Sanity or Approval: Which is more important to you?

[SickJoke]

I was considering typing a long post, but I decided to turn it into a simple question, because I'm genuinely interested in your answer.

Excess stress can cause heart problems, a weakened immune system, a shorter life expectancy, and of course: emotional pain and psychological disorders (INSANITY).

Social anxiety is an extreme fear of social rejection. It is the ultimate, most stressful form of approval seeking.

When you enter a social situation, which is more important to you: your sanity or the approval of others?

 

[j_brown2]

i think thaths easy

EDit: I thought you meant if I had a choice or something like that, like what is more important to me, my sanity or approval

 

[SickJoke]

i think thaths easy

In the comfort of your home it seems like an obvious question doesn't it? But when you enter a social situation, (assuming you have significant social anxiety) which is your main concern in that moment?

 

[j_brown2]

delete this, iam confused

 

[madmike]

Interesting question, my answer: now, after much time contemplating and failing (if i may use that word) socially in every way imaginable, and feeling myself becoming gradually less and less well, I feel that my sanity and general health/well being is the most important thing there is. Once i accepted that, i stopped caring so much about what others thought and have been able to do so many things that i would't have done before, without so much as a second thought. I haven't turned into a raging socialite or anything and i know that i still have SA, and a long way before i'll be completely over it, but the '****ed up' state i was in before i realized that is not one i never want to get into again ! So... approval of others would be nice, if they approve of me for being myself and not having to do anything ridiculously out of the ordinary to gain it. That hasn't happened yet, but i'm prepared for a long and arduous journey so f*** you world, I'll live for myself!

 

[Doomed2Die]

You cannot socialise without sanity, that is stress messes things up. I would and do sacrifice social approval for the sake of comfort, but it's nothing unreasonable. Say, I would attempt other ways to feel comfortable in an otherwise very uncomfortable situation but not completely shut off from it.

So I guess that's a balanced view.

 

[madmike]

'approval of others makes me feel sane in a way, dissaproval - insane. Its weird, i do know why i want that approval though '

From my own experience that's because at the moment you prioritize 'approval of other people' putting your sanity at stake. Therefore, when you think you've succeeded at gaining other people's approval, you feel good or 'sane', but when you think you've 'failed' at gaining it, you feel crap and confused maybe. In a way, you're just out there to please others. When you put sanity first however, you no longer think in terms of 'gaining people's approval' but simply follow your own principles/instincts without 'seeking' anything as such. That way, if you do gain approval, you'll feel good, but if you don't you'll just thing, meh, since you weren't really after anything except keeping a sane mind in the first place!

 

[j_brown2]

'approval of others makes me feel sane in a way, dissaproval - insane. Its weird, i do know why i want that approval though '

From my own experience that's because at the moment you prioritize 'approval of other people' putting your sanity at stake. Therefore, when you think you've succeeded at gaining other people's approval, you feel good or 'sane', but when you think you've 'failed' at gaining it, you feel crap and confused maybe. In a way, you're just out there to please others. When you put sanity first however, you no longer think in terms of 'gaining people's approval' but simply follow your own principles/instincts without 'seeking' anything as such. That way, if you do gain approval, you'll feel good, but if you don't you'll just thing, meh, since you weren't really after anything except keeping a sane mind in the first place!

yea thats what i mean, i dont prioritize it by choice though - its my fearful mind. i get the idea of just doing your own thing and not caring about what people think, iam changing to that slowly,

 

[SickJoke]

Interesting question, my answer: now, after much time contemplating and failing (if i may use that word) socially in every way imaginable, and feeling myself becoming gradually less and less well, I feel that my sanity and general health/well being is the most important thing there is. Once i accepted that, i stopped caring so much about what others thought and have been able to do so many things that i would't have done before, without so much as a second thought. I haven't turned into a raging socialite or anything and i know that i still have SA, and a long way before i'll be completely over it, but the '****ed up' state i was in before i realized that is not one i never want to get into again ! So... approval of others would be nice, if they approve of me for being myself and not having to do anything ridiculously out of the ordinary to gain it. That hasn't happened yet, but i'm prepared for a long and arduous journey so f*** you world, I'll live for myself!

Awesome, that's so close to the post I was originally planning to make. I just hope this thread will help others come to a similar realization.

 

[madmike]

'yea thats what i mean, i dont prioritize it by choice though - its my fearful mind. i get the idea of just doing your own thing and not caring about what people think, iam changing to that slowly, '

Yeah, i think the difficulty is applying it when it's important. But keep trying, don't risk losing your mind and being untrue to yourself just to 'please' others. I guess it's something most people acknowledge without even thinking about, but for some (me, you) it can be hard putting it into practise.

 

[madmike]

'Awesome, that's so close to the post I was originally planning to make. I just hope this thread will help others come to a similar realization.'

Lol, i immediately knew what you were getting at, it's been on my mind for quite a while now. I really do hope others take notice because this is so useful to be aware of. But i don't know, maybe it's one of those things you have to experience before really grasping...

 

[SickJoke]

You cannot socialise without sanity, that is stress messes things up. I would and do sacrifice social approval for the sake of comfort, but it's nothing unreasonable. Say, I would attempt other ways to feel comfortable in an otherwise very uncomfortable situation but not completely shut off from it.

So I guess that's a balanced view.

See that's the thing. The reason social situations are uncomfortable with SAD is constant approval seeking. It's like this:

(1) limiting beliefs, inferior self image => (2) fear of rejection, approval seeking => (3) anxiety, stress

You have to cut the chain somewhere. Where do most people search for a cure? In step 3! They try and treat the anxiety directly with medication.

 

[Errordotocx]

I like having approval from others that I am there and want me as the company. But I guess, how am I suppose to get the approval if i've totally lost it because the SA is driving me out of my mind? For some reason, this is a rather difficult questions...I thought it was going to be simple but as I read and thought about it, it's more complex than I thought. I also hate questions with no neutral answer. =P.

Thinking about it though, if I can learn to control my sanity and keep my head on my shoulders during social situations. Then the approval of others will naturally come. So you would end up winning in the end. I also can say I search for a cure myself. I will also say that I don't cut the chain with medication...it only masks the problem that will still be there in the end. Why not instead, destroy the entire chain altogether?

 

[SickJoke]

I like having approval from others that I am there and want me as the company. But I guess, how am I suppose to get the approval if i've totally lost it because the SA is driving me out of my mind?

Haha exactly, it's a paradox. Someone desperately seeking approval (as with SA) is unlikely to get it.

For some reason, this is a rather difficult questions...I thought it was going to be simple but as I read and thought about it, it's more complex than I thought. I also hate questions with no neutral answer. =P.

It might seem that way, as madmike said

But i don't know, maybe it's one of those things you have to experience before really grasping...

Maybe just thinking about the question can help. I'm trying communicate this clearly, but I suppose at different stages of dealing with SA it will make more or less sense.

Thinking about it though, if I can learn to control my sanity and keep my head on my shoulders during social situations.

The easiest way is to realize that you don't need anyone's approval to be you, because you don't! I mean not just you but anyone with SA.

Then the approval of others will naturally come. So you would end up winning in the end.

Agreed

I also can say I search for a cure myself. I will also say that I don't cut the chain with medication...it only masks the problem that will still be there in the end. Why not instead, destroy the entire chain altogether?

Agreed x 1000

 

[Lea]

Dou you want to say, EITHER approval, OR sanity? Like people who don´t give a **** to anything are sane and those who feel vulnerable and hurt by disapproval are insane? And you think those vulnerable ones could easily stop being vulnerable and feeling the stress and pain and embarassment just by saying themselves they don´t care? That´s quite shortsighted and naive, and shows you´ve never been in anybody else´s skin. You think it´s easy because by luck and nature you are not vulnerable. You can´t fight the emotions with logic!! They can never be conquered this way, IMO. You are a very rational person SickJoke and think "logic" is everything, but if you can´t incorporate feelings into your teachings as well, they will turn out completely wrong and of no use.

What I rather think is, the only way to stay sane is saying what we think, get the due disapproval and bear the pain and and embarassement. We don´t get sane either getting insensitive and saying we don´t care or give a **** about others, nor by getting drunk or taking meds which numb our vulnerability and take away pain. Then we wouldn´t be sane, on the contrary we would be less human, therefore insane.

 

[Doomed2Die]

What Lea said.

 

[Errordotocx]

I dunno. I find not giving a **** at all to be helping me quite a bit. I still care, but I give significantly less of of a **** then I used it.

I mean look, Jon Lajoie has got it right...LOOOOOOOL Not Giving a ****!

 

[SickJoke]

Thanks for the reply Lea.

Dou you want to say, EITHER approval, OR sanity? Like people who don´t give a **** to anything are sane and those who feel vulnerable and hurt by disapproval are insane?

It's not black and white, one or the other, but more of a spectrum. Which is MORE important? Desperately seeking approval is incredibly stressful and leads to insane thinking.

And you think those vulnerable ones could easily stop being vulnerable and feeling the stress and pain and embarassment just by saying themselves they don´t care? That´s quite shortsighted and naive, and shows you´ve never been in anybody else´s skin.

Not just saying it, but rather doing it repeatedly until it becomes a natural.

You think it´s easy because by luck and nature you are not vulnerable.

It's not easy nor is it complex. It's both simple and yet difficult. The solution is right there, out in the open, but it takes persistence to achieve it.

You can´t fight the emotions with logic!! They can never be conquered this way, IMO.

But you can choose what you focus on and how you perceive it, and that's being in control of your emotions.

 

[Lea]

But you can choose what you focus on and how you perceive it, and that's being in control of your emotions.

Thanks for your reply SickJoke. Honestly I can´t think there is way I could find to make myself less vulnerable or not at all. It will still be there. I can act like the bad feeling wasn´t there and don´t let it get in the way of what I do but it still will be there. Anyway I think it is quite normal or I at least accept it the way it is. There is no life without pain.

 

[Doomed2Die]

Communication without any feeling of requiring approval from others is certaintly an unburdensome feeling, but the SA unbalanced side of it blends with the real natural side of it. I do think it can be a little too easy to inaccurately counterbalance the problem and get a mite ignorant in socialising.

Personally, I try to save my sanity, to dismiss/eliminate the problem asap if not then to forceably ignore it for another time. Should I or should I not be worried to be worried that others can see my shoes are untied though? Small things like this are just a worry that everyone lives with however brief I think.

I guess it's a matter of too much confidence leads to ignorance and too little revolves around uncertainanty. Less uncertaintanty in obvious and reasonable situations would be nice, but that's the difficult part for those with SA.