scarred

[chibiXphantom]

i've always been shy, but once i got into high school, a school of unfamiliar faces, my shyness skyrocketed. i hardly had friends in high school. i was too afraid to just simply say "hi". id sit with anyone who would let me sit by them just so i didnt feel alone. my loneliness got the best of me, sending me into a deep depression that i have yet to shake.
i started blaming myself for all that was going on in my life. all the ridicule i faced at school for being a bit different. the name calling. sitting through weeks of constant bullying from one girl: "you're so ugly" "you're so weird""youre such a freak""no wonder no one likes you""why do you dress like that" "its not halloween, take off the costume" "why dont you do us a favour and just kill yourself already"

every time id have to hear that, id blame myself. every mistake id make id take out on myself. i started cutting as a way of "punishing" myself for every stupid thing id say, every wrong thing id do. my parents didnt help with this, saying i was stupid, messed up, and asking me why i cant be like my brother or sister...during this time i lost who i was. whole entire years all blurred together. the scars made my social phobia worse. i wouldnt talk to people. in fact, i avoided them. i had to skip gym classes cause i risked my cuts being exposed. i quit hanging out with people for fear that theyd find out. there were many times when i considered ending my life. one time i almost did. it was that night it really sunk in that i had a problem. i went a year without harming myself. but i was still alone. still afriad of ridicule. i fell back into self-harm. from then on its been a constant cycle of long periods of stopping, to falling back into the habit.

it had been over a year since i last cut myself. but i slipped. recent events and bottled up emotions/stress got the best of me and i couldnt stop myself.
i dont know how to get over this...i do so well for so long then one thing sets me off. the stress and depression overwhelm me and i lose control.

 

[Srijita52]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know what to say. But is there anyone with whom you can talk about your problems instead of bottling up your emotions? Maybe sometimes it can help to let them out and get some feedback.

 

[MikeyC]

Like Srijita, I don't really know what to say, but I will say that this is yet another indication where school bullying needs to be eradicated because it's more detrimental than anyone believes. It has screwed me up, too.

I wish I could help you.

 

[Divine]

It's terrible that you have to go through all of this. You can always come here and express yourself and your feelings. I know it's hard to keep what they say to you from getting to you, but just know that they are only saying those things to you to help comfort their own insecurities. They do it to make themselves feel better. Don't blame yourself because it isn't your fault, it seems you are doing good with getting away from the cutting habit, maybe instead of cutting you could switch to something that isn't so harmful. Focus your energy on something else when things like this are getting to you.

 

[Silatuyok]

I know where you're coming from on this, I used to do some cutting, though burning and bruising were my preferred methods of killing the mental pain. It's hard to say what has gotten me away from those habits. Increased age and better stability in all areas of my life have helped me to not want to harm myself anymore. When I do get the urge, I try simply pinching the skin on my wrists. It hurts enough to "work", but not so much that it leaves any scars or marks (or guilt). I know most people don't understand self-mutilation, but I do. Don't get too down on yourself for slipping up and doing it again. You have come a long way from your darker days, and there's still more time to continue healing. I you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I have known several girls who used to cut.
They replaced their habit with one that's less physically damaging when they get stressed out.

Working out until they faint, pulling rubber bands against their wrists, joining a boxing club and beating up a punching bag.

The easiest way to kill one habit is to replace it with another (hopefully one that is not as bad)
Perhaps you could try this method?
Find something you can do to take out stress - to relieve yourself without escalating the damage done to your body.

 

[Opaline]

"why dont you do us a favour and just kill yourself already"

This. Makes. Me. SO. ANGRY.

I don't get how people can be so cold... I would hope at some point they see how very cruel and evil a thing that is to say to someone. But they may never be sorry. It just boggles my mind, its beyond comprehension to me.

But then, psychopathic traits are more common than people realize. I don't mean that there are tons of psychopaths out there but having those traits on a sliding scale... Some people just have antisocial personality traits like no empathy. It's scary.

I'm really really sorry that said things like that to you ::

 

[Divine]

The point of punishment is to incite change. So its hard to justify cutting yourself as punishment if you don't follow it up with change. I've never tried cutting myself so I don't know how helpful it is to release bottled emotions, though it sounds like it only provides short term relief. have you considered not bottling your emotions and rather exploring them? Emotions are powerful energies that guide our way to a better understanding of ourselves.

blaming yourself gives you strength. it implies that you are in control of these circumstances and not others. with this powerful mindset and total awareness, you'll be able to see the actions of others with clarity. but to blame yourself with cursory thought, gives you no more power than blaming others.

we're all mirrors in a sense that we never understand anyone but ourselves. nobody knows your soul but they want to think they do, so they project their qualities on you. those who who direct intense hate towards you, truly hate themselves. Knowing this, its hard to take someone like that personally.

parents are a dangerous entity, we learn to trust them and seek their approval at an early age. Their approval weighs heavy, and what they say has a unique ability to pass our defenses and be assumed true without a doubt. Its important to realize the power they have over our minds and disect this accordingly.

One year is a long time, its something to be very proud of. Slip ups, even Jordan misses a layup. Keep up your head wayy up.

I like how you think of things logically. Also, you are completely right about parents. We assume everything they say is the truth, in fact I used to believe everything that my parents told me until I grew up and realized they were wrong in some aspects. It's a hard concept to grasp, but they can be wrong, just like in this case. They do not always fully understand what you are going through and don't have much right to pass judgement without first trying to understand. Perhaps talking to them might help? Will be hard, but in the end it may turn out to be a good thing.

 

[chibiXphantom]

i know a lot of people dont really understand where im coming from. it freaks a lot of people out and they dont know how to react. and this might just be a pointless thread. but just simply spilling all that out helps. even if no one reads it, just getting my thoughts out makes me feel better. keeping stuff locked up inside eats away at me like a parasite.

ive promised someone that id never cut again. just being accountable to someone, knowing that someone in my life cares enough helps too. im learning to let go of the past. i ran into the girl who was one of the girls who bullied me a lot in high school, the one who had told me to kill myself. i tried to avoid her seeing me but she saw me and waved with a smile. confused me a bit but reminded me that some people can change, grow up.

 

[Jes]

I am so very sorry you went through that. People are cruel. I was a cutter once upon a time until I was locked up by my gardians for it. I did it to cope though. Physical pain is easier for me to deal with because I can see it. I can control it. But it is an addiction and the person has to want to stop. Just like cigarettes, if you don't have a serious drive to quit you will always find reasons to keep doing it.