Romance Scams

[SierraSage]

Has anyone else ever been the victim of a romance scam?

Several years ago I was victimized by one, and I think it was directly related to my social anxiety/phobia problems. I started chatting in a chat room that was for a health issue I have (depression). I was not looking to date anyone at all. I had just had a guy I had a crush on turn on me cruelly, and the last thing I wanted was anybody flirting with me, wanting to date me, etc...so I specifically chose a site that was not a dating site. On the site, I quickly made friends with what seemed like a very nice man. He soon told me he'd fallen in love with me. I was 34 years old at the time, and no man had ever even been attracted to me as far as I could tell..so I got all excited and agreed to date this guy online for a bit, then meet.

I did the research I was "supposed" to do..called him at his desk at work, looked up the articles he told me he'd been mentioned in, etc. so I knew this wasn't one of those Nigerian scams. What I didn't realize, this being before the show "Catfish" came on television...was that there are many kinds of romance scams..not just Nigerian scams.

This was indeed based in the USA, and one of the people involved did use his real name and workplace, and some details from his real life...but once I realized it was a scam I started looking back and realized that I was not always talking to the same person, the majority of what I was told was made up, and the people involved just wanted my money.

I know this kind of thing happens to all types of people. But I can't help thinking...if I had a normal social life..I would have been stronger and not so vulnerable to the lines these people used for bait...if I had friends I would have had someone to run this by who would be calmer and not all excited to be flirted with, etc.

Anyone else?

 

[Yarrow]

The closest thing I had was an online friend toying with me for fun when I was 14. I'm very sorry you had to be on the receiving end of these people's tricks.

I think it's hard to be 100% safe with people you meet online. There are safety measures that drastically reduce the chances of being scammed, but when it comes to money there are people who will go to any lengths necessary to obtain it. People with normal social lives can fall victim to scams, too, but those who are lonely are the most likely to fall for ones that target their emotions. Scams that involve romance are targeting their weaknesses and struggles.

 

[jaim38]

I know this kind of thing happens to all types of people. But I can't help thinking...if I had a normal social life..I would have been stronger and not so vulnerable to the lines these people used for bait...if I had friends I would have had someone to run this by who would be calmer and not all excited to be flirted with, etc.

I agree, but it takes a lot more than having a normal social life to avoid falling into scams. A healthy amount suspicion and vigilantism, common sense, and street smarts are helpful. I don't have good social skills or a fruitful social life, but I'm vigilant and keep myself updated on security news. I'm careful not to click on links from emails and whenever I find myself in doubt, I google for answers.

 

[SierraSage]

Sadly Jaim..Im that way too. This was 100% somebody...a little group of people...preying on my emotions and social anxieties.

 

[MikeyC]

SierraSage, I'm really sorry this happened. There are a lot of scammers out there preying on insecure people, and it's sometimes not easy to read the signs. Did you end up giving this guy any money?

I will assume you're now very wary of men?

Makes me wonder if there's anyone here like this....

 

[SierraSage]

No, thankfully I didn't give him any money. Part of the scam involved him planning a big, romantic getaway for us and then turning around and acting like he was broke. Of course the mark (me at that time) would have then felt sorry and sent a large chunk of money for his travel, etc. I started an account for our trip, and was just about to send him the money he'd been dropping hints for when I looked at his company's web site and found a marriage announcement. At first I thought he'd just cheated on me and married the other woman..or was cheating with me without my consent and knowledge. Of course I wasn't going to send some guy some money to cheat with me. I found out it was a scam when I started talking to other women in the chat room where we met. My "boyfriend" lead different lives, was different ages, and had different backgrounds and personalities depending on which mark he was talking to...and there were at least three that I found in that chat room alone. The only common threads were the pieces of the main guy's real life that they took, the canned, repeated lines they used. It was pretty much a copycat of the Nigerian scam.

I healed from it fairly well. It's just that I still have moments when I think about it..and blame myself. I think that if I had just kept my usual level of practical thinking...if I just hadn't gotten so...excited and grateful when a man told me I was pretty...or over the thought of finally having a boyfriend...it wouldn't have happened.

It didn't leave me any more wary of men than of anyone else..or more than usual. I'm pretty terrified of people as it is. But it did leave me with a strict "no online dating" rule. If I only know someone online, we are platonic friends only. I can't say I wouldnt date someone I met online after we'd met offline and in person and I got to know them really well..but that isn't likely to happen...and I absolutely will not have any "online boyfriends."

I have had some other things happen that have me scared of ever wanting to date..but this didn't do it. I found a support group for it, and they helped me cope.

 

[MikeyC]

You didn't give him any money, but you did start an account for this fake trip he was pretending to plan. It shows that what he was doing was working to some degree. Thankfully you came to your senses and that has now ended.

You can never be too careful.

 

[SierraSage]

Yes, as much as I hated to admit it...you are right about that. It was only by coincidence that I didn't. If I hadn't checked that workplace website right before I was getting ready to send a check...if I'd put the check in the mail first and then sat down to read his workplace website instead of reading the site and then planning to send the check...he and whoever else that was would have gotten my money.

 

[MikeyC]

It's a learning experience, and now you know to be a little more careful about people online. There are people out there preying on girls with big hearts. So while you didn't send him money out of coincidence this time, next time will be out of vigilance and past knowledge. You won't be so gullible again. :thumbup:

 

[SierraSage]

Yes..I had so many red flags and so many hunches that told me something was wrong here. I thought he was a completely real person and just a cheater, but I had twinges. I should have trusted myself, but every time I'd have a doubt I'd mentally berate myself and tell myself I was being mean and overly suspicious. Now I know not to doubt my own hunches and bad feelings like that. And that comes back to self worth and self confidence. If that had been someone else pointing out those red flags I would have believed them...but thought that if if was me it must be ridiculous. I was completely isolated at the time. I had just realized that someone I thought was a friend had just wanted to use me to get her hands on my business, and the guy she was trying to set me up with was scary...so all I had in my life were the people in this chatroom where this happened.

If I had had a friend at the time, and the person had said "Hey...this guy keeps telling you he's raising a young daughter alone, but he has all the time in the world to be online in a chatroom support group" or "This guy tells you he looks like a television star (he claimed Anthony Edwards from ER) and that he's had more relationships than he can count or remember one minute...and the next minute he's telling you only a few women have ever even been attracted to him...the past can't be different"....I would have acted on that immediately. But when I noticed these things, I told myself I was just being cynical and suspicious and needed to knock it off and learn to trust people.

 

[MikeyC]

Sometimes our gut feeling can be right, and it's wise to act upon it, whether it be research (like you did), or bringing up your concerns. You ultimately did the right thing.

 

[SierraSage]

Yes, I did in the end. I reported the scam to the web site, reported him to the authorities with all the info I had because one of the victims was only 16, and cut off all contact with him...blocking him on all sites I was on, etc. The best thing was that I learned that all of my twinges were common red flags..so even if I am tempted to brush off my gut feelings...I can consult my mental list of warning signs and trust those. They were all the things I got suspicious over.

1. The person falls in love with you within a few weeks of meeting. (He told me he was in love with me after we'd only been chatting two weeks).

2. Their life doesn't match up to the one they describe (The raising a child alone yet having all the free time in the world)

3. The person tells conflicting stories (the past relationships being different)

4. They use repeated or "canned" lines...indicating they are talking to several people while trying to pretend they are only talking to one. (He had two or three lines he'd repeat at weird times)

5. The person is too "perfect" for you. (He thought everything I said and did was great.)

The one lingering problem all this did leave was that once I healed from it...it left me too suspicious. It didn't matter where I met somebody..online...offline...through a job..through a friend...I would automatically get suspicious that they were going to scam me somehow. I'm still kind of like that a bit.