoying these harmful but pleasurable activities (although great money spent or the high risks of STDs/STIs).
I think to myself: what have I to lose? I might suffer in the future because of the diseases I may get due to my unhealthy lifestyle, but I am already suffering a living hell now with my SAD and other diagnosed mental disorders. If I cannot even let myself enjoy these activities, what should I be living for? My anxieties would kill me faster than a cigarette or extra burger would.
Without cigarettes or binge-ing on fast food to calm my nerves and distract myself from bad thoughts, perhaps I would be long dead by now due to actual suicide. So, these self-destructive activities might actually be saving me in the short term, but ultimately kill me in the long term.
But, everyone dies anyway, and I might not be smoking or risking STDs with prostitutes or eating 5 burgers at once, but who knows a car might run me over tomorrow? We cannot predict life, but I will enjoy myself whenever & however I can because I do not know what will happen to me tomorrow.
Also, I secretly wish my self-destructive activities will kill me long before I grow old, so that I can escape this living hell without resorting to suicide and disgracing myself even further in death.
Many people, even non-suicidal people, do this. It is what is called Self-Destructive Pleasure. Things like binge-eating, smoking, drug abuse, skydiving, rock-climbing. All of these are basically the same. Each time you do these activities, there is a chance you will: in the case of binge-eating, greater likelihood of health diseases; for smoking, higher chance of cancer; for skydiving, rock-climbing etc, a chance for an accident that may kill you.
All of these activities are dangerous, but many people do them because they are pleasurable not because they are suicidal or depressed (although depressed people take more high-risk activities).
I have very few activities in my life that give me joy or just a little more motivation to get through the day. I use binge-eating and smoking and paid sex to distract myself long enough to make it through life, one day at a time. I know it will end in my premature death, but I am really enjoying these harmful but pleasurable activities (although great money spent or the high risks of STDs/STIs).
I think to myself: what have I to lose? I might suffer in the future because of the diseases I may get due to my unhealthy lifestyle, but I am already suffering a living hell now with my SAD and other diagnosed mental disorders. If I cannot even let myself enjoy these activities, what should I be living for? My anxieties would kill me faster than a cigarette or extra burger would.
Without cigarettes or binge-ing on fast food to calm my nerves and distract myself from bad thoughts, perhaps I would be long dead by now due to actual suicide. So, these self-destructive activities might actually be saving me in the short term, but ultimately kill me in the long term.
But, everyone dies anyway, and I might not be smoking or risking STDs with prostitutes or eating 5 burgers at once, but who knows a car might run me over tomorrow? We cannot predict life, but I will enjoy myself whenever & however I can because I do not know what will happen to me tomorrow.
Also, I secretly wish my self-destructive activities will kill me long before I grow old, so that I can escape this living hell without resorting to suicide and disgracing myself even further in death.